I know Reality TV Celebrities!


Is that an exaggeration? Sure, but it got your attention, didn’t it?

My friends Becky & Joe Robbins (aka “Cute & Cuter”) recently had their backyard redone for an episode of HGTV’s Landscape Smart. Actually, I think it was a year ago that it was done, but it’s just getting around to airing.

Becky is adorable and her husband Joe is uber-cute and together they are cute as can be. Did I mention they were cute? Well, they are, damnit!

You can see for yourself on HGTV Monday, August 1st at 8:30 pm. Becky & Joe’s backyard is turned into a “rustic retreat.” I’ve seen the pictures, it’s quite nice. If you want a sneak peek click here…

Oh, wait, maybe it’s here… no, that’s not it…

Ah! This is it, click HERE! Yep, that did the trick.

Why I LOVE The Internet

I don't know who he is or where he is from--I stumbled across him as I was trolling... er, perusing the internet)--I only know that I love him (almost as much as Chris Evans...)

Not only does he have a beautiful face... look at that body! Holy moly!

Talk about your Everlasting Gob-Stoppers! I could lick that boy from sunrise to sunset...

Why I Love Reality Television (Big Brother 6)

"Leadership? He's so stupid he can't even pronunciate it properly."
--Michael, arrogant idiot

Later on the show, they almost came to blows... ALL of them! It was like a big gang fight, except everyone in the gang was a drama queen.

More Notable Quotables

Since my last Notable Quotables was met with complete and utter apathy, I thought I would do it again. Here are a few more... ah, good times... good times...

For some, I guess you had to be there—but they made me laugh (so kiss my ass).

“It looked like Cher peed all over the floor.”
—Mark M., describing the beautiful white tile flooring at The Left Bank Menlo Park

“She is more liberal than ‘liberalism’”
—My mother, describing Senator Barbara Boxer’s political views (if you couldn't guess, mom's a big ole Republican't).

“I was sitting on a barstool, when I realized it was 1:00am and that I needed to find my clothes and leave the bar."
—Shawn A., phoning his boyfriend back in the US about his night out in Amsterdam.

“The reason I got a dog is because chickens don’t love you.”
—Allison, answering my question, “Why do you have so many dogs?”

“I thought he was calling him ‘Ernest.’”
—Scotty Mo on Tom Hanks final words, “Earn this” from Saving Private Ryan. (Frankly, I hadn’t a clue what he was saying…)

“So, why didn’t he [Mini-me] speak? Was his voice too small?”
—Kimba M., inquiring why the character Mini-me did not speak in Austin Powers 2.

"I think this meat is bad. It doesn't mean I'm going to stop eating it; I just think it's gone bad."
—Lesli C. at Taco Bell

“Where were we when they were handing out all these pacts with the devil? In line at Taco Bell?”
—Jill P., on yet another friend’s success (hopefully, the meat wasn’t bad…)

“He’s big as an earthquake, with the voice of a girl.”
—Overheard it in an elevator in San Francisco

“It was a ‘jeans’ fur... a fun fur... for casual wear.”
—My mom, desperately trying to convince me she wasn’t too overdressed by wearing a fur coat to go to the movies.

Notable Quotables

So, I was going through the past issues of the printed version of Slap & Tickle and found these gems. These were some of my favorites. They still make me laugh. I’m thinking if I ever do the “café press” thing and make T-shirts, these are going to be on them… especially the first one!


“Those Jews are about to ride up my ass!”
—Jill P. noting the ‘Jews for Jesus’ van moving up quickly behind her.

“I was definitely the fattest person in France.”
—Scotty M., describing the very thin French

“4:30am is when you are supposed to be getting home from partying, not getting up in the morning.”
—Debbie W. (my former boss) lamenting on how her parents get up too early in the morning.

“Now if they could just make it chocolate flavored we’d all be set.”
—Cav commenting on an article “Hormones in Semen Shown to Make Women Feel Good

“At this point, if my life were to be depicted in a movie, I would have been played by Paul Giamatti.”
—Maia Y., former PhD student and now faculty at another university, describing her “miserable life.”

“She’s a Chinese Asian…”
—Scotty M., describing Margaret Cho.

“You know what my favorite part of erosion is?”
—Che (yes, his name is Che) discussing… well, discussing his favorite part of erosion. My response: “I don’t have a favorite part of erosion, but please tell me what yours is.” To my immediate regret, he told.

“I just changed my underwear… and now I’m exhausted.”
—Pam, celebrating the fun of camping and changing clothes in a tiny tent.

If I had a cool logo to put on the shirt, I'd be printing T-shirts right and left...

Mmmmm… Koolaid!

Apparently, I’m in a mood to post today…

Moviegeek has a link (The Best TomKat Piece Yet) to Slate and a piece by Rebecca Traister on the increasingly scripted Katie Holmes. It’s all about the cover story in W and it’s so deliciously creepy about the Tom-Katie-Scientology-thing, and how she’s become a pseudo Stepford Wife.

The whole situation is very odd, but the best line ever is in this article: “It's profoundly sad that Holmes seems not just to have drunk the Kool-Aid, but to be wearing the pitcher it was stirred in over her head.”

There is an ad that you have to go through to read it, but it’s so worth it.

QUOTE OF THE MONTH:

A favorite of mine in the printed version of Slap & Tickle was the Quote of the Month. Usually, it was some stupid thing I overheard or a soon-to-be-former friend would have the unfortunate timing to say in front of me. I found the quote below in what was the last--and unpublished--version of S&T. Enjoy it... and weep for the future...

“I got fired because I was late all the time. Dude, you know I’ve never been good with punctuation.”

--Overheard from a kid discussing his many employment terminations to his friends.

WRITE DAMNIT!
I got this spam the other day from a group called Pen-2-Paper. The idea of this site is to… well, let’s let them sell you on their “service”:

“Our international team will provide clear, understandable and precise communication, using only handwriting skills. The team will provide a discreet and confidential handwriting service with the utmost professionalism and care. Our aim is to bring back the beauty and unused power of handwriting asone of the best and most powerful ways of communicating a person's desires, expectations, feelings, and needs.”

Yes, you lazy sacks of crap, these guys will actually handwrite a letter for you. However, you have to write the letter—then email it to them. WTF? You pay them to handwrite a letter? Wasn’t it just a few years ago that you could hire someone to type a letter from something you hand wrote? Have we forgotten the great art of writing by hand? Yes, we are so advanced, we no longer can write by hand…

What does that say about us as a society when we can’t sit down and write a letter? It’s the damn video games—that’s what it is. I have no evidence to support this, in fact, all reason points away from it, but if FOX can get away with it, then who am I to go against the machine?

After much complaining (who me?) I have given this service some serious consideration. There are so many possibilities of notes I could write, all of them seem to be only to freak out Pen-2-Paper’s “scribes.” My only fear is that they would report me to the authorities—and I’m on too many government lists as it is.

Here are my favorite ideas:
Confession to the Lindbergh baby kidnapping
“I borrowed your toothbrush… to clean the mildew out of my shower”
‘To Do’ List, including items like “buy heroin” and “kill a kitten”
“Hey, I’ve got the clap! (and you do too)”
“I’m stalking you…”
“I’ve embezzled your life savings—I’d tell you in person, but I’m in the Cayman Islands”
“I know I falsely accused you of rape, but it would be too embarrassing for me to tell the authorities the truth, and prison seems to agree with you…”
“Fuck you, Dubya”

(The last one might get me a visit from the Secret Service, but—as Paris Hilton would say, “they’re hot”.)

So, how much does this wonderful service cost? Ten hard-earned bucks. AND that includes postage! Wow! They write a letter for you and throw in a whole .37 cents! Such generosity is not heard of in these days of typewritten work.

Now if only I could get them to write my daily blog and not bother me with details like subject matter and actual sentence structure, I’d be set…

London Calling

I got an email from someone (no anonymous postings, but, apparently, an idiot can send me an email) asking me how could I be so callous and ignore the tragic circumstances in London last week.

Let me make this clear people: I write meaningless ramblings that make little sense, with poor grammar and even pooerer(er) spelling. For me to say something in this time of sorrow would only be embarrassing.

That said, my heart goes out to Londoners. We stand with you, we mourn with you and we’ll fight with you.

Now can I talk about meaningless stuff again?

Fantastic Four? Try Fantastic One!

I saw Fantastic Four this weekend... not so fantastic. I enjoyed the movie, but not because of the thinly veiled plot, the pedestrian writing, or the "acting." No, I enjoyed it strictly for one piece of eye candy: Chris Evans. My gawd... what an amazing hottie.


I loved him in Not Another Teen movie... why? Because he wore nothing but whipped cream in a scene.


He was brilliant in Cellular... why? Because he spent the first 5 minutes of the film (actually, 3 minutes and 26 seconds) without a shirt.



He's been in 9 other films, but I haven't seen them (or heard of them), probably because he kept his shirt on the whole time.

And now a brief word to lovely Mr. Evans:
Chris, Chris, Chris... you need to keep that shirt OFF. Shirt OFF = good. Shirt on = wha...?

Thus endeth the lessson.

Insanity Television

While it is often reported as of late that the Reality TV craze is dying off, I still believe that there is still some life left in this craze. I should also note that I firmly believe that nothing on TV is ever real, and these reality shows have gone so far off the charts, that they are simply insane. I’m talking bat-shit insane, people. Anna Nicole Smith insane. That’s really, really crazy.

Here are some of the current reality shows that I’ve stumbled across and my assessment of their watchability:

Stripsearch
Premise: Looking for seven hot guys to be in a strip show in Vegas.
Reasons to watch: There’s a reason I started with Stripsearch, it’s the hot bods! Man these guys have hot bods… Even the “fat guy” is pretty damn cute.
Real Reason to watch: To see these guys act like a bunch of teenage girls, gossiping about each other, stabbing each other in the back, and—of course—crying like little girls when they get called names (like “fat”) or are evicted.
Watchability: Only in small doses. Bravo has highlights during every other show, so you can watch one episode, miss four and as long as you see the promos, you’re caught up.

The Ultimate Fighter
Premise: A group of guys get a shot to become the next UFC champion
Reasons to watch: Great fighting and drama between the fighters.
Real reason to watch: The guys are amazingly hot and in shape—unlike Stripsearch, they are athletes, not gym-bods. But the real reason to watch is the drama. Oh, the drama.
Watchability: Absolutely! The fights are so intense. Just meat-grinding bloodfests. However, they are all slightly messed up, so if someone calls them a name, they get emotional. Look for reruns and another season on SpikeTV.

Big Brother 6
Premise: Same as the last five: stick a bunch of people in a house for three months with no outside contact and watch them feed on each other.
Reasons to watch: To see how people really react to one another
Real reason to watch: To see if they sleep together.
Watchability: It started last night, but already I’m somewhat hooked—well, I was yelling at my television, does that count? Sadly, this season does not have enough cute guys, but the bitch-content among the girls is quite high…

Being Bobby Brown
Premise: Watch Bobby Brown’s daily life
Reasons to watch: To see Whitney
Real reason to watch: To watch Bobby and Whitney self-destruct. Good Lord, these people are NUTS! Just freakin’ bonkers. These two are a train wreck on its way to happen.
Watchability: Mostly unwatchable. Yet, if you happen upon it, you can’t look away.

Chaotic
Premise: Britany Spears and Kevin Whatshisname show us badly shot videos of their life together.
Reasons to watch: None that I can think of…
Real reason to watch: Seriously, there’s no reason to watch this crap.
Watchability: Completely unwatchable. It’s in reruns on Spike or F/X or some such channel… just awful. Apparently, they are too stupid to figure out that one doesn’t need to have the camera set to zoom at all times… oh, and there is such a thing as “auto focus.” I’d suggest they read the owner’s manual, but that would require these two idiots learn to read.

Blow Out
Premise: Watch snooty and straight (?!) hair dresser Jonathan Bitchandwhinealot run around LA acting like hair styling is important.
Reasons to watch: Jonathan trying to prove he’s not gay (he so clearly is)
Real reason to watch: The bitching amongst the staff is what makes this show worth watching. They are a bunch of shit disturbers and that’s just plain fun to watch.
Watchability: Jonathan is an asshole of the highest order. Funniest thing was when he went to see his “girlfriend.” He kept calling her “my girl” and he brought her flowers. That was the first and last time we’ve seen her on the show. Don’t most people want to spend time around their S.O.? If you can TiVo it, then do that—and only watch the staff, avoiding Jonathan and his massive ego as much as possible.

The Biggest Loser
Premise: Watch fat people get into shape.
Reasons to watch: You can laugh at fat people as they sweat and avoid donuts.
Real reason to watch: See how fat people can be just as mean and cruel as the beautiful people on shows like Big Brother and Real World.
Watchability: If there’s nothing else on, why not? Of course, if I want to see a fat person cry I just have to look in the mirror. Maybe I’ll shoot for getting on the show next year…

Nanny 911/Supernanny
Premise: A family with monster children brings in a British Nanny who solves all their problems in an hour.
Reasons to watch: To learn valuable skills in how to handle unruly little monsters.
Real reason to watch: To watch indulgent parenting at its worst. You’ll feel much better about yourself if you are a parent, and/or about your parent’s parenting skills.
Watchability: Oh, yes. What amazes me about these families is that the children are still alive and unbeaten. My answer to most of these kids is to spank them hard. They’d fall into line real quick. Seriously, I worry about the next generation, these parents suck so bad…

Surreal Life
Premise: D-List celebrities are thrown in a house together in a desperate attempt to revitalize their careers.
Reasons to watch: To watch these has-beens take one last grab at celebrity.
Real reasons to watch: To watch these has-beens drive around naked on a scooter, crash into the corner and piss in the hallway.
Watchability: YESS!!! You see the track, both trains and full on view of the trains colliding. Just brilliant.

Real World
Premise: You MUST know this by now: what happens to seven strangers put in a house together, when they stop being nice and start being themselves (i.e. assholes).
Reasons to watch: the “drama” of seven beautiful people living rent free in a dream house for twentysomethings.
Real reasons to watch: To watch them get naked and throw out every last scruple they arrive with.
Watchability: Surprisingly, it’s still quite watchable. I have a previous post on this show (below).
SurvivorPremise: If you don’t know, you’re living under a rock. Let’s just say that the last Survivor (with the winner hottie-fireman Tom) picked up the wreckage from the previous season. The problem with this show is that it can go horrible wrong (read: boring) very fast. Last season didn’t suffer this problem, but the season before was unwatchable. It’s hit and miss with this show, so be careful out there, folks.

Survivor
Premise: If you don’t know, you’re living under a rock. Let’s just say that the last Survivor (with the winner hottie-fireman Tom) picked up the wreckage from the previous season. The problem with this show is that it can go horrible wrong (read: boring) very fast. Last season didn’t suffer this problem, but the season before was unwatchable. It’s hit and miss with this show, so be careful out there, folks.

Amazing Race
Premise: A race around the world
Reasons to watch: Usually cute “nice” couples vs. “nasty” couples.
Real reason to watch: Comeuppance—with the brilliant editing, you see the nasty, nasty couples (a la Ugly American) pull nasty tricks on other couples, only to have it bite them in the ass. Watchability: TiVo this sucker. It’s damn fun to watch. Plus, the race always seems to come down to the last second—again, through brilliant editing. The season finale had my sister and I screaming at the TV (not too unusual, but we got really loud).

I’m sure there are more out there—feel free to let me know and I’ll add them to my TiVo ‘to do list.’

Great Article

This is article is great--read it all... the payoff at the very end (under "Symptoms") makes it all worthwhile.

Many thanks to Moviegeek for finding this and suggesting it on his brilliant blog.

Site of the Day

I've not done one of these before and probably won't again, but this just cracks me up:

http://www.tomcruiseisnuts.com/home.php

I guess it goes with the picture:

I stole... er, borrowed this information from Pink is the New Blog.

I’m In Love… With A GIRL!



Yes, I’m in love with a girl and I don’t care who knows it! I found the woman for me and her name is Giada!

On Tuesday, I went to a book signing and demonstration by Giada de Laurentiis, star of Food Network’s “Everyday Italian” and author of several cookbooks. She has perfect teeth in a smile that lights up a room, a killer bod, big boobs… and she can COOK!

There was only one woman that I ever thought I could go straight for: Diane Lane. (…sigh…) I will now add the lovely Giada to that infinitesimal list. [Side note: Jennifer “Flashdance” Beals was on it from 1983 to approximately 1985, but I think I was more interested in her costar Michael Nouri—which, upon looking back, was a poor decision on both.]

Giada is exactly as she appears on her show: adorable. She was enthusiastic about her recipes and encouraged the crowd to shout out questions as she demonstrated making a white bean dip with pita crisps and a dessert of grilled pineapples with a Nutella sauce. People were shouting out all sorts of stupid questions, and she answered them as if they were well thought out… such patience.

Before her scheduled talk and books signing, Giada was walking around Santana Row with her husband and people were walking up to her, asking her to pose for photographs and sign their books—and she did it.

Graciously.

People wandering in were so excited to already have their book signed. They kept going on and on about how beautiful she is (and every description ended with “big boobs.”):
Lady next to us: “She’s adorable! So sweet… big boobs.”
Lady behind us: “I just walked up and asked, and she signed my book! Lovely hands, great teeth, and big boobs.”
Lady two rows up: “I asked for a picture and her husband took it! My God, I wish I could have her figure… at least her big boobs.”

When she arrived, the crowd of 800 stood up and cheered wildly. It was like a rock star had arrived. The poor people at the restaurant next door looked at us like we were crazy. We were—but we were crazy for Giada, so fuck off!

Apparently, she is quite different than the Rachel Ray experience they had earlier. I’m sworn to secrecy… Okay, twist my arm, I’ll tell: Apparently, Rachel was a bit of a prima donna and when she was moaning about having to sign 200 books, the manager of a certain store smiled at her and said, “Oh, I’m sure you can do it… Julia Child was here and signed over a 1000 books in the same amount of time… and she was 85!”

We waited over 2 hours for her to sign our books—the line was about 400 or so, but she was taking pictures with everyone and chatting… who does that? Who can keep a smile on their face after 2 hours of signing books?

When I got up to get my book signed, an employee asked if I needed a picture with her, when I said, “no” you’d have thought I’d just farted in the store (I had, but not right there). He couldn’t believe it. I’m not a star-fucker. I don’t get ga-ga over celebrities; I think they are just like everyone else and should not be treated as gods…

If you want you book signed to your name by Giada, they put a post-it note in your book so she knows the correct spelling. As I walked up to her, I handed her the book and she said, “Hi, Chris!” as if she’s my bud; my pal. I looked into her eyes, ready to reply... my response: “Uh… er… hi?”

I could not think of a single coherent thing to say. I was dumbstruck by her beauty and felt I had no place being in the room…. “I’m not worthy! I’m not worthy!” flooded my mind. I couldn’t look in her face—I was like a deer caught in the headlights—so I looked down… into her “headlights!” Then I looked over… into her husband’s adorable—but glaring—eyes. I began to study the floor intensely.

As she slid the signed book over to me, she smiled her big perfect-teeth smile and said, “Enjoy!” I looked up, stood there for a second, mumbled “thanks” and scampered away, clutching my treasure.

Four steps later, my mind began to clear and I began to think of responses I could have said!

Cute things.

Clever things.

Things that would have made her remember me in a fun way… not as some sweaty, creepy guy stammering responses, and clutching her book as he scampered away. Who scampers, by the way? Who?!

Me... Damnit!

Now I’m obsessing over her… Why won’t she love me? Is it her very attractive and successful husband? Is it the fact that I’m gay? Maybe it’s because I’m not Italian? Maybe she’s so incredibly out of my league that if I were straight and Italian, she’d still want nothing to do with me? I’ve been “straight” for all of four minutes and I’m already hating it… I guess that’s what love does to you. I'll put up with it, I guess. But only for you, Giada. Only for you...

Meet Groovy Frank

This is Groovy Frank...

(My uncle in 1930-something or other)

I got a note from Blogger saying we can add photos easily to the site... oh, boy am I going to have fun with this...

Fun With Email

I received the following email yesterday:

Hello,

I am Ms. Rose Morgan, Manager of Mount Royal Inn Hotel, Ottawa, Ontario Canada.

We are on the second phase of recruiting workers. We are currently looking for 5 to 10 energistic [sic] young individuals to join our working team under ther [sic] following positions:

1 cooker with not less than 2 years cooking experience
2 scretary [sic]and assistant
3 attendant
4 car washer
5 cleaner
6 security men
7 Men/woman who can host people on stage
8 Computer operator
9 Warehouse supervisor
10 Accounts clerk

Our salary is very attractive as we pay what is obtainable in every 5 star hotels in Canada and other developed countries. If you are interested to work for us, send your application to the hotel through this email address:hotel_canada_2004@fastermail.com.

We shall help you to process your document and pay for your flight ticket with your one-month visa as a tourist to enter here in Canada and work with us.

N/B: all expenses incurred [sic] to bring you to Canada must be dully deducted from your monthly salary while working for us here.

Bye from Ms. Rose Morgan.

I’m not sure what they are trying for, but do they actually expect someone to reply? The misspellings aside, I’m particularly interested in how they are looking for “5 to 10” people to fill 10 positions. Are they hoping people will double up? Is that why they are looking for “energistic” people?

The vagueness of the positions also boggles the mind: “Men/woman who can host people on stage?” WTF? They only need one cleaner, but they need a group of security men? This is Canada, I thought it was supposed to be safe—guess not.

I decided I needed to reply to her message. I mean, one so clearly odd needs to have a reply. Naturally, I couldn’t just answer them, I decided I should be a “typical ignorant American.”

Enjoy!

Dear Ms. Morgan,

Thank you for your letter! Wow! I could really use a job or two and your letter really fits my bill. I’ve always wanted to travel to Europe—and Canada is at the top of my list! I should also note that my friends also refer to me as extremely “energistic,” so I know I would be right for many of the jobs you describe.

However, before I send you my resume, I have a few questions:

First, you say you have “5 to 10 positions.” I’m not sure what that means, because you are offering 10 positions. Should we be expected to ‘double up’ on jobs? I think I could do that if the pay were comproble.

I do have some questions on several positions stated. If you could please clarify on a few questions I’ve noted below, I would be greatly appriciating.

1. cooker: would that be a cook, or something to cook with? I have several years experience cooking and I have a crock pot that is none worse for the wear—should I bring that along?
2. Scretary: I always confuse the European way of spelling (how does one put a “U” in “color,” I’ve always wondered). I should note that I have several years experience as a spell checker—actually, I have it on my computer, but it’s pretty much the same thing, no?
3. Attendant: Is that a car attendant, or are they just attending things in general? I’ve ben a good attendant in all sorts of jobs. Many times my bosses have stated to “just sit there and do nothing” and it’s worked great!
4. Car Washer: That I got. I didn’t know you guys had cars up there in Canada.
5. Cleaner: What would I be cleaning? I guess not cars, because you covered that already. Would it be rooms? In America, we call them “maids.” Maybe you didn’t want to be sexyist and label it as a “women’s job.”
6. Security men: Hey… that’s being sexyist! I’m real strong (“Cuz, I eats my spinach!” as Popeye would say—hey, do you have Popeye in Canada?)
7. Men/woman who can host people on stage: I got NO idea what that job is… but it sounds like fun! I would love to be on a stage! Why only one woman?
8. Computer operator: I’ve got a computer! AND I can operate it, too!
9. Warehouse supervisor: I used to work in a warehouse years ago, but after the fall, I don’t remember too much about it. But I’m sure it’s as easy as falling off a log—which, ironically, is what I fell from.
10. Accounts clerk: Sadly I don’t know much about that, but I am a quickly learning person, so I might be able to do that.

Please get back to me as soon as possible, because I’m afraid of flying, so I’ll have to take a boat over to Canada, and that might take a couple of days.

However, if you don’t have time and need to choose someone right now, I’d like to apply for “Men/woman who can host people on stage.” First, it sounds like fun! Second, it appears that there would be a bunch of people doing it together, and C) did I mention it sounds like fun?!

Please reply real soon, as I’ve applied to be a greeter at Wal-Mart and I don’t want to leave them without anyone to greet people if I suddenly get a job over there in Canada!

Best,

Christepher


Oddly enough, I have not heard back from Rose…

Please note, if you’re looking for spelling errors: ben, comproble, appreciating, sexyist, women’s job, and Christepher are intentionally wrong/improperly used, so back off. Please assume any other spelling or grammatical error is purely intentionalistic…

Damn You, MTV!

Well, it’s happened again…

I’m flipping through the channels (the advantage of only having basic cable and no TiVo in my bedroom: I can randomly and quickly flip to my hearts content) and I stumble across this cute guy rambling about nothing in particular… within seconds I realize that it is the new season of MTV's The Real World. While I fumbled for the remote to change the channel, I became hooked.

DAMN YOU, MTV! With your hotties and your perfectly-cast cast of dysfunctional characters, I am now going to be forced to watch these idiots on parade—and in my secret, secret shame, I’ll enjoy it immensely.

Within minutes of the cast arriving in the house (a converted warehouse in Austin, TX), they are all in the hot tub and two of the girls are making out. In fact, as the girls were choosing their bedrooms, Hottie Melinda said, “Rachel and I are very similar, I’m sure we’ll be making out before the show is over.” Silly me, I thought she was talking about the series, not the episode. However, everyone did keep their clothes on when ALL 7 took a shower together...

MTV perfectly casts each one of these series with the standard group:
Angry Black Man: This season, it’s Nehemiah. He arrives in a T-shirt with Africa emblazoned across the front and a huge wooden necklace in the shape of Ethiopia. I think he’s trying to get in touch with his African roots--or only shops at one store... Naturally, he’s interested in some of the white chicks on the show—which he will have an internal struggle with at some point.

Cool, Cute Jock Guy: Danny, from Boston… He's such a Bostonian, in fact, that during introductions, Wes walks up—and before they’ve even spoken to each other—says, “you must be from Boston…” By the end of the first episode, Cool, Cute, Jock Guy Danny has practically bedded one roommate while another started making out with him in a bar… I don’t blame the women for falling for him: he’s adorable and he’s got a body that he must spend way too much time working on. I should note that MTV needs to get his naked chest more air time…

Guy Who Probably Won’t Get Laid: Wes. Poor guy, he’s a “total frat dude” trapped behind a 'red headed step chiled' face—his body is pretty nice—I don’t think any of the girls will go for him. He does look a bit like a computer geek, which I hear all the girls just love... to have a nice conversation about Cool, Cute, Jock Guy Danny...

Virgin: Played by the “out of character” Melinda. Extremely pretty and has an adventurous attitude (i.e. slutty). She also has a boyfriend, which will fill her full of angst before she dumps him to sleep with Cool, Cute, Jock Guy Danny. Hottie Melinda likes to walk around in just her panties and bra—apparently, she does this at home “all the time.” I bet back home all they guys hang out at her place… I'm sure in an episode or two, Hottie Melinda will be tearfully breaking up with her boyfriend so she can bang Cool, Cute, Jock Guy Danny in the hot tub...

Outsider: Usually, this is the gay character, but we don’t seem to have one this season (hey, they’re in Texas, I don’t think they want any cast members killed…), so Johanna is our girl. She’s cute, she’s sweet, she’s originally from Peru, so she’s definitely going to be crushed emotionally before the season is out.

Bitch: While she hasn't done much, yet, I can clearly see that Rachel will be our girl. She constantly is going on about how "everyone gets along" and "everyone is so cool." This is the first sign that things will not remain that way... and she's the type that will want to either be the savior or cause of all the drama in the house. Maybe she'll get mad at Hottie Melinda for not making out with her some more in the hot tub?


The first night the kids go out to a club and get intensely drunk and dance in that oh-so-innocent ‘bump and grind’ fest. Maybe it’s just me, but if you put on a condom and go at each other, you’re having sex, so how do these guys feel that bumping and grinding against each other—IN PUBLIC—is any different? That there’s no penetration? Sorry, but simulated orgasm says it’s pretty much the same thing to me… Yet, after drunkenly bumping and grinding against each other in a bar, Melinda and Cool, Cute, Jock Guy Danny want to “respect” Melinda’s boyfriend. I’d hate to see what they’d do if they didn’t respect the guy.

The season promises to have some “real drama” as Cool, Cute Jock Guy Danny gets hit in the face during a fight… and his face is bruised! He has to wear a bandage! On his face! Oh, why Lord?! Why must the beautiful suffer? Cool, Cute, Bruised Jock Guy Danny doesn’t plan to suffer for long, he hopes to use his injury to get into Hottie Melinda’s pants. Cool, Cute, Jock Guy Danny may respect Hottie Melinda's boyfriend, but that doesn't mean he's not going to get into her pants anyway.

The Christian Right can run around screaming and yelling to the youth of America to “stop having fun,” but I believe that no one is watching that crap—they’re watching a whole other type of crap: The Real World.

I still say, “Damn you, MTV for making me watch this crap,” but I’ve got to give your credit, you’re doing your best to subvert those Christian Extremists who are so determined to stop everyone from having a good time. So, I’ll continue to watch… but I’ll hate myself a little bit for watching it.

Next rant: Damn You, VH1 for “Strip Search” and “Kept,” two of the guiltiest, guilty pleasures of the summer.

The (re) Gift

Last December I attended one of those White Elephant Gift Parties where everyone brings a "white elephant gift” (read: something you don’t want) and there's a big, fun exchange with people "stealing" a gift from others and all sorts of Christ-is-born-let-greed-ensue kind of fun. No gift can cost more than $10—so it’s difficult to find something cheap but with an appropriate fun-quotient.

I always try to bring something really goofy and fun—maybe even risqué—and most others do the same. Strange videos, weird items sold on late night TV, and items you see in stores and wonder, “who would buy that?” are all the rage. However, there is always someone with a stunted sense of humor that brings something that they think is hysterical, but is just lame. Guess which one I always seem to end up with?

This year I got stuck with a Los Angeles Dodgers Baseball clock and a crappy ornament. Not a funny-lame ornament, not something that was so completely repellant in an ironic and fun way, but something that was just unattractive enough to not want. I opened it and no one squealed or laughed… it was that let down sound of the room collectively thinking, “Glad I didn’t get that.”

While I don’t hate the Dodgers, Lord knows, I certainly don’t love them… so, what was I to do with it? I left the party with it and it has sat in the back of my truck for the last 7 months…

Last night I went to James and Robin’s house for a wedding shower (for Amy and Freedom—I may not have written about them before, but I’m sure I will in the future). It was a great party: tons of food, booze and good conversation. As ‘the men’ were by the barbeque, watching James burn burgers beyond recognition and blaming it on the rest of us, we talked politics, The Los Angeles Dodgers (James is a huge fan) and real estate.

I’m always a little out of it on these straight-boy/men conversations. When it comes to sports, I say nothing. When it comes to politics, I say little, because most of these guys are Republican’ts, and I know nothing about real estate. Usually, I throw in (what I think is) a funny line here and there. I pride myself on my witty banter…

James was discussing buying the house he’s renting when he said, “Well, there are some problems—there’s lead paint in the garage… poor Lilly [his daughter] won’t be able to play in there… the garage is definitely closed.” I immediately pictured barricades blocking the garage…

In my effort to be amusing, I tried to make light of it by saying, “Well, just don’t let her eat the paint chips…” No one laughed. Desperate to recover, I followed with, “…however, they are mighty tasty.” Complete silence. Crickets were chirping and somehwere in the distance, a dog barked into the sunset...

Two hours later, as I was leaving, I pulled aside James—the huge Dodgers fan—and told him I had something in my truck that he would love.

I sifted through the crap in the back of my truck and came up with the clock (the not-ugly-enough-ornament was unceremoniously tossed into the trash the night of the White Elephant Party) and came up with the clock (still keeping time, I might add…). After dusting off with a scarf that has seen better days, I presented him with the Los Angeles Dodgers desk clock…

He looked at it for a second, brushed a little more of the dust off and said, “Uh… cool. Thanks.”

“I thought you’d like it,” I beamed, “being you’re such a Dodgers fan…”

“Excellent,” he said, trying to ramp up his enthusiasm, “I’ll put this in the garage.”

Poor Mel…

Ann Bancroft, an elegant actress if there ever was one, died today of cancer. I can’t tell you how many times I watched The Miracle Worker growing up. Bancroft’s performance won her a Tony and an Oscar, and despite it being a brilliant performance that one would think it but it was her role in The Graduate that sealed her into American pop culture superstardom.

Nary a straight guy growing up has not gone through an Anne Bancroft phase—that moment after seeing The Graduate for the first time, when they start looking at older women. For some it’s fleeting, for others it can last a long, long time.

Being a little gay boy, I loved her for a number of terrific performances:

• The Turning Point—lots of drama, lots of dance, plus that incredible fight on the steps of Lincoln Center
  Garbo Talks—duh. It’s GARBO!
• Agnes of God—Why do I love nuns so much?
• The Elephant Man—So accepting of someone different… meant a lot to a 16 year-old queer boy
• Torch Song Trilogy—What can I say, it was a great big gay movie and she was in it
• How to Make an American Quilt—…um, okay, I only remember two things from this film: 1) she smoked week, and 2) Johnathon Schaech’s bod… and not in that order.
• GI Jane—Face it, the movie is trashy, at best, but Bancroft brought it up from the depths. Every scene seemed to be of her in the back of a limo, but I loved it!
• Keeping the Faith—I loved this movie, this is one of those performances where an actress knows her part and doesn't try and upstage anyone... and that made me notice her more.
• The Miracle Worker—If you want to witness an actress at the height of her craft, this is the film. Sadly, too many think of this as Patty Duke’s movie, but Anne is the one that keeps it from being a comedy. I hate to use this cliché, but her performance was truly sublime, I can not think of a more deserving Oscar performance.

While she always seemed to have such an air of dignity, what threw almost everyone was her 40-year marriage to Mel Brooks. Italian Anne, an elegant woman who carried such an air of seriousness, paired with the voracious clown (and nice Jewish boy), Mel. She became his muse—she is credited with encouraging Mel to bring The Producers to Broadway as well as inspiring several of his films. When asked by a reporter what kept such an odd pairing together, she replied, “I’d never had so much pleasure being with another human being. I wanted him to enjoy me too. It was that simple.”

Thank you, Anne. We enjoyed you as well.

May the Force Be With Us All…

Now that I’ve finally seen the new Star Wars, I’m a bit sad it’s all over. Sure, there will be a TV series and specials, but the story is now complete—even sadder when you think the conclusion of the series is Return of the Jedi… (what a load).

If I had to put them in order of preference, I guess it would go: IV (Hope), V (Empire), III (Sith), VI (Jedi), I (Phantom), and absolutely last, II (Clones). Sad, when you think of how technologically advanced I, II, & III were and yet they can’t come close to the originals. Maybe, it’s because the originals have a story and didn’t depend on technology.

Here is my humble opinion of the "silogy” in order of appearance:

A New Hope: The original Star Wars. Fun story, fun action, and mind-blowing (for their time) special effects. George Lucas, the Hollywood outsider who wanted to be a true independent filmmaker, created the most Hollywood/studio film ever and brought in the mega-budget, mega-spectacle summer blockbusters that the studios will continue to crank out to only moderate success. Best, in the sense that it is a very simple story, and is the only film in the trilogy to truly stand alone. George combined and borrowed (some would say “stole”) from a number of cultures and mythologies to create vivid and exciting new worlds. The film is an incredible achievement in filmmaking and perseverance by a filmmaker.

Granted, there was one flaw in this film and that’s George Lucas. He tends to run roughshod over things he doesn’t really care about. Poor Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. They raise Luke, take care of him for 18 years and when they die a brutal, horrible death, Luke sort of shrugs it off, saying, “There’s nothing for me here…” and quicker than you can say “lightspeed!” he’s off in space. Later, when Ben Kenobi dies—a man he’s only just met—he’s inconsolable. Besides that (and Luke’s constant whining), ‘Hope’ was a winner.

Empire Strikes Back: Truly the best film of the group. Dark and complex, it took the fun action film and turned it on its ear. “Luke, I am your father,” was as mind-blowing as the special effects. Darth Vader went from being this menacing, almost-peripheral figure, to momentous. No longer did we want Darth Vader to be beaten, we wanted to know more about him—who was he, what happened? The simple story and vivid worlds of the first film now become complex and multi-layered. These people are real, they are multifaceted in that they aren’t good and bad, but have bits of both within them.

On the plus-plus side: Luke did considerably less whining—although, on Dagobah, he did bitch and moan quite a bit (granted, for comic effect). I wanted to shout out, “Hey, Luke! Suck it up! You’re training to be a Jedi! Do you hear Marines crying, ‘Hey, that’s mine!’? No, you don’t. So, suck it up, Jedi. Get one with The Force and then go kick some Empire butt!”

Sadly, while Empire really doesn’t completely depend on Hope, it ends with such a cliff-hanger that they really should have warned us that we weren’t seeing the entire film.

Return of the Jedi: Talk about building to a conclusion! Man, this should have been the best of the lot—We’ve moved from fun and exciting, to dark and intriguing to… F’ing Ewoks? George, George, George… Is this during your Linda Ronstadt dating period?

Sadly, you can almost follow the story-board of ‘A New Hope’ in this film: the plot is the same (destroy the Death Star), it starts on Tatooine, we have the “crazy aliens” (the Cantina in Hope—Jaba the Hut’s gang in ‘Jedi’) and it goes on from there. They just added a little more to make it seem different. Leia is your sister (ugh), Yoda dies, deep down Darth really is a nice guy… (“There is good in you!” Oh, Luke, shut up), the whole thing just fell apart. It felt like a Hollywood studio-head came up with the concept: “Why don’t we go back to the beginning and just do it all again… but different! Heck, we can even blow up the Death Star again—we’ll just do it a little differently!"

But it was the f’ing Ewoks that ruined this for me. First, they didn’t blink. How creepy is that? Second, their lips kind of moved, but their faces really didn’t. Third, these little boxy little creatures could outwit and out-maneuver the Empire’s storm troopers? They brought down imperial walkers, not with lasers or blasters, but logs, rocks and some rope? Based on this logic, they should have just let a log float into the Death Star and it could have clogged the exhaust port. The Death Star: The Ford Pinto of Imperial Space Stations. I still don’t get how hundreds of storm troopers were killed by those things and only one f'ing Ewok died?

It makes you wonder about the choice of using Jango Fett as the model for the clones: Those troopers seemed to fall at the drop of a stick… (Did you notice that when someone is shooting at them with lasers, they shoot back—but if little furry things are throwing rocks at them they put their hands up to block the rocks… the storm troopers were wearing armor, right?)

The Darth Side blog put it best when discussing the f’ing Ewoks: "Have you tried one of these Ewoks, m'lord?" asked Admiral Piett, offering me a crisp kebab. "Delectable!"

The Phantom Menace: When the opening credits drone on so long that one begins to fall asleep, you know you’re in trouble. Is it my imagination, or did the scrawl contain the current prime interest rate set by the Republic, because I swear it was running at an astounding 18.4%…

Why George felt compelled to answer every freakin’ question anyone could ever ask about Darth Vader and his beginnings is beyond me. Throw-away lines from ‘Hope’ took up way too much screen time (“He was the greatest pilot anyone had ever seen” became the intolerable pod race). Why didn’t anyone tell George he could leave some things unanswered? A little mystery would have done us good. A significantly shorter running time certainly would have done my tired ass some good as well.

You would think after the amount of attention that Darth Vader collected, that George would understand the power of the bad guy… so he created, what appeared to be his most compelling and mysterious character: Darth Maul. He was cool, badass, totally tattooed and had an awesome double light saber!

Maul got about a minute of screen time and then he split… literally. WTF? When Darth Sidious found Anakin, you know he seriously lucked out, because his previous apprentices sucked ass. Look at how inept Count Dooku was in Clones… The Emperor couldn’t be that stupid—so it must be George.

Attack of The Clones: I gotta admit, I think I slept through a lot of this. I was so confused… or maybe I just stopped caring, but this movie was just freakin’ dull. George can do so much with technology, but just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you must do it. Jango Fett dies in a quick and stupid manner, kind of the way that Darth Maul disappeared in Phantom. The center of the film is the completely bland Hayden Christenson, who is perhaps the worst actor ever. He brought absolutely nothing to this role. Who knew Darth Vader was such a dull guy?

Oh, and another thing: Count Dooku? WTF? George, that’s the best you can do for a name? Something that sounds like someone crapped in their pants? “Do you occasionally count dooku? You’re not alone and now, Depends for count dooku is available at all finer pharmacies and grocers…” I think none of the Star Wars characters would have gone bad if they’d had a good name. Palpatine, Dooku, you just know they were teased in the locker room in high school. “Hey, Dooku, you lookin’ at my ‘palpatine’?” [and then they snap a towel at Dookus butt and high five each other while Palpatine cowers in a corner plotting: “I’ll get them all for mocking me and my abnormally small palpatine… damnit!”]

I saw this film once and that was more than enough for me. Mind you, I saw every one of the original trilogy dozens of times—that’s including the one with the f’ing Ewoks.

Revenge of the Sith: Heaven help me, but I liked this film. Its sole job was to wrap up the complete confusion from the first two disasters and to Luke, Lea & Han, and I think it did it well. It felt so much like we were moving home—towards “Hope.” It certainly isn’t a great film, but I liked it more than “Jedi” (no Ewoks, immediately put points in Sith’s corner. I must admit, I enjoyed the detail of the production design more than f/x. All the ships, the interiors, the costumes were one-generation off of what we’ll see in ‘Hope.’ It made it seem, well… real (for lack of a better word). I could almost taste the joy of the original and that made it worthwhile.

Sure, it still suffered the blandness of Hayden (when that kid stood up in the Darth Vader costume, it so reminded me of Rick Moranis’ Darth Helmet in Space Balls. That helmet looked out of proportion—I don’t think one should laugh at Darth Vader—Hayden, even hidden from view, still can’t measure up…) I’ve seen pieces of paper with more personality of this kid. Before you try and defend him with his performance in “My Life as a House,” there are a number of actors who hit it once brilliantly and then forever either played the same role again, or couldn’t measure up (Sandy Dennis’* 1964 Tony winning role in “Any Wednesday” is a classic example. She did the same thing again in “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolf,” up until “The Four Seasons” in 1981**, she gave the same damn performance).

The film also suffers from trying to answer all the questions and wrapping everything up tightly. I guess absolutely nothing happened in the Empire between Luke’s birth and the time that the droids land on Tatooine.

The one great success of Revenge of the Sith is that it made me want to watch Star Wars again. And for that both the Force and I are with George.




*Jeez, talk about a reference NO ONE will get… I really pulled that one out of my ass. Should I have chosen Juliette Lewis and every movie she’s ever been in? Whatever. Sandy Dennis and “Any Wednesday” are comedy gold, I tell ya. I’m sure you laughed even though you had no idea what I was talking about. Didn’t you? You know you did…

**I made it a point to avoid Sandy Dennis movies after that… so did the rest of the world. Sadly, she died a few years ago. What is most ironic is that while she performed the same role again and again, she was the only one who could really do it well.***

***I am SO talking out of my ass right now…