According to Contact Music.com Peter Brady (Christopher Knight) is going to marry that skank Adrianne Curry this weekend in what is described as a “gothic themed” wedding.
First, themed weddings are, to say the least, the most heinous things ever. Wait, let me go back a step: first, weddings are pretty annoying—everyone wants to get to the party and a theme is just going to slow that down. Say your damn vows quickly and get that open bar pouring.*
Now, let’s look at this “gothic theme”: It’s not Halloween, people, it’s a fucking wedding. You will never look this good again—and neither will the guests, so guys will wear suits, women lovely dresses and if everyone’s lucky, we all get laid. No one looks good in ‘gothic’. People wear that gothic crap because they don’t look good in anything else. They consider this a rebellion and wearing black isn’t enough, they have to be monochrome—pasty white skin and everything else nasty, nasty black. Lovely and charming, isn’t it?
Adrianne, true to her trashy roots, wanted her wedding dress to be all black—but settled on cream so as to not break her grandmother’s heart. Right. She doesn’t care about her grandmother, this is typical bride “I’m the prettiest” mentality. Each bridesmaid will be wearing a “blood-red dress… and will carry black roses.” (Klassy!) You know she told those poor bridesmaids that they could wear the dress again—probably to Adrianne’s funeral when she tells the girls they have to pay for their own dresses and the dyeing of the shoes…
Attending the wedding will be Greg (Barry Williams) and Cindy (Susan Olsen). What, are Jan and Bobby too busy to attend? And what about Marcia (Marcia, Marcia)?
More importantly, what does Carol think of this? “Oh, Mike… what are we going to do?” I can’t imagine Mr. Brady coming up with a better solution than to bury her under the carport: “She’s a whore and it’s got to be done.” Sadly, Mike is dead and can’t help Peter get out of this one. Come to think of it, I didn’t see Carol’s name on the invitation list, either. What is this, some sort of anti-Brady conspiracy? She’ll marry a Brady, but doesn’t want to be a part of the family?
This is not groovy, this is not groovy at all.
There has been no word if Alice will attend, on a happier note however, Sam the butcher is catering.
Ten bucks says that she has Tiger put to sleep within three days…
*A wedding without an open bar is one that will quickly be forgotten.