Monday, October 31, 2005

Scooter Indicted!

I don’t know all the details, but my sources tell me that Scooter has been indicted in the “Plame-gate” scandal. I’m not shocked at all.

First, I think this explains the failures of the Bush administration. Scooter was the Muppet Theatre gofer (not even the theatre manager, what is he doing as Dick Cheney’s chief of staff? Is this the first time someone so clearly unsuited for a job has been propped up by this administration? No. Harriet Meier and Michael Brown are two examples of this failed policy.

Note: I believe I found a picture of the two of them from many years ago—look at Dick, he looks human there—oh, how the years of corporate greed have sucked the very life from him, or is it the fact that his heart has been removed and never replaced?

Would you be surprised to learn that Sam the Bald Eagle is Rumsfeld’s chief of staff? It explains quite a bit. While FOX “news” has avoided commenting on this, my investigation on this matter will be thorough and embarrassing to this administration.

I intend to prove that there is a vast conspiracy of Muppets throughout the White House and US Government that is attempting to bring down the US from within. Yes, Kermit “Al-Mofuzzed” Frog, one of Bush’s top advisors, is the mastermind behind it all. I’m surprised that Bush would allow someone who vehemently supports “Felt Marriage” would be included in such an important position.

I believe the facts will support the following are in high-level positions within their respective departments:

Oscar the Grouch, Department of Interior
Link Hogthrob, NASA (Pigs in Space, indeed…)
Miss Piggy, Department of the Treasury
Dr. Bunson Honeydew, Science Advisor
Beeker, Advisor to the Science Advisor
Flying Zucchini Brothers, NSA
The Great Gonzo, State Department
Count von Count, Department of Education
Elmo, FBI
Snuffleupagus, CIA (being invisible is the only rational choice in the bunch)
Cookie Monster, Department of Commerce
Bert and Ernie, US Delegation to the United Nations

I will not rest until I get to the bottom of this, or get distracted by something shiny…

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Food for Thought

Recently, I was thinking about Julia Child. She’s been gone for just over a year now, and I’m sad to think with all the “celebrity chefs” today, that already she is being forgotten. Julia was the one who brought food—good food, mind you—to television. She cooked what no viewer might ever cook, she had ideas that people may have never considered and, most importantly, she took the level of cuisine in America and brought it up to… to… well, actual cuisine!

I can’t say that Julia herself inspired me to take cooking classes, but her influence upon the food and television industry certainly had an effect upon me. A few weeks ago, I took my first weekend cooking class at the California Culinary Academy in San Francisco. While I had a wonderful time and learned a lot (I can now confidently cook a whole chicken and have it turn out juicy and delicious, with hardly any effort at all), the best part was talking with the other students about what inspired us to take the classes in the first place.

Every last one of us was inspired by a television show.

While we spoke of our love of food—both eating and cooking… with me, it’s mostly eating, we discussed those shows that held our particular interest of late. I first brought up America’s Test Kitchen* and how much I loved it for the fact that no one on there is “television ready.” They aren’t “pretty” in the TV sense—which means, they are nice, normal people, unlike the Food Network, where everyone is pretty much beautiful.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the Food Network. The have some great shows and the drawing power of the star chefs certainly make the network fun to watch, but I can’t say I love all of them the same. Here’s a quick rundown of my impression of Food Network’s “stars.”

Giada De Laurnetiis (Short, cute, big boobs). I’ve written about Giada before. I adore her and her show. Everything she cooks looks delicious and sounds fantastic. I don’t know who her sound people are, but they do a hell of a job.

Paula Dean (big stick o’ butter) With Paula, it always begins with a big stick of butter and the calories go up from there. She’s down home and like everybody’s mama. Even if you don’t like to cook, Paula is fun to watch. If you’re a straight-boy, you’ll probably like Giada better…

Emeril Lagasse (“Bam!”) Am I the only one who can’t stand his show? I cringe every time he says “Bam!” Enough already! He’s a good chef, but the moronic studio audience waits with baited breath for the fucking “Bam!” If he just sat there for the entire show screaming “Bam!” over and over, they’d applaud and beg for more.

Alton Brown (Food Scientist) How I do love his show… he’s like the Bill Nye the Science Guy of food… only far more entertaining. Goofy things happen all the time, strange things appear out of nowhere to make a point, and yet, they don’t feel out of place. I always learn something watching that show (but with my bad memory, I always forget when it comes time to cook…)

Rachel Ray (The Giggler). She is the perfect compliment to Alton Brown’s preciseness, as everything she does is “eh…. Throw a little of this or that in and see what happens.” I have her cookbooks and I enjoy her show—although, I have never completed a 30 minute meal in under 45 minutes (one “30 minute meal” took me over an hour and a half!). I like her—despite the constant giggline—but I don’t like myself for liking her…

Barefoot Contessa (The Good Neighbor) Ina Garten is so sweet and she’s adorable in the sense that you would want her as a neighbor. She cooks and entertains, she’s fun and you know if you ever needed anything, her kitchen would have it. She’s like the kind Martha Stewart: she does so much, but she has this great happy attitude the whole time, you never get the sense she’s thinking she’s better than you (even though she probably is).

Semi-Homemade (canned crap) This is the show that everyone should be watching, because no one (and I mean no one) wants to spend hours cooking something you can shortcut by using something equally good or better from a can. However, Sandra Lee “themes” her show and “decorates” with the tackiest shit ever. By the time the show ends, I want nothing to do with anything she’s concocted. And yet I watch.

Bobby Flay (BBQ) I used to like him, but something about him bothered me and it wasn’t until I met someone in class who actually had met him that I found out: he’s an asshole. He’s arrogant… let’s just stop right there. Arrogant? Why would he have the need to be arrogant? Dude, you fucking barbeque. My dad barbeques. My mom, the gourmet, won’t go near the grill. How can you be an arrogant asshole about barbequing?

Tyler Florence (hipster) and to a lesser extent (a much lesser extent) Jack Hourigan. First, who names a girl Jack? Second, what does she do on the show? She sits there and watches Tyler cook. That’s what I do… and I don’t get paid for it. Tyler is charming and a great chef… but what the fuck is Jack doing besides throwing out “the jokes” that no one ever laughs at… especially me.

The rest of the shows aren’t really worth mentioning. While Dave Lieberman seems like a nice guy, I just can’t get into his show. I love (I mean LOVE) Jim O’Connor and “The Secret Life Of…” it’s not really a cooking show… I also won’t include both versions of The Iron Chef (the badly dubbed original Japanese version and the Iron Chef America, which takes on such challenging cuisine such as “hamburger” and “beef”).

Oh, yeah, then there’s the Low Carb and Lovin’ It (not “Loving it,” but “Lovin’ it”) which is all that Atkins stuff that I can’t stand. If your one of those idiots that loves Atkins so much, then go eat your pound of bacon and shut the hell up, but don’t try and tell me that eggplant instead of pasta is going to somehow taste good…

While I may be taking some hits at The Food Network, I have got to admit, they’ve got a lot of people watching and interested in good food—and that’s fantastic. I just don’t think Rachel Ray’s giggle is worth four (count ‘em FOUR shows on that network).

Back at the CCA we were finishing up our lunch and continuing our discussion of who we hated the most on the Food Network (sorry, Sandra… “Look at me, I’m Sandra Lee, cooking with no dignity…”) we dished while we dined… it was a great time.

It wasn’t until I was driving home that I realized that no one mentioned Julia Child (including myself). I guess fame fades, but legacies live on forever. Ultimately, changing the way America cooks and eats will be her legacy. And, as Julia Child would say, “Fuckin’ A!”**

Now go out there and cook something, damnit (and use a good bit of butter… Julia and Paula will love you for it!)

Bon Apétit!

*They used to be America’s Test Kitchen Live! but the show was taped and never in front of a live audience, that they finally—and wisely—decided to dump the Live! (and that dumb-ass exclamation point)

**Okay, she wouldn’t have said that, but the damn thing was ending on a down note—and I don’t like that… not one bit.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Surprise! I'm a Democrat!

You are a

Social Moderate
(56% permissive)

and an...

Economic Liberal
(18% permissive)

You are best described as a:


Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test
The Story of My Life...

According to some guy, my blog is worth two thousand bucks. wow. Like all things financial, I have no idea what this means. But I do know this: even on the web, I'm not worth a whole hell of a lot, thankyouverymuch.

You'd think putting hot guys on the site might get me some bucks... maybe I should start adding boobs? Boob o' the day might get some guys to check it out and increase my quasi-net worth.

I never thought about my blog being worth anything, so now that it's (kind of) worth something, I'm concerned I need to beef up sales... but I don't have any sales to beef up, so I'm even more confused...

I'm going to go eat a big bag o' dorritos and think about this...

By the way: I'd put up the link to his site, but it keeps f'ing up and I only get half the image, or it's distorted. However, the link to his website works perfectly. So, screw him--if he can't get it to work right on my site, I'm not shilling for his ass...

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Get Well, My Friend
I'm a bad blogger... I failed to read a friend's blog (who always reads and comments on mine) and she's in the hospital. Miladysa is a wonderful writer and the creator of "Fit Bit Friday."*

Currently, her very handsome husband is watching over her blog while she is recuperating. I want to wish her a speedy recovery and issue an apology for only now realizing she's been away.

I encourage any of you who have not read her blog to go over and catch up. She's a terrific writer and there is some fascinating work there that should not be missed.

*Incidentally, I used "fit bit" in a bar this weekend to great success. As I was walking out, I saw a little cutie comment about another little cutie, "He's a fit bit." Miladysa, you're a hit in San Francisco!
I Want it That Way
This has been sent to me so many times in the last few days, that I’m sure you may have seen it already. If not, it is so worth watching. Two guys mocking the crap out of N’SYNC (I think it’s N’SYNC… some boy band). Brilliantly executed. There are some outtakes at the end that give me the impression that these guys spent hours trying to get this right.

I haven’t watched them yet, but these two have made a few more videos… links are to the left of the video.

Never Play Quarters With This DudeIf this guy is in college, he’s never gone to class… he has spent all his waking time practicing Quarters. He’s brilliant at it. As Scooter said, “If only he’d use his powers for good.”

Monday, October 24, 2005

Who's The Daddy?

The wonderful people at T-Shirt Hell have come up with the above brilliant shirt. It seems that the only person that believes Tom is the father of Katie's baby, is Tom.

If you want to purchase this shirt, click here. I think a bunch of us should buy them and then show up at the Scientology Celebrity Center in LA.
As anyone who knows me can tell you, I have two great passions in life: porn and Food Network… pretty much in that order. Well, writer Frederick Kaufman has written an article in the latest Harper’s Magazine—“Debbie Does Salad”—that the Food Network is porn. No wonder I’m constantly watching it!

He breaks down the shots they use—particularly Giada De Laurentiis and the sound design of her show, which is very similar to over-produced sound found in many pornographic films.

Kaufman describes Iron Chef as “classic fetish porn” and compares Tyler Florence’s Food 911 show to the ‘pizza guy’ who shows up to assist a housewife with a cooking problem, “there's always the sense that when it's over, if the husband doesn't get home in time, there's going to be a quickie,” states Kaufman.

And little Rachel Ray is the girl next door that everyone is in love with. He compares Giada De Laurentiis as Ginger to Ray’s Mary Ann. And all these years I never realized that Gilligan’s Island was porn…

The interview can be found on NPR and the article is in Harper’s.

Excuse me, but my latest cookbook has arrived and I need to spend some time alone reading… if you catch my drift… (wink, wink).

Friday, October 21, 2005

Chicken Payback

Cav sent me this.* It's the weirdest/funniest thing. The song is odd in that it is extremely catchy. All morning I've been singing about "chicken payback" and "monkey payback" and "donkey payback" and "camel payback," oh, how it goes on. I haven't a freakin' clue what it's about, but I know I'm enjoying it.

And the weird Japanese dancers? Someone will have to explain that to me...

So, get your quarters, put on your dancing boots and let's "Rock 'n Roll!"

Happy Friday!

*If you want the lyrics, so you can sing along, just let me know...

Monday, October 17, 2005

My Personal Top Ten

Lists like this always evolve, but for those of you who want to know (and why wouldn't you?) these are the top ten guys that I put high on my list of Dye-Packers:

Josh Wald

Anderson Cooper

Jon Stewart

Ian Thorpe
("The Thorpedo")

Raoul Bova

Rusty Joiner

"New Improved"
Ricky Martin

The Secret Life of...
Jim O'Connor

Hugh Jackman

Eddie Cibrian

Feel free to add your own ideas of who your current "fit-bit" guy is.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

The New James Bond

1) Why is there a need for a new one, when the old one was so damn good looking and fit the bill perfectly?

2) Isn't James Bond supposed to be attractive? Seriously. I'm sure Daniel Craig is a nice person, but he's more of a Bond-Villian than Bond.*

3) See point one... or pic below.

Now that, my friends, is a Bond. [sigh...] Women want to sleep with him, men want to be him, girly-men want to sleep with him and be him. I just don't get it. Why mess with perfection? Brosnan was the quintisential Bond. Better than Connery, I think (before you write to complain, let me just point out that unlike Connery, Pierce doesn't use a piece. A bald Bond? As the Brits would say** "Fuck that shit.")

*I went through tons of pictures (thank you Google Images!) and that's the best I could find of Craig. I think I know where most of the next Bond f/x budget is going...

**I'm not British, so I don't know what they'd actually say, that's only what I think they'd say... if I knew what they'd say.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

“Dye Pack©”
So, Scooter and I were talking about guys the other day, (and this is unique because…?) andwe were trying to find a word to describe when we first see an amazing looking guy. I used to call them“my pants just got real tight guys” (subtle, no?) But it’s not always appropriate… especially if the guy is standing within ear-shot. We wanted something along the line of “anyways…” which is gay-code for “Ooh, look at him!*

After careful thought and much test marketing** we came up with “dye-pack©.” (We got the idea from when we both used to work in banks and secretly wished to get robbed so we could put those cool dye-packs along with the money in the bag*** that would explode an unwashable ink to ruin the money and thwart the criminals.)****

So, whenever you see a handsome young man walk by you can look at your friend, smile and say, “dye-pack.” Ladies, you can use it too! I’m afraid I have to draw the line at straight-boys using it. You go and find your own way to express yourself (I’ve been in enough locker rooms***** to know you guys already have eight billion ways to describe anything and everything sexual).

So, go forth my reader(s) and use it at will.

*Often used when Mr. Right walks by and you’re gossiping about someone: “…and she was all up in my grill and I was like, “Look, be-yatch, don’t you be messin’ wit my man…” [Hottie McHotterstein walks by] “…anyway.” See? Brilliant! However, it got so overused that it’s lost it’s meaning.

**there was no test marketing, but you knew that, right? Of course, right.

*** You know the kind, the one with the giant dollar signs on the side.

****1) neither of us really wished to be robbed (because we’d pee in our pants), 2) neither bank used those cool dye-packs, and 3) I would never use the word “thwart,” but Scooter would.

*****not in a good way.

For those of you who are wondering... his name is Josh Wald--and he's a total dye-pack!

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Notable Quotable

“That’s what I like about you, you’re so patriotic.”
—Said to my sister by a friend noticing her Breast Cancer Awareness pink ribbon on her pedicure.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Another Celebrity Break-Up

Silo and Roy have officially ended their six-year union. I am devastated.

About six years ago, Silo and Roy, two chinstrap penguins at the New York Central Zoo, began “making a nest together” (as the kids call it). They even raised an abandoned egg on their own and named it Tango (okay, I think the handlers named it…) They became minor celebrities and really pissed off the "Ex-Gays".

From what my sources tell me, a female penguin, named Scrappy moved into the zoo and Silo started helping her build a nest. Shortly thereafter, Silo and Roy had a bit of a spat and Silo took his favorite rock and moved in with the whore.

No word has been set yet on custody of Tango, or the splitting up of their communal property—including their NYC nest, a compound in Malibu, as well as a production company (“Two to Tango Productions”).

Word around the penguin tank is that their divorce is being handled by the same “private divorce judge” used by Brad and Jennifer.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

So… Who’s the Father?

Tom “I’m SO not gay” Cruise and Katie “I’m so brainwashed" Holmes have announce that she is pregnant… apparently, by Tom!

No word on if Tom's boyfrie… er, I mean, his masculine and oh-so-good-looking-he-can’t-possibly-be-straight Scientology Counselor (OSGLHCPBSSC for short) was there to “assist” Tom (OSGLHCPBSSC: “Okay, Tommy, visualize something hot like… like… you’re doing this to me…”)

In all seriousness, congrats to the couple. I’m sure the child will grow up to be incredibly good looking. It will also be seriously fucked up.
We’ve Only Just Begun…

Wow. I never expected this. Nick & Jessica are over? How? Honestly, how did it last this long? Jeez, I would have been out the door the second Jessica uttered her infamous “Chicken of the Sea” question. I guess Nick really loved that rack…

My Prediction:
Nick’s career will falter for a while until he eventually succumbs to alcoholism when he’s in his early fifties, dying in the arms of a woman (by “arms” I mean “while in the middle of a squabble over payment to a tranny-hooker.”)

Jessica will do better career-wise, until a series of unfortunate plastic surgeries makes her all but impossible to recognize her as a human being much less as her former self. Her breasts, however, will have a long career long after both are forgotten.

Their 15 minutes lasted much longer than I thought they would.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we now present Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher…

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

What Gives…?

So Bush has nominated White House Counsel Harriet Miers to be on the Supreme Court. Once again George finds the least experienced to fill a position of great responsibility. He just won’t be satisfied until the entire country is in ruins… and then he’ll say he warned us in advance.

What scares me most about Ms. Miers is neither the fact that she is a hard-right conservative, nor the fact that she wants to repeal Roe v. Wade… no, what scares me is that she said President Bush is “the most brilliant man [I’ve] ever met.”

What the...?

What is he showing these people that he does not show the rest of the world? And if he’s so “brilliant” how come we never see any evidence?

My theory is: he’s really not that smart, they are all just really stoned and he’s the one who can still talk. You’ve been there*: you’re all baked and some guy is rambling on about the universe and it’s all on the tip of a pin and your mind just explodes. The White House is just a big smoke out and Bush rambles on and everyone listens:

George: Dude… what if we invade Iraq? We could have ALL the oil—and they hate Saddam as much as we do, so we’d be, like, heroes or something.
Rice: That is SO wicked cool… you’re like… smart… and stuff…
Cheney: I’m so wasted I can’t feel my heart attack!

[they all laugh… until Laura walks in the room]

Rove: Dude, you’re so busted!
Laura: What have I told you about smoking out in the oval office? George, put on your pants. Condi, where’s your bra? And would someone find the defibrillator for Dick…

It all makes sense, doesn't it?** It’s the only explanation.

*admit it… if only to yourself.
** Of course it does.

Monday, October 03, 2005

What are you searching for?
(No, really, because—quite frankly—it’s a little weird)

So, I’m checking to see what brought people to my website over the past week and I made an amazing discovery: people are insane.

Do I blame the nut-job and their search, or the search engines connecting said nut-job to my site? Frankly, I don’t know—but the only way to find out would be to conduct a freaky word search and I think I know where that will get me: right back here. You know it’s true.*

Here is this week’s Top Ten most bizarre searches that brought people to the wonderful world of Slap & Tickle.

10. Rob Marciano
9. Hairy Tie
8. How to tie my scarf
7. Chad Myes++
6. bunny
5. Justin Baldoni++
4. Lowest
3. Comproble (not comparable, but 'comproble')
2. grab bug

And the number one most bizarre search was:

1. small girl nuth

There is something very wrong with people out there…

My final thought on this—and I can’t stress this enough—Welcome, nut-jobs! Come for the funny, stay for the pie!

*Yes. Yes, it is.
++These brought individuals to S&T FOUR times each.