Thursday, July 12, 2001

Since I can't think of anything right now, I'll just throw in this item that I wrote on Spring a while back (I'm so timely!):

I hate Spring.

Spring is the time for love and happiness and that romantic crap that makes me ill. Romance has passed me by like a broken down Yugo on the freeway during rush hour. Quite frankly, in case you have not noticed, I am pretty bitter about the whole thing.

This is the time of year that everyone gets together, happy relationships bloom, love fills the air and it disgusts me so much that I can barely breathe. I used to think it was pollen… Whenever I see a loving, happy couple I think the same thing: “I hate them. I hate them SO much. Where’s my gun, where’s my goddamned gun?” I am not sure if I want to shoot them, shoot myself or hunt down that little bastard cupid and put a cap in his ass, however, I am glad I do not actually own a gun, or someone would have been seriously hurt by now.

And I know I am not the only one who feels this way. Remember Columbine? It happened in the Spring. Oklahoma bombing? Spring. Anyone see a pattern here? I think all these things would have been fine if either of those guys had managed to find a real date. I am sure that is all they were looking for in the first place. Plan: Shoot up school. Result: chicks will think we are ‘bad boys’ and will love us.

People often tell me they I “have a wonderful personality.” Which is their polite way of saying I am a big fat oaf. How lovely for me, I have got “personality.” There is nothing worse to say to someone than “you’ve got personality.” No one wants to hear that. I don’t. I want to hear: “What do you mean you’re not dating anyone? You’re the hottest thing I’ve ever seen! If I weren’t married and straight, I’d do you right here… on second thought, take me! Take me now!” The only thing people with “personality” are asked to take is a friend to the airport.

The worst thing about spring is people feeling they need to boast about being together by holding hands and doing that smoochy stuff in public. Even worse, are the people who don not close their shades. So what if they are on the 5th floor and I need a ladder and surveillance cameras to look in?

Personally, I like summer. Summer is hot and a bit bothersome (much like my “personality”). By that time, the Spring’s love-bug has worn off and most of the relationships have sprung into either sex twice a week (if they are lucky) or they have broken up all together. Regardless, the gym fills up with people looking for someone better and people aren’t so damn joyful, which makes me very happy.

So if you are in an adoring relationship and love spring, go jump off a cliff. If you can’t stand spring and are so full of bitterness you can barely move, come sit by me, we have much to talk about.