Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Election Results: Our National Nightmare is Over!

Britney Spears has elected to dump K-Fed! White-trash dudes wearing wife-beaters and walking around with an undeserved sense of superiority are in shock.

Coincidentally, America has elected to dump the Republicans, resulting in the House of Representatives—and most likely, the Senate—returning to the Democrats. Neo-Christian White dudes wearing blue button-downs and walking around with an undeserved sense of superiority are in shock.

In other news, Karl Rove is going back to Hell

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Shut Up and Vote!

War sucks, doesn't it? Paying extremely high gas prices are a bitch. I wish the air was cleaner and my taxes went to something other than Haliburton. It would be nice if our National Parks were fully funded, wouldn't it? It would be fantastic if the government got off our backs. Stem cell research could save millions of lives... if it were funded.

You can sit there and bitch about the country or you can do something about it. Your vote is your voice, make yourself heard.

Be a real American and vote.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Holly’s Favorite Swearword*

No wonder he liked being on his knees so much!

Well, Ted Haggard admitted to his indiscretions, however, instead of just coming clean (so to speak) he had to continue his self-hating ways. In a letter to his parishioners he wrote: "The fact is, I am guilty of sexually immoral conduct. I am a deceiver and a liar. There is a side of me so repulsive and dark that I have been warring against it most of my adult life."

Jeez, dude, there are worse things than being gay. You could be a meth addict… oh… Yeah, you’re pretty screwed.

This is sad for his family, sad for his church, just plain sad for everyone… except for me. I’m enjoying this shit SO much! Pride goeth before the fall, baby. What’s that from?—The Bible? Shakespeare? Mel Gibson? Who knows, but whenever someone gets on their high horse and preaches hate, I’m always waiting for the fall. I think that’s why I am enjoying any news coverage of the White House—I think we all now know exactly what expression the crew of the Titanic had on their faces that cold April night.

What makes me really enjoy this is that EVERY adult American is right now thinking about gay sex. They don’t want to, but they are thinking about it: “What exactly did they do?” they wonder… and then the images start popping into their head. If you really want to know what they were doing, try this: remove the word “massage” from all Haggard’s comments and replace them with “my ass plowed.” You don’t pay a hustler for a blow job, or to screw them—you can find that for free at any sleazy bookstore.** No, when you want to get your freak on, you hire a professional—he won’t leave any marks, he’ll be more careful about protection, and you’ll be able to walk the next day.

I wonder what Rush Limbaugh has to say on the matter? He weighed in so gracefully with the Michael J. Fox debate (Rush knows a lot about over-medicating), so I’m sure he knows something about paying for sex…

As a bonus, here’s “America’s Best Christian™, Miss Betty Bowers and what she thinks of the whole Haggard fiasco.

*For those of you who do not watch The Actor’s Studio, host John Lipton asks everyone to answer from “the great” Bernard Pivot’s list of questions, one, of which is “What is your favorite swearword?” Holly Hunter’s was “cocksucker.”

**Do not ask me how I know… I just do.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Ted Haggard, Thy Name is “Pot”

(Reverend Haggard demonstrates what he likes to do with a penis... while on drugs...)

One of the many reasons I’m going to Hell (none being that I am gay) is how much I enjoy when things like this happen. Ted Haggard, evangelical Christian and opposer of gay marriage, has been revealed as having paid for sex 36 times over the last three years. Oh, and the kicker? He was also using drugs.

Can we say “Delicious!”?

Teddy-boy does not believe in gay marriage, but hot man-on-(drugged) man sex is apparently being “faithful” to his wife and five kids. I love it when one can interpret vague passages in The Bible to condemn gay relationships, but when it comes to The Ten Commandments themselves—and in particular, the seventh—somehow there is ‘wiggle room.’ Where’s the tranny-hooker when you need one? I don’t think The Bible mentions tranny-hookers (the jury is still out on Mary Magdalene…)

What next for the good reverend? Does he come out—leaving the wife and kids? Will he be leading next year’s San Francisco Gay Pride Parade? I am sure Haggard will use the “I take full responsibility—but it was the addiction, not me” approach so successfully used by Mel Gibson and Reverend Phelps* is the biggest homo of them all? Honestly, no one thinks about gays and gay sex as much as that man—not even gays themselves. Seriously, I have better things to do with my time than to think about two guys screwing around… like thinking of three guys screwing around.**

I think we had better start looking for the next Haggard in politics, because you know they are out there. Start looking for those who bash gays the most and you are on target: Dubya? Maybe. Condeleeza? No, she likes Karl Rove? Something tells me he’s not just gay, he’s so anti-gay, he has got to be into some weird and twisted fetish-sex that I am actually salivating while I wait for that press release.

*I know what website I’ve linked to… and what I have not linked to.
** You knew that was coming, didn’t you? Of course you did—you’re smart.