Sunday, May 31, 2009

It Takes Only One…

Let’s get this party started!  We’ve got a long week ahead and on Monday, you need something to make you smile.

Yeah, this guy looks like a tool. Is he stoned? Just a freak? Who knows?  But watch what starts to happen around 1:15…

As with so many cool things, this was found at YesButNoButYes

Friday, May 29, 2009

Get This Weekend Started

Here are some texts from Texts from Last Night to get you all in the mood for a wonderful weekend.

(814): I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around

(713): We need to get cat food
(713): Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms

(270): i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.

(320): Good. You are like the clit whisperer.

(410): so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

(484): I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem

(716): I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

(415): I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.

(510): he said he didn't have a condom.
(415): and you said?
(510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

(301): Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?

(703): he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust

(219): Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

Becareful out there, it's only funny if you can text about it the next day (from jail does not count).

Later, bitches!
Spank Bank Friday

His name is Sebastian Sam... I don't know anything else about him, other than he's beautiful.

I feel a little guilty only posting one pic... so here's a little something: Bristol's baby's daddy, Levi Johnston. Douche-y? Yeah... Hot? Oh, yeah!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

"Everything's Better When Everyone's Gay"

In the wake of the decision of the California Supreme Court--which I'm trying to figure out why everyone is shocked by this. The No on 8 people argued about as effectively as the campaign was.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Tim Gunn, Comic Book Superhero!

Tim Gunn of Parsons The New School for Design and television's Project Runway, has a new title to add to his resume: comic book superhero. According to The New York Times, Tim will appear in a four-part series, saving New York's Fashion Week. [LINK]
But doesn't he do that every day?
Obama & McCain Meeting...

John McCain IV graduated from the Naval Academy this weekend... Is it just me, or is anyone else thinking this picture ends with a kiss?
It's just me...

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Blog Find

I stumbled across a really cool blog today called Freeze Dried Engineer, written by Nathan, who is working for 300 days in Antarctica along with 40 - 50 other people while "winterovering" at the Amundsen-Scott South Pole Station while it is "closed" during the "winter" (seasons are opposite of the Northern Hemisphere).  

His job relates to the construction of the research station and systems operations. It's an intimate look at how these types of stations run.  In the 90's the U.S. Government started updating the stations, so the facilities are modern (and have a euro-cool appeal). 

I've already learned a lot about the South Pole that I never knew before (it has one long day and one long night... currently, Nathan is in the dark).  Plus, he's got some really cool pictures and posts about the working world of such a remote research facility.

Check it out for a fascinating read. 

Saturday, May 23, 2009


The man in the above picture is Chen Fuchao, who had been standing on a bridge in China for five hours threatening to commit suicide... then 66 year-old Lai Jiansheng came by, shook his hand and pushed Fuchao off the bridge. Jiansheng called Fuchao "selfish".

Jiansheng has a point. If Fuchao was going to do it, he would have done it. Not waited for an audience. He wanted people to see him and help him. Jiansheng saw that traffic was backed up for miles all for this guy making threats to jump, so he decided to speed things along. Fuchao landed on an airbag and survived--Jiansheng is out on bail.

I'm having a tough time deciding who has my sympathy. I can't imagine being that far into the abyss that you feel no way out and that taking your life is the only thing to do. I don't wish that pain on anyone. But, if you're going to do it, you do it: jump in front of a train, slash wrists, asphyxiation, etc. The people standing on a ledge aren't going to jump, this is their cry for help. However, there is a point where you think, "Jump, you fucker. I got shit to do."

Friday, May 22, 2009

Waterboarding: “It is Absolutely Torture!”

Conservative talk show host Mancow decided he could handle waterboarding because he does not think it’s torture. He lasted six seconds.

Part I:

View more news videos at:

Part II:
He realizes it’s torture (and--hopefully--that he’s an idiot, as well.)

View more news videos at:

I Know Who Ryan Reynolds Is

I love when celebrities not only make fun of themselves, but totally go against type. Kudos to Sandra Bullock, Ryan Reynolds and the FABulous Betty White for playing against type in such a hysterical manner.

I love Sandra's "dress down" of Ryan: "No one knows who you are!"

Spank Bank Friday: Salvation Style

In honor of the piece of shit Terminator: Salvation opening today, I present the one bit of eye candy in the film: Sam Worthington. He's an Aussie—because everyone hot nowadays is an Aussie—but does a much better American accent than Christian Bale’s if-I-talk-real-low-and-gruff-I’ll-pass-as-an-American accent.

The film also stars Christian Bale:

Meanwhile... Christian Bale has a 'friendly chat' with the cinematographer...

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Terminator: Salvation
aka “We’re Doomed”

[Spoilers Ahead]
[if I can prevent just one person from seeing this shit, it will be worth it.]

I saw Terminator: Salvation last night… the best part of this disaster was Christian Bale’s rant on the Cinematographer, which, sadly is not in the film.

It is the future and humanity’s survival depends on “The Resistance”, which is made up of a collective group of idiots all following John Connor—repeatedly called “a prophet” so we know he’s always right. Hunted down by Skynet at every turn, they still feel the need to live above ground and make themselves available for being killed and captured.

No one can capture John Connor—that dude cannot be hurt. I’m not sure what John Connor eats or wears, but everyone should follow his example as bullets, bombs (nuclear), and Terminators never leave him with a scratch (except for one ill-timed steel bar, more on that later). Meanwhile, everyone around him dies. It’s like bizarr-o Star Trek where the red shirt guy is the only one to live.

Of course, John Connor is up against Skynet that can recognize faces from a distance, can battle through molten metal, have their legs blown off and keep moving, but they don’t have the common sense to avoid a hastily put together rope across the road, or stand under an anvil. They will also let a large group of resistance fighters to gain access to a research facility—so they can trap them—and allow them to download vital information about their vulnerabilities. Makes perfect sense…

Skynet can locate a human within seconds of turning on music, but somehow can’t find a large military base, complete with a massive hangar. Another one issue with the Terminators is that they can’t seem to shoot straight. Humans can hit a Terminator at fifty paces, while running with a small child—however, since they are strong, they won’t go down. You have to blow them up multiple times in order to get them to drop. Some machines! I move my iPhone too fast and I have to reboot; kick the shit out of a Terminator and it begs for more, so why is it that it can shoot 1000 rounds at a slow moving child and it misses every time? Every. Fucking. Time. Someone needs to talk to R&D and tell them that before they attach skin to a Terminator, to fix the fucking targeting mechanism. Why not use the same ones that are located on the hunter/destroyer ships? They lock onto another craft and—boom!—it’s over. T-1000 meanders around a desert, wastes a lot of amo and then gets hit by an anvil. Terminator, I call you coyote.

As for “The Resistance”, well, I’m surprised they made it past day two. After stating the Terminators “hunt better at night”, everyone seems to love wandering around at night, lighting BIG fires for anyone to see. Are they trying to get killed? They do a heck of a job. They die quickly and easily. Everyone seems to be surprised when their family does not return from a raid—yet, John Connor’s girlfriend seems surprised to see him live… didn’t she read the script? Well, if the director doesn’t, why should she?

McG—a douchebag name if I’ve ever heard one—directed Charlie’s Angles and the seminal masterpiece Charlie’s Angels Full Throttle, so he knows quality filmmaking. If I may go back to the indiscriminant fires… for some reason L.A., long-since destroyed by nuclear bombs, has small fires burning every block. Nothing big, just a pile of tires that somehow did not melt in the nuclear holocaust, now seems to burn… every block… for no apparent reason other than to burn.

The battle scenes ably mishandled by Mc—I’ve shortened from McG, because I think it’s cooler—are full of explosions and shots that are designed to disorient us, without ever giving us an idea of what is going on.

Speaking of not knowing what’s going on, our lead (not Bale) but some guy called Marcus Wright [note: the main characters ALL have first and last names… supporting cast does not. No one calls Bale’s character John or Connor, it’s always John Connor, always Marcus Wright, and
Kyle Reese. It’s like they all know they’re in a bad movie.] Marcus doesn’t know he’s a cyborg, but we do, we get told he has “a good heart” and “a strong heart” often [note: clumsy foreshadowing.] Eventually, it all gets explained to Marcus, by Skynet (played by Helena Bonham Carter in her most believable role since… forget it, she was shit, too)… after he broke in and downloaded ALL of Skynet. Why did he need to have it explained? It’s all up there in his head. Heaven knows they couldn’t have shown us, they had to explain it before it happens. The mark of a clumsy director… now referred to simply as M.

Marcus Wright, who is so remorseful for killing his brother and two cops—for some reason I believe we’re supposed to think he had a good reason, as he openly wonders if he deserves a second chance. Dude, you’re in the middle of Hell on Earth and you’re wondering what you did to deserve such a gift? You killed your brother and two cops. Yeah, you should suffer this fate as long as possible. Or maybe “eh” (no letter, no complete sounding of the letter, just the grunt of a noise, much like Bale’s acting) is going after that niche market of women who return to men that have abused them: “I can change him!”

I shit you not when I say that is love interest rescues him because she knows he’s human deep down... in his big healthy human heart. And he proves her right by offering one of the two human organs he has (the other being his brain—not his junk. But I will say that Skynet gave him a nice package). John Connor, who just happens to have a steel bar sticking through his heart is, apparently, a perfect match, because no one bothered to test him. And no one thought, “We’re in a field hospital in the desert, is this a good spot for a transplant? Yes? Really...? No worries about rejection? Okay. Really...?"

Clearly, no one entertained the idea that while John Connor is their "Spiritual Leader", this guy has ALL OF FREAKIN’ SKYNET IN HIS HEAD and can tell them anything they need to know. Nope, they crack open Marcus Wright like a can of beans and pop the new heart into John Connor. Because, like directing this movie, heart transplants involve no thinking ahead or ability to perform that task.

“Worst Day of My Life!”

American Idol finally ended last night, so I no longer have to hear about that crap any longer. I’m thinking the cover of Entertainment Weekly and People… then we won’t hear about this guy until he appears in US Magazine spread on “has-beens pulling tricks under the overpass for drug money.” Another bright spot is I don’t have to hear or see Ryan Secrest for another nine months.

No reaction videos yet from this year, but I'm sure they looked something like this—but probably a lot more gay... well, a little more gay, with a lot more gay guys:

Teens Wail Over American Idol Finale - Watch more Funny Videos

Oh, kids… you haven’t seen Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, so there’s still time for you to have a worse day.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Yes We Can… As Long As You’re Not Gay

I found the above picture and the below Rachel Maddow clip on Towleroad. This just breaks my heart to think that qualified men and women who want to serve our country are being denied that right. Lt. Col. Victor Fehrenbach is being discharged two years shy of his retirement with full benefits, only because he is gay. Everyone in our government is discussing “fiscal responsibility” and we’re throwing out $25million in training.

I was so happy when Obama was elected… I’m beginning to think he’s just as bad for gays as Bush. He has yet to repeal Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell as he campaigned, and he just sits there allowing these fine men and women to be discharged. Mr. President, your silence makes you complicit in these acts. Would you feel the same way if these men and women were being discharged based on the color of their skin? The President can stop this… he just chooses not to.


On another note… the dude is effing HOT!

Friday, May 15, 2009

More Texts from Last Night

I haven’t checked this site in a while… some new lovelies:

(205): I only kidnapped one of them. Chill

(303): am i morally bankrupt?
(970): no. its just the recession

(770): Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
(404): Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
(770): Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I’m surprised this isn’t from (303)

There’s a story here… a story I don’t want to know.

(480): just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.

(410): He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.

(512): Can Purell be used as lube?
This will not end well

(857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I totally agree with this one. It drives me nuts!

(312): She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!

(202): Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?

On that note, have a wonderful weekend, bitches!

Spank Bank Friday

Jason Stratham... Yes, please!

“As fast as you can say ‘Bob’s your uncle…”

The Always Lovely Hazel

I love infomercials. They are amazingly bad, yet addictive to watch. The items they sell are often substandard and last about as long as the infomercial.

I have been sucked into just about everyone of them (Enzyte, being one major exception). They promise the world, but rarely deliver. The GT Xpress? Burns the outside while leaving the inside cool and raw! Mighty Putty? Works… but smells like gasoline. The Hanger Cascader? Nope. Still takes up too much space. Riddex Plus? When a field mouse runs to it, you know it’s time to call the exterminator and toss that piece of junk. But the ads are so convincing, I feel the need to buy them.

The Magic Bullet is by far the best infomercial. Mimi and her Australian husband hosted a party the night before and in the early morning light, the people that were too drunk to drive home are gathered around the kitchen to watch them make breakfast… and lunch… and snacks… and drinks. This is how Scientology works, isn’t it?

My two favorite characters are Verman and Hazel. Verman is a pudgy, bald guy who partied too much the night before—he can’t even show up in clothes, he’s still in a robe… oh, Verman! Hazel is exactly as you’d expect: New York-ish, 50-ish, horn-rimmed glasses, with cigarette dangling from her lips—with a huge ash that never falls off!

I had no interest in ever buying one—but I have watched this infomercial at least two dozen times. It’s freakin’ addictive! However, in a moment of weakness, I did finally buy one. How can I resist the power of Verman and Hazel?

Watch and see if you can resist…

Part I

Part II

However—before you buy, note one important thing—it’s a piece of sh*t.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Oh. My. Gawd.

Behold, the greatest film to ever come from the director of the worst films you never saw—such as Monster Island and America's Deadliest Home Video—comes (wait for it...) Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus!

You don't believe me, do you? I wouldn't believe me. But, we have video... video so deliciously bad, so excruciatingly horrific, I feel I must share it with you. [Warning: the scenes contain sad special effects and Lorenzo Llamas]

Monday, May 11, 2009

Creepy Burger King Ad

Burger King is currently running campaign promoting Star Trek, which is both bizarre and creepy. Note the above picture... is that a wedgie, or is the Klingon King giving that dude his own special whopper? Who knew The King was that into BDSM?

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

"Sounds like steam escaping..."

RIP Dom DeLuise

Dom DeLuise, who appeared in several of my all-time favorite movies (Blazing Saddles, The Twelve Chairs, The Muppet Movie, History of the World Part I, Cannonball Run [guilty pleasure]) as well as a voice in countless animated TV shows and films, passed away at the age of 75. He'll be missed.

Since he was Burt Reynolds good friend--and I'm a shallow person--I'm putting up a picture of Burt when he was hot. Dom would have wanted it that way (okay, maybe not, but I'm not posting a semi-nude pic of Dom!).

Okay... okay! Here's a picture of Dom (back in the day):

Monday, May 04, 2009

Places You Will Never Find Me #536

Going out there would leave me with this conundrum: do I crap or pee in my pants?