Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Holy Moly! He's Purty...

This guy has obviously made a pact with the devil to look like this. How do I know? Because, he said to the devil, "Make me unbelievably cute with an amazing body, perfect skin and abs that people will kill for..." And the devil said, "Sure... but I'm gonna give you fucked up hair."

(click on the image to make it bigger... he really is quite lovely. But that hair! I fear straight-boys throughout the country will emulate that and that is so sad).

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Mañanas de las palmada y de las Cosquillas
(con los pechos ocasionales)

Well, my site meter has sent me the results of another exciting week…

I would like to begin by thanking the Food Network and the desire for the public to see them all “shirtless” and a distinct desire to see Jack Hourigan and Giada de Laurentiis’ boobs. Not just “boobs,” mind you, but someone wanted searched for “Giada de Laurentiis big boobs.”

God bless the perverts. *

Speaking of, someone wanted to see Ina Garten’s boobs as well. Actually, the did not state “boobs” or even “big boobs.” No, their search was for “Ina Garten Jigglers.” I’m pretty sure they weren’t looking for Jell-O™.

A shout out to my future ex-husband, Anderson Cooper—I had six people arrive at S&T attempting to find him shirtless. They must have been terribly disappointed.

On only one search was I both in the number one and number two spot: “not slap just tickle.” I’m not sure what the hell that was about, but I’m very popular in that search. Good for me.

I can only imagine what was going through the head of the poor Spanish-speaking soul who stumbled across my site and decided to have it translated from my ‘adequate at best’ use of the English language into Spanish. For those of you who are curious, “Naughty Pillows” as described in Breasteses of the Week can be translated as “almohadillas traviesas.”

Oh, and some guy found my site by searching for…. (wait for it)… “breasteses.”

*That is the most aptly described website... ever. I don't recommend it at all, unless, of course, you're into midget sex--then go for it. Otherwise, think about breasteses and think that you're a pervert. Seriously, you don't want those images bouncing around in your head---that shit just ain't right...

1) I apologize for the term "midget."
2) I apologize for insinuating that l'il people sex is somehow perverted.
3) That is some freaky shit... seriously... freak-ky.
4) Again... apologies.

Friday, November 25, 2005

How Not to Sell Clothing
I love Waiter Rant. It's an interesting site and he has some interesting stories. He recently added a shop to his site... the above picture is how he is "marketing" the men's T-shirt.

Is it just me, or does that make you want to NOT buy a shirt? I guess if I only had one arm, it might make me buy one, but are there a lot of one-armed men running around? And is that necessarily a market one tries for?

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with a one-armed man, but it certainly didn't help Helen Kimble or her poor husband, Dr. Richard Kimble, who was framed for her murder--only to escape and become a Fugitive trying to clear his name. Honestly, who doesn't think of that when one thinks of a one-armed man? And is that the best way to sell a shirt.

Maybe he's trying for the pessimists out there who think they are going to lose an arm. Which begs the question, how big of a market is that? But, I'm still at a loss to the appeal of Britney Spears, Paul Rudd, and Paris Hilton--so what do I know? That said, I'm still not buying a shirt...

...unless I lose an arm.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Today I Am Thankful for California Weather

Partly cloudy and 68 degrees... It's a bit chilly, but it is winter (or close to it). Let those on the East Coast have their "seasons" this suits me just fine.

Today, I made French Onion Soup, so we could eat "light" the day before the main eating event of the year. However, the tons of cheese on top really shot to hell any idea that it was a light meal. I've said this before, I'll say it again: "Cheese is good."

Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends! To my friends overseas (and the occasional Canadian and Brazillian reader): I hope you understand what Thanksgiving is, because it is very difficult to accurately describe.

Basically, as you read this, I am either stuffed to the absolute limit--with turkey (with gravy), mashed potatoes (with gravy), stuffing (with gravy), sweet potato pie (sans gravy), wine, pumpkin pie and spiced pumpkin cheese cake (which I made thankyouverymuch)--or I am about to start eating so I can become stuffed to the limit with the above food. It is a glutonous event. A shameful site if there ever was one... but, damn it's good.

The idea is that we are to gather together as a family and give thanks we have each other. In actuality, it's a day we gather together as a family and spend the day wishing we were with anyone but our family.

We stuff ourselves so full of food that we can not move so we won't kill our cousin who, when we were 13 "pants'd" me in front of a bunch of kids at my new school and pretty much ruined my entire high school social life... uh... I, er, um... like I heard that happened to this guy one time. Because, if I got pants'd, you know that would actually make my social life... no, really, it would. (whatever.)

I think the universal theme is that everyone loves their family, but wouldn't have them as friends, because friends wouldn't put up with the shit that families dish out. I love my family, I really do. But they do drive me nuts--as I'm sure I do them, for what reason I couldn't possibly tell you, because I'm fucking adorable to be around... really. I am. (whatever.)

I guess it could be worse. It could be raining.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Shirtless Boobs
Well, my brief boobs experiment has not paid off quite as handsomely as I thought it would. While my numbers are up, they aren’t up that much—I guess people can smell my failure from 50 feet even on the internet…

Anyhow, if you look at the chart above for the last month, you can see that Carmen’s FCC’d Boobs definitely bring in the eyeballs, but so did Scooter Libby and National Deviled Egg Day.

The other jumps were for those weird Asian guys singing N’Sync and that strange (yet tempting) Chicken Payback song. If I’m in a pinch, apparently a lack of boobies can be made up for by having some sort of strange song to play… or eggs. Eggs work, too. (I’ll have to remember that.)

However, looking at my referrals, it seems that any “hot” woman’s name and “boobs” produces eyeballs. That goes for any hot guy and the word “shirtless”. I’ll have to make sure I place words like “Katie Holmes Naked” and “Matthew McConaughey shirtless” randomly throughout future postings to guarantee people will click over.

I had one amusing one (and I’m NOT making this up: Someone from Google Asia was looking up “amazing lacist.” Oh. My. God. Naturally, my racist bit was the number one search result… how shameful for me. —Anderson Cooper Shirtless!— How could I stoop so low?

I must thank MiladysaAnna Nicole Smith BOOBS!—and Evil Gay LaywerJake Gyllenhaal Shirtless!—because so many of my referrals have come from their sites. I want to thank you both for your kindess in promoting —Natalie Portman BOOBS!—my humble site.

Well, my break is over, I need to finish up some work—Heath Ledger Shirtless!—I still have talk about my car accident... —Tom Cruise BONKERS!

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Breasteses of the Week
(Boy, what a pair!)

The above breasts (or breasteses, as many folks are want to call them—also, boobies, knockers, Janet Jacksons, gazongas, yabahoes, etc.) belong to Carmen Electra. I’ve blocked out the nipples, not because they’re obscene, but because they were kind of funny looking. Sort of like a popped zit… (like I said: funny looking).

“Why,” you may ask, “Why would you, an obvious gay-boy, put up a pair of breasts (breasteses, jugs, hooters, major-league yabahoes, etc.) onto your Oh-So-Gay blog?” Eyeballs, baby. If I can get a few more eyes on these pages, then my ego is stroked, and we all like to have our ego’s stroked, don’t we?

Sure, it will bring in the occasional straight-boy or two (they can quickly Google away to Angelina Jolie + Underwear + Crotchless + paprika and have at it). I’m hoping a few questioning guys will check out the hottie guys and decide to join the darkside—or will laugh at my jokes and stick around. Maybe even one of the straight-boys with a secure sense of sexuality will stick around as well… who knows?

Anyway, don’t be surprised if you see images of breasts (jigglers, titticacas, airbags, Quakers, lefty 'n' righty, warheads, hooters, Partons, yahtzees, Brustwarzen, headlights, shimmies, naughty pillows, sweater bumpers, Fahrvergnügens, deux oeufs sur la plat, etc.) on this site in the future. Of course, it won’t always be Carmen Electra. No, I’ll try for other saucy women such as Angelina Jolie, Pam Anderson, Mary Kate Olsen, Natalie Portman, Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Connelly, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Catherine Bell, Cameron Diaz, Shannon Elizabeth, as well as several chicks I’ve never heard of but saw on some horned-up straight boy’s site: Elisha Cuthbert, Rachel Bilson, Victoria Silvstedt, and Michelle Tanner.

Then again, if the boobies thing don’t bring in the eyes, I may have to go with “Hot Ass on that Guy Mondays” or some such nonsense.
For those of you not interested in the above photo of Carmen’s “Electras,” take heart and check out this guy):

Um… wait, not him… I meant this guy:
Oh, yeah... much better...
How Blue Am I?
Quick, someone call an Analrapist!

Like all relationships that are going to end, there were warning signs. I knew it was going to happen, but I had faith. I had hope. Yet, once again, my faith in the intelligence of the American people is called into question (you’d think I’d learn by now).

FOX television, the network of idiot shows like “Who Wants to Marry A Multi-Millionaire” and “When [insert something like “animals,” “cars,” or “small woodland creatures”] Attack” has pulled the plug on the best live-action comedy show they have on their crappy little network: “Arrested Development” has been cancelled.

I haven’t been able to write for the past few days, I am so bummed about. It’s a brilliant show, and there are DVD’s, but it’s not the same. Not the same at all.

I was hoping HBO, Showtime, or some other cable company with a brain would pick it up, but no luck. The show won a slew of Emmys this year! Can't an award winning show find a decent home? Is that too much to ask, America?

I'm sure in a few years there will be a huge cult following of the show and people will wonder why it was cancelled. Thanks, America for not f'ing thinking. I shouldn't be surprised, these are the same people that voted for Dubya... they watch "funny" shows like "According to Jim" and "Yes, Dear." Visigoths!

I think I’m going to curl up in bed with a gallon of ice cream and cry myself sleep.*

I’ll try and be funny tomorrow when I write about my car accident (there’s a happy-happy-good-time-fun-good-time-make-you-smile story if there ever was one).

I do that every night, but mostly without the ice cream… mostly.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

EGL asked--pleaded is more like it--to remove the picture of "The Governator" and replace it with something more to his liking. Well, EGL, I don't know if you like this as much as I do, but--God bless him--this guy is cute as a button!

I believe his name is Derek Cruz and I believe he may--or may not--be some sort of "model in the adult entertainment industry." I don't care what he is... he's just darn pretty to look at.

I'd elect him governor... of course, I'd elect just about anyone over Arnie (with the exception of Adolph Hitler and Mel Gibson, who may--or may not--be the same person).

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Who’s the Girlie-Man, Now, Be-atch?

Ahnuld has been soundly rebuked by the voters of California (or Kaly-Fornee-a, as he mispronounces it). All of the initiatives he pushed for to extend his power have been shot down by the people.

$82 million in public money has been wasted on an election no one but Arnie wanted… and now he’s been politically humbled. Oh, the pain this has caused him is delicious… You know, maybe $82 million is about right to watch him fall on his ass. Oh, wait, didn’t he already do that with “The Last Action Hero”?

Look, Arnie, we brought you in to fix the problems of special interests in government and its become obvious that you are beholden to them. As Governator, you decided that the processes we have in place to prevent a power-grab was inconvenient for you. Well, as Linda Hamilton so aptly put it: “You’re terminated, fucker.”

Good luck on getting re-elected next year… oh, and I guess this puts the whole ‘pass the Arnold Amendment’ thing to rest. Finally, the tide turns away from the Republican Girlie-Men and their idiot policies…

Hey, shrub! You're next.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

National Deviled Egg Day

Proof that there is a celebration for everything, today is National Deviled Egg Day. Don't get me wrong, I love them little deviled eggies (mmmmm... delicious), but after a few, I'm pretty much done for the next year or so.

Not coincidentally, tomorrow is National Pass Horrendous Gas Day.

Bon Appétit