Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Oh, For the Love of Cruise!

According to The Sun, Tom Cruise is the new “Christ” of Scientology and that the 'church' leaders believe that in the future he "will be worshipped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion." I believe this to be true--as it has been written by the prophets: "When he pours, he reigns." Oh, Tom, watch over us...

So, let us turn to the Book of Suri and in Chapter 7, verse 9, we read: “And yeah, there is a balance to the Universe, for every ‘Top Gun,’ there lies an ‘Eyes Wide Shut;’ for every ‘Magnolia,’ there will be ‘Cocktail;’ for every ‘Jerry Maguire,’ let there be ‘Days of Thunder;’ for with ‘Born on the Fourth of July,’ there must be a ‘Losin' It.’ Work for the best, work for the worst, but always—yeah, ALWAYS—work for the paycheck. So sayeth Tom.”

And yes, like Christ, many wonderful, valuable, and inspiring quotes will be attributed to Him… none more so than: “Respect the cock... and tame the cunt. Tame it.” I'm not sure which book that's from, but it sounds like either Luke or John..."

I would be remiss, Mr. Cruise, if I did not mention that even Christ wouldn't make a piece of shit like Cocktail.

Get Behind Thee, Satan!

I saw this at The Socialite's Life blog (a daily must-read) and I couldn't stop laughing. Sure, there is something here that makes me wonder if it's real. But, there is such a sense of "truthiness" here that I'm willing to go with it.

As 'The Socialite' pointed out: keep an eye out for the real stars of this video: the scissors.

UPDATE: This has been revealed as to be staged. The girls are actors and this was a script that one of them wrote. They were on Good Morning America talking about it. I still laugh when I watch this because you just know somewhere this happened and some poor bastard is now married to it.

In other news...
Oscar nominations are out and Chrismatica© is having a tought time, because Chris hasn't gotten his out to a movie in a while and he's got no idea what's going to win. Plus, he's referring to himself in the third person, which is never a good sign...

Monday, January 29, 2007

Christmas is So Last Month...

I'm so behind on things like this. I could not stop laughing while watching this and I can't wait until next Christmas to post. Very clever--enjoy!

Friday, January 26, 2007

My Fine is $585.60

I saw this over at Kelly Stern’s blog (who in turn, saw it on someone else's blog) and felt compelled to post it… My, how it ads up! So scroll through, add it up and leave a comment as to what you owe.

How much money do you owe?

Here’s how it works: You don’t have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine. (Not per incident!) Tally up your score and post it on your blog with the title… “My Fine Is…”

Smoked pot — $10
Did acid — $5
Ever had sex at church — $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you — $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace — $25
Had sex for money — $100
Vandalized something — $20
Had sex on your parents’ bed — $10
Beat up someone — $20
Been jumped — $10
Crossed dressed — $10
Given money to stripper — $25
Been in love with a stripper — $20
Kissed some one who’s name you didn’t know — $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work — $15
Ever drive drunk — $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk — $50
Used toys while having sex — $30
Got drunk, passed out and don’t remember the night before — $20
Went skinny dipping — $5
Had sex in a pool — $20
Kissed someone of the same sex — $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex — $20
Cheated on your significant other — $10
Masturbated — $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend — $20
Done oral — $5
Got oral — $5
Done/got oral in a car while it was moving — $25
Stole something — $10
Had sex with someone in jail — $25
Made a nasty home video — $15
Had a threesome — $50
Had sex in the wild — $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex — $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars — $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older — $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 — $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time — $50
Said you love someone but didn’t mean it — $25
Went streaking — $5
Went streaking in broad daylight — $15
Been arrested — $5
Spent time in jail — $15
Peed in the pool — $0.50
Played spin the bottle — $5
Done something you regret — $20
Had sex with your best friend — $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work — $25
Had anal sex — $80
Lied to your mate — $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good — $25

Chris’ total: $585.60
(Will they will take a post-dated, three-party check...?)
Bush to Send Pocket-Sized Marines to Iraq

President Bush, after being saluted by a 'pocket-sized' Marine, has stated that he will send the "L'il Marines" to Iraq to "really get in there where the normal-sized Marines can't git." Yeah, I'm bullshitting, but it does look like Dubya is being saluted by a munchkin, doesn't it?

Dubya recently stated, "I'm the decision-maker" on sending more troops to Iraq. So far, Mr. President, your decisions have all been the worst decisions ever. Your "gut-instincts" are always wrong. I think you need to look deep, deep in to the chasm where your soul ought to be and do exactly the opposite and maybe--just maybe--you won't bring about the end of mankind.

But then again, you're a moron of biblical proportions, so I'm sure you'll fuck up whatever you do.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Goodbye, Ashley!

According to USA Today: "Miss New Jersey USA Ashley Harder has resigned from presiding over ribbon-cutting ceremonies and other world-saving photo-ops to focus on a more challenging matter: motherhood."

My favorite quote from Ms. Harder: "Life happens. Initially, I was a tiny bit disappointed, I wouldn't be competing. But there was no comparing the two: Miss USA or a baby, a baby that had been sent to me by God."

Don't forget to thank the broken condom...

Friday, January 12, 2007

Hello, David!

It looks like David Beckham and Posh Spice will be making their way to Los Angeles to attempt to bring Major League Soccer to the masses of America. Didn’t they try and do that in the 70’s with Pelé? Let’s hope that if David decides he wants to act, he’ll steer clear of a remake of Victory.

There is much discussion on Becks age and how he’s “getting old.” The man is fricken 31… and he’s old.

Regardless, Becks and Posh will certainly turn our dreary eyes from Brad & Angelina and Tom & Katie (“Brangelina” and “Tomkat” for those of you who live for this). And maybe—just maybe—our eyes will turn to soccer. I would be more hesitant to think that America may get to like soccer, but there were three big articles on the sports page this morning on Barry Bonds’ latest testing positive for performance enhancing drugs… and next to each, there was an article on David Beckham. Who knows, this just may be what America needs.

Frankly, I don’t care what sport a guy plays, but if he looks like this—I’m watching!

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

What an Asshole!*

Scooter sent me an email the other day noting that “we are living among fascists.” Here’s some shit I cannot believe:

What the hell is going on, people? When did expressing your Constitutional right to Free Speech make you an “enemy of the state”? Does this man understand The Constitution?

Sean Hannity—who can best be described as a “TV personality” and certainly not as a journalist—is determining who is a “good American”? Hannity wouldn’t understand a good American if it came up and kicked him in the ass—and frankly, a good American would do just that.

*Not Dubya! Although he came in a close third, right after Dick “Go Fuck Yourself” Cheney.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Gotta Love The Navy

God Bless the U.S. Navy! Homophobes that they may be, their Annapolis web site contains a whole section dedicated to their athletics program… and all the hot jocks therein contained (they seem like such a happy bunch of kids, don't they?)

Sadly, I cannot find a photo gallery of the Lacrosse team, but there are plenty of wonderful pictures for the football, soccer, baseball and water polo teams. (sigh)

They’re disciplined, love their country, and are all hot ‘n sweaty.

For my lesbian reader, yes, they do have a women’s golf team… why do you ask? (but don’t tell!)

Mmm. Mmm. Mmmph.

Images Copyright © 2007, U. S. Naval Academy All rights reserved

Monday, January 01, 2007

Happy New Year!

Good Lord, has it been so long since I’ve last posted? I’m such a slacker… such a goddamn slacker. I’m embracing it. I’m owning it.

Since I’ve been away, several news events have happened and I’ve not commented… here’s my brief look back at what I failed to comment on in December (in no particular order):

Saddam Hussein is dead. That bastard was still alive? I gotta read the newspaper now and again.

Gerald Ford died. Not exactly a shocker… (93 and piss-poor health the last year). However, he had a significant role in U.S. history and I think the pardon of Nixon was a good thing. I am seriously enjoying* watching the state funeral. I love me some pomp and circumstance (but mostly the pomp).

Have you heard “Christmas Shoes”? Apparently, there are a number of people that think this is a fantastic song. I’m a sap of the highest order. I cry at just about any sentimental thing on TV… but this song is just crap. Anytime someone says “mama is gonna see Jesus” I just check out. Of course, there’s a chorus of kids singing, so we’ll all feel that holiday tug and go buy this crappy song. What kid wants to buy his mother shoes?** Hate to tell you this kid, but when they burry you, it’s sans shoes. Ain’t that a kicker? What kid knows his mom’s shoe size? Well, what straight kid, anyway…

Michael Lucas is the greatest porn director. Okay, there are adult films I enjoy more, but his films are truly films. They aren’t pornos, they are films with a lot (and I mean a LOT) of naked men banging each other—however, there is a substantial plot! Unheard of in the porn world. His two latest (and yes, I own them) are “Dangerous Liaisons” and “La Dolce Vita”. Correction, the titles are; “Michael Lucas’ Dangerous Liaisons” and “Michael Lucas’ La Dolce Vita”. Along with a big schlong, Michael has a big ego. When did I get these stunning films you ask, right about the time that I stopped posting. Don’t tell me I’m not using my time effectively…

I couldn’t get enough of the Christmas songs this year. Had them on my iPod, on the radio, on the TV… I just loved them. Well, exception being that f’ing shoe song.

I ended the year with a cold. Such a nasty little bugger that I couldn’t go out and celebrate! What a horrible way to ring in the new year. However, I was on the phone talking to Scotty—also home sick with a cold—when the New Year passed, so I wasn’t completely alone.

Speaking of cold... where the Hell is the global warming I've been hearing so much about? My ass is freezing! I'm sleeping in flannel sheets, under an electric blanket, a down blanket and a down comforter and I'm still freezing! Someone is not driving their Hummer nearly enough...

SNL Digital Short: Dick in a Box. Need I say more? Hysterical. Genius. Classic.

Daniel Craig as the new Bond. I’m in love. LOVE. The man is amazing. Stunning. Redefined Bond and I couldn’t be happier. When I first heard they had hired this blonde guy to replace my beloved Pierce Brosnan, I thought “No f’ing way!” However, I was wrong. SO WRONG. The man is a total stud. I’m looking forward to the next Bond… oh, yeah, the movie was good, too…

Weeds. Damn, I’m so mad I have to wait for this show to end up on DVD before I can see the last season—in the interest of money, we gave up Showtime. However, if you have not seen the show, you must catch it at your earliest convenience. Here is some classic dialog (in this case a monologue) where in Uncle Andy explains masturbation to his nephew Shane. All I want to know is, where was this guy when I was going through puberty?

Alright, listen closely, I'm not gonna beat around the bush...
Your little body's changing, it's all good, believe me, the problem now is, everytime we jerk the gerkin we end up with a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right... So, first order of business, NO MORE SOCKS, they're expensive, gumming up the works, plumbing-wise, but you might be thinking to yourself "But uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock?" Glad you asked. You can have a lovely time tugging the tiger in the shower each morning, and that eliminates the need for a goo glove, but the day is long, masturbation's fun, so unless we want to take four or five showers everyday we're gonna need some other options here... So let's start with the basics... Tissues... Perfectly acceptable back stop for all that creamy italian... it can be rough and dry on such soft sensitive skin, not to mention it can get stuck to your dick head like a fuckin band aid.. ouch. From then on we move on to more lubricated flag catchers, specifically... BANANAS. Step one: Peel the banana. Step two: slip the peel over your andy johnson, start pitchin. Now for extra credit, warm up the peel on the microwave, not too hot, (serious youser), also olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner and vaseline can all be used for lube. In my opinion the best lube... is lube. So save your allowance, invest in some soon. Alright moving on, when you tug your thomas on the toilet, pfft, shoot right into the bowl. In bed, soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own if you don't mind tossin after tossin. There's no such thing as polishing the raised ceptre of love too much. It reduces the stress, it enhances immune functions... Also, practice makes perfect, so work on your control now while you're a solo artist, you'll be playing some long happy duets in the future. Alright, class dismissed...
Hey... Homework.

On that note, have a Happy New Year… and go get yourself some bananas.

*Enjoying is a bad term, but darn if I can think of one more apt and, as I stated above, I'm too much of a slacker to do find anything better.
**Imelda Marcos’ kids notwithstanding.