Monday, March 27, 2006

is u b white trash?

Hey, kids--take the White Trash Test and see where you fall on the White Trash Spectrum. Me, I'm 21% White Trash--mother will be suitably horrified, but will take comfort in the fact that I don't drink wine from a box.

I'm going to guess that Kevin Federline pretty much maxed out the parameters of this test and achieved a perfect score... or as he'd say "Damn, I done right!"

Let me know how you do.

Friday, March 24, 2006

'Brokeback' on DVD

Well, 'Brokeback Mountain' is coming out on DVD on April 4--and as an added bonus, Wolfe Video is giving away a free blue bandana with each DVD. Depending on where you wear it, you could be letting the world know your either an 'Ennis' or a 'Jack'.

Then again, it could be worse, they could have been giving out deep red bandanas...
How Your Computer Works

If the week has been rough on you and Gay Robot can't help (see below) then turn off your mind and watch this for a while...
Gay Robot

This just had me on the floor... What a great way to start the weekend.

"I can feel my steel!"


Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Gimme a Minute...
Hmmm... looking at my stats, I see that the average length of stay is less than a minute. I guess if you don't have any pictures of Giada's boobs, then people are just not going to stay...

Or maybe I have to write longer pieces? Give them something to stay for...?

Fuck it.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

And You Are...?

I’ve now passed the 7,000 visits mark—wow, hard to believe that 7,000 people would bother to stop by, much less read what I’ve written.

A number of wonderful readers came from other sites and I can only thank them for their wonderful support. I love you guys… and it’s not the wine I’m drinking (second glass… mmmm good, Cabernet Sauvignon*.

Boys for Breakfast (22 hits!)
EGL (11… If I wasn’t crushing on him—big time!—already, I’d love him even more)
Guy Dads (2)
Josh and Josh are Rich & Famous (1) (such cute boys… they will be rich and famous)
Gasbro (1)

Then again, I have to put my ego in check when I look at these results… here are some of the searches that have brought people to S&T:

“Slap & Tickle” Are they searching me out, or are they looking for something dirty? Do I care?
“Chris Evans Bulge” Who wouldn’t want to see that?
“Slap the Chicken” Is that like ‘choke the chicken’?
“Derek Cruise gay”
“Chris Evans Body” You had me at ‘bulge…’
“Rob Marciano Gay” I like where you’re going with this…
“Anderson Cooper Shirtless” Oh, YES! YES! YES! If you find them, send them to me!

Then there are those searches that make me say What. The. Fuck?
“Actress Sex”
“Americas [sic] Sexiest Women”
“Marlee Matlin”
“Editor-at-porn-magazine” (wha…?)
“Pictures of Beeker and Dr. Honeydew” (who looks for this?)
“Mornings of Slap & Tickle” Oh. My. God. Someone is actually looking for me? That is the craziest thing… ever.

Whore that I am... I'm 'Jonesing' for 10,000! There will be champagne that day!*

*A special thanks to the wonderful Lisa R. at work… she ran to Development at work and demanded wine (they’ve always got wine… or shirts… or anything with a freakin’ logo) and we drank on the train home. Then (and this is where I love her) she gave me the rest of the wine to take home. I finally drank it tonight. Good stuff… I’m totally buzzed. Probably shouldn’t be bragging about that, but it’s been a good weekend: went out with friends, got laid… talk about a capper…

**And I'll be totally hammered... you'll be lucky if I... I... (oh, the Hell with it... I think there is still a little left in the bottle... ooth... on noth... mah tonth ith thuth...)

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Eddie Would Go

Friday, March 17 is the 28th anniversary of Eddie Aikau’s disappearance. Eddie was known in the surf community for being able to surf the very biggest and scariest of waves and as an excellent waterman. Eddie and a group of paddlers were reenacting the discovery of the Hawaiian Islands by Hokule'a (a traditional Polynesian canoe), however they were determined to guide themselves the way the original Hawaiians did: without radios or navigation equipment, and only the stars to guide them.

Only a few hours out from the start, they hit heavy seas that capsized the Hokule’as and caused them to drift out of the air and sea lanes into dangerous waters. Eddie volunteered to take his paddle board and swim 12 miles to the nearest island for help.

Eventually, the crew was saved, but only Eddie’s broken board was discovered—Eddie was never found. He is now a Hawaiian legend, with a surf contest held every few years, but only when the waves are big enough—because Eddie would only surf the biggest waves possible.

In the Islands, when the sea is too rough, the waves too high, or something is deemed too difficult, it is often said, “Eddie would go.”

Have a great weekend—go do something crazy fun, Eddie would…

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Who's to Blame?


...and Jim

Years ago, when I came out to my parents, my mother kept asking if it was something she did that “caused this.” She seemed to quickly decide that this was “just a phase” and that I would grow out of it. It’s been over 10 years and I still haven’t grown out of it.

On Sunday, 60 minutes ran a piece attempting to answer the same question put out by so many parents of gay men: Why’s my son a homo? The piece explained that the more boys you give birth to, the chances of one of the boys being gay grows considerably with each boy born. However, there is no cause/effect associated with girls.

The signs were there throughout childhood—I joined the baseball team because I liked the uniforms: I don’t have an ass to speak of, but in baseball pants, I looked good—plus, who doesn’t love stirrup pants and a cup? I put on plays in the backyard with my friends and everything was dramatic: waterskiing accident leaves a girl blind (no, I did not play the girl), period piece where a girl constantly was beheading subjects and putting their head in an ice bucket* (no, I did not play the girl) and a comedy about a funny family and the kooky things they do (no, I did not play the girl… I played her mother. Hey, no one else was able to get the character right). Yes… there were signs.

But the biggest influence and the biggest sign that I was a gay kid was Big Jim and Big Josh: Gay Icons of the highest order. BJ and BJ (hmmmmm?) were ‘action dolls for boys’** like GI Joe. However, unlike GI Joe, they weren’t into the army, they were into the gym and traveling. They had lots of costumes… er, clothes and had a private jet, campers, cars, athletic equipment, gym equipment. It was like they were on a never ending mission to be ready for the White Party. Looking back, I’m surprised the box just say: “Hey Mom & Dad! Make your kid a homo, today!”

Just look at the pictures above. Ennis and Jack have got nothing on these two. Jim and his sculpted muscles—with nary a hair on his perfect chest. And Josh… so masculine, with that beard—you just know he’s a top… Unlike Ken, with his neutered genitalia, Jim and Josh came in permanent sexy red briefs… with a nice bulge and bubble butt you could bounce a dime off of.***

These guys rocked my world as a kid. I had the plane, the camper, and the jeep… Oh, the adventures they had! Thankfully, this was before puberty, because the adventures they could have had later would have shocked the world—especially my parents and their 1950’s suburban mentality.**** I can only imagine what I would do with them today***** and what my parents would say if they caught me:
"If it’s a dance, how come there are no women—and why isn’t anyone wearing a shirt?”
“Why is that one tied up like that?”
“So that’s where my clothes pins went…”
“How cute, the cowboy and Indian seem to be wrestling… and the cop, construction worker, sailor and Hell’s Angel fellow seem to be having a sing-a-long!”
“Where did you find such a tiny ball-gag?”

When my mom first asked the “why” question a decade ago, my first thought was to blame Jim and Josh, because they clearly influenced me, however, thanks to 60 Minutes, I now know that my being the youngest boy of four, it is my parent’s “fault” I am this way. What a wonderful gift! My question is, with my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary is next month, how do I wrap this?

*The ice bucket was supplied by my dad, something that was left off the original Playbill and has been bugging me for the last 35 years. Thanks, dad!

**Before “Action Figures” came along to butch it all up. They're still dolls, people.

***and I often did…

****Even though it was the 70’s, my parents lived in an Ozzie & Harriet world, where kids were respectful (and never used drugs) and no one ever had sex (because with the lights out and the door locked to mommy and daddy’s room, no one knew how the baby got into mommy’s tummy…)

*****Oh, and you knowI have…

Monday, March 13, 2006

Slobidon… Slabidon… Sluperdon… Suckaduck…

According to the Associated Press, “A Dutch toxicologist suggested Monday that Slobodan Milosevic may have taken an unprescribed drug to worsen his health so he could be released from jail and get medical attention in Russia, where his wife and son live in exile.”

Poor man… poor, poor man. That the man responsible for the “ethnic cleansing” of thousands of innocent men, women and children should die under questionable circumstances…

…if only it were a firing squad.

Was justice served? Probably not. Cosmic justice is pretty alright with this--not perfectly satisfied--but alright none-the-less.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Is There Nothing Teri Hatcher Can't Do?

Actress, sex-symbol, TV Star, and now crime solver, that Teri is one talented lady. This has the makings of a great TV show! Good thing she's not trying to get any publicity out of it, because that would be tacky...

Thursday, March 09, 2006

When Party Goes Before Country, We All Lose

Great editorial, I strongly suggest you read it... and if you're an American, I strongly suggest you get off your ass and contact your elected officials. Finally, get out there and vote and put an end to this madness.

Cav, my Official Straight Boyfriend has gone and gotten himself married! After 10 years of dating the same woman, he secretly tied the knot with his lady love, Sarah, on March 1st in Costa Rica.* I can only assume they had to go to Costa Rica because if they feared if they married in the U.S. I would show up and make a stink.

“Get your hands off my man!” I’d yell, and then there would be a tussle suitable for Dynasty. But, I’d never do that. I would just sob quietly in the back row…

So, now that my OSB has gone and gotten himself hitched, I’m currently in search of a nice heterosexual boy that can fill the role of my OSB. Traits include:
1) must be straight,
2) must be cute,
3) gay-friendly (but not gay),
4) good sense of humor (i.e. laughs at my jokes)
5) a real person (not a celebrity—I have an official Celebrity Straight Boyfriend) and
6) not married (so as to give me false hope).

If you know someone who fits the bill, please send a brief description and a picture (preferably shirtless). Since Cav is no longer my OSB I am forced to replace the numerous photos on display in his shrine… er, I mean in the OSB Hall of Fame.

Send potential entries to:

If/When we get a winner I’ll be sure to post and let the world know.

Oh, and Cav, if you’re reading this, this is your official notice you are being retired from the OSB—and ignore all that stuff about “shrine”…

*I wasn't sure if they wanted their fantastic wedding picture posted for both my readers to see, so I only posted Sarah's bouquet and a smidge of the sunset--but that's their pictue... well, Sarah's hand and bouquet anyway...

Monday, March 06, 2006

Chrismatica Takes it "Brokeback" Style

Three out of seven… how sad is that?

Oh, Chrismatica© how I failed you! I let my emotions get in the way and I didn’t predict the awards as much as I wished for those results. I got only Leading Actor, Animated Film and Director right. Let’s look at the one’s I missed and see what I need to change for future Oscars:

Best Picture:
Civil Rights is still important to the Academy, but racism is more important. Personally, I think most of the Academy was worried about their Lincoln Navigator being stolen they wanted to placate the Black Community into not stealing their SUVs.*

While I can’t deny Crash was excellent and a deserving picture, I think Brokeback was still the best picture (I guess I shouldn’t have weighted “Man-on-Man Loving” so heavily over “emotionally compelling ensemble.” My figures were way off

Supporting Actor:
But he’s so pretty…

I guess gaining 40 pounds will get a man an Oscar, too (I should have about 15!). I think the fact that he has slept with most of Hollywood helped up his votes. I’ll have to put that into the equation.

Supporting Actress:
Rachel did get the higher score, so Chrismatica was right—I just can’t get over The Mummy II, and I won’t ever.

I said it all last night, I’ll say it again: “Reese Witherspoon? WTF?” I just don’t get it. Reese, you just made my list. You and Nick Cage enjoy yourselves while I refuse to watch your movies EVER!

The Julia Roberts Effect has thrown me: “talent” and “performance” are less important than being perky and have an excellent PR group backing you? A nomination is one thing, but to actually win? It simply isn’t done in proper society… What happened to the good old days of Charlize and Hillary, where “ugly is acting”?

What I think happened was something so rarely used, it almost never gets talked about. I’m talking the Liz Taylor** Honorary Oscar: the Nuclear Option Pity Pill. The NOPP is used when the Academy knows that the actress is as close as she is ever going to get to an award and there is no hope of her ever being able to pull off a real acting challenge—so sacrificing the other nominees—who have talent and will be back, because this chick can’t cut it and they really like her.

*If Crash shows one thing it’s that everyone is prejudiced, so don’t be hatin’
** see “Butterfield 8”—on second thought, don’t… (I should note that Liz later proved to be quite a good actress—Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?—so all Reese needs to do now is gain about 60 lbs… she could even get another Oscar!)

Sunday, March 05, 2006

You Have GOT to Be Kidding Me...

More on the Oscars later (and Chrismatica's disasterous results), but I stand by the title to this post.

Friday, March 03, 2006

I'm not saying I'm surprised, but I am

You Are 80% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care.Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.
And the Weiner is...

It’s a heady time for Chrismatica©, my patented* mathematical formula for picking Oscar™ winners. For two years running, I have a 100% accuracy in picking the top six categories.

The nominees have been carefully scrutinized, the numbers have been crunched, awards shows have been watched… and the results are in!

REMEMBER:Bet at your own risk. Chrismatica©, its parent company and subsidiaries are not responsible for any losses. However, if you win based on my predictions, feel free to kick down a few bucks.

And the Oscar™ goes to…

Terrence Howard – HUSTLE & FLOW. Who?
Joaquin Phoenix – WALK THE LINE. Johnny Cash hasn’t been dead long enough for us to realize that you didn’t do as good of a job impersonating a famous singer as Jamie Foxx did last year with Ray Charles.
David Strathairn – GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK. The title of the film says it all about his chances of winning.
Heath Ledger – BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. An amazing performance, Heath’s best to date… but he’s made a LOT of crappy movies (TEN THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU, A KNIGHT’S TALE to name two). One great performance does not an Oscar make (unless it’s for a Supporting Role, then it’s a lock).
Philip Seymour Hoffman – CAPOTE Played a real person, did an amazing job, told a compelling story and is arguably the finest actor of his generation. He is consistently great in everything he does. For this performance and his entire body of work: ‘Answered Prayers,’ indeed.

(This was a tight race with a spread of 12 points between the highest and lowest score)
George Clooney – SYRIANA He gained 40 pounds for the role (that is considered “acting” by many), but he’s still too darn pretty…
Matt Dillon – CRASH Hey, it’s the guy from LITTLE DARLINGS! I’d say that he’s got it locked, but he also made HERBIE: FULLY LOADED this year and even I can’t forgive that…
William Hurt – A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE Is he still acting? More importantly, is he still dating Marlee Matlin? I don’t think anyone saw this movie. (Side note: my cousin used to date him… which still doesn’t improve his chances of winning, I’m just sayin’…)
Jake Gyllenhaal – BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN Here’s a guy who deserves an Oscar. Not necessarily for this role, but his body of work is amazingly solid for someone so young: DONNIE DARKO, OCTOBER SKY, and JARHEAD were all great performances. Then again he did make THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW and that was just wrong… (plus, too many people think he’s the guy from SPIDER MAN).
Paul Giamatti – CINDERELLA MAN No one saw this movie, but everyone remembers his performance in SIDEWAYS that didn’t even garner a nomination (he would have beating Foxx, his performance was that good). Now is the Academy’s turn to make it up to him, which is what the supporting category really seems to be about.

Judi Dench – MRS. HENDERSON PRESENTS She is British, which always bumps up a score, but Keira Knightley is too, so Dame Judi gets no points for that. Plus, she won for SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE and she was only on screen for 8 minutes total. She’s got to act another 120 minutes of brilliant work to make up for that. Plus, did anyone see this film?
Keira Knightley – PRIDE & PREJUDICE British actress in a Jane Austin novel… how many times can we go to this well? I didn’t think it was possible to get negative points…
Charlize Theron NORTHCOUNTRY Ugly points usually score big, but didn’t she just win an Oscar for doing that (MONSTER)? Different girl, different well, same result…
Reese Witherspoon – WALK THE LINE Perky actress is now a serious actress! Good for her.
Felicity Huffman – TRANSAMERICA Actually, Felicity and Reese tied, but I’m pulling for Felicity: she’s doing the drag/ugly thing and the Academy LOVES that. Plus, she gives great acceptance speeches…

Amy Adams – JUNEBUG Who?
Catherine Keener – CAPOTE [see Amy Adams]
Frances McDormand – NORTH COUNTRY Who doesn’t love Frances? However, she has won before and few people saw this movie.
Rachel Weisz – THE CONSTANT GARDENER Technically, Rachel received a higher score than Michelle (dying in the film provides HUGE numbers), but I still can’t forgive her for THE MUMMY II…
Michelle Williams – BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN The Academy loves it when beautiful goes ugly, or in this case, “Plane Jane.” But her sublime performance in Brokeback was so real and so heartbreaking, that it is unforgettable—I’m betting the Academy will feel the same way.

Remember when Tim Burton made good movies? Must be a slow year for animated films (what, no CHICKEN LITTLE?”)
HOWL'S MOVING CASTLE The director won before… I’m still not sure why. I’m even more at a loss as to why this was nominated. This appears to be one of those I-don’t-understand-it-and-I’m-afraid-that-makes-me-look-stupid-so-I’ll-pretend-I-get-it-and-nominate-it things. Just because it’s a foreign film doesn’t make it good (do you hear that Pedro Almodóvar?)
WALLACE & GROMIT IN THE CURSE OF THE WERE-RABBIT Forget about the cheese Gromit, you and Wallace are getting the gold. Tim Burton must be embarrassed to have CORPSE BRIDE up against such a fantastic film. Two Oscar winning shorts by the same creative team will win out.

[See Brokeback]
CRASH [See Brokeback]
GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK. That George Clooney sure is pretty, isn’t he? Also see Brokeback…MUNICH Steven returns to his favorite well again… good film, but not good enough.
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN It’s all Ang Lee—he won the Director’s Guild Award, and only on extremely rare occasions does that deviate. If you bet on one category, this is the one.

Three “base on a true story” plotlines does not bode well for these guys…
CRASH Has gotten some major play in the last few weeks… sadly, balloting closed for the Academy two weeks ago. In fact, I didn’t even put that in my calculations.
BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN It is Brokeback’s award to lose.

*patent pending… (when I get around to applying for it).
** As well as Best Animated Film, but no one would refer to that as a “top category”

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Bad Friend..

Man, I suck as a friend... and not in a good way: Yesterday, March 1, was my friend Jill's birthday. I remembered in the morning while getting my coffee, but from the lounge to my desk, a shiny object must have appeared because I didn't remember again until this morning in the shower.*

I'm horrible about other people's birthdays. I expect them all to remember mine, but I constantly forget friend's birthdays until 3 or 4 days after the date. Last year I really screwed up with Scotty and actually spoke to him on his birthday, but didn't remember his birthday until days after.

So, Jill, my humble apologies. I sent her an email this morning,** but—hopefully—a public shaming will help. If not, the picture of Jodie Foster should make things alright (Jillybean loves the Jodster).

*Not sure why... we're close, but not that close.
**I think I spelled apology wrong in the email (four times)***--does that negate the apology?

***I'm consitent with my stupidity.