Slap & Tickle

Chrismatica Takes it "Brokeback" Style


Three out of seven… how sad is that?

Oh, Chrismatica© how I failed you! I let my emotions get in the way and I didn’t predict the awards as much as I wished for those results. I got only Leading Actor, Animated Film and Director right. Let’s look at the one’s I missed and see what I need to change for future Oscars:


Best Picture:
Civil Rights is still important to the Academy, but racism is more important. Personally, I think most of the Academy was worried about their Lincoln Navigator being stolen they wanted to placate the Black Community into not stealing their SUVs.*

While I can’t deny Crash was excellent and a deserving picture, I think Brokeback was still the best picture (I guess I shouldn’t have weighted “Man-on-Man Loving” so heavily over “emotionally compelling ensemble.” My figures were way off


Supporting Actor:
But he’s so pretty…

I guess gaining 40 pounds will get a man an Oscar, too (I should have about 15!). I think the fact that he has slept with most of Hollywood helped up his votes. I’ll have to put that into the equation.


Supporting Actress:
Rachel did get the higher score, so Chrismatica was right—I just can’t get over The Mummy II, and I won’t ever.


Actress:
I said it all last night, I’ll say it again: “Reese Witherspoon? WTF?” I just don’t get it. Reese, you just made my list. You and Nick Cage enjoy yourselves while I refuse to watch your movies EVER!

The Julia Roberts Effect has thrown me: “talent” and “performance” are less important than being perky and have an excellent PR group backing you? A nomination is one thing, but to actually win? It simply isn’t done in proper society… What happened to the good old days of Charlize and Hillary, where “ugly is acting”?

What I think happened was something so rarely used, it almost never gets talked about. I’m talking the Liz Taylor** Honorary Oscar: the Nuclear Option Pity Pill. The NOPP is used when the Academy knows that the actress is as close as she is ever going to get to an award and there is no hope of her ever being able to pull off a real acting challenge—so sacrificing the other nominees—who have talent and will be back, because this chick can’t cut it and they really like her.





*If Crash shows one thing it’s that everyone is prejudiced, so don’t be hatin’
** see “Butterfield 8”—on second thought, don’t… (I should note that Liz later proved to be quite a good actress—Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?—so all Reese needs to do now is gain about 60 lbs… she could even get another Oscar!)