Friday, March 21, 2003

A Sad Day in the Neighborhood:
Tragedy struck Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood recently as Fred Rogers passed at the age of 74. The official cause of death was stomach cancer, although most of us know better: that bitch, Lady Elaine put a hit out on him. Oh, sure, you may say I am heartless to bring up such a subject at this time. I should be more respectful, I should show compassion for all the joy and self-worth that he gave to kids. I loved Fred as well. I learned a lot from him. I made many a journey on Trolley to the Land of Make-Believe, so I must speak out at the injustice of it all.

The monarchy of King Friday XIII has always been a bit shaky. Queen Sarah always seemed to be looking to other monarchies to emulate and Prince Tuesday seemed all-too-ready to try and take the crown. Mister Rogers always brokered the peace in the neighborhood. He fought for unilateral disarmament between Friday and X the Owl. X, with his constant studying at correspondence school, thought himself superior and wanted to prove it to the world. It was only with Mister Rogers sitting down with Friday and Owl, that things got settled…

…until Owl got “sprayed” in the middle of the night.

Everyone suspected Henrietta Pussycat, but with her being so quiet and unassuming, who would put such an innocent pussycat up to such a task? None other than Lady Elaine!

S&T has obtained shocking documents pointing to Elaine as the silent money for ‘Operation Castle Keep.’ Elaine, knowing that she was never going to get the throne legitimately, used underhanded and devious tactics to overthrow Friday. Using drugs, sex, money and an advanced knowledge of puppetry, Elaine’s dastardly plan came to fruition.

Most shocking, Queen Sarah, Elaine’s part-time lover, was also involved. Few involved will even talk to our reporters. Only our "confidential source,' whom we call Deep Pussy would speak, saying, “Meow, meow, kitty, meow, meow, follow the money and you’ll find that meow, meow bitch Elaine is behind it all, meow, meow.”

Rogers’ death is not the first to happen in Make-Believe. Sources indicate that a number of Elaine’s victims were “spun to death” in her “spinning house of pain”: The Carousel. Shouts of “How do you FEEL?!” could be heard coming from the round multi-colored column abode. Pressed for comment, Elaine simply stated, “Look, toots, I got nothin’ to say.”

A spokesman for The Children’s Television Workshop (CTW), at nearby Sesame Street said only that they had heard the rumors of the killings, but they were trying to remain uninvolved. That was, until Speedy Delivery Man was found dead on ‘The Street,’ of an apparent cocaine overdose, next to a 15 year-old muppet prostitute.

A spokesperson for CTW, stated that they were indeed concerned with the goings on in Rogers’ Neighborhood, but they do not discuss any active cases. Inspector Snuffalufogus stated that there are leads and they hope to make an arrest soon, but that the Land of Make-Believe is a monarchy and added soulfully that “It’s Chinatown all over again.”

Rumor around the Neighborhood was that Picture-Picture had a video of the killings, but Rogers’ home was ransacked and Picture-Picture was stolen. A monetary reward and a new pair of sneakers are offered to anyone who can provide information for the safe return of Picture-Picture.

Only two others, who have critical knowledge of the incidents leading up to the death of Mr. Rogers, are available for comment: Trolley and Daniel Tiger. Unfortunately, the only person who could understand Trolley, was Mister Rogers…

…and everyone knows that Daniel is too shy to talk.