Sunday, July 30, 2006

People Need to Be Told This?

Apparently, they do. (Kudos to whoever came up with the title of this website...)

Ciao, For Now…

Today I went to Becky and Joe Robbins’ going away party in Concord (not a drive I would make for just anyone) and had a really nice time. They could not be any cuter—Italy is getting a wonderful couple.

I was a little worried when they said they were going to move to Italy. I am not sure if it is because I am envious, or was unsure if this was a good idea. But when Becky described the process she went through and how everything kept falling into place for them, I knew this was destined for them.

Their house is sold, they have their Italian citizenship and they are on their way. I wish them well on their journey and hope that life in Italy brings them great joy.

Arrivederci i miei amici, fino a che non veniamo a contatto di ancora.

Friday, July 28, 2006

I Am Shocked!

Did you see the shocking cover of People Magazine this week?! I like to think of myself as keeping up to date on celebrity issues, but this just knocked me for a loop. Can you believe it? I mean, who would have thought?

I’m not talking about Lance Bass—I think Lance was the only one who did not think he was gay…

I am talking about the much more shocking item to the lower right:

Colin Farrell is sober?! What the hell is up with that? A Colin Farrell sober world is a world I want no part of. My only chance of ever getting Colin naked was if he were blind-stinking drunk.*

I stand no chance of ever getting a 10. My only chance is if a 10 gets so incredibly drunk he does not know he is hitting well below his league… and by then, it is too late for him (but so much the better for me).

So, I will have to scratch Colin Farrell off my Potential Lays if They’re Incredibly Drunk list. Now I have to work on getting Josh Hartnett to start drinking heavily… and I should send some wine to Ashton Kutcher as well.

*Naturally, I would bathe him before licking him up and down and up and down, because cigarettes, b.o. and booze do not make for a fun smell.

Are You Shitting Me?

Big news from St. Paul, MN: they found an intact wooden toilette!! Oh, the joy. Can you smell the history? (I smell something and it ain't history.)

The part that made me laugh out loud (LOL for you IM'ers) was it was found at the "B&M Furniture Company". I had to look at the date to make sure that it was not posted on April Fools...

(And yes, I have been enjoying Wikipedia, why do you ask?)

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

We're Having a Heatwave...
...A Tropical Heatwave...

Oh. My. God. I thought I was going to die over the last few days--temperatures have been in the 100's and we Northern Californians are just not cut out for that Southern California weather. They shut down the chilled water to our A/C at work and it was 85 in the building when I walked in Monday morning.

I think the biggest problem was that there was no wind at all. It was just hot and still. Nasty stuff. I would open windows at night but there was no air movement--even with fans running all over the house, the second you were away from the fan you melted. Seriously, my poor sister is just a pool in the front entry way. I thought about sopping her up with a towel, but it was too hot.

Thankfully, a marine layer came in (i.e. fog) and it dropped about 20 degrees today--they even allowed our building access to the chilled water so by the end of the day, the temperature in the building was tolerable. Oh, lucky us.

However, another heat wave is expected next week.

We're having a heat wave,
A tropical heat wave,
The temperature's rising,I
t isn't surprising,
She certainly can can-can.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

It’s Official! Anderson Cooper is Gay

There is an interesting New York Magazine article on Anderson Cooper, that little hottie from The Mole (and subsequently work on CNN covering hurricanes and other weather/vox populi items). In the article Anderson is asked the question about whether or not he is gay?

Anderson’s answer was a resounding “YES!” Well, actually, he disguised it, but it was a “yes” none-the-less. Anderson’s answer was “You know, I understand why people might be interested. But I just don’t talk about my personal life.”

It’s a yes or no question. “Yes, I am gay,” or “No, I am not gay.” Why would anyone hesitate in saying that they are not gay? How many straight-closeted individuals are there in the world? They must really be good at hiding, because I can not think of one in history. Anderson did not answer “no.”

So, when Anderson answered “I just don’t talk about my personal life,” he’s saying, “yes, I’m gay, but I got a career and the idiots in the red states don’t want their news coming from some prematurely gray gay hottie.”

Of course, this could all be solved by bringing out the old girlfriends. No one that privileged, educated, good-looking and successful could go through life without hooking up with a number of women along the way. Where are the old girlfriends? Let’s check his book Dispatches from the Edge, shall we?

Brother’s suicide… check
Dad’s death… check
Mother…. check, check
Lost soul-trying-to-find-way-bullshit…check
A mention of a girlfriend anywhere in the book… NADA!

Okay… who is he currently dating? [Crickets chirping…] Yep, that’s a big: no one. More important, there are no rumors about Anderson being seen with a woman. Nothing. You would think he would make an effort… Soledad O'Brien is single—wouldn’t they make a cute couple?

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe Coop is a happy straight guy who just does not have sex with anyone. Then again, maybe he’s banging Julio Cesar Recio, the “Julio” he thanked for “his support and calm counsel” in Dispatches. But that is just a rumor that I read about here, here, here, here and here.

And here’s a picture of Julio, which, I’m sure, means nothing…

...except he’s gay.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Michele’s Grand Adventure

Remember my hysterically funny friend Michele? If you don’t you’re not reading enough… Anyway, she has started a blog about her moving to Norway after living in San Francisco for most of her adult life.

She is a terrific writer and an absolute riot—I think you will enjoy it. Go on… go get your Norway on at Michele’s My Grand Adventure blog, you won’t be sorry.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Bush Veto

Dear Mr. President,

Let me see if I get this… You think that fertilized eggs—used for in vitro fertilization, that would otherwise be thrown out—should not be used for research because that is “murder”? But, sending 2500 American soldiers to their deaths for a war you pretty much pulled out of your ass is…? What? If not "murder", then "wreckless idiocy" certainly would apply.

First, you were a joke, then you were dangerous, now you’re a dangerous joke. How I long for the days when the worst thing our president had was a stained dress from a fat girl, with approval ratings and the economy flying high.

For a Christian, you suck. You say you "know Christ," but I spoke to him last week and he said, "I don't even know that dude!"

Why don't you go do something useful like eat a bowl of pretzels or go hunting with Dick Cheney...

PS: You're a total douche...
A Tale of Two Babies, Several Secrets and One Click

This is the story of two of my friends who both have adopted baby girls.

Dude* adopted a baby girl from somewhere in the red states in December. I got progress reports as the date of delivery neared and then several emails right about the time the baby was born. Now I get occasional emails with pictures giving updates on the adoption process and the state of the family. The child is adorable and they are just the perfect little family…


Chick** also adopted a child recently. My friends and I heard she and her husband were attempting to adopt a few years ago and I thought I heard that they were getting a baby last summer. Then I got a notice in the spring noting that the baby had been born in September and they would be picking her up “sometime this summer.” And that was the last I heard on the matter—I have no idea when they were picking up the baby or getting back. When I inquired about a baby shower, I was told that Chick specifically requested not to have one.

The other day I heard that Chick was “disappointed” by the lack of enthusiasm from her friends and that no one had contacted her about the baby. Wha…?

Chick has a very tight close group of friends she shares things with (Chick’s Click) and the rest of us get our information from Chick’s Click. If Das Click does not say anything, then we do not know anything. Pretty simple, no?

Add to that the fact that Das Click is tight lipped (Yes, it’s a TLCC: a Tight Lipped Chick Click). Recently, one of Chick’s Click mentioned that she knew the name of “The Baby” but was “sworn to secrecy.” Is the name that bad or are they looking to copyright it out of fear someone will steal the name? Chick’s Click likes the fact that “they are in the know” and will say they “know something but can’t tell.” Then why say anything at all?

Let’s recap:
—No notification except to Click
—Click that keeps “secrets” really well
—Refusal to have a baby shower…
—Yet she is pissed we are not excited about “The Baby”? How can I be excited about something I know nothing about? Guess what? I am really excited about August 31—but I can’t tell you why or what is going to happen, but you are excited, right? Of course not.

Frankly, I consider this bad parenting. It is the parents job to cram pictures and information about “the most adorable child in the world” while their friends feign interest—it’s all in the job description.

As friends, our job is to be as excited as the parents (many times even when we aren’t…) why? It’s in our job description… As a parent, you are the child’s PR agent. I will not know if your kid is walking until the parent tells me (or the kid walks up to me—hopefully, with a cocktail in hand). These kids will never call me (unless they get a DUI in college and is too scared to call their dad and is hoping I will bail them out***—otherwise, it is all up to mom and dad to let me know how the kid is doing. How did Chick manage to reach the age of 44 and not get this information?

A friend of mine has over 2000 pictures of his 10 month old on his website… 2000! Who needs that many pictures of their child? I doubt a moment of that kid’s life is not fully documented. But that is the job of the parent. There is no child as wonderful, smart, adorable, kind, giving, funny, or as original as your child. You are to torture your friends ad nauseam with these facts and we are to smile and coo and agree and be grateful to bask in the presence of your child.

My rant aside, I love hearing information about my friend’s kids. I do not have any, so I can live vicariously through them. The wall in my office is covered with pictures of kids from friends, faculty and co-workers—proud parents all. And when they tell me of colic, tantrums and unfortunate potty training incidents, I can tell them how sorry I am for them and thank God it is not me…

I still have not heard from Chick that they are home, or even what the baby’s name is. However, through a friend, someone told me the baby’s name. I would tell you, but it is a secret…

Addendum: I am supposed to see Chick tonight… if she does not bring the kid or have pictures of said child, I am officially referring to that child as “Suri”. (7/21/06)

Addendum to the Addendum: Chick never showed that evening... left a voicemail stating that "she" (the baby) would go off "her" schedule and that "she" can get pretty cranky and throw Chick and her husband's schedule off. She never mentioned the kid's name. I am officially referring to the child as Suri. And I am yet again expecting to see Chick this weekend, so this may all change... we shall see (8/4/06)

*Not his real name, although I constantly call him that, so it's close enough.
**Oddly enough, that is her name… (I kid. It’s not. Seriously, it’s not… it’s another Chick you’re thinking of…)
***Which I will totally do. What can I say? It’s in the job description…

Monday, July 17, 2006

Come Join My Birthday Pity Party!

Today is my birthday... I'm 42. Good Lord, I was hoping for so much more by this age. When I was a kid, I used to think of what I would be like when I was older. I turned 36 in the year 2000 and that was sort of the benchmark for me growing up: "What will I be like at 36?"

I thought I'd be married (ha!--remember, I was a kid...) and that I'd have a really cool job like, oh, managing an office at some cool company like IBM, or something. Yeah, that was the dream... (remember, it was the 70's and that was a cool dream. I never said it was a GROOVY dream, just a cool one--I was raised by Republicans, so my view of the world is skewed.)

And my birthday's would be these wild and fun celebrations and all my (hundreds) of friends would be there--it would be wild.

It all flashed on me in the middle of my SafeServ sanitation class tonight as I was trying to stay awake--it's interesting, but I'm tired.* There I was, single me sitting in a class wondering what turn did I make that brought me here? Sure, I feel my life is finally on track again, but when the fuck did it get so off track?

Needless to say, there was no surprise party or any other such "event" for my birthday... Oh, poor me--Lebanon is in ruins, Israel is attacking everyone, Iraq could not be any closer to a civil war if Abe Lincoln were president and I'm feeling sorry for myself. At least I have my sense of perspective: it's all about me!

Or, it could be because, in my state of self pity I came home, opened up a bottle of my delicious** bottle of Limocello and, after two glasses, I am feeling no pain. Happy birthday to me, indeed!

*No, really, it is interesting. You're reading about a man who, after taking this class, will never again eat ground beef, never go to a fast-food restaurant, and will never look at an egg the same way again. But, you... you go on and enjoy your meal. I'll just prepare for your inevitable doom....

**If I do say so myself--and I do. Damn, this shit is g-o-o-o-d! Mmmmm... lemony-alcohol.

My friends Becky and Joe Robbins are leaving California after ten years and moving to Italy. Italy. Friggin’ Italy.

I’m not sure if I wrote about them before, but they are an adorable couple that I have known for almost eight years. Becky and I used to work together when I first started here and we have kept in touch over the years.

She and her husband, Joe (what a cutie) have a painting business in Concord (the SF Bay Area) and through that they got on the Home & Garden TV show Landscape Smart this year. I guess business has been good because they recently made the decision to move to Italy. It seems that all my friends are moving to Europe! I guess there are worse places to live (like Concord).

They are moving to Sestri Levante on the Mediterranean coast of Italy. As I find out what they intend to do for a living in Italy, I will let you know and if you are so inclined to visit the lovely city of Sestri Levante, you can look them up.

It is a strange thing with friends, when they live close, you do not have to see each other all the time and that is okay. However, the second they move far away, you miss them all the time...

In the meantime, check out the picture above and enjoy the view…

Friday, July 14, 2006

Unfortunate Surprise!

Far be it from me to be an expert on what is sexy… although, I am an expert on porn: lovely, wonderful, filthy, dirty porn. However, today I was perusing a wonderful site (full of lovely images of wonderful men doing filthy things, making me feel deliciously dirty) and I came across this picture:

I mean, honestly…. THAT is sexy? No, no my friends. That is desperation! That is not lovely, wonderful, filthy or dirty… that is just freaky-weird is what that is. What the hell did the photographer say to him?

“Okay, Ed* I want you to give me your sexiest turn… and when you do—surprise me!”

I’m sure the photographer was surprised at that… who wouldn’t be? I’m positive that he was so surprised he ran out of the studio screaming. Yet, it managed to make it onto a porn site. There were hundreds (thousands?) of pictures on this site, one hot, hunky man after another… and then “Surprise!”

Who was the genius that thought this needed to be included on the site? Did they only have 49,999 pictures and needed just one more to put them over the top? Do they buy pictures in bulk and this was just snuck in?

What must his friends think?
“Hey, Ed** nice pictures of you on that porn site… but that one…”
“Which one?” Ed*** asks incredulously.
“Surprise!” another friend chimes in sarcastically.
Ed looks down, dejected, “He said to surprise him…”
“Sweetie,” his fag hag friend says stroking his shoulder (but not really wanting to touch him because she’s finally over this whole fag-hag thing and wants to find a guy she can have a real relationship with—sex, damnit! She wants sex!), “that’s not surprise—that’s more of an attack…”
“Closer to molestation…” added another friend, not being helpful in the least.

Anyhow, I’m sure Ed (but really Jim) is really embarrassed about the whole thing, but it’s out there, you know? The whole world is going to see his "surprise."

You know, if that weren’t bad enough, what most his mother think? You’re child poses nude… where did you go wrong? Your child poses nude for a gay website… who’s to blame? (Father? Cousin? Neighbor? Priest?) Your child does a poses nude and looks like that? Now that is an unfortunate surprise.

*I’m sure that’s not his real name. His real name is probably Dick but that wouldn’t be right for a porn star, would it?

**Still not his real name…

***You got this, right? I don’t have to keep telling you, right? (By the way... his real name is Jim, don't ask me how I know...)

Monday, July 10, 2006

Does This Make Me a 'Girl-Drink Drunk'?

You Are an Appletini
Most of the time, you're a typical party guy. But when you get super sauced, you really up your sex appeal.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Last Dance, Last Chance…

Culinary school begins next week, so my last hurrah going out on a Sunday was last night. Since today is a semi-holiday (it’s Fourth of July Eve!), I could stay out really late and have some great fun.*

I called my buddy Scotty (not to be confused with Scooter—two different Scotts… and neither is Scottish—interesting, no?**) Scotty tends to be a bit more shy and I make attempts to get him to come out of his shell and join in the big gay fun.

Oddly enough, I am secretly shy myself, so it is a fierce internal struggle to fake being confident and not to curl up in a ball in the corner of the bar. As I walk into any bar I have to make “deals” with myself: “Okay, two beers and you have to stay for at least an hour…” or “I will make myself talk to one person…” I’m sure it’s very attractive walking up to the bar, whispering to myself. Very, very attractive. With two outspoken blokes like us heading into a bar, only fun and happiness can ensue.

In my limited bar experience, I find that I spend most of my time just standing there, muttering to myself to go talk to guys who look over, see me muttering to myself and they run. Literally. They see me look over and take off in a full-on run. I spend a lot of times in bars standing by myself watching people race by.

We got ourselves worked up watching the Superman Returns, the new Superdude is pretty hot and Scotty was openly drooling over him through the whole movie. He kept muttering, “Oh my God!” practically every time the man from Krypton was on the screen. When Jor-El’s boy’s little outfit got ripped off, Scotty squealed. No shit. Girly squeal. People moved. No… they left, actually. Parents gathered their children and left. I felt like a leper… Since I was already an outcast, why not head over to the bar right away?

We get to the bar—located in beautiful downtown Oakland in what I am sure can only be described as the “crime-ridden underbelly district” of the city. We head upstairs and the bar is doing some brisk business. Immediately I am thinking with this many people, we are bound to meet (meat?) someone.

I order beers for Scotty and I—and I ask the cute bartender (the amazingly hot, buffed and perfectly hairy-chested Adrian) if the beer bust is going on (“All you can drink for $6!”) and he looks at me like I just asked him to put his shirt back on. Then he looks past me to Scotty and says, “Hi, I haven’t seen you before…” Adrian has never said that to me—even when I was new. Adrian and Scotty start chatting and the next thing you know, he offers Scotty (and I) the beer bust!

With drinks in hand, I saw a friend of a friend (who I mistakenly—and consistently—refer to as “Cole”), so I went over and said hello, chatted for a bit and went back to Scotty, who looked like an wounded tuna surrounded by sharks… they were literally circling. Every guy was checking out Scotty, the leper (“hello—me!”) was pretty much left alone. Scotty would walk up to the bar and Adrian would walk away from prepping some other guy’s drink to help him. Whenever I went up to the bar is when Adrian decided he needed to clean out the drains…

It went on like this all night long. To make matters worse, I was the designated driver, so I could not drown my sorrows in alcohol… delicious, mind-numbing, alcohol.

Cole, who has never spoken to me other than when prompted by his friends or when I make the first gesture, comes over to introduce himself. (I swear I showered and I can’t get any freakin’ love?!) “We’ll show you around,” Cole winked to Scotty. Thanks for not showing me around, Cole!

Scotty, shy-shy Scotty, was practically sprawled on the bar flirting with Adrian when I had finally had enough. The three guys around the bar that I had simultaneously been checking out all night*** had each found someone and were leaving—not one of them even looked in my direction… they all looked towards Scotty. I somehow thought they were looking at me from across the room, however, I achieved the one thing I longed for in locker rooms: I was invisible.

I walked up to Scotty and told him I was going to the bathroom and we would be leaving. Adrian gave me the look of death. I wanted to tell him to fuck off, but he was too cute. (damnit!)

When I came out of the bar, Adrian was out from behind the bar hugging Scotty goodbye. It was like the final scene of Casablanca. I can not say for certain, but Adrian quite possibly had tears in his eyes. They exchanged numbers and I am sure they will be happy.

A little hungry and probably a teeny bit drunk we decided to drive over to Taco Bell (I said I was the designated driver, I did not say I was a good one). One bite of my Burrito Supreme and it exploded down my shirt. That shit is hot! I dropped Scotty off at his place and drove home reeking of ‘supreme sauce’ (and not the good kind, if you know what I mean… Eww. Even I found that offensive).

So my last chance at getting some lovin’ (or a good grope) until I am out of school next year is gone. On the plus side, being as invisible as I was last night, when I go back, Adrian will think I am new!

*Meaning: I could get laid and not worry about getting up in the morning.
**I didn’t think so, but it never hurts to ask...
***There are always three:
Number 1: The guy I really, really want, but could never get
Number 2: The guy I think is adorable, but will most likely end up with number one, or someone that is wrong I am blinded.
Number 3: The guy I am most likely to get. (I should take this opportunity to note that in New Orleans, I managed to get my Number 1 choice TWICE! I fucking love New Orleans…)