Friday, February 29, 2008

Prince Hottie

Is it just me or has Prince Harry usurped William as the hot Windsor? His impending baldness not withstanding, William has always been the cute one, while Harry was… well, “Ginger-haired.”

I guess it’s the whole butch-military thing that’s steaming my beans. Yeah, I love a man in uniform (who doesn’t? Seriously, who doesn’t?), but this guy is royalty; heir to the throne. (Well, not exactly heir… third in line, but he’s a ski or polo accident away from being direct in line. Certainly closer than any of us.)

Yet, even in his dress uniform he now “out-hots” brother William.

Maybe it’s the rebel aspect: blue-blood willing to get his hands dirty. Yeah, put him in field dress, cover him with dirt and put a few battles under his belt and I’m weak in the knees. Is that why I loved Andrew so much (back in the 80’s… Helicopter Pilot, Falkland War, hottie, third in line for the throne… again with the third).

And now he’s coming home—thank you douche bag Matt Drudge for fucking up yet another person’s life—and we’ll get to regale in all his studliness.
And anything else he might want to share with us…

Let him share that!

Thursday, February 28, 2008

No Title (can't think of anything clever other than Bush Sucks Ass!)

President Bush said Thursday that the country is not headed into a recession. He also said there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, that the war in Iraq was going well, that we weren’t spying on Americans, Iraq was directly linked to Al Qaeda, the war wouldn’t last long, the war would cost only about $2 billion…

…ladies and gentlemen, that means we are in a f**king recession! I should be ranting and raving about this, but I can’t. Because two more important items came across my computer this morning. First, a spoiler* called "Spoilt":

The guy who came up with this t-shirt is a fricken genius! I love it. I only had trouble figuring out one of them. Quite a deal at $15… sadly, it’s sold out.

I licked my wounds by purchasing the 40th Anniversary Edition of “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?” which was released this week! “Dinner” is one of my all-time favorite movies: great story, brilliant cast, and Hepburn & Tracy’s last, he died just 17 days after filming ended.

Tracy’s amazing 8-minute monologue of the power of love—a great source of pride for him that he did not miss a single line during the filming—is one of the best in film history. Not only is he speaking as Matt Drayton, but also for his relationship to Katherine Hepburn. “The only thing that matters is what they feel, and how much they feel, for each other. And if it's half of what we felt- that's everything.”

Katherine won her second Oscar** for the role of Christina Drayton. Well deserved as she gives a wonderful performance. Her dismissal of her assistant is one of my favorites, ending with, “Don’t speak—just go!”

It’s a bit dated and, looking back, it’s hard to imagine the world was that backwards—in some places it still is—but it is still an amazing movie and a joy to watch.

*If you’re pissed that it ruined something for you, you really should get out more…

**She won her third Oscar the next year (The Lion in Winter), when she died in 2003, she had four Oscars from her 12 nominations. A
record that won’t be broken anytime soon.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Another Parody

I'm a little embarrassed that S&T is rapidly become nothing more than a repository for other people's work. But fuck it, I think this is actually pretty clever (unlike the painful "I'm f'ing Bill Clinton" parody of the Jimmy Kimmel videos). I bet Be Kind Rewind would be this funny... if it were this short.

God Bless the Internets

If yesterday’s blog about Jimmy Kimmel f’ing Ben Affleck wasn’t fabulous enough, the wonderful instantaneous world of the internet has provided us with the infamous bumper sticker on Harrison Ford’s convertible.

Bought the bumper sticker, bought the t-shirt. I’m a happy, happy man.

Whether you’re for Team Affleck or Team Damon, there is a t-shirt and bumper sticker for you! Oh, Café Press, is there nothing you can’t do?

Monday, February 25, 2008


So, I’m “busy” at work, and I stumble across the Toys R Us site… I start clicking around and I found some of the strangest items. Not sure why anyone would buy them… or make them, for that matter.

We begin—as with all things disturbing—with Hello Kitty:
Nothing says “delicious breakfast” better than having your toast improperly cooked. Yes, the edges are burned, the middle is under-toasted, and your child is crying before she’s even out of her pjs. Nice going, Mom…

Kids love surgery as much as they love ogres, so let’s put them together! Actual marketing quote: “…lets you have a great time performing "surgery" on Shrek's face and mouth.”

Lord have mercy! I’m sure this is very popular at Michael Jackson’s house: “Go on, Blanket, cut off the nasty nose! Get it! Get it!” You want kids to operate on someone’s head? You’re quite a parent there, Mr. Dahmer—and your boy Jeffrey certainly is busy with his toys, isn’t he?
And what's coming out of his nose?

If that wasn't freaky enough, then what the f*ck is this?

Seriously. What. The. F*ck? First, it’s ass ugly. Second, if you hold it up to your ear, where do you talk? That’s right: the crotch. Nice.

Billy not getting beat up enough at school? Here’s the solution:

Talk about imagination at work! No one wants to have to go through all the stress of dressing up for halloween. No, just put on this and you're golden. I'm serious when I say the neighbors will all be convinced your child is mentally challenged. And they won't be far off.
Crimeny… at least give your kid a fighting chance. I should note that this comes with a “secret pocket.” I do not want to know what’s in there.

This last one I call "Scheissen Robin".

Is it just me, or does Robin—squatting Robin with his foot on the guy’s neck—look like he’s about to drop a Cleveland Steamer on the poor guy climbing out of the sewer? Someone is taking their aggressions out after being abused by a mysterious caped-crusader for way too long. I’m sure your child will remember this gift fondly as he’s being flogged on a St. Andrew’s Cross at a future Folsom Street Fair.
And the Oscar Went to…

Oscar de la Hoya... get it?

Chrismatica© my-not-really-patented-but-I’m-pretending-it-is Oscar predicting mathematical formula was once again triumphant in predicting the results of the 80th Academy Awards, with 66.6% accuracy—narrowly missing last year’s result of 100%.*

Performance by an actor in a leading role
Daniel Day-Lewis in "There Will Be Blood" Called it!

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
Javier Bardem in "No Country for Old Men" Called it!

Performance by an actress in a leading role
Marion Cotillard in "La Vie en Rose" WTF?! So… lipsyinc’ing is acting now… okay, then. Duly noted. I think I weighed the biopic too low and Julie Christie’s previous win too high. Adjustments to the formula have been made.

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
Tilda Swinton in "Michael Clayton" WTF?! I guess they felt guilty for not nominating her for Orlando or The Deep End… still, I’m stumped.

Best animated feature film of the year
"Ratatouille" D'Oh!Okay, I totally missed this one… but it deserved to win, so I’m not upset.

Achievement in directing
"No Country for Old Men" Joel Coen and Ethan Coen Called it!

Best motion picture of the year
"No Country for Old Men" Called it!

Original screenplay
No Country for Old Men Called it!**

Adapted screenplay
Juno Called it!***

*Using the Bush/FOX “News” scale of accuracy. If Iraq can be labeled a “success” and Bush as “competent,” then a 33.3% miss is certainly accurate.

**I left this off the sheet I sent out… but I put it on my ballot at an Oscar party (and got it right), so I’m including it.

Jimmy Kimmel Responds

Jimmy Kimmel has responded to Sarah Silverman’s birthday video “I’m Fucking Matt Damon” to boyfriend Jimmy. His video, “I’m Fucking Ben Affleck” starts off okay and quickly descends into the juvenile—and then becomes absolutely hysterical. While they do bleep, it might not be safe for work (oh, go on... live a little!):

If you haven’t seen the original, it’s here:

Thursday, February 21, 2008

“Not to Mention the Hypotenuse…”

I saw this over at Are You There, Blog? It’s Me, Stephen. I have been over James Blunt for a while… but this interpretation of “You’re Beautiful” is lovely. This is why Sesame Street is still great.

“…and if you’re not careful, you just might learn something.”
--Bill Cosby

Are You There God?

OOOH! Get Her!

Shlomo “The Schmuck-o” Benizri, an ultra-Orthodox Jewish member of the Knesset, believes that homosexuality causes earthquakes. Yes, this bribe-taking politician is pointing his finger at gays for causing earthquakes.

Again, I am forced to reiterate my position on God and Natural Disasters: If God so hated gays, gambling, sex, decadence, etc. then why is Las Vegas still here? Seems to me that an awful lot of nasty stuff happens in Israel every year—God seems to allow that to happen on a pretty regular basis… daily, even.

On the Religious Nuts-o Meter, this puts Schmuck-o almost at the level of those douche bags at Westboro Baptist Church in Kansas (where else?). I say almost, because when contacted about the comments from the ultra-Orthodox Jew Benizri, the Christianazi spokesperson Shirley Phelps-Roper stated, "God bless his little God-hating heart." Even united in their hatred of the gays, that c*nt can’t let go of her hatred of the Jews!

I think I have the solution: All we need to do is step back a bit and let them kill each other. However, we need to pull the bright light off of us, so they can start looking around for their next target. Okay… so first, we have to come up with some sort of “cure” for being gay. No, not really. Just say there is a cure. They believe in that ex-gay crap, they’ll buy a cure in a pill form. We only have to fake it for about a week because you know they will go after each other in a heartbeat. Afterwards, we’ll throw a FABulous party…

…and dance on their graves!*

*Kidding. I’m kidding… I’ll pee on them. No… no… well… maybe.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

I Love Demetri Martin

Here's why:
Oscar Showdown, 2008

Chrismatica© my Oscar predicting mathematical formula has once again been put to use to assist others with various Oscar pools at various Oscar parties. Last year, with the categories below, Chrismatica© scored a perfect 100%.

As always: Remember, if you win, you owe me! And if you lose… well, you shouldn’t have been gambling in the first place.

Performance by an actor in a leading role
George Clooney in "Michael Clayton" Didn’t he just win?
Johnny Depp in "Sweeney Todd” Sorry… no one wins for singing anymore… wait, did they ever?
Tommy Lee Jones in "In the Valley of Elah" Nobody saw this film
Viggo Mortensen in "Eastern Promises" Nobody saw this film… but they heard good things…
Daniel Day-Lewis in "There Will Be Blood" The Academy loves it when actors bury themselves in a role and chew their way out. Miserable struggle + unhappy ending and misery = That is Oscar gold!

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
Casey Affleck in "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford" Three words: Ben Affleck’s brother. They made that mistake once, no more Affleck awards.
Philip Seymour Hoffman in "Charlie Wilson's War" One of the best actors of his generation… but he just won a few years back. Plus, no one saw this film.
Tom Wilkinson in "Michael Clayton" Who?
Hal Holbrook in "Into the Wild" I’m thinking there will be an old-school push, but Javier’s performance has got too much buzz. Hal is a close second.
Javier Bardem in "No Country for Old Men" Stole the movie, note how no one else from this film was nominated…

Performance by an actress in a leading role
Cate Blanchett in "Elizabeth: The Golden Age" She was nominated the last time she played this character and lost… why would they give it to her now?
Marion Cotillard in "La Vie en Rose" Sing all you want… Oscar doesn’t pay up to singers.
Laura Linney in "The Savages" The Sandy Dennis of her generation: each role she plays is essentially the same character: herself. Nominated before and hasn’t won…
Ellen Page in "Juno" Breakout performance of the year! Made the movie! However, it’s a first nomination. That only works for supporting actress. Come back when you get a few more nominations…
Julie Christie in "Away from Her" Old Hollywood strikes back with one last stab with Julie. Old Hollywood is getting… well, old. Not too many chances left to leave their mark, so they’re counting on Julie.

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
Cate Blanchett in "I'm Not There" She won for playing Katherine Hepburn (The Aviator)—Cate, you do not want to be known as “the woman who only wins for roles in pants.” That’s Hillary Swank’s territory…
Saoirse Ronan in "Atonement" Heartbreaking performance… or so I’m told. Who saw this? Anyone…? Anyone…?
Amy Ryan in "Gone Baby Gone" Four words: Directed by Ben Affleck
Tilda Swinton in "Michael Clayton" She’s good… but not that good.
Ruby Dee in "American Gangster" The Academy loves it when performers who were all but gone, come back and steal a movie away from Russell Crowe and Denzel Washington.

Best animated feature film of the year
Michael Eisner may be gone, but everyone’s hatred of Disney remains…
"Surf's Up" Surfing Penguins. Seriously. Surfing Penguins… Apparently, this was thought up by the Marketing Dept. “Studies show kids like penguins and surfing…” They managed to kill two genres with one stone and it still got nominated… slow year.
"Persepolis" Black and white. Very dramatic. Intense, true story… plus, they get to piss off The Mouse! GOLD!!!

Achievement in directing
"The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" Julian Schnabel The what and the what-what? Is this a joke? Seriously, why is this even here?
"Juno" Jason Reitman First nomination. Look for this to win in production design and possibly writing…
"Michael Clayton" Tony Gilroy Eh…
"There Will Be Blood" Paul Thomas Anderson This film was 30 minutes too long—maybe if the director had paid attention to that fact, it might have a chance.
"No Country for Old Men" Joel Coen and Ethan Coen Bottom line: they won the Director’s Guild Award. Consider this a lock.

Best motion picture of the year
"Juno" Cute, enjoyable film. That would be great if it were 1934 (then again, in 1934 a comedy about a pregnant teen would not have been made…)
"Atonement" Ah, depressing. Based on a book. The Academy loves this stuff as it makes them feel superior. Plus, it is a period piece. But did anyone see this?
"Michael Clayton" Yeah, yeah, lawyers are bad… tell us something we don’t know.
"There Will Be Blood" And there will be… for this film on Oscar night. Learn to edit P.T.
"No Country for Old Men" The last time the Coen brothers were nominated for Best Picture they were up against The English Patient and Academy love-child Saul Zaentz. This year there’s nothing to stop them. Is it their best work? Since when has the Academy Awards been about best work?

Friday, February 15, 2008

Is it Summer, Already?

Sexy Douche

I had no idea that Big Brother had started… I guess this strike is really screwing up my TV schedule. BB is my summer get-away show! Not in the winter… I can’t enjoy it in the winter…

…but then I read a piece in D-Listed* talking about how some guy named Matt (above) who got a bj from some skank on the show. There are postings on YouTube on what a douche this guy is: he comes, she swallows, he makes her promise that they will never tell anyone, and then he proceeds to give a big-ass smile into the camera that’s been watching them the whole time. (See below).

[Totally NSFW: slurping, head bobbing, etc.]


…I am so totally in!

*I snagged that pic from D-Listed... it's too perfect not to...

PS: To Scotty, note that the Budweiser ad is no longer auto-running... happy now?

Have Fun This Weekend!

But not too much fun...

...and certainly, you should be careful in whatever activity you involve yourself in...

Now go out there and celebrate President's Day the way George & Abe would want you to!

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Happy Valentine's Day!

Yeah, I'm single and bitter about it... why do you ask?

Oh, and Happy Anniversary Michele & Ian! XXOO!

Check out this great trailer for Pineapple Express, starring Seth Rogen and James Franco... it looks fantastic. Note: This is a red-band trailer, which means there are some naughty words--I'm sure you don't care, but if you're playing this at work...

[I was trying to embed the trailer, but kept messing up on the html... if I do manage to figure it out, I'll update this post].

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Father Strikes Son

The statue of Christ the Redeemer in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil was struck by lightening during a large thunderstorm on Sunday. The storm has caused major havoc in the city and surrounding areas. The 130 foot tall, 700 ton statue was unharmed.

No word on why God was so pissed at the statue... but the pic is pretty damn cool.

Monday, February 11, 2008

RIP: Men of Distinction

Representative Tom Lantos passed away yesterday at 80 of esophageal cancer. The only Holocaust survivor elected to Congress, he represented parts of San Francisco and San Mateo County. He was known for supporting the socially liberal agenda of his constituents and was a proponent of same-sex marriage.

I first heard of Rep. Lantos in the film The Last Days. He spoke of his survival during the Holocaust, escaping twice from labor camps, eventually finding his way to Swedish diplomat Raoul Wallenberg and eventually fighting for the resistance. In Last Days, he said spoke of telling his children that he had lost all his family in the Holocaust and that his children were determined to help him have a great big family again—he is survived by 17 grandchildren and two great-grandchildren.

You never heard of John Alvin, but he created some of the most iconic movie posters of the last 30 years. From Blazing Saddles, to E.T. to The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Blade Runner, The Lion King, The Lord of The Rings trilogy, Harry Potter, and The Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy. He died of a heart attack at age 59. [Special thanks to Jill for sending me this, as I otherwise would have missed it.]

Last, Roy Scheider, the man who uttered one of my most favorite lines in film, “We’re gonna need a bigger boat,” passed away due to multiple myeloma at age 75. Best known for his role as Police Chief Martin Brody in Jaws, he had over 80 films to his credit. Twice nominated for an Oscar, for The French Connection and All That Jazz, he continued to work and has two films to be released this year.

Friday, February 08, 2008

I’ll Miss Mitt A Little Bit

Presidential candidate and PowerPoint aficionado Mitt Romney has dropped out of the race. More importantly, his boys and their “popular blog” Five Brothers, will also be going. I’ll miss them. Well, looking at them. I can’t stand Mitt’s politics, but his boys are nice to ogle.

Actually, only three of the boys do it for me. Josh, Tagg, and über-sexy Matt. Ben was cute when he had a beard… now he looks kind of scary. Unfortunately, they are all straight. But I’ve known enough repressed Mormon boys in my day to know that they are not all squeaky-clean. Thems a little dirty…

I won’t miss Mitt… but I’ll miss his boys.

(Pssst! Matt… call me!)

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Oh, Jesus Christ...

Ted's Finally True to Himself

Well, poor Ted Haggard. First, he’s outed for buying drugs and hooking up with a gay escort. Then, after two weeks of therapy he became “completely heterosexual.” And now, well… now, he’s been booted out of the program to keep him straight.

I guess Ted’s just too fierce for The Hets. I keep wondering what that conversation was like to finally convince them that he wasn’t going to “turn”:
Counselor: “Ted, you need to pray harder!”
Ted: “Can I just suck your dick instead?”
Counselor: “Um… I think you should leave…”
Ted: “So, is that a ‘no’?”

Message to Ted:
Dude, look… you’re gay. You know it. I know it. God knows it. Everyone knows it. So, come out, already. Just come out. Start a big ole gay church—make it flashy and fun (you know you want to). Reinterpret The Bible (oh, it’s done all the time—you know it. I know it. God certainly knows it…) Get The Gays to give you money: they’ve got it; you want it—it’s a win/win.

Disadvantages: The religious nutjobs will hate you—but they already do. Doesn’t matter in their book.

Advantages: Still get to be a minister. Still get all that money. Get even more dick. Lots and lots of schlong-age! And you want that… you know it. I know it. And, Heaven knows that God knows it. After all, he made you (totally gay).

Special thanks to Scooter for the most excellent "Mr. Slave" pic--fantastic suggestion!

Who Should I Vote For?

85% John Edwards
85% Barack Obama
84% Hillary Clinton
84% Chris Dodd
79% Mike Gravel
78% Dennis Kucinich
77% Joe Biden
74% Bill Richardson
44% Rudy Giuliani
36% John McCain
26% Mike Huckabee
25% Mitt Romney
25% Tom Tancredo
16% Ron Paul
15% Fred Thompson

I took an online quiz that determines which candidate best suits my beliefs... Well, Edwards is out... I voted for Hillary, but as it seems to be going, Barak may not be such a bad choice for me. See who you should vote for...

Thanks to the adorable Brad from Southern Expressions for this.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Was This Game Not Totally Awesome?!

Sure, I would have liked a little more action in the middle, but the fact that “the 18-point underdog” New York Giants beat the New England Patriots was fantastic.

I have no love for Tom Brady. I think he’s a douche. Sure, you’re an excellent ball player, but don’t kid yourself, all that modeling is not because you are that good looking. So when you go off pouting that you’ve lost with one minute to play, without congratulating the team that beat you, you are a poor loser. Also, I know some people that went to high school with him and said he was a douche back then.

Still, he does have at least one asset:

As for Eli, he’s cute in that deer-caught-in-the-headlights sort of way. I want to protect and care for him… his brother is another story all together.

Payton Manning is a Stud. Just walking sex appeal. Yeah, there’s a bit of goofiness to him, but that’s part of his charm. Tall, brilliant athlete, and willing to be a goofball? The trifecta of what makes a dude hot in my book. (There’s more to the list, but let’s leave this as it is for now.)

Then there is Cooper Manning—the oldest brother who was injured playing football that can’t play anymore. He’s got the bedroom eyes, doesn’t he?

King of Commercials

Go Here. This thing was on auto-run and anytime someone came to my site the damn thing would start running. As much as I loved it... it was too damn much!

Made me tear up... [sniff]

Sunday, February 03, 2008


Check out the below picture of a billboard near my house:

Yes, that's the refreshing mixture of Budweiser and Clamato. CLAMATO?! [hurl] What idiot came up with this idea? Seriously, how drunk do you have to be to say "Let's combine an alcoholic carbonated beverage with shit-juice"? I'm sure that both could use some improvement on their respective tastes--but this is not going to do it.
Is the Clamato sitting on shelves and they thought they'd get people to drink it by combining it with beer? If this is what they are serving in Guantanamo, it's worse that waterboarding...
God, I only hope this is an early April Fool's joke...

Friday, February 01, 2008


Okay, usually I can figure out the trick. But this one has me stumped. Very cool trick. I'm sure we must be missing something on the cut-aways...

Know the trick? Tell me...