So, I’m “busy” at work, and I stumble across the Toys R Us site… I start clicking around and I found some of the strangest items. Not sure why anyone would buy them… or make them, for that matter.
We begin—as with all things disturbing—with Hello Kitty:
Nothing says “delicious breakfast” better than having your toast improperly cooked. Yes, the edges are burned, the middle is under-toasted, and your child is crying before she’s even out of her pjs. Nice going, Mom…
Kids love surgery as much as they love ogres, so let’s put them together! Actual marketing quote: “…lets you have a great time performing "surgery" on Shrek's face and mouth.”
Lord have mercy! I’m sure this is very popular at Michael Jackson’s house: “Go on, Blanket, cut off the nasty nose! Get it! Get it!” You want kids to operate on someone’s head? You’re quite a parent there, Mr. Dahmer—and your boy Jeffrey certainly is busy with his toys, isn’t he?
And what's coming out of his nose?
If that wasn't freaky enough, then what the f*ck is this?
Seriously. What. The. F*ck? First, it’s ass ugly. Second, if you hold it up to your ear, where do you talk? That’s right: the crotch. Nice.
Billy not getting beat up enough at school? Here’s the solution:
Talk about imagination at work! No one wants to have to go through all the stress of dressing up for halloween. No, just put on this and you're golden. I'm serious when I say the neighbors will all be convinced your child is mentally challenged. And they won't be far off.
Crimeny… at least give your kid a fighting chance. I should note that this comes with a “secret pocket.” I do not want to know what’s in there.
This last one I call "Scheissen Robin".
Is it just me, or does Robin—squatting Robin with his foot on the guy’s neck—look like he’s about to drop a Cleveland Steamer on the poor guy climbing out of the sewer? Someone is taking their aggressions out after being abused by a mysterious caped-crusader for way too long. I’m sure your child will remember this gift fondly as he’s being flogged on a St. Andrew’s Cross at a future Folsom Street Fair.