Thursday, February 07, 2008

Oh, Jesus Christ...

Ted's Finally True to Himself

Well, poor Ted Haggard. First, he’s outed for buying drugs and hooking up with a gay escort. Then, after two weeks of therapy he became “completely heterosexual.” And now, well… now, he’s been booted out of the program to keep him straight.

I guess Ted’s just too fierce for The Hets. I keep wondering what that conversation was like to finally convince them that he wasn’t going to “turn”:
Counselor: “Ted, you need to pray harder!”
Ted: “Can I just suck your dick instead?”
Counselor: “Um… I think you should leave…”
Ted: “So, is that a ‘no’?”

Message to Ted:
Dude, look… you’re gay. You know it. I know it. God knows it. Everyone knows it. So, come out, already. Just come out. Start a big ole gay church—make it flashy and fun (you know you want to). Reinterpret The Bible (oh, it’s done all the time—you know it. I know it. God certainly knows it…) Get The Gays to give you money: they’ve got it; you want it—it’s a win/win.

Disadvantages: The religious nutjobs will hate you—but they already do. Doesn’t matter in their book.

Advantages: Still get to be a minister. Still get all that money. Get even more dick. Lots and lots of schlong-age! And you want that… you know it. I know it. And, Heaven knows that God knows it. After all, he made you (totally gay).

Special thanks to Scooter for the most excellent "Mr. Slave" pic--fantastic suggestion!

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