Has someone been ratting me out? Is there a sexual problem of which I am unaware? I’ve always thought that in the
Those vacuum pump ads scare the shit out of me. Who would want a dick that big? Okay, stupid question, because who wouldn’t? Seriously, if I saw some of those dicks in the ads coming for me, I’d get up off my knees and run… albeit slowly—hey, blow jobs are work (why do you think they call it a job?), but getting rammed just takes some patience (and a few muscle relaxants).
As for the need for Viagra substitutes, I’ve never had a problem with erections. Oh, sure, in high school the problem was that it was never down. Now, Skipper seems to be hard for only half the day, instead constantly—but that was 20 years ago! Is this why I’m getting stay-hard cream ads or herbal Viagra pop-up ads sent to me at the rate of about three an hour? Am I still supposed to be hard constantly at age 37, like I was at 17? Trust me, the thing can still wake me out of a dead sleep. “Now? You’re hard now? What about 4 hours ago when I was bored and couldn’t sleep?”
I have absolutely no need for the desensitizing creams to prevent premature ejaculation. (That’s like someone sending me an ad for “hot teen girls.” No use whatsoever.) Masturbation has always taken me FOREVER… I can’t do the quick toss off, even when I try. My “moments alone” tend to last at least an hour at the minimum. Granted, with a partner it is significantly less time with ‘active participation,’ but I’ve never had anyone express shock or surprise. In fact, I’m often surprised by others. The worse is when some guy says, “Are you close yet? My jaw is starting to cramp…” Gee, sorry to ruin your day, I’m just the one who HASN’T had an orgasm yet…
Now all this self-congratulatory patting on the back is just that: self-congratulatory. Maybe someone out there thinks I’m not all that great in the sack. Maybe they are saying I’ve got to get past some issues. Maybe I’m the world’s worst fuck and I don’t even know it! That would explain the occasional Be a Better Lover Video ads that flood my mailbox.
Today, I received two weight loss ads, which only served to fill me with self pity and send me off for a mocha and a muffin… and a bagel… and a donut. I also received an herbal Rogaine supplement ad for my “baldness.” One thing I know I have is tons of hair on my head. It’s VERY thick and there is a ton of it. However, I don’t have hair on my chest… Is this a hint to ‘bear up’?
Am I on some sort of list out there as a fat, premature ejaculating, non erect, hairless loser? These ads are not the same company sending me information over and over, they are different companies! To the world, I’m a sexually dysfunctional moron with a nub for a dick!
Perhaps, just perhaps, this could all just be a coincidence. Maybe by going to an adult website (purely by accident as I would never go to one of those places intentionally) I got sucked into some sort of database for sex ads. That would explain the occasional ads for “big buxom broads.”
I have decided not to let these ads bother me. I am going to delete them the second they arrive and move on with confidence. I am better than those ads (at least in my own mind) and I won’t let the bastards get me down.
However, every day this week I have received a coupon for a complimentary order of Bean-o, the anti-farting pill. That, for anyone who knows me, is not an error. I dropped a loud, smelly fart, deleted the ad and moved on.
It’s going to be a glorious day… smelly, but glorious.