Slap & Tickle

Let’s talk for a moment about porn on the internet.

I spent an awful lot of time last night perusing the tens of thousands of porn sites. It seems the more I look the less I find. Sex advice columnist Dan Savage (“Savage Love”) wrote in his book “The Kid,” that paying for porn on the internet is a big waste of time. He noted that one can pretty much find the same stuff elsewhere for free, but must invest the time looking for it. Paying for it, in his opinion, is a huge waste of money.

Unfortunately, that hasn’t stopped me from trying to prove him wrong. However, I must agree, that for the most part, the pay sites suck. Their sole purpose seems to be to send visitors to other pay sites. Example, I used to go to a free site called Men On the Net (dot com) and write occasional filthy articles for posting (much like Blogger, but with more references to “schlongs” and “jizz”). Recently, I went back and MotN been swallowed up by a large site that I had to pay for. It offered naked pics, movies, and articles. In other words, the same stuff MotN had, but now I was expected to pay for. I paid my entrance fee and entered the site only to find that every time I click on something, I get sent off to a different site to pay more to view. Thank god I only signed up for the one week $7.95 trial offer. I won’t be back—a good porn site is thrilling—a bad porn site is boring. I’m not sure how these people managed to make sex boring, but they do.

One of the most irritating “inventions” of the internet are the multiple pop-up windows that literally pop-up when one opens a porn site. I spent five minutes last night doing nothing but closing the myriad of pop-up advertisements and links directing me to the “hottest site on the web.” As one closes a pop-up box, three more open. It was almost like a video game, trying to do battle with the evil pop-up windows. Usually, they are all leading to the same site… different title and graphic on the link, same ugly-ass destination.

I think what really annoys me is that these pop-up boxes tend to be sites offering women. If I’m at a hairy, butch, man-loving web page, why would I want to be checking out “barely legal teen girls”? And what’s the fascination with barely legal girls? That’s just creepy. (In all fairness, I think “barely legal boys” is just as creepy.)

So, I spent several hours clicking around, opening a site, closing 50 pop-ups, opening another, closing still more pop-ups until it was 1:00am. I decided to see what I’d collected: several hundred shots of naked men… few of which I felt like looking at again. It’s odd how they are hot on the web, but once onto a disk in my computer, they become rather boring. Maybe I’m projecting—my dullness is making hot porn dull.

Or maybe I’m just growing up. I’m maturing and I don’t need all this porn anymore. And maybe George W. Bush is a brilliant man. Regardless, I think I’m doing away with the hunt for porn on the internet. I’ll just have to settle for the hundreds of pornographic tapes, magazines, DVD’s and books that I own to see me through.