Slap & Tickle

Palm Spings, CA—(S&T) Bob Hope, 98, star of stage, screen and USO shows throughout the world is still alive. Once again, Mr. Hope has dodged the “Celebrity Three” bullet and came out unscathed—although, no one is sure if he is aware… of anything.

Celebrity Three (CT) is a commonly held belief that celebrities die in threes. Within several days of the first celebrity passing, another will drop dead. And, generally, within a few more days, the third will kick the bucket, thus completing the CT cycle

Recently, singer Perry Como, 88, best known for… uh, singing in a VERY relaxed manner, passed away. Doctor’s were immediately dispatched to the Hope estate for a constant vigil over the ever increasingly disoriented “entertainer.” Shortly after, comedian Imogene Coca, best known for her work on Sid Seasar’s Your Show of Shows, passed away at the age of 92. Upon hearing of Ms. Coca’s passing, Mr. Hope was rushed to Palm Springs General Hospital’s Hope Wing to be hooked up to every monitor in site, while doctors began pumping Bob full of medication. His wife, Delores Hope, was rushed to his side—even though he wasn’t sure she was there.

The next day, cartoonist Hank Ketcham, 81, best known for creating Dennis the Menace passed away—completing the CT cycle. Having once again survived the CT cycle, Mr. Hope was set to be discharged. “We are grateful to have again helped Mr. Hope survive,” said Doctor Arnie Schwartzman of Palm Springs General. “We feel pretty confident that we can keep him alive—but just in case, we keep an eye out for the current location of Charles Nelson Reilly, so if things get real hairy, we send Delores out in her Cadillac to run him down. Although, we are still debating if Mr. Reilly should be considered a celebrity and not just an annoying has-been.”

However, shortly before Mr. Hope was to leave the hospital, word arrived through the Entertainment Tonight Deathwatch that celebrity Arlene Francis, 93, best known for her panel work on What’s My Line died. Schwartzman called out, “We have a Code Hope! I repeat, we have a Code Hope!” Doctors rushed Mr. Hope back up to his penthouse suite of the hospital, overlooking the golf course.

“All we can do now is wait,” said Dr. Schwartzman, “We can only pray for someone else to go quickly, or else Delores will be cruising the streets of LA within two hours,” he said solemnly shaking his head. “Wait a minute… has anyone seen Mrs. Hope?” Dr. Schwartzman’s nurse immediately called Mr. Reilly to inform him of a new crop of male prostitutes along Hollywood Boulevard. “It’s either that, or we tell him that a Match Game reunion is in the works, “ the nurse smiled, smoking a cigarette, “but, he usually doesn’t fall for the line, especially after Gene Rayburns died. Seriously though, who’s going to actually hire him for anything?”

The nurse also noted that special “standby” celebrities are also on Mrs. Hope’s “Listo de la Muerte,” including Joyce DeWitt, Ed Begely Jr., and Didi Conn. “Generally, people no one would ever miss.”

Mr. Reilly could not be reached for comment. His assistant, a “former” male prostitute, said that Mr. Reilly was in seclusion. To be more specific, the heroin addicted waif said, “He’s in the closet… like you couldn’t figure that out. Actually, he said he was going out to an ‘audition.’ Like that’s a reality...”

In the meantime, actor Anthony Quinn and actress Anne Haney have both passed. Mr. Hope continues to rest comfortably at Palm Springs General under tight security. Mrs. Hope was last seen driving on Hollywood Boulevard.