Slap & Tickle

Once again, my credit card and computer have set out to bring about my downfall. Last week, I was surfing the net when I decided to stop by 800.com and see what was on sale. Lucky me, 27” TVs and VCRs were on sale and I “just had to have them.”

Years ago, when I was on Consumer Credit Counselor’s program, I learned the difference between need and want. It used to be if I wanted something I needed it. After not being able to spend so much as a dime in three years, I learned very easily what I could live without.

Now, thanks to several raises, a pretty high credit limit and a T-1 connection to the internet, I can shop at the speed of light. I also love 800.com because they offer free shipping and no sales tax. DVDEmpire.com is another favorite site that loves to add digits to my credit card. For gifts, I like Red Envelope and Hickory Farms (send someone a beef log and you’ve got a friend for life).

Amazon.com used to be a favorite, until they screwed up an order and didn’t bother to acknowledge any of my repeated e-mails to the “customer service” department. Martha Stewart.com offered “7-day shipping,” so two weeks before Christmas I ordered a gift for someone… then 4 days before Christmas I got a note from good old Martha stating my package had just been shipped. So that’s 7-day shipping from whenever you get off your lazy ass and send it?

Adult stuff I order from home… and Lord do order a lot of it from home. It seems like every other day something arrives from some sleazy place—usually Cleveland, OH. I’m not sure why, but they charge an awful lot for porn. The acting isn’t that good, the directing us usually awful, the production values border on the pathetic and yet they still have the nerve to charge sixty bucks for it! And I have the nerve to pay…

So last week I ordered a new 27” TV and a Sony DVD player for less than $500 (total, not each). Why? Because I needed it. Sure, I still have a working TV in my room, and a DVD player in my living room, but I wanted one in my room. And because I wanted it; I needed it. Apparently, I also need a lot of Simpson’s figures from eBay, because I keep purchasing those like they are going out of style (which they probably are…)

The TV arrived today via Pony Express. I guess with free shipping one shouldn’t expect them to use FedEx… but I did half expect to see UPS or Airborne Express. But it was some company called Ho-dunk X-Press. They couldn’t find my office… or my building, even though I gave them the exact address. I guess I’m lucky they found California. Hopefully the same can be said about UPS… “We’re to the left… LEFT… that’s right, bring the package over here… good… good… what are you doing?! NO!!! That’s Mexico!”

The DVD player is supposed to be arriving by UPS. Apparently, UPS does not subscribe to the idea that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, because my DVD player is currently better traveled than I. It started off in Delaware, because that’s where DVD players are born and went to Pennsylvania (where most people go to die). (Fine. Logical.) Then it went to Texas and then to Ohio. (Interesting… not sure, but okay.) Next my DVD player was in Arizona… and then went to Seattle. (Okay… it’s getting closer, but I think that Phoenix is closer than Seattle.) Then yesterday, it went to Los Angeles (yippee! It’s in California!) and then to Denver (D’Oh!) Somebody needs to buy them a map…

This morning, my DVD player inched its way into San Bruno. My player is so close that I could touch it (and if I would actually set foot in San Bruno, I would). I’m curious if the package will make it’s way directly here, or if there will be more stops? Maybe a trip to Fisherman’s Wharf is in order, or a stop down at Disney’s California Adventure.

Either way, it better get here right quick, I’ve got a 27” TV and a LOT of DVD porn that needs some major watching. I have a feeling I will never again need to leave my room, or want to—which is the same thing, isn’t it?