Are You F-ing Kidding Me?

I saw this on dlisted this morning:

I think Michael K put it best when he wrote, "Imagine sitting through 15 hours of Justin Timberlake. There isn't enough booze and drugs on the planet to get you through that."

I was hoping they'd bring back Jon Stewart. They always blame the host for the poor ratings. It's the host that gets us through the crap that is "The Oscars." Face it, there's no substance to The Oscars--it's all frivolous.* The ratings for The Oscars are tied directly into what is nominated. The ratings peaked the year Titanic was nominated. As much as I loved Brideshead Revisited, if it gets the most nominations this year it will tank.

If they’re going to go for crappy, why not have Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears host? Talk about the Train-wreck Trifecta! I want to see those nut-jobs derail in the most public way possible.

*I love The Oscars, but when people are being massacred in Darfur and soldiers dying in Iraq and Bush is still devising ways to end life on this planet as we know it, I really couldn't care less what Cate Blanchet is wearing...**

**…wait, she's wearing Dolce and Gabana? FABulous! Get that f'ing starving kid off my TV and turn on E!.

No Title (can't think of anything clever other than Bush Sucks Ass!)

President Bush said Thursday that the country is not headed into a recession. He also said there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, that the war in Iraq was going well, that we weren’t spying on Americans, Iraq was directly linked to Al Qaeda, the war wouldn’t last long, the war would cost only about $2 billion…

…ladies and gentlemen, that means we are in a f**king recession! I should be ranting and raving about this, but I can’t. Because two more important items came across my computer this morning. First, a spoiler* called "Spoilt":

The guy who came up with this t-shirt is a fricken genius! I love it. I only had trouble figuring out one of them. Quite a deal at $15… sadly, it’s sold out.

I licked my wounds by purchasing the 40th Anniversary Edition of “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?” which was released this week! “Dinner” is one of my all-time favorite movies: great story, brilliant cast, and Hepburn & Tracy’s last, he died just 17 days after filming ended.

Tracy’s amazing 8-minute monologue of the power of love—a great source of pride for him that he did not miss a single line during the filming—is one of the best in film history. Not only is he speaking as Matt Drayton, but also for his relationship to Katherine Hepburn. “The only thing that matters is what they feel, and how much they feel, for each other. And if it's half of what we felt- that's everything.”

Katherine won her second Oscar** for the role of Christina Drayton. Well deserved as she gives a wonderful performance. Her dismissal of her assistant is one of my favorites, ending with, “Don’t speak—just go!”

It’s a bit dated and, looking back, it’s hard to imagine the world was that backwards—in some places it still is—but it is still an amazing movie and a joy to watch.

*If you’re pissed that it ruined something for you, you really should get out more…

**She won her third Oscar the next year (The Lion in Winter), when she died in 2003, she had four Oscars from her 12 nominations. A record that won’t be broken anytime soon.

And the Oscar Went to…

Oscar de la Hoya... get it?

Chrismatica© my-not-really-patented-but-I’m-pretending-it-is Oscar predicting mathematical formula was once again triumphant in predicting the results of the 80th Academy Awards, with 66.6% accuracy—narrowly missing last year’s result of 100%.*

Performance by an actor in a leading role
Daniel Day-Lewis in "There Will Be Blood" Called it!

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
Javier Bardem in "No Country for Old Men" Called it!

Performance by an actress in a leading role
Marion Cotillard in "La Vie en Rose" WTF?! So… lipsyinc’ing is acting now… okay, then. Duly noted. I think I weighed the biopic too low and Julie Christie’s previous win too high. Adjustments to the formula have been made.

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
Tilda Swinton in "Michael Clayton" WTF?! I guess they felt guilty for not nominating her for Orlando or The Deep End… still, I’m stumped.

Best animated feature film of the year
"Ratatouille" D'Oh!Okay, I totally missed this one… but it deserved to win, so I’m not upset.

Achievement in directing
"No Country for Old Men" Joel Coen and Ethan Coen Called it!

Best motion picture of the year
"No Country for Old Men" Called it!

Original screenplay
No Country for Old Men Called it!**

Adapted screenplay
Juno Called it!***

*Using the Bush/FOX “News” scale of accuracy. If Iraq can be labeled a “success” and Bush as “competent,” then a 33.3% miss is certainly accurate.

**I left this off the sheet I sent out… but I put it on my ballot at an Oscar party (and got it right), so I’m including it.

***Ditto

Oscar Showdown, 2008

Chrismatica© my Oscar predicting mathematical formula has once again been put to use to assist others with various Oscar pools at various Oscar parties. Last year, with the categories below, Chrismatica© scored a perfect 100%.

As always: Remember, if you win, you owe me! And if you lose… well, you shouldn’t have been gambling in the first place.

Performance by an actor in a leading role
George Clooney in "Michael Clayton" Didn’t he just win?
Johnny Depp in "Sweeney Todd” Sorry… no one wins for singing anymore… wait, did they ever?
Tommy Lee Jones in "In the Valley of Elah" Nobody saw this film
Viggo Mortensen in "Eastern Promises" Nobody saw this film… but they heard good things…
Daniel Day-Lewis in "There Will Be Blood" The Academy loves it when actors bury themselves in a role and chew their way out. Miserable struggle + unhappy ending and misery = That is Oscar gold!

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
Casey Affleck in "The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford" Three words: Ben Affleck’s brother. They made that mistake once, no more Affleck awards.
Philip Seymour Hoffman in "Charlie Wilson's War" One of the best actors of his generation… but he just won a few years back. Plus, no one saw this film.
Tom Wilkinson in "Michael Clayton" Who?
Hal Holbrook in "Into the Wild" I’m thinking there will be an old-school push, but Javier’s performance has got too much buzz. Hal is a close second.
Javier Bardem in "No Country for Old Men" Stole the movie, note how no one else from this film was nominated…

Performance by an actress in a leading role
Cate Blanchett in "Elizabeth: The Golden Age" She was nominated the last time she played this character and lost… why would they give it to her now?
Marion Cotillard in "La Vie en Rose" Sing all you want… Oscar doesn’t pay up to singers.
Laura Linney in "The Savages" The Sandy Dennis of her generation: each role she plays is essentially the same character: herself. Nominated before and hasn’t won…
Ellen Page in "Juno" Breakout performance of the year! Made the movie! However, it’s a first nomination. That only works for supporting actress. Come back when you get a few more nominations…
Julie Christie in "Away from Her" Old Hollywood strikes back with one last stab with Julie. Old Hollywood is getting… well, old. Not too many chances left to leave their mark, so they’re counting on Julie.

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
Cate Blanchett in "I'm Not There" She won for playing Katherine Hepburn (The Aviator)—Cate, you do not want to be known as “the woman who only wins for roles in pants.” That’s Hillary Swank’s territory…
Saoirse Ronan in "Atonement" Heartbreaking performance… or so I’m told. Who saw this? Anyone…? Anyone…?
Amy Ryan in "Gone Baby Gone" Four words: Directed by Ben Affleck
Tilda Swinton in "Michael Clayton" She’s good… but not that good.
Ruby Dee in "American Gangster" The Academy loves it when performers who were all but gone, come back and steal a movie away from Russell Crowe and Denzel Washington.


Best animated feature film of the year
"Ratatouille" Michael Eisner may be gone, but everyone’s hatred of Disney remains…
"Surf's Up" Surfing Penguins. Seriously. Surfing Penguins… Apparently, this was thought up by the Marketing Dept. “Studies show kids like penguins and surfing…” They managed to kill two genres with one stone and it still got nominated… slow year.
"Persepolis" Black and white. Very dramatic. Intense, true story… plus, they get to piss off The Mouse! GOLD!!!


Achievement in directing
"The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" Julian Schnabel The what and the what-what? Is this a joke? Seriously, why is this even here?
"Juno" Jason Reitman First nomination. Look for this to win in production design and possibly writing…
"Michael Clayton" Tony Gilroy Eh…
"There Will Be Blood" Paul Thomas Anderson This film was 30 minutes too long—maybe if the director had paid attention to that fact, it might have a chance.
"No Country for Old Men" Joel Coen and Ethan Coen Bottom line: they won the Director’s Guild Award. Consider this a lock.

Best motion picture of the year
"Juno" Cute, enjoyable film. That would be great if it were 1934 (then again, in 1934 a comedy about a pregnant teen would not have been made…)
"Atonement" Ah, depressing. Based on a book. The Academy loves this stuff as it makes them feel superior. Plus, it is a period piece. But did anyone see this?
"Michael Clayton" Yeah, yeah, lawyers are bad… tell us something we don’t know.
"There Will Be Blood" And there will be… for this film on Oscar night. Learn to edit P.T.
"No Country for Old Men" The last time the Coen brothers were nominated for Best Picture they were up against The English Patient and Academy love-child Saul Zaentz. This year there’s nothing to stop them. Is it their best work? Since when has the Academy Awards been about best work?