Slap & Tickle

Happy New Year!

Good Lord, has it been so long since I’ve last posted? I’m such a slacker… such a goddamn slacker. I’m embracing it. I’m owning it.

Since I’ve been away, several news events have happened and I’ve not commented… here’s my brief look back at what I failed to comment on in December (in no particular order):

Saddam Hussein is dead. That bastard was still alive? I gotta read the newspaper now and again.

Gerald Ford died. Not exactly a shocker… (93 and piss-poor health the last year). However, he had a significant role in U.S. history and I think the pardon of Nixon was a good thing. I am seriously enjoying* watching the state funeral. I love me some pomp and circumstance (but mostly the pomp).

Have you heard “Christmas Shoes”? Apparently, there are a number of people that think this is a fantastic song. I’m a sap of the highest order. I cry at just about any sentimental thing on TV… but this song is just crap. Anytime someone says “mama is gonna see Jesus” I just check out. Of course, there’s a chorus of kids singing, so we’ll all feel that holiday tug and go buy this crappy song. What kid wants to buy his mother shoes?** Hate to tell you this kid, but when they burry you, it’s sans shoes. Ain’t that a kicker? What kid knows his mom’s shoe size? Well, what straight kid, anyway…

Michael Lucas is the greatest porn director. Okay, there are adult films I enjoy more, but his films are truly films. They aren’t pornos, they are films with a lot (and I mean a LOT) of naked men banging each other—however, there is a substantial plot! Unheard of in the porn world. His two latest (and yes, I own them) are “Dangerous Liaisons” and “La Dolce Vita”. Correction, the titles are; “Michael Lucas’ Dangerous Liaisons” and “Michael Lucas’ La Dolce Vita”. Along with a big schlong, Michael has a big ego. When did I get these stunning films you ask, right about the time that I stopped posting. Don’t tell me I’m not using my time effectively…

I couldn’t get enough of the Christmas songs this year. Had them on my iPod, on the radio, on the TV… I just loved them. Well, exception being that f’ing shoe song.

I ended the year with a cold. Such a nasty little bugger that I couldn’t go out and celebrate! What a horrible way to ring in the new year. However, I was on the phone talking to Scotty—also home sick with a cold—when the New Year passed, so I wasn’t completely alone.

Speaking of cold... where the Hell is the global warming I've been hearing so much about? My ass is freezing! I'm sleeping in flannel sheets, under an electric blanket, a down blanket and a down comforter and I'm still freezing! Someone is not driving their Hummer nearly enough...

SNL Digital Short: Dick in a Box. Need I say more? Hysterical. Genius. Classic.

Daniel Craig as the new Bond. I’m in love. LOVE. The man is amazing. Stunning. Redefined Bond and I couldn’t be happier. When I first heard they had hired this blonde guy to replace my beloved Pierce Brosnan, I thought “No f’ing way!” However, I was wrong. SO WRONG. The man is a total stud. I’m looking forward to the next Bond… oh, yeah, the movie was good, too…

Weeds. Damn, I’m so mad I have to wait for this show to end up on DVD before I can see the last season—in the interest of money, we gave up Showtime. However, if you have not seen the show, you must catch it at your earliest convenience. Here is some classic dialog (in this case a monologue) where in Uncle Andy explains masturbation to his nephew Shane. All I want to know is, where was this guy when I was going through puberty?

Alright, listen closely, I'm not gonna beat around the bush...
Your little body's changing, it's all good, believe me, the problem now is, everytime we jerk the gerkin we end up with a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right... So, first order of business, NO MORE SOCKS, they're expensive, gumming up the works, plumbing-wise, but you might be thinking to yourself "But uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock?" Glad you asked. You can have a lovely time tugging the tiger in the shower each morning, and that eliminates the need for a goo glove, but the day is long, masturbation's fun, so unless we want to take four or five showers everyday we're gonna need some other options here... So let's start with the basics... Tissues... Perfectly acceptable back stop for all that creamy italian... it can be rough and dry on such soft sensitive skin, not to mention it can get stuck to your dick head like a fuckin band aid.. ouch. From then on we move on to more lubricated flag catchers, specifically... BANANAS. Step one: Peel the banana. Step two: slip the peel over your andy johnson, start pitchin. Now for extra credit, warm up the peel on the microwave, not too hot, (serious youser), also olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner and vaseline can all be used for lube. In my opinion the best lube... is lube. So save your allowance, invest in some soon. Alright moving on, when you tug your thomas on the toilet, pfft, shoot right into the bowl. In bed, soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own if you don't mind tossin after tossin. There's no such thing as polishing the raised ceptre of love too much. It reduces the stress, it enhances immune functions... Also, practice makes perfect, so work on your control now while you're a solo artist, you'll be playing some long happy duets in the future. Alright, class dismissed...
Hey... Homework.

On that note, have a Happy New Year… and go get yourself some bananas.














*Enjoying is a bad term, but darn if I can think of one more apt and, as I stated above, I'm too much of a slacker to do find anything better.
**Imelda Marcos’ kids notwithstanding.