Slap & Tickle

From the [Bink!] of Disaster...


Two weeks ago, I’m bouncing around the internets and I click on this music link and all of the sudden—BAM!something starts to download. I stopped it and being protected by McAfee Security, I didn’t worry too much.

Suddenly, on the toolbar at the bottom, a red X appeared and a dialog box pops up with this little noise [BINK!] “Your computer is infected! Windows has determined that a virus is on your computer. Click her to get rid of it.” Well, being the intelligent guy I am, I clicked it.

Quick as a flash, Win Reanimator starts to download. Win Reanimator will protect me. Win Reanimator will find this virus and stop the mean red X from appearing. Win Reanimator quickly finds the problem and for a mere $60 will relieve me of the problem.

Fuck that. I can download spy removal software for FREE!

I download all sorts of software, hoping one of them will do the trick. [BINK!] Then I start doing some research on this Win Reanimator. Apparently, it is the virus and it does not go away (even after relieving one of $60).

[BINK!] wonderful…

Frantically, I started searching for other spyware programs. I downloaded every free spyware program available. None of them could get rid of it. I used to have Webroot’s Spy Sweeper, so I bought that, figuring that maybe if I paid for something, it would work…

[BINK!]

I logged onto all sorts of geek sites, trying to find a solution on how to get rid of this nasty crap. Each site had longer and more complicated instructions than the last. And almost everyone stated “removing [whatever files] could permanently damage your computer.”

Terrific. [BINK!] (Oh, Bloody Hell!)

Then a friend suggested Smit-somethingorother to get rid of the virus. Not only did it not kill the virus, it did manage to kill McAfee. The thing wouldn’t run! I’m paid until 2010 for that friggin product and it won’t run? I uninstalled McAfee, went to their website and tried to reinstall. [BINK!] Win Reanimator managed to f’up the download. McAfee is dead. I’ve got a virus that the virus program can’t fix and the firewall is down. I’m exposed to the world.

Fucking great. [BINK!] Every time it does that [BINK!] I swear those bastards who created this virus will be forced into a lower realm of Hell…

[BINK!]

I was about to pop in my Windows install disk and zap [BINK!] my whole computer clean when I realized that I would have to reload [BINK!] EVERY F’ING PROGRAM BACK ONTO MY COMPUTER! [BINK!] Damnit! The think is binking at a faster pace and my computer is slowing down… must… do… something…

Before I zapped my computer, I decided I should probably buy some protection for my computer when it’s up and running, so I decided to try Norton 360. Why Norton, well, 1) we use it at work and I haven’t had any problems, 2) McAfee sucks balls, and 3) I found it on sale with free shipping.

[BINK!]

I downloaded it last night at 11:25pm. It was up and running at 11:34. I did my first scan at 11:35 and by 11:36 it zapped that fucking Win Reanimator off my computer. Gone, bink-baby, Gone!

To the wonderful folks at Norton: God Bless You.

To the rat-bastards at Win Reanimator: I will find you…