Slap & Tickle

“As fast as you can say ‘Bob’s your uncle…”


The Always Lovely Hazel

I love infomercials. They are amazingly bad, yet addictive to watch. The items they sell are often substandard and last about as long as the infomercial.

I have been sucked into just about everyone of them (Enzyte, being one major exception). They promise the world, but rarely deliver. The GT Xpress? Burns the outside while leaving the inside cool and raw! Mighty Putty? Works… but smells like gasoline. The Hanger Cascader? Nope. Still takes up too much space. Riddex Plus? When a field mouse runs to it, you know it’s time to call the exterminator and toss that piece of junk. But the ads are so convincing, I feel the need to buy them.

The Magic Bullet is by far the best infomercial. Mimi and her Australian husband hosted a party the night before and in the early morning light, the people that were too drunk to drive home are gathered around the kitchen to watch them make breakfast… and lunch… and snacks… and drinks. This is how Scientology works, isn’t it?

My two favorite characters are Verman and Hazel. Verman is a pudgy, bald guy who partied too much the night before—he can’t even show up in clothes, he’s still in a robe… oh, Verman! Hazel is exactly as you’d expect: New York-ish, 50-ish, horn-rimmed glasses, with cigarette dangling from her lips—with a huge ash that never falls off!

I had no interest in ever buying one—but I have watched this infomercial at least two dozen times. It’s freakin’ addictive! However, in a moment of weakness, I did finally buy one. How can I resist the power of Verman and Hazel?

Watch and see if you can resist…

Part I


Part II


However—before you buy, note one important thing—it’s a piece of sh*t.