Slap & Tickle

Missing in Action


I feel bad that I haven’t written lately. School has been a bear and work has been kicking my butt as well, so the desire to write has been extremely limited. Besides the above, there really has not been much worth writing about. Sure, Michael Richards has been interesting (for about 2 seconds) and the Reichen/Lance Bass breakup did make me wonder: “Who?” But, on the whole, there has not been much worth discussing: Civil War in Iraq—who hasn’t written about that? Brittany flashing The Beav’—while I’m sure that’s one of the Four Horsemen, I’m not moved to write about it.

I know I’m not alone, as some of my favorite blogs have not been posting either: The FAF has been posting his columns from school, EGL announced he’s probably going to stop writing altogether, Ari at Diaspora South writes about once a month, Douchebag of The Week does not post weekly... in fact, the only consistent blog of late has been Michele’s (thank God, it's very entertaining).

But today, I decided I should write. Today, finally something happened so incredibly important, so vital to our nation that I can’t not discuss it: A plane was recently forced to the ground because of some woman’s gas.

Question: Just what-in-the-name-of-all-that-is-holy did she eat? My God—to bring down a plane with a fart—that has got to be lethal. I don’t think she should be filled with shame at all over this. I would be damn proud. In fact, I would be offering my services to the U.S. government for duty in Iraq. If that thing is terrifying at 34,000 feet, can you imagine just how nasty it would be at 110 degrees?

I have sat next to people that smelled of a bizarre curry/onion/b.o. smell that cannot be accurately described and 2 hours into the flight—a full eight hours before we would begin our decent—they belched so heinously that it slowly began to melt the tray (already in its upright and locked position), and even though it hung in the air for the rest of the flight, still we did not land. Now, some poor woman rips one and they practically ditch the plane? Jeez… since when did American Airlines start serving Super Chipolte Chili with onions, cheese and plenty of super-hot jalapenos? All I ever get is a stale bag of nuts… and I have to beg for that.

What does this mean for future air travel? We can’t bring jells or liquids on the plane… are they going to be asking us about what we ate? “What did you eat within the last 12 hours? Was it spicy?” I don't know about you, but I think grounding a flight for farting is awful. Frankly, it stinks.*






*Come on... like you'd expect me NOT to use a pun like that. Honestly, how could I not?