Get Your 70's On!

I stumbled across 70's Child and it looks like I won't be getting any work done today. Every post is a vivid memory. If you grew up in the 70's, or just wanted to, it's well worth reading and definitely should be bookmarked. You'll want to come back.

Come On, You Heartless Bastards! Make a Stand!


"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

Anger Manangement Issues
(aka "Pulling a Christian Bale")

I heard this VERY NSFW audio at YesbutNobutYes... Damn funny. I don't think I could work at a call center... at least not one for a mortgage company.

I’ve Got to Start Playing Rugby…

…or move to England.



Thanks to Andrew Sullivan for pointing this out and Bloggernista for the intial post.

Christian Bale: A Rant You Can Dance To

It was bound to happen… (Audio that is NSFW) I saw this at Joe.My.God.




Despair, Inc. had the shirt below available YESTERDAY! Click HERE to purchase.



For the original rant, click HERE. (Again, totally NSFW.)

I Love This Show!

VH1 is the master of crass-stupid programming... and I love them for it. And why not? They are all about The Love (of fame and money). From Rock of Love (1 & 2 and The Bus), Flavor of Love (1 & 2), I love New York (1 & 2), I Love (The 70's, 80's 90's--parts 1, 2, & 3-D) and now, my new favorite: I Love Money (2)!

The genius of I Love Money is they take the losers (read: crazy personalities) from all the other reality shows and they put them in a house together to try and win $250K. These people would put their dignity on the line for a bag of Cheetos if it meant being on television for 30 more seconds.

Here's a clip from last night's episode where Tamara seriously loses it. Well, that's not saying much, she said she wanted to win a houseboat and live in Malibu. When someone questioned her if that was a good idea to have a houseboat on the ocean she replied, "Duh. Where would you put it, a lake?" Adding to her brilliance, she later noted that she's deathly afraid of water... Does she know what a houseboat is? Does she know what a boat is?

Enjoy:

I Love Money 2: Tamara's Meltdown

What. The. Fu...?

When it rains, it pours. Ralph Santiago died after a sex act went wrong... okay. Fine. Happens all the time. However, he was wearing a gas mask and a wet suit. Again, I'm sure it happens. However, Ralph was at work... his FIRST FREAKIN' DAY OF A NEW JOB AND THIS IS WHAT HE DOES.

Can you imagine the funeral? Talk about gallows humor...

Are You F'ing Kidding Me?

This is nucking futz!

And THIS is the cherry on the top...

Dysfunctional Love


I have spoken of my love of Despair, Inc., the fine purveyors of Demotivators™. Well, they have created something very special for Valentine’s Day: BitterSweets® “The candy for the rest of us”.

We’ve all seen (and, unfortunately tasted) those Necco Wafer heart candies with little messages on them like “I luv U” and “U Sweet”. Well, Despair is never one to suck on the teet of sentimentality*: “When cruelty and holidays collide, the weak-willed find solace in self-pity and comfort foods. And now, Despair Inc. is pleased to announce that we've combined BOTH into a radical new offering.”

They come in three different varieties (Dumped, Dejected, and Dysfunctional) in six different flavors (Banana Chalk, Grape Dust, Nappy-Citric, You-Call-This-Lime?, Pink Sand and Fossilized Antacid).


"Dejected" sayings include:
I MISS MY EX - PEAKED AT 17 - MAIL ORDER - TABLE FOR 1
I CRY ON Q - U C MY BLOG? - LOSS LEADER - A FINE WHINE
MOMMY ISSUES - DIGNITY FREE - DORK MAGNET - PURE NAUSEA
WE HAD PLANS - MAIL ORDER - SETTLE 4LESS - I'M HOT INSIDE


"Dysfunctional" sayings include:
ANNULMENT - I BEEN CREEPIN - HE CAN LISTEN - GAME ON TV
CALL A 900# - P.S. I LUV ME - DO MY DISHES - BOOTY INFL8N
PAROLE IS UP! - AWFUL INLAWS - SUB PRIME - I WANT HALF
RETURN 2 PIT - NO FIX 4 DUMB - RATHER DRINK - MUTUAL DISGUST


"Dumped" sayings include:
I GOT SOBER - HE FIT U FAT - U LEFT SEATUP - USED U 4 FUN
JUST A FRIEND - BACK 2 KENNEL - DORKA PHOBIC - U HAVE A BLOG
RUSSIAN BRIDE - CELEB8 THX2U - DOG IS CUTER - TRADIN YOU IN
FORGET WE MET - KISS A FROG - SHE IS 22! - HE HAS A JOB


Because Despair is never content with just cutting into your soul, they have to pour salt in it, too: “Supplies are limited. But the pain that accompanies them may not be. “

Your Tax Dollars at Work

I saw this at OMG... Mind you, I'm not complaining.

TV Watch

The more I see Obama in action, the more I like him. National Geographic is producting a new series on Air Force One and has an exclusive of Obama's first trip with the new Captain (when we change presidents, the captain of AF1 changes, too... who knew?).

I also learned you can follow AF1 on Twitter... now, if I could only understand Twitter.

Faces in The Crowd

Photographer David Bergman created an awesome--and SEARCHABLE--panaramic photograph of the inauguration of Barak Obama.

The thumbnail below is the searchable panorama...


...and this is how close you can zoom (actually, you can get closer and see the scowl on Dick Cheney's face and the confusion on Dubya's...).

Click on either of the hyperlinks above to search.

End of the World

I heard Matt Alber sing with Chanticleer a few years back—I had no idea who he was at the time (all the voices are amazing). I’ve been listening to this song on constant replay for the last 24 hours. They lyrics are below. Heartbreaking and heartwarming (depending on your current relationship status).

End of the World
I don’t want to ride this roller coaster
I think I want to get off
But they buckled me down
Like it’s the end of the world
If you don’t want to have this conversation
Then you better get out
Cause we’re climbing to our death
At least that’s what they want you to think
Just in case we jump the track
I have a confession to make
It’s something like a cork screw

I don’t wanna fall, I don’t wanna fly
I don’t wanna be dangled over
The edge of a dying romance
But I don’t wanna stop
I don’t wanna lie
I don’t wanna believe it’s over
I just wanna stay with you tonight

I didn’t mean to scream out quite so loudly
When we screeched to a halt
I’m just never prepared
For the end of the ride
Maybe we should get on something simpler
Like a giant balloon
But I’ve got two tickets left, and so do you
Instead of giving them away to some stranger
Let’s make them count, come on
Let’s get back in line again and ride the big one

Don’t you want to fall, don’t you want to fly
Don’t you want to be dangled over
The edge of this aching romance
If it’s gonna end, then I wanna know
That we squeezed out every moment
But if there’s nothing left can you tell me why
That it is you’re holding onto me
Like it’s the end of the world

'Bout Time

This arrived in my mailbox today (perfect):

Dear World:

We, the United States of America, your top quality supplier of the ideals of liberty and democracy, would like to apologize for our 2001-2008 interruption in service. The technical fault that led to this eight-year service outage has been located, and the software responsible was replaced November 4. Early tests of the newly installed program indicate that we are now operating correctly, and we expect it to be fully functional on January 20. We apologize for any inconvenience caused by the outage. We look forward to resuming full service and hope to improve in years to come.

We thank you for your patience and understanding,

Sincerely,
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

We Interrupt This Blog for a Judy Garland Moment



I saw this at Are You There, Blog? It's Me, Stephen and couldn't resist.

Crimminy... should we just call this blog "YouTube Light"?

Spank Bank Friday

I think we need some summertime thinking to warm us up on these cold winter days...

...Benjamin certainly gets me warmed up.

Rockin’ Video

I’m not a Coldplay fan per se, but I’m digging this video.

Church Hat

By the way, if you think I'm not going to wear that hat to church on Easter, you are SO mistaken...

Sing it, 'Retha!

...if only I could find shoes that match!

What’s Your Pledge?

It's a new America... once again full of promise. Damn, it feels good to have hope again!

Life is for Sharing: Let’s Dance!

Normally, I’m opposed to corporations co-opting fun ideas to shill their wares, but T-Mobile did a great job with this one. Based on the Improv Everywhere Project (I previously posted their Best Game Ever video).

Feel free to get up and dance along…

They WHAT?!



Someone needs to explain to this woman the difference between a fist bump and fisting. There’s a difference—a HUGE difference.

Never Forget

I never want to think about Bush again, but I don’t want to forget, either. Bush came to office proclaiming he would "restore dignity to the White House." One last time, in completely random order, let’s look back at his legacy:*

Katrina and Bush telling “Brownie” he was doing “a hell of a job” as people were still drowning in their attics.
The U.S. Attorney firings and the politicizing of the Justice Department
Alberto Gonzales
Systematic dismantling Civil Rights Division at the Justice Department
Falsifying the reasons for war in Iraq and the 5,000 American lives lost
Not fully armoring U.S. soldiers in Iraq
Banning photographing U.S. war dead
Patient neglect at Walter Reed
Pat Tillman and false military reporting
The Iraq War and the 600,000+ Iraqi lives lost
The Patriot Act
War on Terror
War on Science
Blackwater
Faith-based initiatives
National Guard abuse
Scripted Iraq News Conference
Reduction of Veteran’s benefits
The polarization of the U.S.—“uniter not a divider” my ass!
Signing Statements
The endless trumping of 9/11 as if he actually did something.
Jeff Gannon Press Pass
Fake FEMA News Conference
9/11 Commission’s recommendations ignored
Clear Skies/ Healthy Forests Acts (which did the opposite)
Global Warming Denial
Dropping the ball in Afghanistan
Karl Rove
Waterboarding
Dick Cheney: “not a part of the Executive Branch”
No Child Left Behind
Domestic spying
Naming Peter Kirsanow, an affirmative action opponent, to Civil Rights Commission
Black Sites
Donald Rumsfeld
Abuse of “threat levels” during the 2004 election
Harriet Miers nomination
Cheney Energy Task Force
Refusal to intervene on Enron’s manufactured energy crisis in California
White House email
Torturing Guantanamo prisoners
Guantanamo military tribunals
Detainee court cases
Cheney shoots a man and doesn’t report it
Abu Ghraib
Medals of Freedom
Voter suppression in Florida
No Bid Contracts
Air Force Academy Proselytizing
Warrantless Wiretapping
Halliburton
Iraq Reconstruction and the missing $12 Billion
Valerie Plame
Scooter Libby
Tax cuts for the rich
$250 Million surplus is now a trillion dollar debt
Understaffing at the US Park Police
Not admitting ANY responsibility for anything that went wrong during his administration
The Legacy Project

May God watch out and protect Barak Obama and help him lead us out of the mess that Bush got us into.

*It's as close as complete as I can get... I'm sure I forgot something.

Spank Banque Friday



This is George St. Pierre UFC Welterweight champion and today's Spank Bank Friday man. He's from Montreal, Canada... and speaks with an Québécois accent.

Is he wearing pants?
Do I care?

Beating Matt Hughes

The weigh-in... Gawd I love sports
Who said this isn't gay?

Can't they just hug it out

You can check out more about Georges, go to Spike TV.

How George Bush Learnt His Math

This made me think of Dubya. It does explain how he could come up with the idea that our Economy is "sound". You just know this was how Cabinet meetings went... I'm trying to decide if Ma Kettle is Condeleezza or Cheney.

Star Wars...

...as told by someone who's never seen it. Effing hysterical.


Star Wars: Retold (by someone who hasn't seen it) from Joe Nicolosi on Vimeo.

I found this at YesButNoButYes.

Andrew Wyeth, 1917-2009

Click on the pictures to enlarge.

Christina's World

Weather Side

Winter 1946

Wind from the Sea

"Just Tying My Shoes"

I saw this on D-Listed… I… er, I… uh… I’m not sure what to say here.

The Saddest Teddy Bear

Poor Verne Troyer... I can't imagine he's a happy guy. First, Surreal Life, then that video [shudder], now THIS.

From The Surreal Life, Note the name of his scooter: Pride
ouch.

"Khan!"

I'm sad to report that Mr. Roarke's fantasy of living forever has ended... Ricardo Montalban has passed away at the age of 88. For some of you, he was Mr. Roarke on Fantasy Island, for others, the genetically enhanced superhuman Khan Noonien Singh from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.

I'll always remember him for his Chrysler commercials and how I still get a boner when I hear the words "rich, Corinthian leather..." [Ooooh... that's the stuff!]

He was always the superior being...

We Now Pause for a Brief Commercial (and Hysterical) Message



I love the bit of ass spaning at the end...

Additional Note: And then I found THIS! Who knew they'd fight back?!

Tina Fey Does Not Suck It

Operation Overlord

We’ve known this day was coming. We knew the plans, but not The Plan. It would be ugly. We were well prepared, we knew we would not all survive the day.

As the train brought us in, I looked around. When the smoke clears, will I see these people again? Will I be one of the fallen? One of the survivors? Which is better? Will I survive today, just to fall later? Leaving things to fate scares me, yet comforts me. I might get The Call, yet it’s out of my hands.

It was over before I knew it had begun. Casualties were expected, but never easy. The loss comes hard, very hard. Friends I have grown close to are gone.

The day is spent getting sporadic reports. The cuts are deep. Very deep. The losses are more than expected. Surprising. Frightening. Many tears. Many, many tears.

Walking around, I see the fallen with their few possessions and shattered dreams. The survivors walk around in a daze. Happy to still be here, mourning the loss of those close to us. We hug. More tears. Some laughs. The sense of loss hangs in the air.

Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow we start anew. From the fires comes the phoenix. Time will heal the wounds.

Layoffs… like war, but no parade afterwards.

Joe The Idiot

Joe "The Plumber" is in Israel "reporting" on the current war... He's quite the journalist. By journalist, I mean douchebag idiot.

Aren't his fifteen minutes up? Someone needs to plug that leak... anyone know a good plumber?

Attack of The Homosexuals

A satrical look at how gays are "attacking" marriage.



Those gays... they're funny!

Spank Bank Friday
(Sorry, Sam...)

Who knew you could wear a guy as a hat?

I've been shopping at all the wrong places...

Best. Book Review. Ever.

A friend* sent me this:

Click to enlarge picture

As of this posting, the review is still on Amazon.com’s website. You can access it HERE.

*I can't name the friend because the last time I mentioned his name he thought it an invasion of privacy, even though no one knows which Scott I was talking about... much less that it was McCandless.

Letterman Top Ten

Reasons why he'll miss Bush... Funny, but I'm not gonna miss him.

What, What, Wha...?!

I don't get it...

Soapbox!

I believe I said before regarding the passing of Prop. 8, that we should continue the Christian Right's mandate of "protecting marriage" by banning divorce. Well, let's sign the petition and get it going:

In Memorium

Eartha Kitt (1927-2008)

Hero Flashback: Fred Rogers

In 1969 PBS was in danger of losing it's $20 million grant from the U.S. government. Fred Rogers went to speak before the Senate Finance Committee... he single-handedly got them the money.

If you're not in tears by the end, you're dead inside*.







*McCandless, this doesn't apply to you as we already know you have a heart of stone.

Spank Bank Friday

Bernardo Velasco... "Yes, please!"

X-mas

Hurray for cheesy Christmas displays, YouTube and cgi!

Christmastime is Here…

…happiness and cheer. Time for what the children call, their favorite time of year.

Well, Christmas is almost here and I’m about to go on vacation for two weeks. So posts will probably be sporadic at best. Why? Because I’m lazy, damnit.

Here’s a little Christmas song for you all:



And here’s something to inspire you to take on all your New Year’s Resolutions:

iYuck

There is a new App for the iPhone called iCycle. No, it has nothing to do with riding a bike... but a woman's menstrual cycle.

No, I'm not kidding.

You can put in your friend's information and it will let you know when they are on their cycle... as my office mate noted, "You do not need that to tell you when I'm on my period." Plus, the damn thing costs ten bucks!

Based on the image above, it's best to steer clear of Christina for a few days...

K-lassy!


This is Dasha Astafieva. She is Hugh Hefner’s newest girlfriend as well as the January 2009 Playmate of the Month and the Playboy 55th Anniversary Playmate. I wonder what she’s selling?

She’s not just giving away the milk, she’s throwing the whole farm at them! What ever happened to being seductive, alluring and enticing? Come to think of it, she probably has no idea what those words mean… in fact, that’s probably what the photographers were yelling out: “Dasha… be seductive… now, be alluring… er, okay… wanna try enticing? Um, how ‘bout pulling your panties back up…?”

Today, they give it all away: Britney’s shaved who-ha, Drew Barrymore flashing her boobs, Paris Hilton downing some guy’s junk… It used to be you imagined what someone looked like naked, now it’s practically forced upon us in all its natural and—almost always—unfortunate glory. When will they understand that sexy and whorish are not one in the same?

Maybe I'm just annoyed that we still have two days until Spank Bank Friday...

My love for Paul continues...

It Gets Lonely in Space

I guess I missed this episode. Something tells me I would have enjoyed it... a lot.

Gentlemen, You May Thank Me with Twenties & Fifties

CNN Health is reporting that “Fellatio May Significantly Decrease the Risk of Breast Cancer in Women”. Merry Christmas!

“But, Honey… I’m only thinking of you and your health…”

Sorry, ladies...

CORRECTION: A bunch of fun-killers have noted that this is a fake news story. Which amuses me even more because I pulled it from the Google News page. Man, was I sucked in by this (no pun intended). Next you're going to tell me that those penis growing pills don't work...

Tell Us About The Taint

Is there anyone original in the media? It’s like they follow each other around repeating the same stuff again and again and again.

On a purely childish aside: every time they say “taint” I giggle…

Get the latest news satire and funny videos at 236.com.

Even the Secret Service are Tired of His Shit

The dude manages to get BOTH shoes off and chuck them one at a time… where was the Secret Service detail? Checking their calendars? “Less than 40 days and I’m outta here… hey, is that a shoe? Whoa… is that another one?!”

Doing Time on Spank Bank Friday

In honor of a friend whose son is having--shall we say--a slight disagreement with members of the local law enforcement, I present this special Spank Bank Friday: COPS! edition.

Not sure who any of these guys are, but I wouldn't mind sharring a cell with them... of course, only in a Falcon Video* or Chi Chi Larue Film* sort of way...

I believe this is Britney's first husband.
Keeping up with the Spears, Mr. Alexander?

Every prison needs a bitch.
"You gotta real purdy mouth, boy..."

*I'm not putting links to these... either you know them, or you don't, but I wouldn't recommend you straight guys or gals go looking for them--it could effect you in ways you never thought possible.

Been There, Ate That...

After every Thanksgiving I vow never to eat again. Ever. Then the holiday parties start and I'm stuffing myself, because I'll never eat again (I mean it this time... sort of).

I feel for this dog...

Google Me This, Batman!

I've been fascinated with the Google search feature that seems to anticipate my searches. I'm usually needing the information in a hurry--as I'm a procrastinator--so I can rarely stop and check out the other search ideas Google comes up with.

Well, a fine young man at YesButNoButYes did some research on this and found some hysterical results. I did a check to see if this was a bit of Photoshop manipulation... sure enough, it's pretty much right on.

Go on and try it. Type in...

...my ass


...my girlfriend...

...my boyfriend...

...my crotch...

seriously... If you need to search that, call a doctor.


...my cat...

I like the 7th one down... does that happen a lot?



...my dog...

I think the bottom two should be reversed...


...my fart...

LOVE the second one... and the last? Duh?

...my hand...

"My hands are bananas"? Really? Someone's done a search on that?
I looked at this again... all credit for this goes to Baierman at YesButNoButYes. I don't want to take credit for his comedic efforts. However, for the record, I did do my own searches for the images and the comments at the bottom are mine...

Airbag Rhapsody


I never knew this could happen...



I can't imagine how many times I've put myself on the very edge of this happening. My voice sucks, so I always turn up the music so loud I can't hear myself "singing." This explains why I'm almost deaf... and that my airbags have probably been stolen.

"My Wife Would Love One"



I'll bet...

Been There, Done That...

A Smattering of Spank Bank Friday

Every now and again, I stumble across a picture that makes me go all googily inside. Here are some of my recent googilies.

Let's begin with Andy Cohen, Senior V.P. at the gayest network EVER BRAVO. He hosted the season finale of one of their gayest shows EVER Flipping Out. He's adorable, has a great voice... and slightly crossed eyes. Andy is one of those guys I call "imperfect perfection": the mere fact that he has flaws makes him perfect. This is not one of his best pics, but it's one of the best quality. He's got a "really hot, but still an every guy" quality that gets the googilies googling.*

Next up we have Chris Russell who makes what I call "very, very specialized documentaries"... um, kind of a biological study of men. This is one of the rare shots of Mr. Russell with his tighty-whities on.

Jed Hill. He's pretty.

Jeffrey Beck. He's pretty... and naked.

Mauricio Camacho. I would just like the thank God for giving me eyes...**

*Not to be confused with Googling, which is a whole different kettle of fish...

**And all the members of the Academy who voted for me.

Drink up, Bitches!

Today is the 75th anniversary of the 21st Amendment to the Constitution, also known as the repeal of prohibition! So drink up, America! It’s your constitutional right.

Awkward!

I love Santa on the right... "just don't look at 'em... keep looking away and they won't notice you..."

Cat in Bucket

Funny in theory... dull as dirt in reality:

V-V-Videos

For a brief moment, I thought this was real:



Prop. 8: The Musical!

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Upside uʍop


¿ʇɥƃıɹ lǝǝɟ ʇ,uop ʇsnɾ sƃuıɥʇ uǝɥʍ sʎɐp ǝsoɥʇ ɟo ǝuo ǝʌɐɥ ɹǝʌǝ