The Most Important News Story… EVER



Paris has been released from jail. Justice has been served. Her debt, repaid. Let the church bells ring!

And I’m supposed to give a shit because…?

Honestly, I don’t get it. If the press hadn’t kept a constant watch on this, I would have forgotten all about it. Why won’t they let me forget about Paris Hilton? Why, God… why?

And who are these fucking idiots that are seriously concerned about what happens to her? This is what you are concerned about? Paris… Hilton. Not this. Not this. Not this. But this.

Douche-bags. All of ‘em… f’ing douche-bags. Especially, the guy below. He’s the douche in the douce-bag.

Monday Debrief

I saw Kathy Griffin this weekend at the old Paul Masson Winery. Hysterical. Absolutely hysterical. I can’t stop thinking about her “Paris Hilton walk.” If you get a chance to see her—see her! It’s worth it.

A co-worker is doing a bit of modeling for a student who owns an online pants company called Bononos. If you’re athletic and looking for pants that will accommodate your “athletic thighs” like Louis, then this is the site for you. Me? I need something for fat thighs and gut, but no ass. Where’s my site? (besides this.)

fyi: Yes, that's how the picture is posted on their site... it's their joke and I'm not going to mess with it...

Happy Gay Pride!

Sometimes, you just have to celebrate the love...

Gay and lesbian kisses:



Francesco D'Macho & Francois Sagat first kiss (talk about an amazing first kiss… wow.)


[Double-click on this and you'll go to the 'Age Confirmation' page at YouTube--For goodness' sake, they're just kissing! Sexy, sexy kissing, but still kissing. 'phobes...]

No One Under 17 Admitted...



Apparently, my use of the words penis and gay have given this blog an NC-17 rating. Who knew I was that salty? Fuckin' A!

Romney's Boys

I’ve been particularly displeased with the Democrats lately (their inability to get their shit together, capitulating to Dubya, etc.) but I have had no desire to vote for a Republican for President.

Until now.

I’m not into Mitt, per se, but his boys? Hubba-fucking-hubba! The boys have their own blog (isn’t that sweet? Isn’t that hip?). But the best part is that totally fake “we’re just a big normal, fun family” BS they push.

Isn’t is just so much fun that they get to “make fun of each other publicly”? You guys! And boy, do those Romney boys love their baseball! Lots of shots of them at “awesome” ballparks! You guys are just so normal, I almost forget your Mormon.

The thing is, I’m eating up with a spoon. Sure, I know it’s cheesy—but I love me some cheese! And those boys are mighty easy on the eyes. Does it bother me that they are most-likely homophobes? Probably not as much as it bothers them that gays are drooling over their hotness.

Especially, Tagg… well, maybe it’s Matt. Then again, Ben’s sporting a groovy beard—and I dig that. …sigh… decisions… decisions… You know, I think I’m going to go with Josh. I’ve been seriously shvitzing over Josh. Yes, definitely Josh.

So, Josh, maybe we can catch a ballgame together? Call me.

"Gilbert Got A Job!"


I start my new job baking this Friday/Saturday. It’s a one-day a week gig, at a "cupcakery" in beautiful San Mateo, CA. I work only one day a week: Fridays from Midnight until 6:00am—possibly 8:00, if it’s really busy.
This is for my externship at PCI. I have to get 240 hours in to get my degree. If I were working a typical 8 hour shift, I would be done in 6 weeks. At my current rate of one six-hour shift a week, I will have my externship completed sometime next spring. Hey, I don’t want to tax myself…

I’m looking forward to the job. I worked this last weekend to see if they liked me and I liked the job. I guess since they offered me the job, they liked me. Or, they were up against a wall… either way, I’m a baker!

The sleep thing isn’t too much of a problem. I slept for four hours before my shift and then another four when I got home after—so I was able to get a full night’s sleep and still be up by 10:00am. All in all, not too shabby.

Hopefully, I’ll have some fun tales of the bakery to tell—I’m praying none of them will end with “…and they had no choice but to let me go.” OR “…I just kept running until they stopped chasing me.”

[If anyone out there is curious about the title of this piece, it comes from when I used to work at the movie theatres years ago. I met with this kid—Gabriel—for his first ever interview. He was so nervous, it was kind of sweet. That night, I called his house to let him know he got the job and asked for Gabriel. His uncle answered the phone, and when I told him where I was calling from, he yelled out to the family, “Hey, Gilbert got a job!” It wasn’t so much that he yelled this out to the family, as his amazed tone that Gilbert actually managed to get a job. (Gilbert didn’t last too long—I guess his family knew him pretty well…)

After that, whenever one of the managers would finish and interview and we were going to hire the person, we’d walk in the office and call out, “Gilbert got a job!”]

Matthew Shepard, Part II

Have you heard about Aaron Hall? No? Neither has most of America, yet on April 12, he was beaten and left to die by two homophobes in Indiana. The reason no one has heard is because only one paper has reported about it. The local paper. No other paper has picked up the story. Good thing they aren’t reporting on anything frivolous like Paris Hilton…

The only people covering it are the bloggers. Read about it HERE and HERE.

Worst Idea... EVER

As reported in Variety, there is a plan to remake The Big Chill. First, why can't Hollywood come up with something original? Two, why must they remake a great movie, instead of finding some old piece of crap no one ever saw and fix it? Third, if you're going to remake a good movie, how about remaking something where the cast couldn't easily reprise their roles?

Apparently, they are going with an all-black cast to be "edgy." Will Eddie Murphy be playing all the parts?

[UPDATE: A friend of mine has suggested a title for this all-black version: We Be Chillin'.]

A Sixteen-Year Wait… Over.

When I was a kid, I saw the movie Earthquake with Charlton Heston wearing these really cool shoes. (I think back then, I called them ‘groovy’.) I searched high and low for them, but couldn’t find them—mostly, because they were out of style. Then, one day, I happened by MacDonald’s Department Store (not to be confused with the lowland Scot McDonald’s of French Fry fame…) and saw them. Yes, they were no longer in style, but they were good enough for Chuck to save greater Los Angeles, by gum, they were good enough for me!

Thus, started my rather unfortunate habit of wanting something and never letting it go, even when it would be better to move on. When I was a kid, I saw a picture of a castle in National Geographic and I was fascinated by it. Ten years later, my brother’s girlfriend was in my room, saw the image on my bulletin board and said she’d been there! Eventually, the questions get answered, one just needs to develop patience—a continually difficult lesson for me to learn.

Jump forward to 1991, where one of my favorite shows was Northern Exposure. I absolutely adored it. It was funny, quirky, and was supported by an amazing cast of characters and actors. Plus, I had a huge thing for John Corbett and developed my eternal love for the nice Jewish boy from Rob Morrow.*

One of my favorite episodes was in the second season, titled “Spring Break.” Yes, this was the infamous Running of the Bulls episode: all the men in town streaking. (Any chance to see young Mr. Corbett with his shirt off was a good episode in my book.)

In this final scene (the running of the bulls) there was this amazing song—sweet, mysterious, lovely. I’d never heard it before or since. I only heard it while watching this episode. Later, I bought the VHS tape of that episode, strictly to get the information on the name of the song. Neither the box nor the credits listed the songs.

So, for sixteen long years I’ve wondered about this song. It was so great, surely it will make an appearance somewhere else, right? Nope. Nada. Zilch.

However, today, I was reading the A.V. Club at The Onion and someone posed the question on Ask The A.V. Club regarding a song from another TV show. I thought about writing them, but then thought that maybe, just maybe it might be located somewhere on the great world wide web. Three clicks later, I found it.

Just like that. Click. Click. Click.

TV.com—which I’d never heard of until Google showed me the way—has extensive information on Northern Exposure. I found my episode and along with all the other details on this particular episode (writer, director, guest star, quotes) was music. I knew four of the eight songs, so I put the first one into iTunes, clicked to listen, and viola!

The song is by Lindsay Buckingham** (of Fleetwood Mac fame). I don’t know if it holds up for sixteen years, but listening to D.W. Suite brings a smile to my face—even after sixteen long years.

So, that’s one more off the list! Now I need to see if I can find that shirt Peter Gallagher wore in Summer Lovers…

[UPDATE: Well, I downloaded the entire song (I was only able to sample 30 seconds on iTunes) and it's a piece of shit. The part they played on Northern Exposure was the first minute of the SIX MINUTE-LONG SONG. Six friggin' minutes! The rest of the song completely sucks, it goes off in two other pointless directions. Awful. Just awful. Maybe some things are better left unfound...]


*Still crushing on Corbett... Morrow, not so much.
**Coincidentally, he is appearing at The Mountain Winery in Saratoga, CA this Thursday night.

Schadenfreude

I have to admit I’m thoroughly enjoying this and this and this…

Picture (c) 2007 NTL World

Another (Big, Thick, Uncut) Point for the Gay Man

I love me some Andrew Sullivan—not only is he smart and has a great blog, but he’s pretty easy on the eyes.

However, if I didn’t love him for all the political information he disseminates on his blog, I love him more for this bit of information of a scientific study on penis length:

“…the British Journal of Urology (BJU) International, finds that the average erect penis is about 5.5 to 6.2 inches long and about 4.7 to 5.1 inches in circumference.”

For once in my life, I’m above average. Thank you, Andrew, thank you very much.

Seriously, 5.5 inches is the average? That means that there are guys on either side of that scale. I have been with enough guys and watched enough porn to know that there is a significant number of men out there with way more than 5.5 inches…

While the study did not stress the correlation between sexuality and penis size, I guess the guys on the lower end of the scale must be straight. Go look at the straight porn: big boobs, okay penises. Then check out the gay porn: Big, Bigger, Biggest!

Yes, I know I have a vast collection of porn, but that is because I'm usually obsessing over a particular actor*... and for the articles.

Go on straight boys, get married. Whatever works for you. I’ll have to be content to never be married… and to be hung huge.**






*Francesco D’Macho, Jason Ridge, Johnny Hazzard, Chad Hunt, Ken Ryker, Rick Chase, that guy from Detention that can swallow at 13” kielbasa (Matt Summers?), etc.

**SOURCE: Julie Raia, 1991 (seriously, she’s one of the few women to ever see it and that’s what she said—of course, she’s probably comparing it to a straight guy’s dick)

What. The. F*ck?

Paris Hilton was released to house arrest today, after serving only five days of her 45 day sentence. I guess money and infamy makes you above the law.

If this happened to me, my ass would be in jail. Yours too. One can only hope that the "medical reasons" stated for her release were that they did not want her to infect the other inmates with whatever skanky diseases she most probably is carrying.

She is only a couple more years of hard partying and bad plastic surgery before she looks like this:

In a way, I do feel bad for her: she obviously has no one around her who really cares for her. If she did, they would have her serve out her full sentence in jail so she could learn a serious lesson. She will not change--and if (when?) she kills someone with her drunk driving, she had better go to prison--not jail, but PRISON. I'm talking San Quentin.

She has no respect for the law or anyone else--including herself. This will end badly, of that, I am certain.

Das Popemobile

Bit of a ruckus at The Vatican today, as someone tried to jump into Pope Benedict XVI’s Jeep as he was greeting crowds at St. Peter’s Square. What cracks me up about the reporting of this incident is that everyone states the pontiff was tooling around in his “popemobile.” Carl Kasell, the NPR newscaster with the extremely serious and professional tone, kept saying “popemobile.” I giggled through the entire story.

It’s not everyday that the Pope being attacked can make you laugh… then again, I am talking about Benedict XVI—not exactly a man who doesn’t make one all warm and fuzzy inside:

Show Your Support

If you don’t know Mike Jones, you are missing out on an important person in gay history: he’s the man that showed the complete hypocrisy of the Christian Right’s anti-gay movement, by outing Rev. Ted Haggard. If being gay can be ‘prayed away’, why couldn’t Ted do it? Because it can’t be.

Mike wrote a book on the experience--on sale now at Amazon. Buy it. Read it. Talk about it.

UPDATE: I read the book... um, it's okay. Some of it rang false to me, but I do believe him when he says that Ted was seeing him for several years. I think he helped to hasten the Republican fall, but I don't think he's quite as angelic as he tries to sell us on the fact that he is. A quick and easy read, with nary a big word to slow you down...

Keith Olbermann: “The entire government has failed us.”




I agree whole-heartedly. As a Democrat, I'm done. Finished. Game over. I will not give another dime, nor will I lend any support to the Democrats. They guys had ONE job mandated by the American people: end this. End it now. As bad as the Republicans are, at least they have the will to continue. Pelosi and the rest of the Democrats just gave up!

I am disgusted with all of them...

Worst Headline... Ever.

Oh, if you didn't know anything about what's happening in San Francisco politics right now, the above headline from the San Francisco Chronicle would appear to be extremely racist. Even knowing about what’s going on the headline seems ill-advised (it is San Francisco, after all).

NBC Passes (on) Stone

The fools at NBC have decided not to renew the contract for the man with the sexiest voice on television, Stone Phillips. I guess he was just too sexy for NBC--with that commanding voice, I would do anything he says.

ANYTHING. Are you hearing me, Stone? Any. Thing.*

Another reason not to watch NBC...

I'll leave you with this bit from Colbert Report, where Stephen and Stone had a gravitas-off:

Stephen: Dedicated surgeons worked for over twelve hours but were ultimately unable to reattach the goatee.

Stone Phillips: A word of warning, some of the images you are about to see are awesome.

Stephen: When the smoke cleared, both mugs were broken. And neither man could truly be called, world’s greatest grandpa.

Stone: But at this crab shack, the catch of the day was murder.

Stephen: Suddenly, and without warning, it became a real life game of Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Stone: In the immortal words of Butterfly McQueen: I don’t know nothing about birthin no babies!

Stephen: Toyboat toyboat toyboat.

Stone: Unique, New York, Unique New York Unique New York.

Stephen: A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk. But the stump thunk the skunk stunk.

Stone: Swim Sam, swim Sam, swim Sam. Show them you’re some swimmer. Swim like Snow White’s swan swam, you know how a snow white swan swam Sam. Six sharp shivering sharks are out to snap your limbs. So a swim well swum is a well swum swim so swim Sam swim Sam swim.

(sigh...)

psssst! Stone... call me!

*Seriously... look at those forearms!

Our Next President

As my friend Scooter said, “Can’t we just elect him now and be done with it?” Oh, man, after this speech, I hope so…

Hometown Hero

It's always a wonderful day when someone in your town makes the national news... and then there's this. I'm not sure what's worse, the fact that this guy got caught putting pot in candies, or that Hershey's is actually suing him for trademark infringement.

Like anyone really thought "Keef Kat" was really Kit Kat.* Seriously, Kit Kat's suck. (There. I've said it.) If anything is going to help those nasty buggers go down, then I say a little pot is worth it.

*"New! Improved! Now with MORE Pot!"

This Will Be Interesting…
The morons at Westboro Baptist Church—better known as “God Hates Fags”—will be protesting the funeral of one Jerry Falwell (click on the image above, I am not putting a link to those assholes). I've never been one to really enjoy funerals, but I am sure that is going to be one very interesting morning.

The Christian Right has turned a blind eye to the “Reverend” Phelps, and now they are about to get a stick poked into it. We’ll see how understanding they are now that it’s happening to them.

Final (cheap) Shot

The Rev. Jerry Falwell - founder of the Moral Majority and the face of the religious right in the 1980s - died Tuesday after being found unconscious in his office, a Liberty University executive said.

Ron Godwin, Liberty's executive vice president, said Falwell, 73, had been found unresponsive around 10:45 a.m. and was taken to Lynchburg General Hospital.

Godwin said he was not sure what caused the collapse, but noted that Falwell had "a history of heart challenges."

I’m sure there is no reason to believe that Rev. Falwell was found with drug paraphernalia and an underage male prostitute of undetermined race in the room with him when his heart was challenged. No reason at all… However, with absolutely no evidence, that it was the drugs and the ‘cheap trick with the six-pack abs’ that caused his heart to flutter something fierce.

The non-existent underage male-whore was not heard to exclaim, “But he said he loved me!”

Also, there is no evidence that he’d been exchanging salacious massages with Ted Haggard. None whatsoever.

What does it say when “a man of God” dies and there are so many people out there that truly despise him? How much of the Message of God did he not understand? A man had died and I am sure his family will miss him… I, however, will not.

Like This is Going to Stop Me...

Sometimes, a man's gotta do, what (and who) a man's gotta do... and damn the consequences.

Throw Her Ass in Jail

Paris Hilton—a woman who only thinks about Paris Hilton—is upset that because, as a result of her repeatedly breaking the law, her skinny ass is being sent to jail. Boo-freakin’-hoo. She claims that this is the result of her being made an example of because she’s famous. What, exactly, is she famous for? Famous for not doing anything. Famous for partying too much. Famous for being drunk.

Now, some douche-bag Joshua has an online petition to the Governator to pardon her because (get this Paris “provides hope for young people all over the US and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives".

Hope? Hope for what? That your daddy is the heir of a huge fortune and that you get some of that cash, but you contribute nothing to society? Beauty? Oh, Anna… Anorexia… they’re calling for you. Excitement? Ooh, what party is Paris going to get drunk at next? Will she see Lindsay there? Will they argue? Will I give a crap?

I do enjoy how her mother is being supportive of her, “stands behind her” and is angry at the court. Lady, you are her parent—this is your fault. You let your kid go out and party in high school because you couldn’t be bothered to act like a parent. It’s too late now, but don’t blame others for making an effort to correct your mistakes.

I can not put it any better than this: Paris wants you to “sihn” the petition. Christ, all that money and the skank (skanque) can’t spell?

So, now I’m starting a petition*: Put Paris’ bony ass in jail! Start with the original 45 days the judge sentenced her to, another 45 for wasting our time with this frivolous story, another 45 for each time she’s been photographed staggering through the streets of L.A. drunk… I think that puts her in jail for at least a few years.

And if we’re lucky, she’ll be left there and forgotten.

Next case: Lindsay Lohan…






*Yes, there are those that are urging no clemency, but I am advocating for additional time.

Luke... I am your Postmaster!

File this under geeky-cool: we get to vote for the new Star Wars stamp being offered by the US Postal Service.

Use the Force—or in this case, the internet—and vote for your favorite stamp. I’m torn between Obi Wan Kenobi and Darth Vader stamps… oh, the constant struggle of good vs. evil.

I finally figured out why there is no Ewan McGregor (young Obi Wan) stamp: we’d all be licking the front of the stamp…

"Sperm Agenda"?
Oh. My. Gawd.




Power of the penis, baby. Power of the penis...

Women use the JackRabbit at work?

UPDATE: YouTube pulled the original video... this is another episode.
"He can give you a mouthful of sperm and a rectum full of sperm, but he won't give you no light bread [at Long John Silver's]." Classic!

Behold: I am The Sun!

You are The Sun

Happiness, Content, Joy.

The meanings for the Sun are fairly simple and consistent.

Young, healthy, new, fresh. The brain is working, things that were muddled come clear, everything falls into place, and everything seems to go your way.

The Sun is ruled by the Sun, of course. This is the light that comes after the long dark night, Apollo to the Moon's Diana. A positive card, it promises you your day in the sun. Glory, gain, triumph, pleasure, truth, success. As the moon symbolized inspiration from the unconscious, from dreams, this card symbolizes discoveries made fully consciousness and wide awake. You have an understanding and enjoyment of science and math, beautifully constructed music, carefully reasoned philosophy. It is a card of intellect, clarity of mind, and feelings of youthful energy.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Father of the Year

Note to self: the next time Alec Baldwin calls—pick up the phone! The man loathes voicemail…

A lot is being made over this Alec Baldwin yelling at his kid. Didn’t any of these critics have parents? Were none of them subjected to a rant from a parent where they went a little bonkers, yelling at them? What Ireland was subjected to was not child abuse, but childhood!

Every time my mother or father sat down with me to discuss something, I would secretly wish they would just scream at me and get it over with. Yelling lasted only a few minutes, discussions lasted for an eternity.

My parents did not yell much; they were not screamers. However, if I really f’d up? There would be yelling. Of that I could be assured. (Something tells me that Ireland has pulled the phone stunt on daddy a few times before.)

What my parents did not do was yell at me in front of other people. Whenever I would be at a friend’s house and their mom would start screaming at them, my fight-or-flight instinct would kick in*. There I was, heading for the door, with my buddy pleading, “Stay! Stay! For the love of God, she’s going to skin me alive!” Which only made me move to the door faster: Sorry, buddy, but if she’s going to threaten to kill her only son, what his she going to do to the kid down the street she can’t stand?

Two rules of parenting: no scars** and no witnesses. Don’t hit your kid in public, give them “the look”, or say, “Now see here!” and wait until you get home. Because we all know that what happens behind your well-manicured front yard, stays behind your well-manicured front yard. Sadly, for Alec, we are all witnesses.

Parents yell. Parents shout. Parents get to treat their kids in a way they would never treat a stranger. It’s called family. You yell, you insult, you tease… and then you forgive because you love each other.***

I’m not saying that what Alec did was right; I’m saying we’ve all ranted and been ranted at. We’ve all said things we wish we hadn’t, but those moments aren’t caught on tape.

In my book, bad parenting is putting that information out on the web and publicly involving your child in your custody battle. That, boys and girls, is abuse.

*I always opted for flight
**Emotional scaring does not apply—otherwise, what’s the point of being a parent?
***Or because YOU want to stay in The Will and THEY don’t want you to put them in a lousy nursing home.

So much sadness. Hopefully, we will learn from this. We will move on, but let us never forget.

Love Me Some Google

1. go to www.google.com
2. click on "maps"
3. click on "get directions"
4. type "New York" in the first box (the "from" box)
5. type "London" in the second box (the "to" box)
6. press on "get directions" button
7. scroll down to step #24

"Tacos Rule!"

I think this explains everything...

Ladies and Gentlemen:
The Completely Heterosexual Ted Haggard

I love the blog Joe. My. God. It’s great, he’s hot and he always has something on there that either makes you think or laugh (or sometimes get pissed).

Today, he offers a laugh…



...what a fun way to start off a Monday.

Too Hot for Friday

Oh. My. Gawd. Well, at least I now know what I'll be for Halloween.

Isn't Treason an Impeachable Offense?

It's seems the press has finally gotten some balls and the talk of impeaching Dubya is starting to get some traction. Let's hope it does.



I think it would be perfect for Hillary to run on a platform of "restoring dignity to the White House."

Does the Man Not Eat?

"I'm a-powerful hungry"

Why is it whenever Bush travels outside the U.S. all he can talk about is food? When he went to Germany a few years back—he kept talking about a pig they were roasting for him. I believe he mentioned it three times.

"It will be a very tasty pig..."

His most recent trip is another fine example of the man traveling on both an empty stomach and head—he seemed obsessed with being fed.

Somebody get this guy a sandwich so he can start making rational decisions!

"I'm a-cookin' fer ya, Dubya!"*

*Alternative quote: "I'm as annoying as Shrub--with fewer casualties!"

Alternative, Alternative quote: "I'm a skank."

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: Sexy, Bitch!




Look at that sexy, sexy man! Whoo! You go boy!

No? You don’t think so? Tell that to the government who has found a man they are in love with. Someone who is taking the fall for every last terrorist attack of the last 15 years. Osama bin Who? Forget him. He was small potatoes. It’s all about their sexy boy-toy Khalid Sheikh Mohammed.

According to press releases, Khalid has “confessed”* to:

• 2001 attack on the US
  
• 1993 attack on the World Trade Center
  
• The beheading of Daniel Pearl (yeah, he did it himself…)
  
• Attempted shoe bombing of American Airlines Flight 63 from Paris
  
• Managing and following up on the Cell for the Production of Biological Weapons, such as anthrax and others, and following up on Dirty Bomb Operations on American soil
  
• Assassination attempt against Pope John Paul II while he was visiting the Philippines

Not widely reported are Khalid’s admitting to:

• Killing Anna Nicole Smith (“I am Dannielynn’s father…”)
  
• Introducing Tom Cruise to Scientology (“It was a joke… we were drunk”)
  
• The cancellation of Arrested Development (“More ‘The War at Home’! Fun-ny!")
  
• The election of George Bush in 2000 (“Ever see Katherine Harris and I in the same room?”)
• Produced Basic Instinct 2 (“What? I’m dating Sharon Stone!”)
  
  And last…
  
• The Planning for the Invasion of Iraq (“It worked perfectly from my end…”)

*Those bruises and scars were already there—I swear!

General Pace Can Suck My Dick (the bible says so)

Marine General Peter Pace certainly is living in the past, isn’t he? The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs was recently quoted as saying that “homosexuality is immoral.”

Once again, these holier-than-thou jerks are playing at taking the moral high ground. Gen. Pace, I would like you to meet Rev. Haggard.

Let’s peruse the bible for a moment and… hey, what’s this? Why it’s the Ten Commandments! Let me see here… sucking dick… sucking dick… disco… Cher… sucking dick… titty clamps… Matt Sanchez/Rod Majors… Nope. No mention of homosexuality. But, what’s this? I believe it’s God’s Commandment: THOU SHALT NOT KILL. Hey, how’s that Iraq thing going? You know the one with over 600,000 Iraqis dead? Wow… now who’s immoral? That’s what I thought.

Personally, anyone named Peter should be very careful about discussing sexuality…

What's In My Five

A friend emailed me and asked me to email her my top five movies. Is she freaking kidding me? FIVE? How can I limit it to five? Is that drama or comedy? Combined? Kill me. Kill me right now.

I decided to go with my top five comedies, because I like comedy more. I compiled a nice list (in no particular order) and then went about picking my top five… which I narrowed down to a minuscule 108 films.

I was able to group the list into 20 films and even those into two groups, but beyond that, I can’t go any lower. Most of these films float back and forth depending on my mood, the time of day, if I’m hungry, who I am with, etc.

Below is my Top Ten, quickly followed by my Top Twenty… which is (surprise!) followed by everything else. I don’t expect you to agree with my choices, but they are just that: my choices.

I should probably apologize in advance—I threw this list together from some other lists I had and moved things around, so some movies may have accidentally been repeated. Let me know if you agree, disagree, or feel I may have neglected one of your favorites. However, remember this: If I don’t like it, then it probably wasn’t funny.

My Top Comedies

1. Blazing Saddles
   
2. It’s A Mad Mad Mad Mad World


3. What’s Up, Doc?


4. Desk Set


5. Nobody’s Fool


6. Noises Off!


7. The Producers (1968)


8. His Girl Friday


9. The 40 Year-Old Virgin


10. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off



11. Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle


12. SOB


13. The Philadelphia Story


14. Victor/Victoria


15. Network


16. Stuart Saves His Family


17. Young Frankenstein


18. Tootsie


19. Caddyshack


20. Diner



21. Groundhog Day


22. Best in Show


23. The Aristocrats


24. Moonstruck


25. Shaun of the Dead


26. Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House


27. Broadcast News


28. Bull Durham


29. Dr. Strangelove


30. A Mighty Wind


31. Borat Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan


32. Office Space


33. Fast Times at Ridgemont High


34. Private Benjamin


35. There’s Something About Mary


36. Airplane!


37. Arthur


38. Auntie Mame


39. 10


40. 1941


41. Strictly Ballroom


42. Ninotchka


43. Some Like It Hot


44. Take the Money and Run


45. This is Spinal Tap


46. When Harry Met Sally


47. National Lampoon’s Animal House


48. Raising Arizona


49. Silver Streak


50. The General


51. Ghostbusters


52. Ace Ventura Pet Detective


53. Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert


54. Bad News Bears


55. The Big Picture


56. Billy Madison


57. Reality Bites


58. Galaxy Quest


59. Brother, Where Art Thou?


60. The Ref


61. Army of Darkness


62. Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery


63. Back to the Future


64. Foul Play


65. Girls Just Want to Have Fun


66. Happy Gilmore


67. He Said, She Said


68. History of the World, Part I


69. Home Alone


70. Kentucky Fried Movie


71. Meatballs


72. Miss Congeniality


73. My Best Friend’s Wedding


74. My Favorite Year


75. Parenthood


76. Pee Wee’s Big Adventure


77. Planes, Trains, & Automobiles


78. The Princess Bride


79. Quick Change


80. Elf


81. Zoolander


82. Real Genius


83. The Return of the Pink Panther


84. Risky Business


85. The Ritz


86. Old School


87. Team America: World Police


88. Monster’s Inc.


89. Shrek


90. Shrek II


91. Roxanne


92. The Sandlot


93. Seems Like Old Times


94. She’s Having A Baby


95. Sixteen Candles


96. So I Married an Axe Murderer


97. Splash


98. Stripes


99. Supergirl (unintentional comedy, but a comedy none-the-less)


100. Thank God It’s Friday


101. Trading Places


102. The Trouble with Angels


103. Waiting for Guffman


104. Wayne’s World


105. What’s New Pussycat?


106. Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


107. Without a Clue


108. Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown

Score 100%* for Chrismatica™

Ellen certainly did well last night, didn’t she? Funny, witty, charming… much like the Chrismatica™ picks for this years Oscars™!

Let’s check out how we did:


Best Picture: The Departed. Called it!

Best Actress: Helen Mirren Called it!

Best Actor: Forest Whitaker Called it!

Best Supporting Actress: That American Idol chick… Called it!

Best Supporting Actor: Alan Arkin Called it!

Best Director: Martin Scorsese Called it!

Best Animated Film: Happy Feet Called it!

Best Documentary Feature: An Inconvenient Truth Called it! [You know FOX “News” is just squirming over this one… heh, heh, heh…]

Best Foreign Language Film: Pan’s Labyrinth D’Oh!

Best Original Screenplay: Little Miss Sunshine Called it!

Best Adapted Screenplay: Notes on a Scandal D’Oh!

Best Original Score: Babel Called it! **

Not bad…




*For the “Top Six”: Picture, Actor, Actress, Supporting Actor, Supporting Actress, and Director.

**Total guess, but I still got it right!

Snow Melts


I love it when these bastards get hit and hit hard. It's about time that the press corps stands up to the White House and their Bullsh**. Check it out the transcript and video of Tony Snow attempting to duck the increasingly hostile questions from the White House Press Corps.

Bush claims to support the troops, but his version of support is to send more men and women into harms way, while giving substandard care to the injured, as reported by the Washington Post.

I think it's time we start talking about impeachment--this clown has got to go. I don't care if it is less than 700 days away, it's 700 too many.

Anna Nicole is ALIVE!

While the sad and tragic story of Anna Nicole Smith continues to unfold in the courts—her “family,” “friends,” and “lovers” are all fighting over her body, child and—MOSTLY—her money.

Yet, her spirit lives on… apparently, in the sad and tragic mess that is Britney Spears. I’m sure you’ve heard about the shaving her head, getting annoying tattoos, and then going in (and-out-and-in-again-and-out-again-and-in-yet-once-more) to rehab.

As my dear friend Michele noted, “I feel like I ought to feel sorry, or at least pity, for her because she's a woman obviously in need of help, but I can't quite muster it up.” The chick is a mess and has the resources to take care of it—Doesn’t this woman have a family? What about her Label--they have a vested interest in keeping that cash cow mooing along. Certainly, she needs to get her act together for her kids.

I was starting fully immerse myself in the schadenfreude-ishness of this whole mess, when I remembered All of Me. Think about it… it all makes sense, doesn’t it? Anna has taken over Brittney’s body and managed to lower her IQ even more (hardly thought possible).

Someone get a Prahka and a bowl... we've got work to do!

"And The Oscar Goes To..."

Time was, the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences would post its nominations for the Oscars and I would scratch my head and note that I had missed seeing one of the films (on bad years, it was two!). This year I looked at the list and struggled to find one movie I had seen.

Eventually, I found it (Borat), but I did manage to see a few more, although my count is up to a paltry 10… (of which only four are in the total of 14 films in the top six categories).

That said, let it never be said that Chrismatica™ is not willing to compete for the glory of Oscar and the rewards that it brings (sadly, neither monetarily, nor socially). So here are my predictions for the 2006 Academy Awards:

Best Picture: The Departed. No one saw any of these films, but this is the one they say is the best. Possible Upset: Little Miss Sunshine… but I doubt it.

Best Actress: Helen Mirren. From what I hear, she’s running unopposed…

Best Actor: Forest Whitaker. Possible Upset for Peter O’Toole, because he looks like he’s going to die at any minute. Another possible upset: Ryan Gosling will be let in the doors of the Academy without being stopped. Who is he? Seriously, who the heck is this guy?

Best Supporting Actress: That American Idol chick…

[REVISED] Best Supporting Actor: Alan Arkin —he’s old Hollywood (well, old by today’s standards) and it was a great performance. Possible Upset: Eddie Murphy—as long as they voted before Norbit came out…

Best Director: Too bad Martin Scorsese is going to win for a picture that is not nearly as good as any of his other films. He got the DGA award, it’s a lock.

Best Animated Film: Happy Feet (it’s got a freakin’ message). Cars could upset it, because those guys in LA LOVE their freakin’ cars…

Best Documentary Feature: An Inconvenient Truth. Everyone wants to see Al Gore win something. Possible Upset: The one about The Holocaust (there’s always one… and it always wins…)

Best Foreign Language Film: Let’s go with Pan’s Labyrinth. That looks good (No one sees these things, so it’s all about looks/feel).

Best Original Screenplay: Little Miss Sunshine It’s not going to win Best Picture, so we’ll give it a “good for you!” award.

Best Adapted Screenplay: Notes on a Scandal Lost at the WGAs, but it’s very “writerly” and I think they are already tiring over The Departed winner two big awards.

Best Original Score: Tough one… I’m sure the most awful will win, whichever that is. Let’s go with Babel, because when I closed my eyes and poked at the list, it’s the one I hit.

Shame on You

According to the White House, the insurgency in Iraq is being heavily sponsored by Iran. My gosh, what can we do about that?

Bush—I’m sure with great reservations—would want to attack Iran, so we can be greeted as liberators. However, the rest of the world—including a surprisingly skeptical Congress—is asking for proof.

And that just freaks Bush out.

Why would we doubt him? Sure, he completely exaggerated the reasons for going to war with Iraq—if one would consider complete lies an exaggeration. Where is the plutonium? Where are the weapons of mass destruction? Hell, where are those greeters that would be cheering us with flowers and calling us liberators? Considering how he walked into Iraq without knowing the difference between Sunnis and Shiites, well, maybe their trying to blow us up is actually a sign of affection?

Mr. Bush, they have a saying in Texas—I I know it's in California, probably in Texas — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again.

Maybe They’re Just Not Into Me…


A few weeks back I had a date with this guy I’ll call Karl* We met online (already you can see a happy ending, right?). We seem to hit it off, going back and forth in emails, he was adorable, he said the right things, and I was very into him.

We try for a few weeks for a “date”** and finally find a mutually agreed upon time and place—his place, Saturday at 1:00pm. He calls to move it to 3:00… then to 6:30… then to 8:00. I was filled with confidence that it was something he wanted to do.

I met him at his place and he seemed to be pretty nice. We had a number of similar interests (besides fucking) and we had what I think was a pretty nice time. Then, he shut off. I mean, it was literally like someone turned off a switch in him and he was so incredibly not into me at all. Did I mention that this was in the middle of me fucking him? No? Because I think that’s important.

[CAUTION: Graphic stuff my sister will NOT want to read ahead]
I’m not so much an ass man—sure, I like the butt. I like to stick certain appendages into another man’s nether regions, but that appendage would be my dick. Not my fist. But, I’m a nice guy and while the whole hand doesn’t go in—enough fingers went in to… uh… okay, it was three. I had three friggin’ fingers in and my hand was cramping like nobody’s business. We had fucked, rested a bit and now I was trying to get him back into the game.
[Okay, Alix, you can read again]

Being the trouper that I am, I assist him in “getting his cookie.”*** However, I can not say that Karl did the same for me. Apparently, his violent—freakishly long and intense—orgasm did not turn the switch back on. In fact, he seemed to become even less interested in me—which until that point I thought impossible.

We said our goodnights and I thought about it on my long ride home with my very blue balls: what did I do or not do that got him to go from 90 to zero in three seconds? I did everything he asked, nay, begged me to do.

I sent him a “thanks” email the next day and asked him to send me a link he’d mentioned the night before. I was hoping for a “sorry you didn’t get off” note back, or even a “it’s not you, it’s me” note.****

He sent nothing. I never heard from him again.

Fuck the fucking fucker. I moved on.

So, Friday I went to The City for a beer and hoping to have a nice time—not necessarily meet someone, but to have a good time. Which is a total lie, because every time I have met someone in SF, it’s been a Friday.

Moments after arriving, I was standing in the patio of this bar and I see this somewhat attractive Hispanic guy talking to another guy. I kept looking over at Hispanic Guy because he seemed cute. But, the way he was talking to the Black Guy, I figured they were into each other and walked away.

A minute later, Hispanic Guy walks up and introduces himself. I’ll call him “HG”. HG was really sweet, we had much in common, not only on basic things (we both hate fish) but on issues like relationships (don’t like dating guys claiming to be in “open relationships” or having an open relationship).

He asked me if I wanted another beer and we walked to the bar. Under the light of the bar I got a clear look at him: Oh. My. God. Stunning. Gorgeous eyes, beautiful smile, and just so wonderful to look at!

We moved from the patio back inside and that’s where I kissed him. Very out of character for me, but every cell in my body was screaming for me to do it. So I did it. And it was good.

He said he was a good pool player and put his name on the board to play. While we waited for his name to come up, we found a corner and made out.***** He was so lovely to kiss and he kept telling me how handsome I was—I just kept kissing him and thanking God HG has not been to an optometrist in a long time.

When it came time for HG to play pool, he kept blaming the table for all his missed shots. I found it adorable that he was worried I wasn’t impressed at his sucking at pool. It could not have mattered less. First, I’m a horrible pool player, and, second, he kept bending over to shoot, giving me a nice view of his cute butt.

HG barely won the first match and then went on to beat the next 5 guys easily. The man made some very incredible shots! I was initially in doubt as to his billiard skills, but ended up very impressed with this adorable guy.

About this time, the bar was getting ready to close and he came across a friend of his and a buddy of the friend. The buddy was very in to my man! When the bar closed and HG, HG’s friend, and I went outside, Buddy followed like a horny puppy. He made sure to note he was 24 and remark on everything HG would say with, “awesome” or or “cool” Or “I’ve heard that.” I really wanted to say, “You’ve heard it? Really? Tell us about it then, bullshitter!” But I didn’t want to come across as the jealous type.

I was even more dumbfounded that Buddy was as subtle as an anvil. When HG said he was parked “at the corner,” Buddy started on his oh-so-understated “so-o-o you like corners, do you?” type comments. Then, when HG was grabbing onto a No Parking post, Buddy started leeching out comments like, “so, you like poles, too. I like poles.” Yeah, I would have liked to have taken one of those poles and bashed it over Buddy’s head.

But—as I have said—I’m not the jealous type.

Finally, when Buddy said, “I totally need a ride home.” I groaned. I wanted to say, “You waited until fucking 2 o’clock in the fucking morning to fucking ask the last three guys at the bar for a ride home to Fremont?” Did I mention that HG lives in Fremont, too? I didn’t? Well, he fucking does and Buddy fucking knew it.

Realizing that HG’s friend was pushing hard on this whole thing with his “I’ve got plans and can’t take him home” comments. Who has plans at 2 o’fucking clock in the morning? “Call me tomorrow.” I said to HG as I left.

I liked the guy, but if he’s going to fall for some dip-shit 24 year-old drunk-ass bullshitter, then he’s not the man for me.

HG (my man!) called about ten on Saturday morning and we agreed to meet for lunch. He did not give Buddy a “ride home” or, for that matter, a ride home.

We sat across from each other in a booth at Chili’s (hey, it was Milpitas, what are you going to do?) and he wrapped my legs with his (It was more subtle than it sounds)******

After lunch, we went to a movie, so we could hold hands and make out. What I saw of the movie I liked and since it was raining really hard, we sat in my car afterwards and made out. It was wonderful!

I felt like a teenager breaking the rules. I’ll tell you, sitting in the back of the theatre, walking out and wanting to hold hands, making out in the car… it was all such secretive fun. Sure, it doesn’t matter if you’re gay, but we were in freakin’ Milpitas—they kill people for stuff like that there. I now know why people have affairs: it’s damn exciting stuff doing something that you might “get caught.” Even if it doesn’t matter if you do. I now get it.

Sitting in my car and steaming up the windows was everything I missed out on in high school. I didn’t have those experiences (because I didn’t want them with a girl), but this was my moment and I enjoyed every last second of it).

Since we are taking it slow (in the gay world we should have had sex about 12 times by this point) we weren’t going to go fuck somewhere, but we did want a place to at least snuggle and talk (I know… how gay!). He lives with two straight guys and I live with my sister who finds any kind of public display of affection annoying—double for the gays.

HG was tired, so I asked him if he wanted to go home, take a nap and then to give me a call when he woke up. He agreed, we kissed a little more…

…and that’s the last I have heard from him.

It is well over 24 hours past when he was supposed to call. That’s a mighty long nap… or he finally got to the optometrist...

While I am tempted to call, I don’t want to hear any lies. I would rather think that he’s just not into me, rather than have him make up some bullshit answer. “I meant to…” “You’re not going to believe this but…” or the classic “Something suddenly came up.”*******

However, the ever obsessive part of me continues to ponder what the hell I did to have him grabbing and groping me at one minute and then completely forget about me the next? What do I do to these guys that cause them not to let me down gently, but to run screaming from the room?

Before you say, I'm over-reacting to his napping and not calling—Did I mention that he mentioned Friday night that he doesn’t like to take naps, because he never really gets to sleep? Or am I being too subtle?













*Because Karl is his name.
**“date” in gay means “fuck.”
*** “Making sex is like a Chinese dinner: It ain't over 'til you both get your cookies.” Alec Baldwin, Outside Providence (1999)
****Which means “it’s so about you.
*****It’s a gay bar… I believe it’s a requirement—staking out territory and all that.
******For reals.
*******© Greg Brady (1973)


Update: I broke down and called HG. I got his voicemail. What was bothering me was the not knowing, but more than that was the waiting for him to call. I gave him the power over how this would go. I took it back… and instantly felt better. I guess I still wonder what happened, but right now, I have got more important things to worry about: school, work and a party I am going to this weekend (maybe I can meet someone else to obsess over for two days!)

Together Again...

According to ABC News, the sad, tragic, and fascinating life of Anna Nicole Smith has come to an equally sad, tragic and fascinating end. She did a lot of living in her 39 years.

So, who is going to play her in the movie? I smell a comback for Demi Moore...

God Bless Dan Savage

I love Dan Savage, besides writing one of the best (and most entertaining) sex columns in the country, he's a damn fine writer.

Read THIS. I love it when Republicans get put in their place and I love it more when "Log Cabin Republicans" get shut down... and I love it the most when it happens to anyone connected with the Bush Administration. Yeah... I'm LOVING this!

Anthony Castro – RIP


Scooter sent me this. It’s sad when someone young dies, sadder still when they have so much potential. I think it’s great that ESPN covered this—they tend to be (surprise!) very homophobic.

Oh, For the Love of Cruise!


According to The Sun, Tom Cruise is the new “Christ” of Scientology and that the 'church' leaders believe that in the future he "will be worshipped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion." I believe this to be true--as it has been written by the prophets: "When he pours, he reigns." Oh, Tom, watch over us...

So, let us turn to the Book of Suri and in Chapter 7, verse 9, we read: “And yeah, there is a balance to the Universe, for every ‘Top Gun,’ there lies an ‘Eyes Wide Shut;’ for every ‘Magnolia,’ there will be ‘Cocktail;’ for every ‘Jerry Maguire,’ let there be ‘Days of Thunder;’ for with ‘Born on the Fourth of July,’ there must be a ‘Losin' It.’ Work for the best, work for the worst, but always—yeah, ALWAYS—work for the paycheck. So sayeth Tom.”

And yes, like Christ, many wonderful, valuable, and inspiring quotes will be attributed to Him… none more so than: “Respect the cock... and tame the cunt. Tame it.” I'm not sure which book that's from, but it sounds like either Luke or John..."

I would be remiss, Mr. Cruise, if I did not mention that even Christ wouldn't make a piece of shit like Cocktail.

Get Behind Thee, Satan!



I saw this at The Socialite's Life blog (a daily must-read) and I couldn't stop laughing. Sure, there is something here that makes me wonder if it's real. But, there is such a sense of "truthiness" here that I'm willing to go with it.

As 'The Socialite' pointed out: keep an eye out for the real stars of this video: the scissors.

UPDATE: This has been revealed as to be staged. The girls are actors and this was a script that one of them wrote. They were on Good Morning America talking about it. I still laugh when I watch this because you just know somewhere this happened and some poor bastard is now married to it.

In other news...
Oscar nominations are out and Chrismatica© is having a tought time, because Chris hasn't gotten his out to a movie in a while and he's got no idea what's going to win. Plus, he's referring to himself in the third person, which is never a good sign...

Christmas is So Last Month...

I'm so behind on things like this. I could not stop laughing while watching this and I can't wait until next Christmas to post. Very clever--enjoy!