Slap & Tickle

Is it Friday yet…?

It’s official. I am addicted to coffee. I cannot function in the morning without a cup of Joe. Sure, a guy named Joe—tall, dark and devastatingly handsome—would be lovely, but nothing beats my morning cup of coffee.

I used to go down [heh, heh… I said “go down”] and get a mocha several times a week, just for a pick me up after late nights, or (more aptly) to kill some time in the morning by avoiding work. After a short while, I started to get a cup around the same time every day. This would last until I had blown most of my paycheck on mochas and bagels for weeks and weeks and I would have to stop… and then I would get really depressed.

I used to think it was because I didn’t have any money, but now I realize I was depressed because I didn’t have my morning jolt of java goodness. This sudden realization came to me because it happened again this morning.

I have been trying to work out these last few weeks, getting up at 4:30am and going to the gym. Along with working out, I’ve been trying to eat better, cutting out sweets, eating vegetables, not swallowing when I’m perusing glory holes… you know, the usual stuff.

Anyhow, this cutting back has also included coffee. I do drink a Red Bull in the afternoon for a much needed afternoon pick-me-up-off-the-f’ing-floor, but coffee was definitely a “no.” Then, this morning, Nanci calls me and asks a simple question for which I nearly removed her head. Okay, I didn’t yell, but I was smarmy and sarcastic. For those of you who know me, you may be saying, “And that’s different because…?” Well, let’s just say I was smarmy and sarcastic… only more so. So much so, that Nanci thought I was being a “real bitch.” [Meow. She was right, but MEOW!]

We had a small thank-you gathering at work and I grumpily arrived, grabbed for the coffee, which promptly did not come out of the urn, which made me even grumpier… if that's possible. After smacking the urn a few times, someone suggested “removing the bolt,” which immediately made me think of Star Wars (remember Luke removing R2-D2’s restraining bolt and comedy hijinks ensued?). I removed the bolt, the coffee poured, I took a sip of the rich Starbucks’ coffee, my mind began to whir, and I started a Star Wars riff about bolts, R2-D2, Luke, Chewbacca…

Not one F’ing person got it. Thankyouverymuch… I’ll be here all week. Try the veal.

I then walked around and chatted with everyone, being the friendly, funny and witty me that everyone has grown to love. They laughed, we cried, I changed their lives. Okay, we all laughed… I was crying on the inside, but that is only because my stupid Star Wars jokes were not flying. Don’t these people know anything about pop culture? I mean… REALLY!

Anyhow, I’m on a bit of a Starbucks’ high right now, sailing along and feeling groovy. I think I might even be in the mood to get some work done.

Yes, I said I was going to get some work done. We’ve just come off an extremely busy time at work—deadlines all over the place, lots of late nights—and I went into lazy mode the second it ended. Now I’ve got to get myself back up into the idea I need to get things done. Nothing on my agenda is big. I could probably do everything in a couple of hours, so it seems rather easy to put it off. And put it off, I have!

Must. Resist. Temptation. To. Slack.

I guess writing this would be considered slacking, so off to work I go…

…but first, another cup of coffee.