Slap & Tickle

AND THE 2004 NOMINEES ARE…
Last year, I had a 100% success rate at predicting the Oscars using my patent pending method called: Chrismatica™! In the order of their scores, here are this year’s Chrismatica™ predictions:

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
Don Cheadle - HOTEL RWANDA: Didn’t see it… and neither did anyone in the Academy. But everyone heard he was really good—and isn’t that what’s important?
Leonardo DiCaprio - THE AVIATOR: Hey, it’s that kid from Titanic! He’s still working… good for him.
Clint Eastwood - MILLION DOLLAR BABY: He’s going to get one for Best Directing, and it would be a little much to give him Best Actor, Director and Picture…
Johnny Depp - FINDING NEVERLAND: Brilliant role. Totally understated. Johnny is truly one of the most gifted actors of his generation. But, he’s practically made a career out of being peculiar, and no one wants a weird-o making an acceptance speech.
Jamie Foxx – RAY: Personally, I thought Clint and Johnny did a much better job. Both were extremely understated roles. Foxx did a dead-on impersonation of Ray Charles. In fact, it was so dead on that most of the Academy think they’re voting for the real Ray Charles…

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Alan Alda - THE AVIATOR: Hey, look it’s Hawkeye!
Clive Owen – CLOSER: Well, he IS British and the Academy LOVES British. Let’s face it: this was a slow year for supporting actors. He really should be happy to be nominated (because that’s where it ends for him).
Jamie Foxx – COLLATERAL: Now this is a performance not only worth nominating, but winning. He did a brilliant job in this film, but it’s an action film… with Tom Cruise. And the Academy hates Tom Cruise (well, Scientology… but to the Academy it’s pretty much the same thing—If the costar was Travolta, he wouldn’t have been nominated).
Thomas Haden Church – SIDEWAYS: A gifted performance in a brilliantly written role that most actors would kill for. Tommy-boy took it and ran with it. However, Paul Giamati in the lead role didn’t get nominated and it would be in poor taste to give him an Oscar and snub Paul…
Morgan Freeman - MILLION DOLLAR BABY: Who doesn’t love Morgan Freeman? Great actor, great voice, great presence and has consistently given many great performances. So what if this is a role he could do in his sleep? He is perfect in this role. The Oscar is more for his body of work than for this film, but it’s Morgan’s all the way.

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Imelda Staunton - VERA DRAKE: Who?
Catalina Sandino Moreno - MARIA FULL OF GRACE: ¿Quién?
Kate Winslet - ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND: Hey, it’s that chick from Titanic! She’s still working… good for her.
Annette Bening - BEING JULIA: What an amazing performance with an amazing role. Sublime and over-the-top at the same time. Magnificent. It seems like nothing can stop her… However, when Annette was nominated in American Beauty, she gave a brilliant performance and was all but guaranteed the Oscar… then Hilary Swank pulled the socks out of her top, stuck them in her pants and stole her award. Don’t look now Annette, but Hilary’s wearing a jock strap…
Hilary Swank - MILLION DOLLAR BABY: A really great role, but why does it seem like she’s done this before? Because she has. However, like Monster a year before, the Academy loves it when beautiful women play “ugly.” Somehow this is considered brave and that translates into “acting.”

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Sophie Okonedo - HOTEL RWANDA: Who?
Natalie Portman – CLOSER: Hey, it’s that chick from Star Wars! She’s still working… good for her.
Laura Linney – KINSEY: The Academy loves Laura, but everyone’s scared of sex right now (shhhhh… Bush might be listening)
Virginia Madsen – SIDEWAYS: My personal favorite. She’s resurrected herself from a former pretty “actress” into a real actress (her looks faded, she had to do something).
Cate Blanchett - THE AVIATOR: Normally, I’m not a fan of an impression, but Cate really played Kate well. It wasn’t just the voice or the look, but she captured the personality of Hepburn and took a movie that worked hard to make you believe you were in the 1930’s and made you feel like you really were in the 30’s. The kicker: The Academy adores the quirky best supporting actress… (Remember Marissa Tomei?)

BEST DIRECTOR
VERA DRAKE: A pro-choice movie in George Bush’s ‘merica? Don’t think so…
RAY: Taylor Hackford hasn’t directed anything of note since An Officer and a Gentleman. Hack/Hackford either/or. Not happenin’ Taylor…
THE AVIATOR: Poor Marty. Brilliant body of work and still nothing. The losing streak continues… (sadly, he will win someday, for some piece of junk. Remember Paul Newman won for Color of Money). The movie was good, but too long and had none of the subtleties of his earlier/better work.
SIDEWAYS: Nicely directed. But it’s a small picture way outside the studio system. Most importantly…
MILLION DOLLAR BABY: Are you going to say “No” to Clint Eastwood? Has anyone seen Peter Jackson since he beat Clint last year? ‘nough said.

BEST PICTURE
RAY: Nice biopic… but it’s already at Blockbuster, who wants to give an award to a movie that already has the outtakes showing around the world?
FINDING NEVERLAND: Deserving in so many ways, it’s just too intimate a film. Understated in so many ways, Oscar loves films an epic.
THE AVIATOR: Ultimately it’s about a really weird rich guy who liked flying.
SIDEWAYS: My personal favorite. Just a wonderfully crafted movie. Sadly for this film, Clint’s baby is going all the way.
MILLION DOLLAR BABY: Everything the Academy loves in a Best Picture: drama, wonderful relationships, great tragedy, narration by Morgan Freeman, a (sort-of) love triangle, a couple of characters you love to hate, overcoming great odds and a bittersweet ending. Since, it’s already going to rack up some big acting awards, they might as well give them The Prize—the Academy is not known for being subtle…