Slap & Tickle

Get Real…

US Weekly, the bastion of quality journalism, is reporting that Katie Holmes and Chris Klein have called off their engagement. A publicist for Holmes is quoted in the magazine as saying, "They broke off the engagement but are remaining good friends."

When are celebrities going to get real and act like humans when they break up? Where’s the drama? Where’s the public humiliation?

This is what I want to read (and it’s probably closer to the truth):

Katie Holmes and Chris Klein, two minor stars in the Heavens of Hollywood have broken off their engagement. Holmes is quoted as calling Klein a “cheating bastard,” and has stated she “hopes his tiny dick falls off. That’s right… you write that down! It’s T-I-N-Y. Tiny.”

Klein stated, “She [Holmes] is messed up… I’m hangin’ large—totally large,” he stated while playing “Halo2” in the living room of a bud’s North Hollywood condo. “She always wanted to snuggle after and… uh… but… damn, did I just die? F**K! This is her fault! Jerry, I want to beat those Covenant mother f***ers, let me go again… You know, [“actor” Christian] Bale banged her in his trailer…”

“That’s a f***ing lie!” retorted Holmes while shopping at the Beverly Mall. “Christian and I never went past second base…” One of her shopping pals quickly pulled her aside and whispered in her ear, to which Holmes shot back at the reporter, “…third base! Besides, he’s carrying the whole [Batman Begins] movie and he’s stressed. I was just there to help.”

Asked if they were going to remain friends, Holmes said, “Never! To think I let him…” and then ran into a changing room to cry. Klein responded, “No way. Unless she lets me go through backdoor again… then all right.” After some quick high fives with his buds, Klein was quickly lost his game.

Yeah. That’s what I want to see. Less Demi & Bruce and more Liza & David.