Slap & Tickle

Today, I am a reverend!

I was listening to the radio this morning (the FABulous Sarah & Vinnie) and Schutte (a producer) mentioned his status as a reverend. He got his certificate off the internet and is now an officially ordained minister.

Naturally, the first thing I did this morning was check out the site, get absolution (I’m clean as a whistle!) and then get ordained as a minister. Actually, I got ordained first and then got absolved.

The Universal Life Church (ULC) believes in just about anything I do—as long as it is legal. And you know, whatever a man and another man and another man and a donkey do in the privacy of their own home is legal as far as I’m concerned. God Bless the internet! As a legally ordained minister, I can bless the internet like that.

In fact, I can bless just about anything! I blessed my computer, my mouse, and my fish in my office. My phone and paperclips have also been blessed. I absolved all of my Jack-In-The-Box antenna balls of any sins they may have committed. My plant looks healthier now that it has been blessed.

I feel so much better about the world now that I am free to minister to the masses. I have grown spiritually over the last 10 minutes since my ordination. I have a maturity like never seen before. I will no longer yell, “motherf’er” when someone cuts me off on the road. I’ll simply pray that their immortal soul doesn’t burn too much in hell where they will surely go for cutting off a truck driven my a servant of the Lord.

I will no longer take the 10th item from the person standing in front of me in the ‘9 Items or Less’ line at Safeway, and throw it back to whence it came. No, I shall merely point out that the Lord hates a liar and a thief and that they will surely writhe in agony in the fires of hell for such a sin.

I will set up prayer meetings at gay bars, “Lord, let us all get a little action tonight.” And if someone feels the need to kneel in front of me… well, they shall get a very special “blessing” and a moist towelette.

God Bless!

--Rev. cml