Slap & Tickle

Movies 2004

I haven’t posted anything in a while, and I’m feeling rather dry, creatively speaking. So, I’m scrapping the bottom of the barrel with this posting…

With the release of Star Wars III (or 6 depending on your perspective), the summer movie season has officially begun. I now look back over the past year at the movies I liked, wished I hadn’t wasted the money on, and those that have moved to my Netflix list…

The lists are in alphabetical order, because with films like The Aviator and Team America: World Police on the same list—how do you put one above the other?

My 2004 Favorites:
The Aviator—I would have liked this film so much more if it had been about 40 minutes shorter. My ass really hurt at the end of this… Leonardo (who I can’t stand in the least) did a great job and almost made me like him. Cate Blanchete earned a well-deserved Oscar for her role as Katherine Hepburn.
Being Julia—Annette Bening was absolutely brilliant in this role. I spent the last 15 minutes just beaming at how deliciously evil and upstaging her character was.
Fahrenheit 9/11—How could Americans watch this film and still vote for Bush? Michael Moore at his best.
Finding Neverland—Johnny Depp’s range continues to astound me. He’s brilliant in everything and Neverland was no exception. The film is charming (and I don’t use that term lightly or often) and I could barely see the final 10 minutes through my tears.
Friday Night Lights—Yet another reason to be glad not to live in Texas. These kids’ lives peak at 17… Peter Berg did an excellent job adapting H.G. Bissinger's book.
Garden State—Excellent directorial debut by Zach Braff.
Good Bye Lenin!—I think I want to use the word ‘charming’ again…
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle—A movie that has ‘Doogie Howser’ leaving “Love stains” in the backseat, someone ‘marrying’ a giant bag of pot, and a guy riding a cheetah all while in search of White Castle burgers is great in my book.
In Good Company—Charm… no, not that. But I enjoyed it. I guess I’m getting old when I enjoy films where the older guy beats up the up ‘n comer…
Kill Bill Vol. 1 & Vol. 2—Kicks ASS! (Both literally and figuratively.)
Kinsey—A movie where Liam Neeson bangs Peter Sarsgaard is tops in my book (plus, it’s fascinating how far we’ve come and how stupid we are today).
Million Dollar Baby—Clint Eastwood and Morgan Freeman give such sublime performances it’s a joy to watch. Hilary Swank won an Oscar for a performance that really didn’t deserve it (I’m still bitter Annette lost to Hilary TWICE!)
Saved!—Great until the end (why must they all fall apart at the end?) Best line: Mandy Moore throwing the bible at Mary, shouting, “I am FILLED with Christ's love!”
Shaun of the Dead—Zombies and slackers, baby. Zombies and slackers…
Sideways—My favorite film of the year. Brilliant all the way around: great writing, directing, and acting. Paul Giamatti not only deserved a nomination, he deserved to win.
Sin City—I went into this film not knowing what to expect and I really enjoyed it. Visually stunning.
Sponge Bob Square Pants Movie—“Who lives in a Pineapple under the sea?!” Fun from beginning to end. I laughed through the whole thing
Super Size Me—I’ll never eat at McDonald’s again… (I still crave me some Big Macs, but I don’t think I can do it…)
Team America: World Police—Marionette sex? Genius! I can’t wait for the DVD and all the extra footage they couldn’t show in theatres. Parker and Stone are the masters at offensive writing… I think that’s why I love them so.
Touch of Pink—Damn… I’m forced to use the word charming again. Great performances throughout and an unconventional story.

Craptacular Disasters:
Anchorman—How I wanted to enjoy this film, but it was just so flat. Great Concept/Shitty Film (Steve Carell had some great moments, as did Will Ferrell, but on the whole it was weak).
Connie & Carla—WTF? From Big Fat Greek Wedding to something we’ve seen way too many times? This could have been a terrific and fun film, but they went with Comedy Formula #147a*…
Day After Tomorrow—Dennis Quaid was in it… and that’s where the enjoyment ends.
Dodgeball—Such potential… however, they went with Comedy Formula #39**. Fun concept and great casting does not make a great film. You need writers for that…
The Dreamers—Tell me we have gone to the 60’s well for the last time…? That well is so dry. I’m not sure what was so shocking as there was nothing we haven't seen before... done better.
The Grudge—Huh? What was scary? That creepy kid? Sure, he was creepy, as was that floating lady, but it wasn’t enough to cause anyone to become catatonic… Big letdown.
I, Robot—It, suck.
The Incredibles—Incredible? Not so much. It was okay, but certainly not incredible…
Ladder 49—Nothing new here. We saw snippets of a guy’s life over 10 years, but we never got to know him. Watch any episode of Dennis Leary’s Rescue Me and you’ve seen something much better.
Latter Days—Great film until the ‘student film’ ending. Completely ruined it for me. Whatever happened to originality?
Manchurian Candidate—The original was flawless--this crappy remake is full of flaws. Why can't they remake the shitty films and save the classics from being ruined?! WHY?!
Meet the Fockers—If we can find out what was successful in the first film and load up the sequel with that it’s got to be good, right? Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. And yet, America went to this movie again and again. Never underestimate the stupidity of the public (I think they all voted for Bush… which is exactly my point).
National Treasure—Besides starring the awful Nicholas Cage, the final action sequence was so dull and lackluster that I kept waiting for the ‘big finish’. Dull…
Passion of the Christ—The film about the son of God, who changed the world with his message of love and compassion, shows none of His message, but only how he died. Beautiful cinematography, but missed the point. (Unless the point was “Jews are bad,” then I guess Mel “Anti-Semite” Gibson did as he intended).
The Stepford Wives—Such potential… such drivel. Disappointed!
The Village—Will someone please stop giving this guy money to make these awful movies? The Sixth Sense was wonderful… everything else was crap, crap, crap. ENOUGH!
The Wedding Date—Load of shit from the moment ‘go.’ I think they lopped off the first 20 minutes as unnecessary… they should have lopped off the rest while they were at it and called it a day…

Thank God for Netflix… How could I have missed these?
50 First Dates—Drew and Adam… love them.
Bad Education—A Pedro Almodóvar film starring Gael García Bernal, how could I have missed this?
Cellular—Chris Evans spends the first 20 minutes of the film without his shirt? I’m still kicking myself for missing this.
Coffee and Cigarettes—Heard mixed things…
Dear Frankie—I cried during the trailer… when did this come out?
De-Lovely—I’m not sure where I was for this.
Diary of a Mad Black Woman—this had disaster written all over it and I wanted to be there to see it unfold. What is up with Tyler Perry? I only saw the trailer and thought, "Christ, that guy has some ego..."
Fever Pitch—Maybe I don't like Drew so much... I missed this, too. I like me some Jimmy, though...
Hidalgo—Mmmmmm, Viggo.
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy—Where did it go? I swear it was here a minute ago…
Lost Skeleton of Cadavra—Did this even get released? I loved the trailer.
Millions—Again, I got teary during the trailer. "It's not suspicious... it's unusual." Love those British kids, they're so amusing.
Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous—Another film that looked disastrous, yet I wanted to see it.
The Motorcycle Diaries—I kept hearing mixed things… but Gael García Bernal was in it—I should have gone. Vive Che!
Open Water—The trailer scared the crap out of me, I think I need to see this on DVD so I can fast forward when I get all squirmy and girlish. (yeah, yeah, which is all the time... I know...)
The Polar Express—Loved the book… I wanted to see this at IMAX—I think I’m too late for that.
Riding Giants—I have a porn with the same name…
The Sea Inside—Looks heart-wrenching.
Shaolin Soccer—Looks awesome… this zipped in and out of theatres fast.
Spanglish—I heard very mixed things on this. I love James L. Brooks, Adam Sandler and Tea Leoni…
Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter… and Spring—I heard great things, but it sounds way too long.
The Whore—I know nothing about this film, I just stumbled across the title—I believe this is my kind of movie!
Win A Date With Tad Hamilton!— Josh Duhamel is the only reason I watch Las Vegas, and yet I missed a chance to see him shirtless! Oh, hurry, Netflix, hurry!
The Woodsman—I couldn’t bring myself to go see a film where a pedophile comes off as a sympathetic character. I think I'll feel even dirtier watching it alone at home...


*Comedy Formula #147: Two friends witness a murder and must leave town and disguise themselves as:
CF #147a: Nuns
CF #147b: Another sex
CF #147c: 180 degrees opposite to who they are (crooks = gay pageant show consultants, etc.)

** Comedy Formula #39: Group is threatened by real estate mogul/competition with eviction if they can’t come up with money to pay off loan/mortgage. They enter a contest that pays the EXACT amount of the loan/mortgage. In the end, they succeed, which causes the downfall of the real estate mogul/competition. (Reference: see just about any teen movie from the 1980’s http://www.crossfilms.com/films/eightiesending.html).