Slap & Tickle

Paris Hilton is in My Bedroom… Why Won’t She Leave?

As much as I loathe Paris Hilton, I not only purchased that sleazy “One Night in Paris” DVD of her and her boyfriend, I watched it…

My 17 year-old nephew asked for the scuzbag’s DVD for his high school graduation. Wanting to be the “cool uncle,” I bought it. Then, when graduation day arrived, I did not want his grandparents (my parents) to see him opening this. I can only imagine my mother announcing to all that could hear how embarrassed she was and how horrible I was--meanwhile, my nephew would be locked away in his room with a wetnap rubbing one out...

However, he’s 18 in July, so no one can say a word at that point, so I decided to wait until then. I mention this The Nephew and his mother at graduation, to which his incredibly conservative mother replies, “Heck, give it to him now, I don’t care.” My nephew practically went into convulsions as his head was bobbing up and down in a frantic “Yes! Yes!” motion.

Regardless, I’m waiting until his birthday—I don’t want to be the “perverted uncle” giving my nephew whack-off material. Granted, when he was 13, his dad bought him the Playboy magazine with Barbara Carrera* in it. However, my brother can be the “creepy perverted father buying porn for his underage son,” but I’m staying out of it. Call me crazy, but I don’t want to think of my nephew flogging the log. I guess it’s the conservative streak in me, I’m just that way…

As a result, Paris Hilton is in my bedroom. I guess it would be rude not to offer her something… the only thing she would want is more exposure—and naturally that would be for me to screen the DVD. Plus—as if I needed an actual excuse to view the DVD—it’s going to be about a month before I can give it to my nephew and there is the warranty to think about. I don't want his first experience with porn to be attempting to return it when he hasn't had the thrill/embarrassment of buying it for the first time. So, I sat down and watched Paris at night...

Oh my f’ing lord…

Each “segment” is introduced by sleazebucket and former Paris Hilton boyfriend what'shisname. Who knows and who cares who this guy is? Actually, his name is Rick Soloman... however, I call him "Dick." Somebody wrote Dick a bit of lame script which he uses to introduce each segment and then we’re shown Paris in all her glory. It's strange to feel dirty and shamed at watching the introduction rather than watching the porn portion...

Let’s just say that there is nothing really new in here. It’s the same old stuff one would normally see if one were to watch straight porn. Me being a card-carrying homo, I don’t normally watch this stuff, so it was somewhat new to me. She poses, she coos, she sucks, she gets banged, she answers her cell phone while getting banged... just an afternoon after church, if you ask me.

What wasn’t the usual stuff was the plentiful shots of this dude’s dong. My gosh, he loves that thing! He has long, graceful shots of "It" all alone—no Paris to be found. Granted, it is quite lovely, but I thought this was about Paris? I got the impression that this was really, “All About My Big Donger… with guest appearance by Paris Hilton!”

You really won't see Paris sucking his dork, as you will see Dick's Dork getting sucked by Paris Hilton. He wasn’t fucking Paris, Paris just happened to be there when his schlong was a-fuckin’.

I guess they broke up on their second date, because there is not a whole lot of footage here, folks. The video sleazebags that distributed this embarrassment felt the need to attach “additional hardcore footage,” which was nothing more than leftover scenes from other videos. Some girl getting rammed by some guy we never see (I will say, straight porn has improved in that the guys have pretty good bods and HUGE dicks—maybe Dick will be able to have a job other than busboy at The Olive Garden, after all!)

The whole thing left me feeling dirty and shameful. Not for buying it, not for watching it, but for having it in my home. My bedroom is a sacred place, filled with only the finest in gay porn videos and magazines. Why would I sully such a place with the rancid world of Paris Hilton and straight porn?

Scummy uncle or not, I’m giving this to my nephew ASAP—I have a reputation as a homo-perv to maintain and Paris Hilton is only going to bring my reputation down.

I just hope the fact that Paris Hilton is in his house does not bring down the property values of my brother's neighborhood.



*The Nephew is a HUGE James Bond fan… and then became a Barbara Carrera fan. Me, I’m a HUGE Pierce Brosnan fan—not the actor, the half-naked man. Me likey…