Slap & Tickle

Damn You, MTV!

Well, it’s happened again…

I’m flipping through the channels (the advantage of only having basic cable and no TiVo in my bedroom: I can randomly and quickly flip to my hearts content) and I stumble across this cute guy rambling about nothing in particular… within seconds I realize that it is the new season of MTV's The Real World. While I fumbled for the remote to change the channel, I became hooked.

DAMN YOU, MTV! With your hotties and your perfectly-cast cast of dysfunctional characters, I am now going to be forced to watch these idiots on parade—and in my secret, secret shame, I’ll enjoy it immensely.

Within minutes of the cast arriving in the house (a converted warehouse in Austin, TX), they are all in the hot tub and two of the girls are making out. In fact, as the girls were choosing their bedrooms, Hottie Melinda said, “Rachel and I are very similar, I’m sure we’ll be making out before the show is over.” Silly me, I thought she was talking about the series, not the episode. However, everyone did keep their clothes on when ALL 7 took a shower together...

MTV perfectly casts each one of these series with the standard group:
Angry Black Man: This season, it’s Nehemiah. He arrives in a T-shirt with Africa emblazoned across the front and a huge wooden necklace in the shape of Ethiopia. I think he’s trying to get in touch with his African roots--or only shops at one store... Naturally, he’s interested in some of the white chicks on the show—which he will have an internal struggle with at some point.

Cool, Cute Jock Guy: Danny, from Boston… He's such a Bostonian, in fact, that during introductions, Wes walks up—and before they’ve even spoken to each other—says, “you must be from Boston…” By the end of the first episode, Cool, Cute, Jock Guy Danny has practically bedded one roommate while another started making out with him in a bar… I don’t blame the women for falling for him: he’s adorable and he’s got a body that he must spend way too much time working on. I should note that MTV needs to get his naked chest more air time…

Guy Who Probably Won’t Get Laid: Wes. Poor guy, he’s a “total frat dude” trapped behind a 'red headed step chiled' face—his body is pretty nice—I don’t think any of the girls will go for him. He does look a bit like a computer geek, which I hear all the girls just love... to have a nice conversation about Cool, Cute, Jock Guy Danny...

Virgin: Played by the “out of character” Melinda. Extremely pretty and has an adventurous attitude (i.e. slutty). She also has a boyfriend, which will fill her full of angst before she dumps him to sleep with Cool, Cute, Jock Guy Danny. Hottie Melinda likes to walk around in just her panties and bra—apparently, she does this at home “all the time.” I bet back home all they guys hang out at her place… I'm sure in an episode or two, Hottie Melinda will be tearfully breaking up with her boyfriend so she can bang Cool, Cute, Jock Guy Danny in the hot tub...

Outsider: Usually, this is the gay character, but we don’t seem to have one this season (hey, they’re in Texas, I don’t think they want any cast members killed…), so Johanna is our girl. She’s cute, she’s sweet, she’s originally from Peru, so she’s definitely going to be crushed emotionally before the season is out.

Bitch: While she hasn't done much, yet, I can clearly see that Rachel will be our girl. She constantly is going on about how "everyone gets along" and "everyone is so cool." This is the first sign that things will not remain that way... and she's the type that will want to either be the savior or cause of all the drama in the house. Maybe she'll get mad at Hottie Melinda for not making out with her some more in the hot tub?


The first night the kids go out to a club and get intensely drunk and dance in that oh-so-innocent ‘bump and grind’ fest. Maybe it’s just me, but if you put on a condom and go at each other, you’re having sex, so how do these guys feel that bumping and grinding against each other—IN PUBLIC—is any different? That there’s no penetration? Sorry, but simulated orgasm says it’s pretty much the same thing to me… Yet, after drunkenly bumping and grinding against each other in a bar, Melinda and Cool, Cute, Jock Guy Danny want to “respect” Melinda’s boyfriend. I’d hate to see what they’d do if they didn’t respect the guy.

The season promises to have some “real drama” as Cool, Cute Jock Guy Danny gets hit in the face during a fight… and his face is bruised! He has to wear a bandage! On his face! Oh, why Lord?! Why must the beautiful suffer? Cool, Cute, Bruised Jock Guy Danny doesn’t plan to suffer for long, he hopes to use his injury to get into Hottie Melinda’s pants. Cool, Cute, Jock Guy Danny may respect Hottie Melinda's boyfriend, but that doesn't mean he's not going to get into her pants anyway.

The Christian Right can run around screaming and yelling to the youth of America to “stop having fun,” but I believe that no one is watching that crap—they’re watching a whole other type of crap: The Real World.

I still say, “Damn you, MTV for making me watch this crap,” but I’ve got to give your credit, you’re doing your best to subvert those Christian Extremists who are so determined to stop everyone from having a good time. So, I’ll continue to watch… but I’ll hate myself a little bit for watching it.

Next rant: Damn You, VH1 for “Strip Search” and “Kept,” two of the guiltiest, guilty pleasures of the summer.