Slap & Tickle

The (re) Gift

Last December I attended one of those White Elephant Gift Parties where everyone brings a "white elephant gift” (read: something you don’t want) and there's a big, fun exchange with people "stealing" a gift from others and all sorts of Christ-is-born-let-greed-ensue kind of fun. No gift can cost more than $10—so it’s difficult to find something cheap but with an appropriate fun-quotient.

I always try to bring something really goofy and fun—maybe even risqué—and most others do the same. Strange videos, weird items sold on late night TV, and items you see in stores and wonder, “who would buy that?” are all the rage. However, there is always someone with a stunted sense of humor that brings something that they think is hysterical, but is just lame. Guess which one I always seem to end up with?

This year I got stuck with a Los Angeles Dodgers Baseball clock and a crappy ornament. Not a funny-lame ornament, not something that was so completely repellant in an ironic and fun way, but something that was just unattractive enough to not want. I opened it and no one squealed or laughed… it was that let down sound of the room collectively thinking, “Glad I didn’t get that.”

While I don’t hate the Dodgers, Lord knows, I certainly don’t love them… so, what was I to do with it? I left the party with it and it has sat in the back of my truck for the last 7 months…

Last night I went to James and Robin’s house for a wedding shower (for Amy and Freedom—I may not have written about them before, but I’m sure I will in the future). It was a great party: tons of food, booze and good conversation. As ‘the men’ were by the barbeque, watching James burn burgers beyond recognition and blaming it on the rest of us, we talked politics, The Los Angeles Dodgers (James is a huge fan) and real estate.

I’m always a little out of it on these straight-boy/men conversations. When it comes to sports, I say nothing. When it comes to politics, I say little, because most of these guys are Republican’ts, and I know nothing about real estate. Usually, I throw in (what I think is) a funny line here and there. I pride myself on my witty banter…

James was discussing buying the house he’s renting when he said, “Well, there are some problems—there’s lead paint in the garage… poor Lilly [his daughter] won’t be able to play in there… the garage is definitely closed.” I immediately pictured barricades blocking the garage…

In my effort to be amusing, I tried to make light of it by saying, “Well, just don’t let her eat the paint chips…” No one laughed. Desperate to recover, I followed with, “…however, they are mighty tasty.” Complete silence. Crickets were chirping and somehwere in the distance, a dog barked into the sunset...

Two hours later, as I was leaving, I pulled aside James—the huge Dodgers fan—and told him I had something in my truck that he would love.

I sifted through the crap in the back of my truck and came up with the clock (the not-ugly-enough-ornament was unceremoniously tossed into the trash the night of the White Elephant Party) and came up with the clock (still keeping time, I might add…). After dusting off with a scarf that has seen better days, I presented him with the Los Angeles Dodgers desk clock…

He looked at it for a second, brushed a little more of the dust off and said, “Uh… cool. Thanks.”

“I thought you’d like it,” I beamed, “being you’re such a Dodgers fan…”

“Excellent,” he said, trying to ramp up his enthusiasm, “I’ll put this in the garage.”