Slap & Tickle

Fun With Email

I received the following email yesterday:

Hello,

I am Ms. Rose Morgan, Manager of Mount Royal Inn Hotel, Ottawa, Ontario Canada.

We are on the second phase of recruiting workers. We are currently looking for 5 to 10 energistic [sic] young individuals to join our working team under ther [sic] following positions:

1 cooker with not less than 2 years cooking experience
2 scretary [sic]and assistant
3 attendant
4 car washer
5 cleaner
6 security men
7 Men/woman who can host people on stage
8 Computer operator
9 Warehouse supervisor
10 Accounts clerk

Our salary is very attractive as we pay what is obtainable in every 5 star hotels in Canada and other developed countries. If you are interested to work for us, send your application to the hotel through this email address:hotel_canada_2004@fastermail.com.

We shall help you to process your document and pay for your flight ticket with your one-month visa as a tourist to enter here in Canada and work with us.

N/B: all expenses incurred [sic] to bring you to Canada must be dully deducted from your monthly salary while working for us here.

Bye from Ms. Rose Morgan.

I’m not sure what they are trying for, but do they actually expect someone to reply? The misspellings aside, I’m particularly interested in how they are looking for “5 to 10” people to fill 10 positions. Are they hoping people will double up? Is that why they are looking for “energistic” people?

The vagueness of the positions also boggles the mind: “Men/woman who can host people on stage?” WTF? They only need one cleaner, but they need a group of security men? This is Canada, I thought it was supposed to be safe—guess not.

I decided I needed to reply to her message. I mean, one so clearly odd needs to have a reply. Naturally, I couldn’t just answer them, I decided I should be a “typical ignorant American.”

Enjoy!

Dear Ms. Morgan,

Thank you for your letter! Wow! I could really use a job or two and your letter really fits my bill. I’ve always wanted to travel to Europe—and Canada is at the top of my list! I should also note that my friends also refer to me as extremely “energistic,” so I know I would be right for many of the jobs you describe.

However, before I send you my resume, I have a few questions:

First, you say you have “5 to 10 positions.” I’m not sure what that means, because you are offering 10 positions. Should we be expected to ‘double up’ on jobs? I think I could do that if the pay were comproble.

I do have some questions on several positions stated. If you could please clarify on a few questions I’ve noted below, I would be greatly appriciating.

1. cooker: would that be a cook, or something to cook with? I have several years experience cooking and I have a crock pot that is none worse for the wear—should I bring that along?
2. Scretary: I always confuse the European way of spelling (how does one put a “U” in “color,” I’ve always wondered). I should note that I have several years experience as a spell checker—actually, I have it on my computer, but it’s pretty much the same thing, no?
3. Attendant: Is that a car attendant, or are they just attending things in general? I’ve ben a good attendant in all sorts of jobs. Many times my bosses have stated to “just sit there and do nothing” and it’s worked great!
4. Car Washer: That I got. I didn’t know you guys had cars up there in Canada.
5. Cleaner: What would I be cleaning? I guess not cars, because you covered that already. Would it be rooms? In America, we call them “maids.” Maybe you didn’t want to be sexyist and label it as a “women’s job.”
6. Security men: Hey… that’s being sexyist! I’m real strong (“Cuz, I eats my spinach!” as Popeye would say—hey, do you have Popeye in Canada?)
7. Men/woman who can host people on stage: I got NO idea what that job is… but it sounds like fun! I would love to be on a stage! Why only one woman?
8. Computer operator: I’ve got a computer! AND I can operate it, too!
9. Warehouse supervisor: I used to work in a warehouse years ago, but after the fall, I don’t remember too much about it. But I’m sure it’s as easy as falling off a log—which, ironically, is what I fell from.
10. Accounts clerk: Sadly I don’t know much about that, but I am a quickly learning person, so I might be able to do that.

Please get back to me as soon as possible, because I’m afraid of flying, so I’ll have to take a boat over to Canada, and that might take a couple of days.

However, if you don’t have time and need to choose someone right now, I’d like to apply for “Men/woman who can host people on stage.” First, it sounds like fun! Second, it appears that there would be a bunch of people doing it together, and C) did I mention it sounds like fun?!

Please reply real soon, as I’ve applied to be a greeter at Wal-Mart and I don’t want to leave them without anyone to greet people if I suddenly get a job over there in Canada!

Best,

Christepher


Oddly enough, I have not heard back from Rose…

Please note, if you’re looking for spelling errors: ben, comproble, appreciating, sexyist, women’s job, and Christepher are intentionally wrong/improperly used, so back off. Please assume any other spelling or grammatical error is purely intentionalistic…