Thursday, April 20, 2006

59 Things a Man Should Never Do Past 30

Esquire Magazine recently published the 59 things a man should never do past 30. I am past 30 (well past, some might say—to them I say, “fuck you.”). I thought I should check out this list and ensure that I am following the rules set forth by the magazine that reports they represent “man at his best.”

Let me begin by saying that these dudes are insane. No fireworks? No Disney ties? No “Peace out”?! I’m shocked at this list and I’m sure you will be as well.

Below is the list and my comment on their (insane) observations:

1. Coin his own nickname.
I guess you can all stop calling me “Mad Dog” (just as it was catching on…)

2. Use a wallet that is fastened with Velcro.
What if the Velcro has worn out and it no longer makes that ‘craytch’ sound?

3. Rank his friends in order of best, second best, and so on.
What about color rankings?

4. Hacky sack.
I couldn’t hacky-sack when I was young enough, I’m not going to do it now…

5. Name his penis his name plus junior.
But I can still name it… right?

6. Hang art with tape.
And how am I supposed to hang my “Hang in there!” kitty poster?

7. Hang The Scream, unless he stole it from the Munch museum in Oslo.
Shhhh! Tell no one. It looks great in my bathroom.

8. Ask a policeman, "You ever shoot anybody with that thing?"
Well, not when pointing to his gun…

9. Ask a woman, "Hey, you got a license for that ass?"

10. Skip.
I beg to differ… gay men can skip into their late 40’s…

11. Take a camera to a nude beach.
And just how am I supposed to take pictures of the nekkid peoples?

12. Let his father do his taxes.
But he enjoys it so…

13. Tap on the glass.
I need to get their attention somehow and tapping really works.

14. Shout out a response to "Are you ready to rock?"
Because, quite frankly, I’m always ready to rock and I think the band should know that. It’s only polite… they are there to put on a rock ‘n roll show, I should certainly be there to rock, correct? Plus, when someone asks you a direct question you should answer. So, when someone asks me if I’m ready to rock, damnit, I’m going to tell them so. As an added bonus, a big “Whooooo!” adds emphasis to my said excitement.)

15. Use the word collated on his resume.
Thankfully, ‘self starter’ is still good…

16. Hold a weekly house meeting with roommates.
But it makes me feel like I’m on Real World (I wanna be Puck!)

17. Name pets after Middle Earth characters.
How many dogs are named Bilbo Baggins?

18. Jokingly flash gang signs while posing for wedding photos.
Like I’m just going to stand there… sha…

19. Give shout-outs.
Oh no you di’in’t!

20. Use numbers in place of words or locations, such as "the 411" for information, or "the 313" for Detroit.
Sorry but I simply can’t go out and not give a shout-out to my peeps in the Four-Oh-Eight! Yo!

21. Hug amusement-park characters.
Mickey’s not going to hug himself…

22. Wear Disney-themed neckties.
Oh, just kick me why don’t you… Do they realize how many of these ties I own? It’s a significant investment. F’ that, I’m wearing them.

23. Wake up to a "morning zoo."
Not a problem…

24. Compare the trajectory of his life with those of the characters in Billy Joel's "Scenes from an Italian Restaurant."
Well, I haven’t gotten a divorce as a matter of course, but my life might just parallel Brenda and Eddie’s…

25. Request extra sprinkles.
Fuck that.

26. Air drum.
You have GOT to be kidding me! How can I not?! I’m also going to air-guitar, so let’s make sure that’s clear right here and know.

27. Choose 69 as his jersey number.
Heh… cool.

28. Eat Oreo cookies in stages.
It’s not a chocolate chip cookie… not a macaroon. It’s an Oreo. There are rules to eating an Oreo, and you don’t just chomp on them. They must be broken apart—OR (and this is a BIG OR)—you dunk them in milk, but they are not to just be chewed like any other cookie. That is just ridiculous. Honestly, who wrote this list, Osama Bin Laden?

29. Volunteer to be a magician's assistant.
And just why not? It could be fun.

30. Sleep on a bare mattress.

31. End a conversation with "later skater."
But goodbye is just so pedestrian…

32. Hold his lighter up at a concert.
If one is expected to hold up a lighter, then one should. Not during every power ballad, but there are times it is necessary.

33. Publicly greet friends by shouting, "What's up, you whore?"
What if my friends are whores? Whores are people, too. That’s bigotry, pure and simple.

34. Wear Converse All Stars with a tuxedo.
That’s not an ‘after 30’ thing, that’s a “you’re an asshole if you ever did that” thing…

35. Propose via stadium Jumbotron.
Hey, man. You can’t beat classy.

36. Decide anything based on the ruminations of Howard Stern.
Based on stuff Robin says is okay though…

37. Call "shotgun" before getting in a car.
How else am I going to claim that seat? Man, I’ve got quite a record in calling/getting shotgun.

38. Dispute someone else's call of "shotgun."
Seriously, stop bitching about it you guys. I got it fair and square. The fact that I tripped you has no bearing on this whatsoever…

39. Whine.
Come on… please… puh-leeeeeeze? It’s not fair!

40. Mist up during Aerosmith's "Dream On."
I guarantee nothing…

41. Purchase fireworks.
Well, that is just flat out wrong… I’m supposed to go through the Fourth of July with no fireworks? Blech…

42. Google the word vagina.
That goes without saying… ‘Penis’ is okay, right?

43. Ride a pony.
What the…? Oh. They meant literally “a pony.” Yeah, that makes sense…

44. Sport an ironic mustache.
Sadly, it’s the only thing I can do.

45. Hit 13 against a 6.
Doubling down on a pair of 2’s is okay…

46. Organize a party bus.
They don’t organize themselves…

47. Say "two points" every time he throws something in the trash.
If I’m far enough back, I claim three…

48. Buy a novelty postcard in another country of topless women on a beach and write, "Wish you were here" on it.
No, but I do like to send postcards of Alcatraz to friends with “Wish you were here” on them. Good times.

49. Keg stands.
I don’t like bending over… (for beer)

50. Purchase home-brewing paraphernalia.
Since I got it as a gift, it doesn’t count.

51. The John Travolta point-to-the-ceiling-point-to-the-floor dance move; also that one from Pulp Fiction.
Fine. Take a way two of my three dance moves… (bastards)

52. Put less than ten dollars' worth of gas in the tank.
That goes without saying since that’s putting in less than a gallon of gas…

53. Keep a minuscule amount of marijuana extremely well hidden.
Large batches should be hidden, small amounts can be someone visible…

54. Read The Fountainhead.
You said it… just rent it on Netflix.

55. Watch the Pink Floyd laser light show at a planetarium.
Like I could stay up that late…

56. Refer to his girlfriend's breasts as "the twins."
Not a problem…

57. Own a vanity plate.
I have to give up “HUNG 9”? Jeez…

58. Whippits.
Sucking helium out of a balloon is cool, right?

59. Say goodbye to anyone by tapping his chest and even so much as whispering, "Peace out."

The list was obviously written by someone under 30 and who knows nothing of being (slightly) older and how getting older doesn't mean you have to grow up. Later skaters!


Doctorchaos said...


Norskgirl said...

Well, shit, I just had to "coin a nickname" to post a comment, so I'm already fucked... :-) Anyway, what is a "morning zoo?" I don't understand that reference; is it because I'm a chick or because I don't listen to bad morning radio? Also, WTF, my cat is named Mr. Baggins. And he really does remind me of Bilbo, it's a good name for him! This is why I don't read Esquire.
But I always read Mornings of Slap & Tickle! I love you, Chris!