On Wednesday, I woke up with my throat on fire. Whenever I wake up with a nasty sore throat, it usually signals the beginning of a cold. The worse the sore throat, the worse the cold will be… Did I mention my throat was on FIRE?
After resting all day, I thought I might have beaten the cold back a bit, but decided I should take another day just to really kick the damn thing into submission. No one likes a smug cold and I wanted to teach the little bastard a lesson. By Thursday evening, I was feeling a bit better… then I took a nap.
Apparently, this cold likes to sneak up on me when I’m sleeping, because I woke up from the nap in agonizing pain: throat, head, nasal passages… from my shoulders up—nothing but pain.
I slept in on Friday and called my doctor—surely this is the most heinous cold on record, maybe it’s the bird flu! My gosh… I’m Patient Zero! Nurse Ratchet would not let me speak to the doctor but tried to assure me that my symptoms were nothing but a common cold.
Common Cold?! Stuffy head? Feverish (although, there was no actual fever, I did feel feverish)… coughing, aching… and she calls it a cold?!
“I tink it’th more dan a code” I mumbled in my best “Bird Flu Voice.”
“It’s a bad cold,” she assured me, “but it’s a cold just the same.”
“Is dare a pill or shod?”
“Shod! Shod! Domp’t be mocking my code voith!”
“No, sir, there is no shod…”
“Look here, missy…” I was becoming indignant.
“Sir, you’re becoming indignant. Just drink lots of fluids, take some Nyquil and get some rest.”
So, I spent the day in bed… and not the ‘good kind’ of being in bed: the resting and relaxing and enjoying myself (if you know what I mean).* No, I slept and drank and slept and peed and slept and drank and slept and peed… and then I slept a little more.
I’m feeling a skotch better, but I still have a cough and my nose is stuffy and my head hurts, but I did have a desire to look at porn this evening, which I take as a sign that I’m recovering. I didn’t fully enjoy the online porn (again, if you know what I mean)** but I did look and that’s a good thing.
Whatever you people do, do not get this cold—it’s not what they advertise at all. It’s not fun, there’s no dancing tissues or singing noses.***
Hopefully, I’ll feel better soon and I can write something amusing and wonderful… hey, there’s a first time for everything…
*You do… perv.
**Again, you do… and again, you perv.
***While my nose didn’t sing, it did whistle for a while, but no tune that I know of.
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