Thursday, February 19, 2009

Slumdog Chrismatica™

"And the Oscar goes to..."


And here we are… 2009, celebrating another Oscar with a new President. Can you smell the change? Politically, there may be change in the air, but The Academy is extremely predictable.

Using my proprietary mathematical formula I’ve humbly dubbed Chrismatica™, my predictions for the 2008 Oscars are as follows—remember, if you bet and win, you split the cash with me. If you lose, well, you shouldn’t have been betting in the first place.

Performance by an actor in a leading role
Richard Jenkins in "The Visitor" –Did anyone see this?
Frank Langella in "Frost/Nixon" – “I’m not a crook!” You’re not a winner, either.
Brad Pitt in "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" – Still too pretty.
Sean Penn in "Milk" – My personal choice, but his dog is still alive.
Mickey Rourke in "The Wrestler" – Hollywood loves a comeback… and his dog just died.

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
Josh Brolin in "Milk" – Great performance… but he’s still alive.
Robert Downey Jr. in "Tropic Thunder" – most deserving… again, still living.
Philip Seymour Hoffman in "Doubt" – best actor of his generation… currently breathing
Michael Shannon in "Revolutionary Road" – Not sure who he is, but I hear he's still alive.
Heath Ledger in "The Dark Knight" – “He’s dead, Jim.” And we have a winner.

Performance by an actress in a leading role
Anne Hathaway in "Rachel Getting Married" – She’s pretty. Pretty doesn’t win.
Angelina Jolie in "Changeling” – Stop adopting kids, already.
Melissa Leo in "Frozen River" – Who?
Meryl Streep in "Doubt" – As always, brilliant… but fully clothed.
Kate Winslet in "The Reader" – Two key words: “Naked” and “Holocaust”

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
Amy Adams in "Doubt" – I like her… she was fun in Enchanted. Not so fun here…
Penélope Cruz in "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" – She really should win
Viola Davis in "Doubt" – Who?
Taraji P. Henson in "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" – Again, Who?
Marisa Tomei in "The Wrestler" – Stripper! In Hollywood that is considered acting…

Achievement in directing
"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" David Fincher – Nice special effects…
"Frost/Nixon" Ron Howard – Opie already has an Oscar
"Milk" Gus Van Sant – Great movie… but too gay (even for Hollywood)
"The Reader" Stephen Daldry – Directing a Holocaust film? I can smell the desperation…
"Slumdog Millionaire" Danny Boyle – Shot on the streets of Mumbai, used local kids, fought to keep production going, did an amazing job… it all adds up (plus, he won the DGA, which puts this into a lock).

Best motion picture of the year
"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"
Really? Really? Really…
"Frost/Nixon" Did anyone see this?
"Milk" Too gay.
"The Reader" Fewer people saw this than Frost/Nixon.
"Slumdog Millionaire" Bank on it: Almost went to video—it’s the little film that could. Also, if China’s not going to be our future overlords, then India certainly will be… we’d better start sucking up now.


1 comment:

Stephen Rader said...

Great predictions! The "He's dead, Jim," is brilliantly funny because it's so damn true.

Don't count Viola Davis out. Her scene is incredibly well written and Oscar gold!