Tuesday, June 02, 2009


I was reading Deus Ex Malcontent today and he was rehashing a post he made when the final Harry Potter came out and Chez gave away the ending. Actually, he didn’t give it away—he’s never even read the books. He just made up an ending and even said it was made up. However, rabid Potter fans bombarded him with comments threatening him. To his credit Chez said “I might've feared for my life had the threats of physical violence I received not come from, well, Harry Potter fans.”

Amongst the cries that he’d ruined lives, came this ultimate spoiler gem from Votar… enjoy.

[Caution: spoilers ahead]

Hey I'm reeally drunk right now so fuck all yall

The empire gets defeated by Ewoks.

The Titanic sinks.

Fredo opens the window blinds in Michael's bedroom.

Tracy Mills' head is in the box.

Verbal Kint is Keyser Soze.

Colonel Tigh is a cylon.

Every single character in "Identity" are imaginary figments of the death row inmate's imagination.

Memento was filmed backwards.

The aliens can't use door knobs and water hurts them.

Quaid is suffering a free form delusion resulting from a schizophrenic embalism based on the vacation he purchased from Rekall; in his mind he'll rescue the girl, free Mars, and in the end, he'll be lobotomized.

Deckhard is a replicant.

Rosebud is a fucking sleigh.

Dil is a man.

Tyler Durden is imaginary.

Kevin Costner is Ivan, the Russian agent.

Andy DusFrensne escapes.

Jigsaw is laying there the whole time.

The Game is, uh, just a game.

The Force is just some bacteria in your blood.

The Wizard of Oz is just some old guy behind a curtain fiddling with a steam engine.

George Taylor is on Earth the whole time.

The chick in Mullholland Drive is already dead.

Rosemary's baby is the Devil.

John Milton is the Devil.

Louis Cyphre is the Devil.

Jacob is already dead.

The tanker truck was full of sand.

Donald Sutherland is one of the body snatchers.

Ash is a robot.

Patrick Bateman is "utterly insane."

Vic and Blood kill, cook, and eat the girl.

The killer was Jason Voorhees' mother.

Police Chief Exley was the mastermind behind the Night Owl Murders.

Carousel is really just a population control murder ritual.

The Maltese Falcon is a fake.

The Matrix is a computer program.

In Million Dollar Baby, she dies.
She also dies in Boys Don't Cry.

Lionel Twain is not killed, and does not kill anyone. It's all a ruse to embarrass the most popular crime novelists.

Peyton Farquahr is already dead.

Grace Stewart and her children are already dead.

Griff gets away with murder and marries the girl.

Norman Bates puts on a wig and kills people.

The Ark of the Covenant is stored in a top secret military warehouse.

There are two killers in Scream.

Soylent Green is people.

Old Yeller dies.

The Village is just some stupid 19th Century Utopian Society experiment gone awry.

Seriously. Fuck you.


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