Our Next President

As my friend Scooter said, “Can’t we just elect him now and be done with it?” Oh, man, after this speech, I hope so…

Hometown Hero

It's always a wonderful day when someone in your town makes the national news... and then there's this. I'm not sure what's worse, the fact that this guy got caught putting pot in candies, or that Hershey's is actually suing him for trademark infringement.

Like anyone really thought "Keef Kat" was really Kit Kat.* Seriously, Kit Kat's suck. (There. I've said it.) If anything is going to help those nasty buggers go down, then I say a little pot is worth it.

*"New! Improved! Now with MORE Pot!"

This Will Be Interesting…
The morons at Westboro Baptist Church—better known as “God Hates Fags”—will be protesting the funeral of one Jerry Falwell (click on the image above, I am not putting a link to those assholes). I've never been one to really enjoy funerals, but I am sure that is going to be one very interesting morning.

The Christian Right has turned a blind eye to the “Reverend” Phelps, and now they are about to get a stick poked into it. We’ll see how understanding they are now that it’s happening to them.

Final (cheap) Shot

The Rev. Jerry Falwell - founder of the Moral Majority and the face of the religious right in the 1980s - died Tuesday after being found unconscious in his office, a Liberty University executive said.

Ron Godwin, Liberty's executive vice president, said Falwell, 73, had been found unresponsive around 10:45 a.m. and was taken to Lynchburg General Hospital.

Godwin said he was not sure what caused the collapse, but noted that Falwell had "a history of heart challenges."

I’m sure there is no reason to believe that Rev. Falwell was found with drug paraphernalia and an underage male prostitute of undetermined race in the room with him when his heart was challenged. No reason at all… However, with absolutely no evidence, that it was the drugs and the ‘cheap trick with the six-pack abs’ that caused his heart to flutter something fierce.

The non-existent underage male-whore was not heard to exclaim, “But he said he loved me!”

Also, there is no evidence that he’d been exchanging salacious massages with Ted Haggard. None whatsoever.

What does it say when “a man of God” dies and there are so many people out there that truly despise him? How much of the Message of God did he not understand? A man had died and I am sure his family will miss him… I, however, will not.

Like This is Going to Stop Me...

Sometimes, a man's gotta do, what (and who) a man's gotta do... and damn the consequences.

Throw Her Ass in Jail

Paris Hilton—a woman who only thinks about Paris Hilton—is upset that because, as a result of her repeatedly breaking the law, her skinny ass is being sent to jail. Boo-freakin’-hoo. She claims that this is the result of her being made an example of because she’s famous. What, exactly, is she famous for? Famous for not doing anything. Famous for partying too much. Famous for being drunk.

Now, some douche-bag Joshua has an online petition to the Governator to pardon her because (get this Paris “provides hope for young people all over the US and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives".

Hope? Hope for what? That your daddy is the heir of a huge fortune and that you get some of that cash, but you contribute nothing to society? Beauty? Oh, Anna… Anorexia… they’re calling for you. Excitement? Ooh, what party is Paris going to get drunk at next? Will she see Lindsay there? Will they argue? Will I give a crap?

I do enjoy how her mother is being supportive of her, “stands behind her” and is angry at the court. Lady, you are her parent—this is your fault. You let your kid go out and party in high school because you couldn’t be bothered to act like a parent. It’s too late now, but don’t blame others for making an effort to correct your mistakes.

I can not put it any better than this: Paris wants you to “sihn” the petition. Christ, all that money and the skank (skanque) can’t spell?

So, now I’m starting a petition*: Put Paris’ bony ass in jail! Start with the original 45 days the judge sentenced her to, another 45 for wasting our time with this frivolous story, another 45 for each time she’s been photographed staggering through the streets of L.A. drunk… I think that puts her in jail for at least a few years.

And if we’re lucky, she’ll be left there and forgotten.

Next case: Lindsay Lohan…






*Yes, there are those that are urging no clemency, but I am advocating for additional time.

Luke... I am your Postmaster!

File this under geeky-cool: we get to vote for the new Star Wars stamp being offered by the US Postal Service.

Use the Force—or in this case, the internet—and vote for your favorite stamp. I’m torn between Obi Wan Kenobi and Darth Vader stamps… oh, the constant struggle of good vs. evil.

I finally figured out why there is no Ewan McGregor (young Obi Wan) stamp: we’d all be licking the front of the stamp…

"Sperm Agenda"?
Oh. My. Gawd.




Power of the penis, baby. Power of the penis...

Women use the JackRabbit at work?

UPDATE: YouTube pulled the original video... this is another episode.
"He can give you a mouthful of sperm and a rectum full of sperm, but he won't give you no light bread [at Long John Silver's]." Classic!

Behold: I am The Sun!

You are The Sun

Happiness, Content, Joy.

The meanings for the Sun are fairly simple and consistent.

Young, healthy, new, fresh. The brain is working, things that were muddled come clear, everything falls into place, and everything seems to go your way.

The Sun is ruled by the Sun, of course. This is the light that comes after the long dark night, Apollo to the Moon's Diana. A positive card, it promises you your day in the sun. Glory, gain, triumph, pleasure, truth, success. As the moon symbolized inspiration from the unconscious, from dreams, this card symbolizes discoveries made fully consciousness and wide awake. You have an understanding and enjoyment of science and math, beautifully constructed music, carefully reasoned philosophy. It is a card of intellect, clarity of mind, and feelings of youthful energy.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Father of the Year

Note to self: the next time Alec Baldwin calls—pick up the phone! The man loathes voicemail…

A lot is being made over this Alec Baldwin yelling at his kid. Didn’t any of these critics have parents? Were none of them subjected to a rant from a parent where they went a little bonkers, yelling at them? What Ireland was subjected to was not child abuse, but childhood!

Every time my mother or father sat down with me to discuss something, I would secretly wish they would just scream at me and get it over with. Yelling lasted only a few minutes, discussions lasted for an eternity.

My parents did not yell much; they were not screamers. However, if I really f’d up? There would be yelling. Of that I could be assured. (Something tells me that Ireland has pulled the phone stunt on daddy a few times before.)

What my parents did not do was yell at me in front of other people. Whenever I would be at a friend’s house and their mom would start screaming at them, my fight-or-flight instinct would kick in*. There I was, heading for the door, with my buddy pleading, “Stay! Stay! For the love of God, she’s going to skin me alive!” Which only made me move to the door faster: Sorry, buddy, but if she’s going to threaten to kill her only son, what his she going to do to the kid down the street she can’t stand?

Two rules of parenting: no scars** and no witnesses. Don’t hit your kid in public, give them “the look”, or say, “Now see here!” and wait until you get home. Because we all know that what happens behind your well-manicured front yard, stays behind your well-manicured front yard. Sadly, for Alec, we are all witnesses.

Parents yell. Parents shout. Parents get to treat their kids in a way they would never treat a stranger. It’s called family. You yell, you insult, you tease… and then you forgive because you love each other.***

I’m not saying that what Alec did was right; I’m saying we’ve all ranted and been ranted at. We’ve all said things we wish we hadn’t, but those moments aren’t caught on tape.

In my book, bad parenting is putting that information out on the web and publicly involving your child in your custody battle. That, boys and girls, is abuse.

*I always opted for flight
**Emotional scaring does not apply—otherwise, what’s the point of being a parent?
***Or because YOU want to stay in The Will and THEY don’t want you to put them in a lousy nursing home.

So much sadness. Hopefully, we will learn from this. We will move on, but let us never forget.

Love Me Some Google

1. go to www.google.com
2. click on "maps"
3. click on "get directions"
4. type "New York" in the first box (the "from" box)
5. type "London" in the second box (the "to" box)
6. press on "get directions" button
7. scroll down to step #24

"Tacos Rule!"

I think this explains everything...

Ladies and Gentlemen:
The Completely Heterosexual Ted Haggard

I love the blog Joe. My. God. It’s great, he’s hot and he always has something on there that either makes you think or laugh (or sometimes get pissed).

Today, he offers a laugh…



...what a fun way to start off a Monday.

Too Hot for Friday

Oh. My. Gawd. Well, at least I now know what I'll be for Halloween.

Isn't Treason an Impeachable Offense?

It's seems the press has finally gotten some balls and the talk of impeaching Dubya is starting to get some traction. Let's hope it does.



I think it would be perfect for Hillary to run on a platform of "restoring dignity to the White House."

Does the Man Not Eat?

"I'm a-powerful hungry"

Why is it whenever Bush travels outside the U.S. all he can talk about is food? When he went to Germany a few years back—he kept talking about a pig they were roasting for him. I believe he mentioned it three times.

"It will be a very tasty pig..."

His most recent trip is another fine example of the man traveling on both an empty stomach and head—he seemed obsessed with being fed.

Somebody get this guy a sandwich so he can start making rational decisions!

"I'm a-cookin' fer ya, Dubya!"*

*Alternative quote: "I'm as annoying as Shrub--with fewer casualties!"

Alternative, Alternative quote: "I'm a skank."

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed: Sexy, Bitch!




Look at that sexy, sexy man! Whoo! You go boy!

No? You don’t think so? Tell that to the government who has found a man they are in love with. Someone who is taking the fall for every last terrorist attack of the last 15 years. Osama bin Who? Forget him. He was small potatoes. It’s all about their sexy boy-toy Khalid Sheikh Mohammed.

According to press releases, Khalid has “confessed”* to:

• 2001 attack on the US
  
• 1993 attack on the World Trade Center
  
• The beheading of Daniel Pearl (yeah, he did it himself…)
  
• Attempted shoe bombing of American Airlines Flight 63 from Paris
  
• Managing and following up on the Cell for the Production of Biological Weapons, such as anthrax and others, and following up on Dirty Bomb Operations on American soil
  
• Assassination attempt against Pope John Paul II while he was visiting the Philippines

Not widely reported are Khalid’s admitting to:

• Killing Anna Nicole Smith (“I am Dannielynn’s father…”)
  
• Introducing Tom Cruise to Scientology (“It was a joke… we were drunk”)
  
• The cancellation of Arrested Development (“More ‘The War at Home’! Fun-ny!")
  
• The election of George Bush in 2000 (“Ever see Katherine Harris and I in the same room?”)
• Produced Basic Instinct 2 (“What? I’m dating Sharon Stone!”)
  
  And last…
  
• The Planning for the Invasion of Iraq (“It worked perfectly from my end…”)

*Those bruises and scars were already there—I swear!

General Pace Can Suck My Dick (the bible says so)

Marine General Peter Pace certainly is living in the past, isn’t he? The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs was recently quoted as saying that “homosexuality is immoral.”

Once again, these holier-than-thou jerks are playing at taking the moral high ground. Gen. Pace, I would like you to meet Rev. Haggard.

Let’s peruse the bible for a moment and… hey, what’s this? Why it’s the Ten Commandments! Let me see here… sucking dick… sucking dick… disco… Cher… sucking dick… titty clamps… Matt Sanchez/Rod Majors… Nope. No mention of homosexuality. But, what’s this? I believe it’s God’s Commandment: THOU SHALT NOT KILL. Hey, how’s that Iraq thing going? You know the one with over 600,000 Iraqis dead? Wow… now who’s immoral? That’s what I thought.

Personally, anyone named Peter should be very careful about discussing sexuality…

What's In My Five

A friend emailed me and asked me to email her my top five movies. Is she freaking kidding me? FIVE? How can I limit it to five? Is that drama or comedy? Combined? Kill me. Kill me right now.

I decided to go with my top five comedies, because I like comedy more. I compiled a nice list (in no particular order) and then went about picking my top five… which I narrowed down to a minuscule 108 films.

I was able to group the list into 20 films and even those into two groups, but beyond that, I can’t go any lower. Most of these films float back and forth depending on my mood, the time of day, if I’m hungry, who I am with, etc.

Below is my Top Ten, quickly followed by my Top Twenty… which is (surprise!) followed by everything else. I don’t expect you to agree with my choices, but they are just that: my choices.

I should probably apologize in advance—I threw this list together from some other lists I had and moved things around, so some movies may have accidentally been repeated. Let me know if you agree, disagree, or feel I may have neglected one of your favorites. However, remember this: If I don’t like it, then it probably wasn’t funny.

My Top Comedies

1. Blazing Saddles
   
2. It’s A Mad Mad Mad Mad World


3. What’s Up, Doc?


4. Desk Set


5. Nobody’s Fool


6. Noises Off!


7. The Producers (1968)


8. His Girl Friday


9. The 40 Year-Old Virgin


10. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off



11. Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle


12. SOB


13. The Philadelphia Story


14. Victor/Victoria


15. Network


16. Stuart Saves His Family


17. Young Frankenstein


18. Tootsie


19. Caddyshack


20. Diner



21. Groundhog Day


22. Best in Show


23. The Aristocrats


24. Moonstruck


25. Shaun of the Dead


26. Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House


27. Broadcast News


28. Bull Durham


29. Dr. Strangelove


30. A Mighty Wind


31. Borat Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan


32. Office Space


33. Fast Times at Ridgemont High


34. Private Benjamin


35. There’s Something About Mary


36. Airplane!


37. Arthur


38. Auntie Mame


39. 10


40. 1941


41. Strictly Ballroom


42. Ninotchka


43. Some Like It Hot


44. Take the Money and Run


45. This is Spinal Tap


46. When Harry Met Sally


47. National Lampoon’s Animal House


48. Raising Arizona


49. Silver Streak


50. The General


51. Ghostbusters


52. Ace Ventura Pet Detective


53. Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert


54. Bad News Bears


55. The Big Picture


56. Billy Madison


57. Reality Bites


58. Galaxy Quest


59. Brother, Where Art Thou?


60. The Ref


61. Army of Darkness


62. Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery


63. Back to the Future


64. Foul Play


65. Girls Just Want to Have Fun


66. Happy Gilmore


67. He Said, She Said


68. History of the World, Part I


69. Home Alone


70. Kentucky Fried Movie


71. Meatballs


72. Miss Congeniality


73. My Best Friend’s Wedding


74. My Favorite Year


75. Parenthood


76. Pee Wee’s Big Adventure


77. Planes, Trains, & Automobiles


78. The Princess Bride


79. Quick Change


80. Elf


81. Zoolander


82. Real Genius


83. The Return of the Pink Panther


84. Risky Business


85. The Ritz


86. Old School


87. Team America: World Police


88. Monster’s Inc.


89. Shrek


90. Shrek II


91. Roxanne


92. The Sandlot


93. Seems Like Old Times


94. She’s Having A Baby


95. Sixteen Candles


96. So I Married an Axe Murderer


97. Splash


98. Stripes


99. Supergirl (unintentional comedy, but a comedy none-the-less)


100. Thank God It’s Friday


101. Trading Places


102. The Trouble with Angels


103. Waiting for Guffman


104. Wayne’s World


105. What’s New Pussycat?


106. Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


107. Without a Clue


108. Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown