False Hope

I'm looking online this morning (slow Monday) and I see something that makes me smile:

Sadly, it's about naming your baby... Damn. The alternative might have made for some really funny YouTube videos...

And then I saw this one:


There is no mention of The Governator in the article (or Conan, for that matter). If spraying the valley makes us all big and strong, then I'm all for it. However, if it shrinks my nuts, I'm against it. That's just how I roll...

Here’s to Reaching Out


We go through life, not realizing the struggles and triumphs of those that have gone before us. Strong praise needs to go to Story Corps—maintained by the Library of Congress and presented each week by NPR.

Today, I listened to the story of Larry Young, who grew up a farmer’s son in Tennessee in the 1940’s. He decided he wanted to go to college, and with no help from his family, he went to the local college, threw two five dollar bills on the counter and asked to be admitted. The administrator questioned the self-described “country boy” on why he wanted to go to college—Mr. Young replied, "I plan to make something out of myself."

Eventually, he was brought to the Dean, who inquired if he knew how to drive a truck. He lied and said, “Yes.” “By the grace of God” he drove a garbage truck that paid his tuition.

No one knew he did not have a place to stay, so he found a spot in the dormitory, between two mattresses. When discovered, he was brought before a disciplinary committee—when they heard his story, they found him a place to stay. “And from that day forward, I never looked back.”

Eventually, he became the first African American director of food sanitation for Detroit Health Department, where he inspired others to reach farther.

Mr. Young’s story is just one of thousands available. But his exemplifies the beauty and simplicity of Story Corps: “I've always felt that, as long as I live, I was going to use my life to reach out and touch another life with hope.”

Listen here.


Some other Story Corps moments I’ve discovered:

Pancakes as A Message of Love (It's all about the love)

Daughter Who Changed Parent’s World (heartbreaking and sweet)

Pip and the Judge (one of my all-time favorite Story Corps items)

One of These Days These Boots Are Gonna Walk All Over You

Lee Hazlewood passed away this weekend. Mr. Hazlewood was known for writing and publishing a number of works, most notably Nancy Sinatra’s “These Boots are Made for Walking.” He was 78 years old.

How (you may ask) does this have any connection to me? Well (I answer) I was singing “Boots” back in 1995, when a tragic—and all too common—karaoke accident occurred: I dislocated my knee. Yes. I dislocated my knee whilst mouthing the words, “Are you ready boots? Start walkin'!”

I have never sung that song again.

"These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you."

Wherever you are Mr. Hazlewood: "get walkin'!"

We Need You, Howard Beale

I was reading Andrew Sullivan’s Daily Dish this morning and I saw this:



Howard Beale—played brilliantly by Peter Finch—could give that same speech today, it’s completely relevant to our current situation.

We need someone to get us up off our collective asses and shut Bush/Cheney down. We could use a good ole “Nixon resigning in shame” right about now—and Dubya is just the douchebag to do it.

Come on, people. Get mad as Hell—and don’t take it anymore.

Thankfully, We Only Need One…

Psychologists at the University of Texas at Austin claim to have catalogued over 200 reasons why people have sex. The actual number is 237, which I find amazing because, if I were to ask any of my friends their response would be, “I need a reason?”

They asked 440 men and women to get the results. What guys did they ask? Did anyone answer, “Well, I’m a guy… and I was awake”? because that would be my answer.

Some of the reasons included are:

No. 35 “I wanted to see what all the fuss was about”
No. 78 “I was on the ‘rebound’ (That’s pretty much the only way I get laid…)
No. 141 “I wanted the person to love me” (And we do love you—God bless the
whores!)
No. 46 “I wanted to get a raise” (you’d better be really good…)
No. 52 “Someone offered me money to do it” (God bless the whores!)
No. 133 “I wanted to be nice” (Thank you!)
No. 53 “I wanted to feel closer to God” (God bless the whores!)
No. 107 “I wanted to say ‘thank you.’” (No… thank you)
No. 61 “I wanted to be popular” (God bless the whores!)
No. 70 “Someone dared me” (God bless the easily manipulated)
No. 82 “I wanted to get out of doing something” (I gotta try that the next time
someone cute asks me to help them move: “Instead of that…”)
No. 121 “I didn’t know how to say ‘no.’” (Can we get this person’s address?)
No. 87 “I wanted to change the topic of conversation” (I would love to
be a fly on the wall for that conversation)
No. 15 “I was horny” (Really? That’s the best you can do?)
No. 51 "I wanted to give someone a sexually transmitted disease" (Who said romance is dead?)

It’s almost the weekend, kids. Go find yourself a reason and get busy!

Why Isn’t Brenda Dickson A Gay Icon?

Careful, Brenda—craziness is coming!
She’s campy. She’s beautiful. She’s f’ing bizarre! Josh & Josh (of Josh and Josh are Rich and Famous) have a hysterical post of several of Ms. Dickson’s videos from the 80’s. More importantly, they also link two parody videos of the first two—caution: you will laugh very hard and very loud watching them.

Sliding towards crazy
Brenda is a nut-job beyond belief. She’s not as famous as Lindsay, Paris or Brittany, but just as tragic. (Can you say “schadenfreude”?) She recently went through another divorce and the press releases she issued are amazing. Written in the third person—although, clearly evident Brenda is writing them—they quickly become rambling and incoherent. I’ve read them three times and I’m still not quite sure what’s going on—besides ‘they are all against her.’

The blank look says she's invited crazy to the party...

Two of her best lines are while she is wearing what appears to be leftover from Dynasty: "Do you like this gown? It's very dramatic." and "There was a time in my career when I wouldn't be caught dead in a gown like this." Honey, you shouldn’t be caught alive in it, either.

Of the parody videos, my favorite line has to be “My vagine is so big I had to underline it." seconded by “I'm a pirate." (You’ll understand when you see the video).

Welcome to Crazytown--population: YOU!
You really only need to watch about half of the first video to get an idea of what she’s like (crazy), but definitely watch the parodies.

The Continuing Descent of Lindsay Lohan’s Career

With only $3.1 million for its opening weekend, there is a reason the studio decided not to let the press review Lindsay Lohan’s latest film. Well, the reviews for "I Know Who Killed Me" are in. And like Lindsay, it’s pretty sad. The film appears to be yet another nail in the coffin that is Lindsay Lohan’s career:

"After a 20 minute delay in starting the movie, I had to assume the projector was taking an ethical stand and refusing to be party to the heinous act of showing this movie" Probably the best bad review… ever.

As always, thanks to dlisted.

Spider Pig
(Choral Version)



"Why should I pay for something I get for free on TV?"
--Homer J. Simpson, The Simpsons Movie

Answer: Because The Simpsons Movie is friggin' genius.

I cannot discuss this movie without giving too much away. I'll say only this: Itchy & Scratchy have found a new level of genius, the writers and producers are geniuses, Spider Pig rocks, Homer saves the day, and--while hysterical--I hope never to see Bart naked again.

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted...

I'm off for a few days for my birthday...

...Let's hope I have a little 'birthday luck'!

"Big Ginger"

"Big Ginger" is what Prince Harry's girlfriend has nicknamed him. Is this anything like "Firecrotch" for Lohan? If it is, I'm in love...

When You Care Enough To Hit Send

Check out someecards--they're hysterical. A small sampling is below. Enjoy the weekend!

For Republicans Seeking a Political Savior

I first saw this on Andrew Sullivan’s blog. It is an interesting thought posed by David Boaz at the Cato-at-Liberty blog—part of the Cato Institute:

I’d like to see a pollster ask conservative Christians two questions:

1. Would you support a presidential candidate who is divorced, has estranged relations with his children, never sees his grandchildren, rarely attends church, strongly opposes a law to ban gays from teaching school, and as governor signed the nation’s most liberal abortion law?

2. Would you support him if you knew his name was Ronald Reagan?


Makes you wonder if those idiots at FOX News have any idea who Reagan really was...

Let’s Dance Wednesday




How can you watch this video and not laugh?
How can you listen to Mika and not dance?

Two more days ‘til the weekend, kids. Enjoy the music.

(Hopefully) My Last Comment on Libby’s Clemency

Something from Andrew Sullivan’s Daily Dish… Bush is a colossal ass—he lies, he cheats, he lies, he swears, and he claims to be compassionate. Nothing could be further from the truth.

It Isn’t Easy Being Green

From the AP:
“The son of former Vice President Al Gore was arrested early Wednesday in Orange County on suspicion of possessing marijuana and prescription drugs.

“Albert Gore III was taken into custody about 2:15 a.m. after Orange County sheriff's deputies stopped him for driving about 100 mph in his Toyota Prius on the southbound Interstate 5.

“Deputies detected the ‘strong odor of marijuana,’ and a search of the car found marijuana and prescription drugs Vicodin, Valium, Xanax and Adderall, an amphetamine used to treat attention deficit disorder, Amormino said.”

REALLY? 100mph in a freakin’ Prius?! No way! How is that possible? I thought pot was supposed to slow you down. Al III got game! He and the Bush daughters should get together and party!

Keep Drinking

Johnny Walker has come up with an interesting television ad campaign—I’m not sure where they are running these, but I’m almost certain they are running in China (big hint: the last one is in Chinese). The campaign is “Keep Walking.” They are all fascinating to watch—particularly the first one.

Happy Fourth of July!

Hometown Hero (Part II)

In our last installment, San Jose's pride and joy was a drug dealer, being sued by Hershey's for selling pot in packaging simliar to their "delicious" confections. Now, we have a hot dog eating champ. Will the glory never end?

From the Associated Press:

Joey Chestnut is officially weighed in for Wednesday's Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest at Nathan's Famous at New York's Coney Island, Tuesday, July 3, 2007, in New York. Chestnut, 23, of San Jose, shattered the record held by Takeru Kobayashi of Japan by downing 59 1/2 "HDBs" _ hot dogs and buns _ during the Southwest Regional Hot Dog Eating Championship at the Arizona Mills Mall in suburban Tempe. Chestnut placed second in last year's Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest, consuming 52 hot dogs. (AP Photo / Louis Lanzano)

Greatest Marketing Gimmick… EVER.

7-Eleven is tying in with the release of The Simpsons Movie this summer by re-imagining 12 of their stores as Kwik-E-Marts—both inside and out. Genius! Absolute genius!

The employees are in Apu-styled Kwik-E-Mart smocks, the hot dogs are “bun-o-licious”, they sell Buzz Cola, Krusty-O’s Cereal, and best of all: Squishees! Silly? Yes. But there are lines of people waiting to get into a friggin’ 7-Eleven! When has that ever happened before?

Unfortunately, they were out of Buzz Cola when I arrived, but they had plenty of Krusty-O’s and Squishees. I got a very delicious "WooHoo! Blue Vanilla Squishee" (mmmm… Vanilla Squishee… aaaaggh…). I did appreciate the sign on the front door that read: “Thank you for loitering.”

The best part: as I was leaving the Indian guy behind the counter—without a hint of irony—said, “Thank you, come again.” No, Apu, thank you.

Bush Commutes Libby Prison Sentence
(Founding Fathers Weep Uncontrollably)


traitor


Jeez… even Paris Hilton did 23 days for driving on a suspended license. But operate in what best can be described as a treasonous act? Commuted sentence.

Nice.

We’ll just add that to the long list of Bush Administration offences.

Am I the only one who realizes that the man who has sworn—with his hand on the bible, no less—to uphold The Constitution of the United States, as pretty much just shredded it?

I’m sure our do-nothing Congress will be all flustered for the cameras and then will quietly go on with their summer vacation.