Score 100%* for Chrismatica™

Ellen certainly did well last night, didn’t she? Funny, witty, charming… much like the Chrismatica™ picks for this years Oscars™!

Let’s check out how we did:


Best Picture: The Departed. Called it!

Best Actress: Helen Mirren Called it!

Best Actor: Forest Whitaker Called it!

Best Supporting Actress: That American Idol chick… Called it!

Best Supporting Actor: Alan Arkin Called it!

Best Director: Martin Scorsese Called it!

Best Animated Film: Happy Feet Called it!

Best Documentary Feature: An Inconvenient Truth Called it! [You know FOX “News” is just squirming over this one… heh, heh, heh…]

Best Foreign Language Film: Pan’s Labyrinth D’Oh!

Best Original Screenplay: Little Miss Sunshine Called it!

Best Adapted Screenplay: Notes on a Scandal D’Oh!

Best Original Score: Babel Called it! **

Not bad…




*For the “Top Six”: Picture, Actor, Actress, Supporting Actor, Supporting Actress, and Director.

**Total guess, but I still got it right!

Snow Melts


I love it when these bastards get hit and hit hard. It's about time that the press corps stands up to the White House and their Bullsh**. Check it out the transcript and video of Tony Snow attempting to duck the increasingly hostile questions from the White House Press Corps.

Bush claims to support the troops, but his version of support is to send more men and women into harms way, while giving substandard care to the injured, as reported by the Washington Post.

I think it's time we start talking about impeachment--this clown has got to go. I don't care if it is less than 700 days away, it's 700 too many.

Anna Nicole is ALIVE!

While the sad and tragic story of Anna Nicole Smith continues to unfold in the courts—her “family,” “friends,” and “lovers” are all fighting over her body, child and—MOSTLY—her money.

Yet, her spirit lives on… apparently, in the sad and tragic mess that is Britney Spears. I’m sure you’ve heard about the shaving her head, getting annoying tattoos, and then going in (and-out-and-in-again-and-out-again-and-in-yet-once-more) to rehab.

As my dear friend Michele noted, “I feel like I ought to feel sorry, or at least pity, for her because she's a woman obviously in need of help, but I can't quite muster it up.” The chick is a mess and has the resources to take care of it—Doesn’t this woman have a family? What about her Label--they have a vested interest in keeping that cash cow mooing along. Certainly, she needs to get her act together for her kids.

I was starting fully immerse myself in the schadenfreude-ishness of this whole mess, when I remembered All of Me. Think about it… it all makes sense, doesn’t it? Anna has taken over Brittney’s body and managed to lower her IQ even more (hardly thought possible).

Someone get a Prahka and a bowl... we've got work to do!

"And The Oscar Goes To..."

Time was, the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences would post its nominations for the Oscars and I would scratch my head and note that I had missed seeing one of the films (on bad years, it was two!). This year I looked at the list and struggled to find one movie I had seen.

Eventually, I found it (Borat), but I did manage to see a few more, although my count is up to a paltry 10… (of which only four are in the total of 14 films in the top six categories).

That said, let it never be said that Chrismatica™ is not willing to compete for the glory of Oscar and the rewards that it brings (sadly, neither monetarily, nor socially). So here are my predictions for the 2006 Academy Awards:

Best Picture: The Departed. No one saw any of these films, but this is the one they say is the best. Possible Upset: Little Miss Sunshine… but I doubt it.

Best Actress: Helen Mirren. From what I hear, she’s running unopposed…

Best Actor: Forest Whitaker. Possible Upset for Peter O’Toole, because he looks like he’s going to die at any minute. Another possible upset: Ryan Gosling will be let in the doors of the Academy without being stopped. Who is he? Seriously, who the heck is this guy?

Best Supporting Actress: That American Idol chick…

[REVISED] Best Supporting Actor: Alan Arkin —he’s old Hollywood (well, old by today’s standards) and it was a great performance. Possible Upset: Eddie Murphy—as long as they voted before Norbit came out…

Best Director: Too bad Martin Scorsese is going to win for a picture that is not nearly as good as any of his other films. He got the DGA award, it’s a lock.

Best Animated Film: Happy Feet (it’s got a freakin’ message). Cars could upset it, because those guys in LA LOVE their freakin’ cars…

Best Documentary Feature: An Inconvenient Truth. Everyone wants to see Al Gore win something. Possible Upset: The one about The Holocaust (there’s always one… and it always wins…)

Best Foreign Language Film: Let’s go with Pan’s Labyrinth. That looks good (No one sees these things, so it’s all about looks/feel).

Best Original Screenplay: Little Miss Sunshine It’s not going to win Best Picture, so we’ll give it a “good for you!” award.

Best Adapted Screenplay: Notes on a Scandal Lost at the WGAs, but it’s very “writerly” and I think they are already tiring over The Departed winner two big awards.

Best Original Score: Tough one… I’m sure the most awful will win, whichever that is. Let’s go with Babel, because when I closed my eyes and poked at the list, it’s the one I hit.

Shame on You

According to the White House, the insurgency in Iraq is being heavily sponsored by Iran. My gosh, what can we do about that?

Bush—I’m sure with great reservations—would want to attack Iran, so we can be greeted as liberators. However, the rest of the world—including a surprisingly skeptical Congress—is asking for proof.

And that just freaks Bush out.

Why would we doubt him? Sure, he completely exaggerated the reasons for going to war with Iraq—if one would consider complete lies an exaggeration. Where is the plutonium? Where are the weapons of mass destruction? Hell, where are those greeters that would be cheering us with flowers and calling us liberators? Considering how he walked into Iraq without knowing the difference between Sunnis and Shiites, well, maybe their trying to blow us up is actually a sign of affection?

Mr. Bush, they have a saying in Texas—I I know it's in California, probably in Texas — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again.

Maybe They’re Just Not Into Me…


A few weeks back I had a date with this guy I’ll call Karl* We met online (already you can see a happy ending, right?). We seem to hit it off, going back and forth in emails, he was adorable, he said the right things, and I was very into him.

We try for a few weeks for a “date”** and finally find a mutually agreed upon time and place—his place, Saturday at 1:00pm. He calls to move it to 3:00… then to 6:30… then to 8:00. I was filled with confidence that it was something he wanted to do.

I met him at his place and he seemed to be pretty nice. We had a number of similar interests (besides fucking) and we had what I think was a pretty nice time. Then, he shut off. I mean, it was literally like someone turned off a switch in him and he was so incredibly not into me at all. Did I mention that this was in the middle of me fucking him? No? Because I think that’s important.

[CAUTION: Graphic stuff my sister will NOT want to read ahead]
I’m not so much an ass man—sure, I like the butt. I like to stick certain appendages into another man’s nether regions, but that appendage would be my dick. Not my fist. But, I’m a nice guy and while the whole hand doesn’t go in—enough fingers went in to… uh… okay, it was three. I had three friggin’ fingers in and my hand was cramping like nobody’s business. We had fucked, rested a bit and now I was trying to get him back into the game.
[Okay, Alix, you can read again]

Being the trouper that I am, I assist him in “getting his cookie.”*** However, I can not say that Karl did the same for me. Apparently, his violent—freakishly long and intense—orgasm did not turn the switch back on. In fact, he seemed to become even less interested in me—which until that point I thought impossible.

We said our goodnights and I thought about it on my long ride home with my very blue balls: what did I do or not do that got him to go from 90 to zero in three seconds? I did everything he asked, nay, begged me to do.

I sent him a “thanks” email the next day and asked him to send me a link he’d mentioned the night before. I was hoping for a “sorry you didn’t get off” note back, or even a “it’s not you, it’s me” note.****

He sent nothing. I never heard from him again.

Fuck the fucking fucker. I moved on.

So, Friday I went to The City for a beer and hoping to have a nice time—not necessarily meet someone, but to have a good time. Which is a total lie, because every time I have met someone in SF, it’s been a Friday.

Moments after arriving, I was standing in the patio of this bar and I see this somewhat attractive Hispanic guy talking to another guy. I kept looking over at Hispanic Guy because he seemed cute. But, the way he was talking to the Black Guy, I figured they were into each other and walked away.

A minute later, Hispanic Guy walks up and introduces himself. I’ll call him “HG”. HG was really sweet, we had much in common, not only on basic things (we both hate fish) but on issues like relationships (don’t like dating guys claiming to be in “open relationships” or having an open relationship).

He asked me if I wanted another beer and we walked to the bar. Under the light of the bar I got a clear look at him: Oh. My. God. Stunning. Gorgeous eyes, beautiful smile, and just so wonderful to look at!

We moved from the patio back inside and that’s where I kissed him. Very out of character for me, but every cell in my body was screaming for me to do it. So I did it. And it was good.

He said he was a good pool player and put his name on the board to play. While we waited for his name to come up, we found a corner and made out.***** He was so lovely to kiss and he kept telling me how handsome I was—I just kept kissing him and thanking God HG has not been to an optometrist in a long time.

When it came time for HG to play pool, he kept blaming the table for all his missed shots. I found it adorable that he was worried I wasn’t impressed at his sucking at pool. It could not have mattered less. First, I’m a horrible pool player, and, second, he kept bending over to shoot, giving me a nice view of his cute butt.

HG barely won the first match and then went on to beat the next 5 guys easily. The man made some very incredible shots! I was initially in doubt as to his billiard skills, but ended up very impressed with this adorable guy.

About this time, the bar was getting ready to close and he came across a friend of his and a buddy of the friend. The buddy was very in to my man! When the bar closed and HG, HG’s friend, and I went outside, Buddy followed like a horny puppy. He made sure to note he was 24 and remark on everything HG would say with, “awesome” or or “cool” Or “I’ve heard that.” I really wanted to say, “You’ve heard it? Really? Tell us about it then, bullshitter!” But I didn’t want to come across as the jealous type.

I was even more dumbfounded that Buddy was as subtle as an anvil. When HG said he was parked “at the corner,” Buddy started on his oh-so-understated “so-o-o you like corners, do you?” type comments. Then, when HG was grabbing onto a No Parking post, Buddy started leeching out comments like, “so, you like poles, too. I like poles.” Yeah, I would have liked to have taken one of those poles and bashed it over Buddy’s head.

But—as I have said—I’m not the jealous type.

Finally, when Buddy said, “I totally need a ride home.” I groaned. I wanted to say, “You waited until fucking 2 o’clock in the fucking morning to fucking ask the last three guys at the bar for a ride home to Fremont?” Did I mention that HG lives in Fremont, too? I didn’t? Well, he fucking does and Buddy fucking knew it.

Realizing that HG’s friend was pushing hard on this whole thing with his “I’ve got plans and can’t take him home” comments. Who has plans at 2 o’fucking clock in the morning? “Call me tomorrow.” I said to HG as I left.

I liked the guy, but if he’s going to fall for some dip-shit 24 year-old drunk-ass bullshitter, then he’s not the man for me.

HG (my man!) called about ten on Saturday morning and we agreed to meet for lunch. He did not give Buddy a “ride home” or, for that matter, a ride home.

We sat across from each other in a booth at Chili’s (hey, it was Milpitas, what are you going to do?) and he wrapped my legs with his (It was more subtle than it sounds)******

After lunch, we went to a movie, so we could hold hands and make out. What I saw of the movie I liked and since it was raining really hard, we sat in my car afterwards and made out. It was wonderful!

I felt like a teenager breaking the rules. I’ll tell you, sitting in the back of the theatre, walking out and wanting to hold hands, making out in the car… it was all such secretive fun. Sure, it doesn’t matter if you’re gay, but we were in freakin’ Milpitas—they kill people for stuff like that there. I now know why people have affairs: it’s damn exciting stuff doing something that you might “get caught.” Even if it doesn’t matter if you do. I now get it.

Sitting in my car and steaming up the windows was everything I missed out on in high school. I didn’t have those experiences (because I didn’t want them with a girl), but this was my moment and I enjoyed every last second of it).

Since we are taking it slow (in the gay world we should have had sex about 12 times by this point) we weren’t going to go fuck somewhere, but we did want a place to at least snuggle and talk (I know… how gay!). He lives with two straight guys and I live with my sister who finds any kind of public display of affection annoying—double for the gays.

HG was tired, so I asked him if he wanted to go home, take a nap and then to give me a call when he woke up. He agreed, we kissed a little more…

…and that’s the last I have heard from him.

It is well over 24 hours past when he was supposed to call. That’s a mighty long nap… or he finally got to the optometrist...

While I am tempted to call, I don’t want to hear any lies. I would rather think that he’s just not into me, rather than have him make up some bullshit answer. “I meant to…” “You’re not going to believe this but…” or the classic “Something suddenly came up.”*******

However, the ever obsessive part of me continues to ponder what the hell I did to have him grabbing and groping me at one minute and then completely forget about me the next? What do I do to these guys that cause them not to let me down gently, but to run screaming from the room?

Before you say, I'm over-reacting to his napping and not calling—Did I mention that he mentioned Friday night that he doesn’t like to take naps, because he never really gets to sleep? Or am I being too subtle?













*Because Karl is his name.
**“date” in gay means “fuck.”
*** “Making sex is like a Chinese dinner: It ain't over 'til you both get your cookies.” Alec Baldwin, Outside Providence (1999)
****Which means “it’s so about you.
*****It’s a gay bar… I believe it’s a requirement—staking out territory and all that.
******For reals.
*******© Greg Brady (1973)


Update: I broke down and called HG. I got his voicemail. What was bothering me was the not knowing, but more than that was the waiting for him to call. I gave him the power over how this would go. I took it back… and instantly felt better. I guess I still wonder what happened, but right now, I have got more important things to worry about: school, work and a party I am going to this weekend (maybe I can meet someone else to obsess over for two days!)

Together Again...

According to ABC News, the sad, tragic, and fascinating life of Anna Nicole Smith has come to an equally sad, tragic and fascinating end. She did a lot of living in her 39 years.

So, who is going to play her in the movie? I smell a comback for Demi Moore...

God Bless Dan Savage

I love Dan Savage, besides writing one of the best (and most entertaining) sex columns in the country, he's a damn fine writer.

Read THIS. I love it when Republicans get put in their place and I love it more when "Log Cabin Republicans" get shut down... and I love it the most when it happens to anyone connected with the Bush Administration. Yeah... I'm LOVING this!

Anthony Castro – RIP


Scooter sent me this. It’s sad when someone young dies, sadder still when they have so much potential. I think it’s great that ESPN covered this—they tend to be (surprise!) very homophobic.

Oh, For the Love of Cruise!


According to The Sun, Tom Cruise is the new “Christ” of Scientology and that the 'church' leaders believe that in the future he "will be worshipped like Jesus for his work to raise awareness of the religion." I believe this to be true--as it has been written by the prophets: "When he pours, he reigns." Oh, Tom, watch over us...

So, let us turn to the Book of Suri and in Chapter 7, verse 9, we read: “And yeah, there is a balance to the Universe, for every ‘Top Gun,’ there lies an ‘Eyes Wide Shut;’ for every ‘Magnolia,’ there will be ‘Cocktail;’ for every ‘Jerry Maguire,’ let there be ‘Days of Thunder;’ for with ‘Born on the Fourth of July,’ there must be a ‘Losin' It.’ Work for the best, work for the worst, but always—yeah, ALWAYS—work for the paycheck. So sayeth Tom.”

And yes, like Christ, many wonderful, valuable, and inspiring quotes will be attributed to Him… none more so than: “Respect the cock... and tame the cunt. Tame it.” I'm not sure which book that's from, but it sounds like either Luke or John..."

I would be remiss, Mr. Cruise, if I did not mention that even Christ wouldn't make a piece of shit like Cocktail.

Get Behind Thee, Satan!



I saw this at The Socialite's Life blog (a daily must-read) and I couldn't stop laughing. Sure, there is something here that makes me wonder if it's real. But, there is such a sense of "truthiness" here that I'm willing to go with it.

As 'The Socialite' pointed out: keep an eye out for the real stars of this video: the scissors.

UPDATE: This has been revealed as to be staged. The girls are actors and this was a script that one of them wrote. They were on Good Morning America talking about it. I still laugh when I watch this because you just know somewhere this happened and some poor bastard is now married to it.

In other news...
Oscar nominations are out and Chrismatica© is having a tought time, because Chris hasn't gotten his out to a movie in a while and he's got no idea what's going to win. Plus, he's referring to himself in the third person, which is never a good sign...

Christmas is So Last Month...

I'm so behind on things like this. I could not stop laughing while watching this and I can't wait until next Christmas to post. Very clever--enjoy!

My Fine is $585.60

I saw this over at Kelly Stern’s blog (who in turn, saw it on someone else's blog) and felt compelled to post it… My, how it ads up! So scroll through, add it up and leave a comment as to what you owe.

How much money do you owe?

Here’s how it works: You don’t have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine. (Not per incident!) Tally up your score and post it on your blog with the title… “My Fine Is…”

Smoked pot — $10
Did acid — $5
Ever had sex at church — $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you — $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace — $25
Had sex for money — $100
Vandalized something — $20
Had sex on your parents’ bed — $10
Beat up someone — $20
Been jumped — $10
Crossed dressed — $10
Given money to stripper — $25
Been in love with a stripper — $20
Kissed some one who’s name you didn’t know — $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work — $15
Ever drive drunk — $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk — $50
Used toys while having sex — $30
Got drunk, passed out and don’t remember the night before — $20
Went skinny dipping — $5
Had sex in a pool — $20
Kissed someone of the same sex — $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex — $20
Cheated on your significant other — $10
Masturbated — $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend — $20
Done oral — $5
Got oral — $5
Done/got oral in a car while it was moving — $25
Stole something — $10
Had sex with someone in jail — $25
Made a nasty home video — $15
Had a threesome — $50
Had sex in the wild — $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex — $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars — $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older — $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 — $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time — $50
Said you love someone but didn’t mean it — $25
Went streaking — $5
Went streaking in broad daylight — $15
Been arrested — $5
Spent time in jail — $15
Peed in the pool — $0.50
Played spin the bottle — $5
Done something you regret — $20
Had sex with your best friend — $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work — $25
Had anal sex — $80
Lied to your mate — $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good — $25

Chris’ total: $585.60
(Will they will take a post-dated, three-party check...?)

Bush to Send Pocket-Sized Marines to Iraq


President Bush, after being saluted by a 'pocket-sized' Marine, has stated that he will send the "L'il Marines" to Iraq to "really get in there where the normal-sized Marines can't git." Yeah, I'm bullshitting, but it does look like Dubya is being saluted by a munchkin, doesn't it?

Dubya recently stated, "I'm the decision-maker" on sending more troops to Iraq. So far, Mr. President, your decisions have all been the worst decisions ever. Your "gut-instincts" are always wrong. I think you need to look deep, deep in to the chasm where your soul ought to be and do exactly the opposite and maybe--just maybe--you won't bring about the end of mankind.

But then again, you're a moron of biblical proportions, so I'm sure you'll fuck up whatever you do.

Goodbye, Ashley!

According to USA Today: "Miss New Jersey USA Ashley Harder has resigned from presiding over ribbon-cutting ceremonies and other world-saving photo-ops to focus on a more challenging matter: motherhood."

My favorite quote from Ms. Harder: "Life happens. Initially, I was a tiny bit disappointed, I wouldn't be competing. But there was no comparing the two: Miss USA or a baby, a baby that had been sent to me by God."

Don't forget to thank the broken condom...

Hello, David!


It looks like David Beckham and Posh Spice will be making their way to Los Angeles to attempt to bring Major League Soccer to the masses of America. Didn’t they try and do that in the 70’s with Pelé? Let’s hope that if David decides he wants to act, he’ll steer clear of a remake of Victory.

There is much discussion on Becks age and how he’s “getting old.” The man is fricken 31… and he’s old.

Regardless, Becks and Posh will certainly turn our dreary eyes from Brad & Angelina and Tom & Katie (“Brangelina” and “Tomkat” for those of you who live for this). And maybe—just maybe—our eyes will turn to soccer. I would be more hesitant to think that America may get to like soccer, but there were three big articles on the sports page this morning on Barry Bonds’ latest testing positive for performance enhancing drugs… and next to each, there was an article on David Beckham. Who knows, this just may be what America needs.

Frankly, I don’t care what sport a guy plays, but if he looks like this—I’m watching!

What an Asshole!*

Scooter sent me an email the other day noting that “we are living among fascists.” Here’s some shit I cannot believe:




What the hell is going on, people? When did expressing your Constitutional right to Free Speech make you an “enemy of the state”? Does this man understand The Constitution?

Sean Hannity—who can best be described as a “TV personality” and certainly not as a journalist—is determining who is a “good American”? Hannity wouldn’t understand a good American if it came up and kicked him in the ass—and frankly, a good American would do just that.







*Not Dubya! Although he came in a close third, right after Dick “Go Fuck Yourself” Cheney.

Gotta Love The Navy


God Bless the U.S. Navy! Homophobes that they may be, their Annapolis web site contains a whole section dedicated to their athletics program… and all the hot jocks therein contained (they seem like such a happy bunch of kids, don't they?)

Sadly, I cannot find a photo gallery of the Lacrosse team, but there are plenty of wonderful pictures for the football, soccer, baseball and water polo teams. (sigh)

They’re disciplined, love their country, and are all hot ‘n sweaty.

For my lesbian reader, yes, they do have a women’s golf team… why do you ask? (but don’t tell!)


Mmm. Mmm. Mmmph.

Images Copyright © 2007, U. S. Naval Academy All rights reserved

Happy New Year!

Good Lord, has it been so long since I’ve last posted? I’m such a slacker… such a goddamn slacker. I’m embracing it. I’m owning it.

Since I’ve been away, several news events have happened and I’ve not commented… here’s my brief look back at what I failed to comment on in December (in no particular order):

Saddam Hussein is dead. That bastard was still alive? I gotta read the newspaper now and again.

Gerald Ford died. Not exactly a shocker… (93 and piss-poor health the last year). However, he had a significant role in U.S. history and I think the pardon of Nixon was a good thing. I am seriously enjoying* watching the state funeral. I love me some pomp and circumstance (but mostly the pomp).

Have you heard “Christmas Shoes”? Apparently, there are a number of people that think this is a fantastic song. I’m a sap of the highest order. I cry at just about any sentimental thing on TV… but this song is just crap. Anytime someone says “mama is gonna see Jesus” I just check out. Of course, there’s a chorus of kids singing, so we’ll all feel that holiday tug and go buy this crappy song. What kid wants to buy his mother shoes?** Hate to tell you this kid, but when they burry you, it’s sans shoes. Ain’t that a kicker? What kid knows his mom’s shoe size? Well, what straight kid, anyway…

Michael Lucas is the greatest porn director. Okay, there are adult films I enjoy more, but his films are truly films. They aren’t pornos, they are films with a lot (and I mean a LOT) of naked men banging each other—however, there is a substantial plot! Unheard of in the porn world. His two latest (and yes, I own them) are “Dangerous Liaisons” and “La Dolce Vita”. Correction, the titles are; “Michael Lucas’ Dangerous Liaisons” and “Michael Lucas’ La Dolce Vita”. Along with a big schlong, Michael has a big ego. When did I get these stunning films you ask, right about the time that I stopped posting. Don’t tell me I’m not using my time effectively…

I couldn’t get enough of the Christmas songs this year. Had them on my iPod, on the radio, on the TV… I just loved them. Well, exception being that f’ing shoe song.

I ended the year with a cold. Such a nasty little bugger that I couldn’t go out and celebrate! What a horrible way to ring in the new year. However, I was on the phone talking to Scotty—also home sick with a cold—when the New Year passed, so I wasn’t completely alone.

Speaking of cold... where the Hell is the global warming I've been hearing so much about? My ass is freezing! I'm sleeping in flannel sheets, under an electric blanket, a down blanket and a down comforter and I'm still freezing! Someone is not driving their Hummer nearly enough...

SNL Digital Short: Dick in a Box. Need I say more? Hysterical. Genius. Classic.

Daniel Craig as the new Bond. I’m in love. LOVE. The man is amazing. Stunning. Redefined Bond and I couldn’t be happier. When I first heard they had hired this blonde guy to replace my beloved Pierce Brosnan, I thought “No f’ing way!” However, I was wrong. SO WRONG. The man is a total stud. I’m looking forward to the next Bond… oh, yeah, the movie was good, too…

Weeds. Damn, I’m so mad I have to wait for this show to end up on DVD before I can see the last season—in the interest of money, we gave up Showtime. However, if you have not seen the show, you must catch it at your earliest convenience. Here is some classic dialog (in this case a monologue) where in Uncle Andy explains masturbation to his nephew Shane. All I want to know is, where was this guy when I was going through puberty?

Alright, listen closely, I'm not gonna beat around the bush...
Your little body's changing, it's all good, believe me, the problem now is, everytime we jerk the gerkin we end up with a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right... So, first order of business, NO MORE SOCKS, they're expensive, gumming up the works, plumbing-wise, but you might be thinking to yourself "But uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock?" Glad you asked. You can have a lovely time tugging the tiger in the shower each morning, and that eliminates the need for a goo glove, but the day is long, masturbation's fun, so unless we want to take four or five showers everyday we're gonna need some other options here... So let's start with the basics... Tissues... Perfectly acceptable back stop for all that creamy italian... it can be rough and dry on such soft sensitive skin, not to mention it can get stuck to your dick head like a fuckin band aid.. ouch. From then on we move on to more lubricated flag catchers, specifically... BANANAS. Step one: Peel the banana. Step two: slip the peel over your andy johnson, start pitchin. Now for extra credit, warm up the peel on the microwave, not too hot, (serious youser), also olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner and vaseline can all be used for lube. In my opinion the best lube... is lube. So save your allowance, invest in some soon. Alright moving on, when you tug your thomas on the toilet, pfft, shoot right into the bowl. In bed, soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own if you don't mind tossin after tossin. There's no such thing as polishing the raised ceptre of love too much. It reduces the stress, it enhances immune functions... Also, practice makes perfect, so work on your control now while you're a solo artist, you'll be playing some long happy duets in the future. Alright, class dismissed...
Hey... Homework.

On that note, have a Happy New Year… and go get yourself some bananas.














*Enjoying is a bad term, but darn if I can think of one more apt and, as I stated above, I'm too much of a slacker to do find anything better.
**Imelda Marcos’ kids notwithstanding.

Infamy

On this historic day, something from Yahoo News:

Pearl Harbor survivors meet for last time
By JAYMES SONG, Associated Press Writer

PEARL HARBOR, Hawaii - With their number quickly dwindling, survivors of Pearl Harbor will gather Thursday one last time to honor those killed by the Japanese 65 years ago, and to mark a day that lives in infamy.

This will be their last visit to this watery grave to share stories, exchange smiles, find peace and salute their fallen friends. This, they say, will be their final farewell.

"This will be one to remember," said Mal Middlesworth, president of the Pearl Harbor Survivors Association. "It's going to be something that we'll cherish forever."

The survivors have met here every five years for four decades, but they're now in their 80s or 90s and are not counting on a 70th reunion. They have made every effort to report for one final roll call.

"We're like the dodo bird. We're almost extinct," said Middlesworth, now an 83-year-old retiree from Upland, Calif., but then — on Dec. 7, 1941 — an 18-year-old Marine on the USS San Francisco.

Nearly 500 survivors from across the nation were expected to make the trip to Hawaii, bringing with them 1,300 family members, numerous wheelchairs and too many haunting memories.

Memories of a shocking, two-hour aerial raid that destroyed or heavily damaged 21 ships and 320 aircraft, that killed 2,390 people and wounded 1,178 others, that plunged the United States into World War II and set in motion the events that led to atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

"I suspect not many people have thought about this, but we're witnessing history," said Daniel Martinez, chief historian at the USS Arizona Memorial. "We are seeing the passing of a generation."

___

The attack may have occurred 65 years ago, but survivors say they can still hear the explosions, smell the burning flesh, taste the sea water and hear the cries.

"The younger ones were crying, 'Mom! Mom! Mom!'" said Edward Chun, who witnessed the attack from the Ten-Ten dock, just a couple hundred yards away from Battleship Row.

Chun, 83, had just begun his workday as a civilian pipe fitter when he was thrust into assisting in everything from spraying water on the ships to aiding casualties.

"From the time the first bomb dropped and for the next 15 minutes, it was complete chaos," he said. "Nobody knew what was going on. Everybody was running around like a chicken with their head cut off."

Chun saw the Oklahoma and West Virginia torpedoed by Japanese aircraft. He heard the tapping of sailors trapped in the hulls of sunken ships. He escaped death when Ten-Ten was strafed, leaving behind dead and wounded.

"How I never got hit, I don't know," said Chun, who was later drafted and served in the Korean and Vietnam wars. "I'll tell you a secret: When your number comes up, you're going to go. Well, every morning I get up, I change my number."

Everett Hyland doesn't know how he stayed alive when almost everyone around him didn't. He was radioman aboard the Pennsylvania, which was in Dry Dock No. 1, and was helping transport ammunition to the anti-aircraft gun when a bomb exploded.

Badly burned, Hyland regained consciousness 18 days later, on Christmas night. During that time, his older brother visited.

"The only way he knew it was me was the tag on my toe," Hyland said. "He (later) told me we looked like roast turkeys lined up."

Today, scar tissue covers most of his arms and legs.

"I got a quick facial out of it. I used to be a freckled-faced kid," he said. "I don't have any lips. They could fix faces, but they couldn't build any lips."

And he was lucky.

Many of the dead were teenage sailors and Marines away from home for the first time. They died before they had an opportunity to get married, have children, build lives.

Four in five servicemen on the USS Arizona — 1,177 in all — did not survive the day. It was the greatest loss of life of any ship in U.S. naval history. They remain entombed in the battleship's sunken hull, which still seeps oil every few seconds, leaving a colorful sheen on the harbor water.

The survivors say they have more than horrific memories to offer. "Remember Pearl Harbor" is just the first half of the association's motto; the rest is "Keep America alert."

Martinez said many Pearl Harbor survivors were disheartened by the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, "as if they had not done their job hard enough."

Once again, it seemed that America had been caught sleeping. Interest in Pearl Harbor and its aging survivors surged. The old soldiers are much in demand — to sign autographs, walk in parades, speak to classrooms and pose for pictures. Visits to the USS Arizona Memorial are at record levels.

Not that everyone sees similarities between the two attacks. "There is no comparison," Hyland said. "That was terrorists killing a pile of civilians. Here, you had professional fighters versus professional fighters. Two different things."

There are those who are unable to forgive the Japanese, But others testify to the power of reconciliation.

"There are some guys that are going to die with hate in their heart. I don't have in me any hatred in my heart," said 87-year-old survivor Lee Soucy, of Plainview, Texas. "They were doing their job just like we were."

Hyland, who was almost killed in the attack, married a woman from Japan. They met at the 50th Pearl Harbor anniversary and wed the following year.

"I got over it a long time ago," he said.

___

Former NBC anchor Tom Brokaw, who dubbed Americans who came of age during the Great Depression and World War II "the greatest generation," agreed to be keynote speaker for Thursday's ceremony. A moment of silence at 7:55 a.m. was to mark the time when the attack began.

Martinez, the USS Arizona historian, likened it to another reunion 68 years ago — the final gathering of Civil War veterans in Gettysburg, Pa., when aging warriors in blue and gray shook hands and shared war stories. In 1938, as in 2006, the nation faced an uncertain future in a world gripped by conflict.

"The passing of that generation had its moment and we're going to have ours," he said.

But some veterans don't believe, or refuse to accept, that this will be the last major gathering.

"They claimed the 60th was going to be the last one. Now they have the 65th. When they have the 70th, then they'll be claiming, 'This will be the last one,'" Hyland said. "They've been crying wolf too many times."

Hyland does accept the fact that their numbers are falling fast.

"We all have our turn and our turn is getting closer," he said.

But until then, they are drawn to Pearl Harbor, and to each other. Military historian Douglas Smith, a professor at the U.S. Naval War College in Newport, R.I., says they are proud of their service and eager to return "to their glory days," but most of all they revel in the bonds they formed long ago, when they were young.

The bond is so strong that some ask to have their ashes interred inside the Arizona, laid to rest with shipmates who were not so fortunate as to survive Dec. 7, 1941.

"They're coming home," Middlesworth said. "They feel they're coming home."