Slap & Tickle

What Brings You Here This Week…
(Apparently, NOT Boobs)*
Giada has been bumped off the top of the list of what brings people to S&T. The seemingly endless search for Giada’s “boobs” continues—as well as shirtless Chris Evans and Anderson Cooper, with a shirtless Tyler Florence bringing up the rear and providing a “Food Network bookend” to the searches for celebrities—it was a link on I Eat Boys For Breakfast that brought the most eyes to my site. I only hope they weren’t disappointed at the lack of hot man pics…

Miladysa and Evil Gay Lawyer were the other top links bringing eyes to my site. Hopefully, in 2006 I can return the favor to these great blogs. Seriously, Miladysa is a wonderful writer, EGL cracks me up and IEBFB is just lovely to look at.

Thank you for bringing people to my humble little page—and Happy New Year to you all!


The Chronicles of Narnia… with Audio Commentary

I went to see The Chronicles of Narnia last night at the Camera Cinemas and was treated to an “audio commentary” from the idiot woman behind me throughout the movie.

She was not loud enough to be talking, but she wanted her whisper to be loud enough for her friends around her to hear. This made it possible for anyone around her to also hear her inane jokes and her pointing out of the obvious.

The movie starts with the blitz in London… “It’s the London blitz!” she pointed out to her friends, who, if they didn’t know already, were fucking idiots. But, they were with her, so there is some debate on whether they knew or not…

She continued to point out obvious facts: “It’s a Phoenix!” “It’s the White Witch’s Castle” “I bet they’re all going to come alive.” It went on an on. I kept turning my head and occasionally saying “shh,” which is my polite way of saying, “Shut the hell up, you cow!” But she was either oblivious, or talking and couldn’t hear me.

I then I discovered she’s a Cat Person. In this wonderful world of ours, there are Dog People, who love dogs and there are Cat People, who obsess over—and love every stinkin’ bit of ‘the cat experience.’ She’s the latter. Not to say I don’t like cats or cat people, but I don’t like cats or cat people. I had a cat as a kid… he was just like a dog. I loved that cat. It’s the only cat I can stand. I’m sorry, it’s just the way I am: I love Aslan the Lion makes his grand entrance, Cat Bitch cries out, “OOOH! It’s just like my kitty!”

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Just like your kitty, you say? Just like it? Your cat is a 7 foot Lion? Really? How amazing for you. Or is it really some nasty little tabby cat that you like to pretend is a lion? Good for you and your healthy imagination… except you’re an adult, so your just a head case.

A short while later, at a key moment in the story, Aslan breathes onto a frozen creature to release the White Witches spell. It should be an amazing moment. I say “should” because just at that moment, Miss Justlikemykitty coos: “Kitty breath!” LOUDLY!

Yep, there is nothing cuter than kitty breath, is there? Stinking, smelly, fish-fur-ass-&-cat food-smelling kitty breath. I’d rather remain frozen, rather than have stanky “kitty breath!” releasing me, thank you very much.

Being the non-confrontational bloke I am, I just let her ramble on. However, I did sigh loudly (Oh, Chris, you’re such the rebel!) and I looked back every time she muttered something stupid or ridiculous (which is why my neck is so sore today—I should sue her for whiplash). My only comment was when I was walking out of the theatre I looked at Scooter and uttered in a LOUD AND MOCKING HIGH PITCHED TONE, “OOOH! It’s just like my kitty!”

I doubt she got it… or she thought I was a cat person, too. Which I’d sooner die than be labeled as.

As for the movie? I liked it. I probably would have really liked it had she not been there, but when I wasn’t shushing Cat Bitch, or rolling my eyes, or groaning loudly, I was enjoying what little I saw of the movie.

Please go see it… and if a Cat Person sits behind you, don’t hesitate to tell them to shut up, because once someone starts their commentary, they won’t shut up…







*The title of the picture is "Boobs with Straw Hat"... I kid you not. I'm really hoping for a search next week for "Boobs wearing a hat."

**except for the one I just made, other than that—and the one coming up—I’m sorry, but I just don’t like cats.