Slap & Tickle

Katrina, Knock It Off, You Bitch!

What the hell just happened? I thought this was going to be another one of those lookout-it’s-coming-oh-it-wasn’t-that-bad kind of storms we’ve been seeing of late. It usually starts with FOX coming up with some exciting graphics and music and ends with CNN pushing Anderson Cooper outside in the rain so he can stand there telling us “It doesn’t look that bad, but it’s really windy…”

I think everyone got complacent. I think everyone in Jesus-Land felt that 1) everyone has cried wolf so many times that it doesn’t matter, and 2) that Jesus would never let anything happen to them (they did vote for Dubya… doesn’t that count?)

Have we learned our lesson? When they say to get out you should GET THE F**K OUT! God will protect you... if you follow the warning. Duh.

However, I think we have been looking at this wrong. We see the Atlantic’s fury being unleashed on an innocent and unsuspecting land mass who has done nothing to provoke these temper tantrums.

The problem isn’t the ocean or the storms; the problem is Florida. I always used to think of Florida as “America’s Wang” innocently dangling off the bible-belt buckle that is Georgia. Let’s face it: it looks like an “average” uncut dick (as geographic formations go). Now, Norway and Sweden are significantly better hung… but then they ARE European.

Also, note that Norway and Sweden look like they are glad to be in Europe, pleased to be well endowed (and double-headed to boot), but don’t go around shouting about it. Florida looks like it just blew spunk on Cuba… no wonder Castro hates us. The alternate theory is that Florida is just getting started and looks like it wants to “invade” (if you know what I mean) Cuba. Either way, Florida’s a dick.

Lately, I’ve come to notice Florida in a new light: it’s not a dick hanging off of Georgia like some 60 year-old nudist that no one has any interest in looking at… no. It’s a finger! A giant, angry finger! It’s America’s giant angry finger giving the bird to the lower mid Atlantic and the Caribbean. America is constantly flipping off the waters and they are pissed off. It’s so simple:

Florida: Hey, Caribbean… fuck you!
Caribbean: Wha…?
Florida: You heard me.
Caribbean: What’s up wit you, mon? We’re just hanging like a big calm ocean… relax.
Florida: I got your big hangin’ right here! Sit on this and spin, pussy!
Caribbean: You don’t want to make me mad. You won’t like me when I’m mad…
Florida: What are you gonna do about it.
Gulf Coast: Nuttin’! He can’t do nuth’n.
Caribbean: Who are you?
Gulf Coast: I’m that Gulf Coast, y’all. I’ma showin’ y’all my big ole pucker hole that you can get down on your knees and kiss.
Caribbean: Do you understand geography? I’m an ocean, mon. I don’t have knees!
Gulf Coast: Oh, so you’re a big ‘stand up ocean’, eh? Too big for us? You ain’t nuth’n. You’re just poor blue trash a-want’n to be like your cousin the Pacific… but always coming up short…
Caribbean: Oh… dat tears it! I’m bringin’ a world a’hurt onto you bitches.
Florida: What, you gonna smoke some weed and hope we get a contact high?
Caribbean: Katrina?! Girl, they done called you a ho!
Hurricane Katrina: Oh no they di’in’t! Jose, bring mama her shoes!

See? It really is Florida’s fault. Now if we cut a thirty mile gap between Florida and the mainland, they’ll just look like a turd floating in the ocean. Let’s face it, that’s a pretty apt description of Florida.

On a serious note: the amazing amount of destruction caused a huge amount of human loss and suffering. I encourage everyone to donate to The American Red Cross Hurricane Disaster Relief Fund. So many people lost everything, let’s help them get back on their feet.