Slap & Tickle

The Dry Spell is (kind of, like) Over…

Okay, so I got laid again this weekend… sort of.

The pattern seems to be, they get off and I’m left just sort of… well, waiting.

Is it rude to say, “Hello, see Mr. Angry poking at your side? He needs some assistance!” Instead, I usually say, “Wow, that was great,” while I’m actually thinking, “Wow, that was just short of okay…”

I will say that the caliber of men I’ve been with lately are surprisingly hot (for me—I usually don’t get a choice; I get what I can get. I don't think I get guys looking for a “type” as much as they are looking for a fetish...) However, to quote Nokomus: “It’s all good.” I really don’t care what he looks like as long as it gets me laid. So, I guess I can’t complain too much. Mind you, that’s not going to stop me from complaining—because, gawd knows, I love to complain—but I really don’t have too much room to grumble. What was I talking about, again?

Let’s recap: I’m getting sex, but I’m not getting off.

Odd, that when I was getting off all the time, I was alone. Now that I’ve actually got an actual true-live-non-inflatable-partner, I’m left even more frustrated.

I think I’ll just stick with my vast collection of porn and my jar of Stroke 29*, at least I can nap afterwards…

So... was that too much information? Probably. I don't really care--I'm frustrated people. FRUSTRATED! Would it kill any of you to buy me a male prostitute for my birthday? (Okay, that would be really expensive and if you got the wrong guy, he could kill me... so strike that terrible idea). How about you hook me up with someone... anyone! I'm not picky: "He's a man; he's alive; what's not to like?" I can cook... and I can cook! (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) I'm funny (sometimes), I have a decent job (with health/dental/retirement and partner benefits!). I'm not asking for much... as much as I love Chris Evans and What's-his-name, I'm not looking for that (well, I am, I'm just not expecting it). So find me someone, because it's pretty obvious I can't do it myself... and you'll never have to read posts about me and masturbation again!**

*Stroke 29 is the best stuff... ever! I can't say enough wonderful things about it... unlike any of the guys I've slept with recently.

**That's a lie, you will... you so will, but I'll warn you--or something--first...