Friday Diversions

How much planning went into this?




Puberty: God’s Cruel Joke

Remember your teen years fondly? This will remind you of all the horrors. Thankfully, I never had a coach as “helpful” as this guy… can you say “creepy”?

I have to say I never—I mean NEVER have discussed my wet dreams with anyone. Apparently, in the 1950’s, it was just part of a casual conversation.






Have a safe and fun weekend! Watch out for those nocturnal emissions!

Quotable

“I don’t know why he tried to kill himself… he could have just had his nose done.”
--The most compassionate Scotty, on Owen Wilson’s suicide attempt

Get Her a MENSA Application!



TRANSCRIPT: "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help the US, uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us."

Sadly, Miss South Carolina, Lauren Caitlin Upton, did NOT win Miss Teen USA. Apparently, you can’t be a total f’ing idiot and take home The Prize. But you can be in the top five.

Mondays Suck... Let's Dance!

I’m off work today (mini vacation). Let’s celebrate with a little dancing!

What do you mean you don’t feel like dancing? Watch the oh-so-adorable Mattew Williams and you’ll dance along—oh, yes. You. Will.

And You Think I’ve Got Too Much Time on My Hands…

I first saw the unintentionally funny comic panels on Yes but No but Yes, but found even more at the source, Super Dickey. Below are some of my favorite panels—anyone who says that superheroes aren’t gay needs to answer to these panels:


"Oh, Archie..."

Eeewwwwww!

Yes, Batman... what have you done with Robin?

All this is because of penis envy?

I know what Batman is doing... but what is Robin up to?

"Hold on, Billy. This is going to hurt at first..."

I'd be done, too. That stuff stings!

The Horror... The Horror...

The three scarriest words in the English language: David Hasselhoff sings.



His voice is okay I guess--but certainly not worthy of idolization in Germany. It's just his attempt at emoting that makes this truly painful to watch. Plus, it is Hasselhoff and he's nucking futz. The ending is the best: listen to his voice quiver. I finally get what Randy means when he says "You sound a little pitchy."

Handbasket? Check.
Reservations? Check.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's" Inferno Hell Test

Weekend Diversion #1: Shotgun Honeymoon





This guy is the cousin of my sister’s best friend (talk about Six Degrees…). Anyhow, he’s got a nice voice and he’s damn cute. Not available yet on iTunes…

Alexyss Tylor Warns The Gays



Remember Alexyss Tylor? Ms. Vagina Power is back with another hysterical video--this one blaming white men for subverting young black men because they want the young black men “to screw ‘em all in the ass…”

As always, Ms. Tylor has no facts to back up her statements, but I really don’t know if there is any kind of study on men who "suck a dick up till they hiccup..."

Ignorance is bliss… but in this case, it’s hysterical. Yes, she’s a racist. Yes, she’s a homophobe. Yes, she’s dumb as a box of rocks (and not the smart rocks, either). But, she provides endless entertainment—and for that, I am grateful.

I Like ‘Em Large

A lot has been written lately on the NYFD calendar’ cover guy for 2008—Michael Bistera—who was in a guys going wild video showing off his fire hose (nsfw). God love him, the guy is hung huge.

Due to the “scandal,” the NYFD said they were going to pull the calendar and forfeit some $150,000 for fire safety and recruitment programs.

Today, I staggered outside (I'm home with the flu) and found they had mailed the calendar! I thought I got through on some sort of loophole, but when I went to check their website I found the purchase link still active. Upon listening carefully to the press reports, they will not be participating in future calendars.

This is confusing to me: a bunch of firemen shirtless isn’t damaging the department’s credibility, but showing your junk 4 years before you join the fire department does? No, they aren’t upset that he flashed his johnson, they’re upset he’s bigger than they are.

I guess the lesson is: People are afraid of big dicks...

Personally, I think the NYFD will rethink the issue when this calendar sells more than previous calendars and they make a ton of money. That lesson is obvious: Big dicks rule!

PostSecret



PostSecret is one of the most moving sites on the web. Started as an art project a few years ago, Frank Warren had anyone who wished to anonymously mail their secrets on a homemade postcard to his home. The project spawned PostSecret.com—an ongoing art project and the largest advertisement-free Blog on the web—as well as two books.

Some secrets are funny, some strange, many bizarre, and some heartbreakingly tragic—all are fascinating. Every week 20 new secrets are posted on the site to amuse, beguile, scare, sadden and to let others know they are not alone.

This week Frank has posted a video montage of the secrets.

I Have Got to Get Me A Cable Access Show!



Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should.

Is it just me, or is it pretty much the funniest thing ever when she struggled to get up after doing The Worm? It's just me, then? Alrighty...

False Hope

I'm looking online this morning (slow Monday) and I see something that makes me smile:

Sadly, it's about naming your baby... Damn. The alternative might have made for some really funny YouTube videos...

And then I saw this one:


There is no mention of The Governator in the article (or Conan, for that matter). If spraying the valley makes us all big and strong, then I'm all for it. However, if it shrinks my nuts, I'm against it. That's just how I roll...

Here’s to Reaching Out


We go through life, not realizing the struggles and triumphs of those that have gone before us. Strong praise needs to go to Story Corps—maintained by the Library of Congress and presented each week by NPR.

Today, I listened to the story of Larry Young, who grew up a farmer’s son in Tennessee in the 1940’s. He decided he wanted to go to college, and with no help from his family, he went to the local college, threw two five dollar bills on the counter and asked to be admitted. The administrator questioned the self-described “country boy” on why he wanted to go to college—Mr. Young replied, "I plan to make something out of myself."

Eventually, he was brought to the Dean, who inquired if he knew how to drive a truck. He lied and said, “Yes.” “By the grace of God” he drove a garbage truck that paid his tuition.

No one knew he did not have a place to stay, so he found a spot in the dormitory, between two mattresses. When discovered, he was brought before a disciplinary committee—when they heard his story, they found him a place to stay. “And from that day forward, I never looked back.”

Eventually, he became the first African American director of food sanitation for Detroit Health Department, where he inspired others to reach farther.

Mr. Young’s story is just one of thousands available. But his exemplifies the beauty and simplicity of Story Corps: “I've always felt that, as long as I live, I was going to use my life to reach out and touch another life with hope.”

Listen here.


Some other Story Corps moments I’ve discovered:

Pancakes as A Message of Love (It's all about the love)

Daughter Who Changed Parent’s World (heartbreaking and sweet)

Pip and the Judge (one of my all-time favorite Story Corps items)

One of These Days These Boots Are Gonna Walk All Over You

Lee Hazlewood passed away this weekend. Mr. Hazlewood was known for writing and publishing a number of works, most notably Nancy Sinatra’s “These Boots are Made for Walking.” He was 78 years old.

How (you may ask) does this have any connection to me? Well (I answer) I was singing “Boots” back in 1995, when a tragic—and all too common—karaoke accident occurred: I dislocated my knee. Yes. I dislocated my knee whilst mouthing the words, “Are you ready boots? Start walkin'!”

I have never sung that song again.

"These boots are made for walking, and that's just what they'll do
one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you."

Wherever you are Mr. Hazlewood: "get walkin'!"

We Need You, Howard Beale

I was reading Andrew Sullivan’s Daily Dish this morning and I saw this:



Howard Beale—played brilliantly by Peter Finch—could give that same speech today, it’s completely relevant to our current situation.

We need someone to get us up off our collective asses and shut Bush/Cheney down. We could use a good ole “Nixon resigning in shame” right about now—and Dubya is just the douchebag to do it.

Come on, people. Get mad as Hell—and don’t take it anymore.

Thankfully, We Only Need One…

Psychologists at the University of Texas at Austin claim to have catalogued over 200 reasons why people have sex. The actual number is 237, which I find amazing because, if I were to ask any of my friends their response would be, “I need a reason?”

They asked 440 men and women to get the results. What guys did they ask? Did anyone answer, “Well, I’m a guy… and I was awake”? because that would be my answer.

Some of the reasons included are:

No. 35 “I wanted to see what all the fuss was about”
No. 78 “I was on the ‘rebound’ (That’s pretty much the only way I get laid…)
No. 141 “I wanted the person to love me” (And we do love you—God bless the
whores!)
No. 46 “I wanted to get a raise” (you’d better be really good…)
No. 52 “Someone offered me money to do it” (God bless the whores!)
No. 133 “I wanted to be nice” (Thank you!)
No. 53 “I wanted to feel closer to God” (God bless the whores!)
No. 107 “I wanted to say ‘thank you.’” (No… thank you)
No. 61 “I wanted to be popular” (God bless the whores!)
No. 70 “Someone dared me” (God bless the easily manipulated)
No. 82 “I wanted to get out of doing something” (I gotta try that the next time
someone cute asks me to help them move: “Instead of that…”)
No. 121 “I didn’t know how to say ‘no.’” (Can we get this person’s address?)
No. 87 “I wanted to change the topic of conversation” (I would love to
be a fly on the wall for that conversation)
No. 15 “I was horny” (Really? That’s the best you can do?)
No. 51 "I wanted to give someone a sexually transmitted disease" (Who said romance is dead?)

It’s almost the weekend, kids. Go find yourself a reason and get busy!

Why Isn’t Brenda Dickson A Gay Icon?

Careful, Brenda—craziness is coming!
She’s campy. She’s beautiful. She’s f’ing bizarre! Josh & Josh (of Josh and Josh are Rich and Famous) have a hysterical post of several of Ms. Dickson’s videos from the 80’s. More importantly, they also link two parody videos of the first two—caution: you will laugh very hard and very loud watching them.

Sliding towards crazy
Brenda is a nut-job beyond belief. She’s not as famous as Lindsay, Paris or Brittany, but just as tragic. (Can you say “schadenfreude”?) She recently went through another divorce and the press releases she issued are amazing. Written in the third person—although, clearly evident Brenda is writing them—they quickly become rambling and incoherent. I’ve read them three times and I’m still not quite sure what’s going on—besides ‘they are all against her.’

The blank look says she's invited crazy to the party...

Two of her best lines are while she is wearing what appears to be leftover from Dynasty: "Do you like this gown? It's very dramatic." and "There was a time in my career when I wouldn't be caught dead in a gown like this." Honey, you shouldn’t be caught alive in it, either.

Of the parody videos, my favorite line has to be “My vagine is so big I had to underline it." seconded by “I'm a pirate." (You’ll understand when you see the video).

Welcome to Crazytown--population: YOU!
You really only need to watch about half of the first video to get an idea of what she’s like (crazy), but definitely watch the parodies.