Spank Bank Friday has got Balls

Spring is almost here, so let's go balls out for a little bit of Jake Gyllenhaal playing our nations favorite pastime.

Speaking of balls out, Cristiano Ronaldo--international futból star, was made into a float at this years Carnival, which is a high honor...

...or maybe not (possible NSFW):

Genius, Super-Genius!

Gotta hand it to The Onion, they know how to do news right.

The REAL Periodic Table

Well, it's the one that matters...

Thanks to Woman's Day for coming up with this clever idea... and recipes!

Tacos Rule!

As you may have heard, Jack Box was recently hit by a bus and is in a coma. Sad as this is, there is something to celebrate: today only, Jack-in-the-Box is giving away TWO FREE TACOS! Go to the website and print the coupon and present at your local Jack-in-the-Box to claim your tacos!*

I'm very excited about this, as my friends keep telling me how fantastic the tacos are at Jack-in-the-Box. I think everyone knows my love of Taco Bell (Chicken Quesedillas? To die for! Chicken Taco Fiesta Salad? Un-freakin'-believable! Burrito Supreme? Enjoyable...), so this is a big step for me. Today, we test the fortitude of the Jack-in-the-Box taco... for free!

In the meantime, keep good thoughts about Jack... and that I enjoy my two free tacos.




*or you can just click on the TWO FREE TACOS link...

Spank Bank Friday... More Rugby!

Meet Sean Lamont, he's a Scottish rugby union player who plays on the wing for Northampton Saints and Scotland. He stands 6'2" and weighs in at 220 pounds.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is perfection... enjoy!

I know I posted a rugby player for the last SBF, but... jeez, look at the guy! Seriously, LOOK AT HIM!!! Can you blame me?

Slumdog Chrismatica™

"And the Oscar goes to..."

And here we are… 2009, celebrating another Oscar with a new President. Can you smell the change? Politically, there may be change in the air, but The Academy is extremely predictable.

Using my proprietary mathematical formula I’ve humbly dubbed Chrismatica™, my predictions for the 2008 Oscars are as follows—remember, if you bet and win, you split the cash with me. If you lose, well, you shouldn’t have been betting in the first place.

Performance by an actor in a leading role
Richard Jenkins in "The Visitor" –Did anyone see this?
Frank Langella in "Frost/Nixon" – “I’m not a crook!” You’re not a winner, either.
Brad Pitt in "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" – Still too pretty.
Sean Penn in "Milk" – My personal choice, but his dog is still alive.
Mickey Rourke in "The Wrestler" – Hollywood loves a comeback… and his dog just died.

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
Josh Brolin in "Milk" – Great performance… but he’s still alive.
Robert Downey Jr. in "Tropic Thunder" – most deserving… again, still living.
Philip Seymour Hoffman in "Doubt" – best actor of his generation… currently breathing
Michael Shannon in "Revolutionary Road" – Not sure who he is, but I hear he's still alive.
Heath Ledger in "The Dark Knight" – “He’s dead, Jim.” And we have a winner.

Performance by an actress in a leading role
Anne Hathaway in "Rachel Getting Married" – She’s pretty. Pretty doesn’t win.
Angelina Jolie in "Changeling” – Stop adopting kids, already.
Melissa Leo in "Frozen River" – Who?
Meryl Streep in "Doubt" – As always, brilliant… but fully clothed.
Kate Winslet in "The Reader" – Two key words: “Naked” and “Holocaust”

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
Amy Adams in "Doubt" – I like her… she was fun in Enchanted. Not so fun here…
Penélope Cruz in "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" – She really should win
Viola Davis in "Doubt" – Who?
Taraji P. Henson in "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" – Again, Who?
Marisa Tomei in "The Wrestler" – Stripper! In Hollywood that is considered acting…

Achievement in directing
"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" David Fincher – Nice special effects…
"Frost/Nixon" Ron Howard – Opie already has an Oscar
"Milk" Gus Van Sant – Great movie… but too gay (even for Hollywood)
"The Reader" Stephen Daldry – Directing a Holocaust film? I can smell the desperation…
"Slumdog Millionaire" Danny Boyle – Shot on the streets of Mumbai, used local kids, fought to keep production going, did an amazing job… it all adds up (plus, he won the DGA, which puts this into a lock).

Best motion picture of the year
"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" Really? Really? Really…
"Frost/Nixon" Did anyone see this?
"Milk" Too gay.
"The Reader" Fewer people saw this than Frost/Nixon.
"Slumdog Millionaire" Bank on it: Almost went to video—it’s the little film that could. Also, if China’s not going to be our future overlords, then India certainly will be… we’d better start sucking up now.

The Trilogy Meter

The Trilogy Meter by Dan Meth at Danmeth.com. It's pretty much spot-on (click on it for a larger image). However, I must admit to enjoying Jurrasic Park III, but that's more of a 'guilty pleasure' than it's a good movie.

Check out the rest of his site--he's very talented and extremely funny.

Sex Education

There are reasons that sex ed should be taught in school and not by parents. Here’s a classic example (NSFW… but SO funny!):

Steven Cragg Sex Chat Lesson 1 - watch more funny videos

See parts 2, 3 and 4 at Funny or Die. Let me just say part 2 is so extremely offensive, that I couldn't stop laughing ("...they're called tramps or whores or your aunt Carol.")

Happy Valentine's Day...

A special thanks to my sister for sending me this...

And The World Spins Madly On...

You have GOT to be sh*tting me! This is unfreakin' believable! I used to fear a black hole swallowing up our universe... I've now come to realize that we are the black hole.*

Be sure and watch the video... I seriously can't figure out how he fathered a child when it clearly appears his balls haven't even dropped.




*I just blew your f'ing mind, didn't I? Go on... admit it.

Spank Bank Friday

Danny Care... Rugby player. I think rugby is my new favorite sport.

Who Can Blame Him?

Are you with me fellas? Fellas…? Hello…? Really? I’m the only one who’d… REALLY?!






buncha liars... you'd totally do it and you know it...

Scariest. Words. Ever.*

“History through Quentin Tarantino’s eyes”.

I think history is going to take a major kicking to the nuts… but, lordy, how I want to see this!






*Okay, not the scariest ever, that would be: "Directed by Tom Cruise and Starring John Travolta"

"Joaquin, I'm sorry you couldn't be here tonight"

Holy crap! This had better be some sort of Andy Kaufman he-thinks-it's-funny-but-everyone-else-thinks-it's-lame kind of a stunt.



Personally, he and I are done, professionally.

All Things Considered...

...that's actually pretty good advice.

From Engrish.com, found at Scootersville.

Despair Knows Facebook


In response to those annoying tags requesting "25 Random Things" on Facebook, Despair, Inc. came up with a fantastic T-Shirt response. Click above for a better look... and it's only $18.95 on their website.

Go on and buy one... you know you want to. And it will help the economy, which is going into the shitter faster than you can say... well, "shitter."

Huh?

File this under Things I Just Don't Get. I'm not sure if this would be considered NSFW or just f'ing bizarre...

Chad Vader After the Dentist

As Echowood noted at YesButNoButYes, no meme is complete until a Star Wars parody has been applied. Enjoy.



Original is here:

Bread. Butter. Cheese. Victory!

The Second Annual NorCal Grilled Cheese Invitational is coming to San Francisco on February 21... Anyone want to joing me for a sammich?

I Heard A Funny...

Funniest thing I heard all weekend came from Scotty Mo, regarding Christian Bale's rant: "If you're going to yell "fuck" 37 times at me, you'd better cum at the end of it."

I'm still giggling...

Spank Bank Friday: Angels & Demons

I found this on flickr at Mr. Moog's Photostream... he's got some fantastic pics. Any guesses why I chose this one?

If they really want more people to go to church so they can get to Heaven, shouldn't angels be represented more by pics like this?

Get Your 70's On!

I stumbled across 70's Child and it looks like I won't be getting any work done today. Every post is a vivid memory. If you grew up in the 70's, or just wanted to, it's well worth reading and definitely should be bookmarked. You'll want to come back.

Come On, You Heartless Bastards! Make a Stand!


"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

Anger Manangement Issues
(aka "Pulling a Christian Bale")

I heard this VERY NSFW audio at YesbutNobutYes... Damn funny. I don't think I could work at a call center... at least not one for a mortgage company.

I’ve Got to Start Playing Rugby…

…or move to England.



Thanks to Andrew Sullivan for pointing this out and Bloggernista for the intial post.

Christian Bale: A Rant You Can Dance To

It was bound to happen… (Audio that is NSFW) I saw this at Joe.My.God.




Despair, Inc. had the shirt below available YESTERDAY! Click HERE to purchase.



For the original rant, click HERE. (Again, totally NSFW.)

I Love This Show!

VH1 is the master of crass-stupid programming... and I love them for it. And why not? They are all about The Love (of fame and money). From Rock of Love (1 & 2 and The Bus), Flavor of Love (1 & 2), I love New York (1 & 2), I Love (The 70's, 80's 90's--parts 1, 2, & 3-D) and now, my new favorite: I Love Money (2)!

The genius of I Love Money is they take the losers (read: crazy personalities) from all the other reality shows and they put them in a house together to try and win $250K. These people would put their dignity on the line for a bag of Cheetos if it meant being on television for 30 more seconds.

Here's a clip from last night's episode where Tamara seriously loses it. Well, that's not saying much, she said she wanted to win a houseboat and live in Malibu. When someone questioned her if that was a good idea to have a houseboat on the ocean she replied, "Duh. Where would you put it, a lake?" Adding to her brilliance, she later noted that she's deathly afraid of water... Does she know what a houseboat is? Does she know what a boat is?

Enjoy:

I Love Money 2: Tamara's Meltdown