“As fast as you can say ‘Bob’s your uncle…”


The Always Lovely Hazel

I love infomercials. They are amazingly bad, yet addictive to watch. The items they sell are often substandard and last about as long as the infomercial.

I have been sucked into just about everyone of them (Enzyte, being one major exception). They promise the world, but rarely deliver. The GT Xpress? Burns the outside while leaving the inside cool and raw! Mighty Putty? Works… but smells like gasoline. The Hanger Cascader? Nope. Still takes up too much space. Riddex Plus? When a field mouse runs to it, you know it’s time to call the exterminator and toss that piece of junk. But the ads are so convincing, I feel the need to buy them.

The Magic Bullet is by far the best infomercial. Mimi and her Australian husband hosted a party the night before and in the early morning light, the people that were too drunk to drive home are gathered around the kitchen to watch them make breakfast… and lunch… and snacks… and drinks. This is how Scientology works, isn’t it?

My two favorite characters are Verman and Hazel. Verman is a pudgy, bald guy who partied too much the night before—he can’t even show up in clothes, he’s still in a robe… oh, Verman! Hazel is exactly as you’d expect: New York-ish, 50-ish, horn-rimmed glasses, with cigarette dangling from her lips—with a huge ash that never falls off!

I had no interest in ever buying one—but I have watched this infomercial at least two dozen times. It’s freakin’ addictive! However, in a moment of weakness, I did finally buy one. How can I resist the power of Verman and Hazel?

Watch and see if you can resist…

Part I


Part II


However—before you buy, note one important thing—it’s a piece of sh*t.

Oh. My. Gawd.

Behold, the greatest film to ever come from the director of the worst films you never saw—such as Monster Island and America's Deadliest Home Video—comes (wait for it...) Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus!

You don't believe me, do you? I wouldn't believe me. But, we have video... video so deliciously bad, so excruciatingly horrific, I feel I must share it with you. [Warning: the scenes contain sad special effects and Lorenzo Llamas]

Creepy Burger King Ad


Burger King is currently running campaign promoting Star Trek, which is both bizarre and creepy. Note the above picture... is that a wedgie, or is the Klingon King giving that dude his own special whopper? Who knew The King was that into BDSM?

"Sounds like steam escaping..."

RIP Dom DeLuise

Dom DeLuise, who appeared in several of my all-time favorite movies (Blazing Saddles, The Twelve Chairs, The Muppet Movie, History of the World Part I, Cannonball Run [guilty pleasure]) as well as a voice in countless animated TV shows and films, passed away at the age of 75. He'll be missed.

Since he was Burt Reynolds good friend--and I'm a shallow person--I'm putting up a picture of Burt when he was hot. Dom would have wanted it that way (okay, maybe not, but I'm not posting a semi-nude pic of Dom!).

Okay... okay! Here's a picture of Dom (back in the day):

Places You Will Never Find Me #536

The (not the) Sears Tower is planning on adding a glass bottom sky deck to the 103 story of the famous tower.

Going out there would leave me with this conundrum: do I crap or pee in my pants?

F'ing AWESOME

I found this great site through YesButNoButYes called texts from last night. Their tag-line is "Remember that text you shouldn't have sent last night? We do." Brilliant. Silly. Stupid. Genius.

A couple of favorites:

Good:
(310): dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
(323): no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
(310): oh, so thats why my junks red.
(323): wow. cant help you there...

Better:
(718): OMG. Drunk.
(662): I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
(718): Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.

Best:
(415): Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.

Enjoy!

RIP Bea Arthur

For those of you who don't know Bea Arthur from anything other than The Golden Girls, here's a little something to remind you that Bea was a much deserved Emmy and Tony award winner with impeccable comedic timing:

Spank Bank Friday

Channing Tatum. He's starring in a new movie this week called Fighting. From the looks of it, he will be shirtless throughout most of it.

Needless to say, I'll be there watching.

Sign, Sign a Song/Sign Out Loud/Sign Out Strong


Who knew ASL could be so hip ‘n hot, with a beat you can dance to?

Happy Earth Day!

How are you celebrating?

I'd like to think I celebrate the Earth every day by being a good citizen and keeping my carbon footprint low. I'm not and I don't, but I'd like to think so.

In honor of Earth Day, I won't pass any gas today! um, any more gas... Wait. Okay... Um... Any more gas... starting... now. Wait a second... now. Crud. You know, having Mexican food last night was a bad idea. I'll think of something else (first, I need to open a window... or something).

It's a friggin' Spare the Air day in the Bay Area, how can you NOT do something for Earth today? Public transit is free today! If I can't appeal to your being a good citizen, can I at least appeal to your love of money?

For Mother Earth I will start my summer garden today--I'll plant some flowers, and some tomatoes, too. Helping the bees and my pocket book. See? Earth Day helps all of us.

Plus, in keeping with the idea of Earth Day, I'll recycle something... does Mexican Food count?





(apologies for the fart jokes... I'm a D&F kind of guy).

“Teabagging” + “Dick Armey” = Comedy Gold!

Another reason to love MSNBC (which I used to think of as a bunch of douchebags, but now I think they’ve got a pretty damn good sense of humor).

Was it Something I said?

There’s this cool new website called Omegle, which is Elgemo spelled backwards. Either way, it doesn’t mean crap—which is pretty much how this site works.

They randomly select you with some random stranger to chat with. Don’t know who they are. Don’t really care. However, the conversations are short—everyone keeps disconnecting from me in mid-converstation.

I’ve had three conversations. The first person brought up puberty in the second sentence (disconnect). The second person couldn’t spell. And then there was this guy:

Connecting to server...
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: hello random stranger
Stranger: good evening
Stranger: how are you doing?
You: good. you?
Stranger: not too bad
Stranger: i ate too much, though
Stranger: feel like i'm about to explode
You: sorry to hear that
You: what time is it where you are?
Stranger: 6:56 pm
You: ah...
Stranger: whats your local time?
You: 3:57
You: California
Stranger: you are in the past, Californian
Stranger: I come from the future
You: No... we're the future!
Stranger: we control weather now.
Stranger: indoors only
Stranger: but China is working on it.
You: We have Schwarzenegger
Stranger: You deserve a big chocolate chip cookie if you spelled his name correctly
You: Once you've got The Terminator, you've pretty much control whatever you want
You: Mmmmm... cookies!
Stranger: except the state budget
You: Yeah... we're screwed.
Stranger: Terminator can't control that
You: try as he might
Stranger: seriously. I blame the cool tourism ad
You: So... what did you eat that made you SO stuffed?
You: (I kind of dig that ad).
You: (Yeah... we say "dig" here... "groovy", too)
Stranger: yes, its full of awesome sauce. but seriously, was it a justifiable expense?
Stranger: I ate a burger
You: No, it'll probably make people want to move here vs. visit.
Stranger: and some chips with spinach dip
You: Homemade? Did you BBQ?
Stranger: and now I feel like I'll have a problem walking through doorways
Stranger: si senhor
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Yes… it all makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?

It's Comcastic!

So I'm on Comcast today and I'm checking out the news... here's an article on the results of collision tests for small cars:



Note the picture. No smashing cars or test dummies in site. That is a bed bug. One might think that bed bugs are infesting new cars. It's a picture about bed bugs being rampant in hotels, dorms, etc. across the country.

Curious, I decided to read more about the bed bugs and clicked on the picture, which brought me here:

I'm not sure what Comcast is trying to say, but I'm thinking they believe all our woes are caused by bed bugs.

Or that they're complete idiots.

Brazilian Spank Bank

What is a Brazilian Spank Bank? Think of it less like a Brazilian wax, more like a full basket.

Republicans Like to Teabag!

If you didn't love Rachel Maddow before, you'll love her after this discussions about Republican Teabagging.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

For Jill

I saw this on Towleroad and couldn’t resist:

What Storm?

Sean Chapin’s* terrific response to the National Organization for Marriage video trying to scare the Christianists:



This is beginning to blow up in NOM’s face—it’s now reported by the HRC that they auditioned actors, not real people, for their ad. They can never win on the truth, can they? Just keep perpetuating the lie and hope it catches does not honor God.

And on an even brighter note, from Joe. My. God.: it’s only a matter of time, why fight the inevitable? Gay marriage is coming:

Picture courtesy of Joe.My.God. (used completely without permission... I feel awful about it. But not so awful I didn't use it... bygones!)

*Contrary to what one friend noted, I did not post Sean's video because he's really cute... however, truth be told, it didn't hurt. I've been crushing on this guy for years...


Update: I sent this note to Sean this morning. Spread the word, people--this video can effect change.

Sean,

I was having drinks last night with a friend when the subject of your video came up. She and I have had several debates on gay marriage and she’s had a hard time reconciling her religion to gay marriage. Yesterday, I sent a note out to all my friends to watch it. She did…

…and she finally got it!

It blew me away. I’ve been discussing it with her for so long, we became broken records: repeating the same arguments over and over. However, your video got her to look at it from outside herself; it’s not about her, it’s about other people loving each other.

When she said “I wish I could take back my vote [for Yes on 8]”, it gave me hope that this conversation could be going all across the country. One step closer—one vote closer—to equality.

I thought you would want to know that your video is having a positive effect. Thank you again for posting what needed to be said.

Best,
-Chris

Another update: He got mentioned in Time Magazine (he's the first link on the spoofs in the second to the last paragraph)! AWESOME!

Swapping Jerseys

Ah, the exciting moment in a big rugby game, when players honor each other by swapping jerseys. The fine—and most probably gay—folks at Adidas want you to choose two players to exchange jerseys.

After you choose, watch and enjoy, you can repeat the swap… in slow motion! Booya!

Rugby is quickly becoming my favorite sport. These guys don’t mind being thought of as sex objects, in fact, they relish it. I have nothing but the utmost respect for them… and by respect, I mean, dirty locker room fantasies.

Thank You, Iowa!

Okay, CA--let's get off our collective (and embarrassed) asses and do something about this.

For those of you who have a religious issues with this, why not work on cleaning up your own messes before pointing fingers and throwing stones?

(Is it just me, or is the guy in the picture really cute?)

Best Movie Ever?

After watching this trailer, I'm thinking, "quite possibly."

Happy Birthday, Paul Rudd!

Today is my imaginary celebrity boyfriend Paul Rudd's 40th birthday. Love. Him.

He's everything I want to be... (or have in a boyfriend). That pixelation goes on for quite a while there, doesn't it? Not that I'm a size queen or anything...

Because I love him, here's another pic:

grrrr-owwwwwl!

Spank Bank Friday

Today, we’re going with a video… I’m sure none of the guys (the gay ones) will complain.



Note when the assistant tries to tap out, he doesn’t let go. Yeah, you show him who's the boss…

I Like Bananas, Too!

This guy is pretty good, for a "straight" guy.



He can protest all he wants, but I still think he’s a ho-MO-sexual…

The Fools of April are Upon Us


I've never been a fan of April Fool's jokes... they often tend to be mean-spirited (and I'm such a loving-giving type of guy). The internet has made it very easy to do great practical jokes. Some do it well, others not so much.

Case in point: Whole Foods. They get it. They know who they are, what they represent and who their customers are. So they came up with the perfect April Fool's homepage. Check it out, it won't be there long.

I'll update throughout the day as I stumble upon more clever (and not so clever) sites.

Found another one... not as clever as it is obvious and a dig at Twitter

I'm sure this will food a few people... (if only it were true) :



And hey, don't be douchebags... if you're going to punk someone, don't be an ass about it.

Best Bath Ever

Best Week Ever came up with a post 50 Animals Who Hate Baths. These are three of my favorites:

Spank Bank Buddies

Guys, much like women, often hang out in pairs. Also like women, one is usually hotter than the other. The lesson for all of us? Unless you want to be "the less attractive one" always stand on your buddies right side...

These guys look like douchebag assholes... but I'd still do them. (Good thing this guy is flipping of the camera, otherwise I might think he's gay... you know, sitting shirtless on a mattress with another shirtless guy...)

Smart Kid

This kid is pretty amazing... and makes a compelling point.

One of Those Days

Some days it seems like everyone who comes into my office is there just to bug me...

Spank Bank Friday: A-Rod

With just over two weeks to Opening Day... here's some A-Rod action.


Seriously... how is this guy NOT gay? Too goodlooking, very into the gym, VERY into Madonna, plays with his balls all the time (hey-yo!), and if that's not enough, does a spread for Details. Really? Details...? Really...? Really...

Classic

DListed put it perfectly. I couldn't stop laughing.

Midweek (Spank) Banking...

I'm paying some bills today (I'm sure it's a marketing ploy, but when the envelope arrives with a big red stamp on it--and a handwritten note saying "pay up now, deadbeat, or we break your legs", I feel I should send them a few dollars). Anywho... what were we talking about?

Ah, banking! Yes, well, like the rest of the world (sans those asswipes at AIG) my bank account is very low... but my Spank Bank account is oozing with deposits (that came out dirtier than it was supposed to, but I'm keeping it because it made me laugh).

What got me started is today is Mike Rowe's 47th birthday! Happy Birthday, Mike! Dirty Jobs is one of my favorite shows... even dirty, you're mighty good looking:


Well, Mike got me thinking about other celebrities I like, such as James Franco--who is currently attending NYU. You gotta admit, the boy looks good in glasses:


Wanna cram?

And then, because my favorite Deadly Sin is Lust, here's a little Eddie Cibrian. Why? Look at him! Jumping Jiminies!

Lose the damn towel...

Reason #162 why I want to win the lottery:
"Oh, pool boy!"

Happy St. Patrick’s Day



Special thanks to Pammy for sending this to me!


If you want to check out a fantastic way to celebrate St. Paddy's Day, check out Tales of the Sissy--booya!

Eddie (Still) Would Go

It's been 31 years since Eddie Aikau died... they're still talking about him. I've posted about him previously.

All This to Meet Tyra Banks?

Certified NUTZ:

Spanking Nick Youngquest

Spank Bank Friday presents: Nick Youngquest. Yet another rugby player... I love this game (well, the players...)

Nick: BT (before tattoo)

Been There, Bought That


Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work

Truth (in Advertising)

Simple, elegant message. Sure, it’s selling Coca Cola—but it’s deliciousCoca Cola—however, the message is more important: tough times only make us stronger—enjoy your life, as those are the times you remember most.

For those of you who are dead inside, don’t bother watching. For those of you with a heart… grab a Kleenex!

Octo-Mom Birthing Tape

I had a feeling it went down like this…



...using the tray as a bat: genius!

Thank you, Jimmy Kimmel!

This is What I See on the Road Everyday