All You Need Is Love


Click here for a video that is probably the sweetest thing I've seen in a long time...

I know Reality TV Celebrities!


Is that an exaggeration? Sure, but it got your attention, didn’t it?

My friends Becky & Joe Robbins (aka “Cute & Cuter”) recently had their backyard redone for an episode of HGTV’s Landscape Smart. Actually, I think it was a year ago that it was done, but it’s just getting around to airing.

Becky is adorable and her husband Joe is uber-cute and together they are cute as can be. Did I mention they were cute? Well, they are, damnit!

You can see for yourself on HGTV Monday, August 1st at 8:30 pm. Becky & Joe’s backyard is turned into a “rustic retreat.” I’ve seen the pictures, it’s quite nice. If you want a sneak peek click here…

Oh, wait, maybe it’s here… no, that’s not it…

Ah! This is it, click HERE! Yep, that did the trick.

Why I LOVE The Internet

I don't know who he is or where he is from--I stumbled across him as I was trolling... er, perusing the internet)--I only know that I love him (almost as much as Chris Evans...)

Not only does he have a beautiful face... look at that body! Holy moly!

Talk about your Everlasting Gob-Stoppers! I could lick that boy from sunrise to sunset...

Why I Love Reality Television (Big Brother 6)

"Leadership? He's so stupid he can't even pronunciate it properly."
--Michael, arrogant idiot

Later on the show, they almost came to blows... ALL of them! It was like a big gang fight, except everyone in the gang was a drama queen.

More Notable Quotables

Since my last Notable Quotables was met with complete and utter apathy, I thought I would do it again. Here are a few more... ah, good times... good times...

For some, I guess you had to be there—but they made me laugh (so kiss my ass).

“It looked like Cher peed all over the floor.”
—Mark M., describing the beautiful white tile flooring at The Left Bank Menlo Park

“She is more liberal than ‘liberalism’”
—My mother, describing Senator Barbara Boxer’s political views (if you couldn't guess, mom's a big ole Republican't).

“I was sitting on a barstool, when I realized it was 1:00am and that I needed to find my clothes and leave the bar."
—Shawn A., phoning his boyfriend back in the US about his night out in Amsterdam.

“The reason I got a dog is because chickens don’t love you.”
—Allison, answering my question, “Why do you have so many dogs?”

“I thought he was calling him ‘Ernest.’”
—Scotty Mo on Tom Hanks final words, “Earn this” from Saving Private Ryan. (Frankly, I hadn’t a clue what he was saying…)

“So, why didn’t he [Mini-me] speak? Was his voice too small?”
—Kimba M., inquiring why the character Mini-me did not speak in Austin Powers 2.

"I think this meat is bad. It doesn't mean I'm going to stop eating it; I just think it's gone bad."
—Lesli C. at Taco Bell

“Where were we when they were handing out all these pacts with the devil? In line at Taco Bell?”
—Jill P., on yet another friend’s success (hopefully, the meat wasn’t bad…)

“He’s big as an earthquake, with the voice of a girl.”
—Overheard it in an elevator in San Francisco

“It was a ‘jeans’ fur... a fun fur... for casual wear.”
—My mom, desperately trying to convince me she wasn’t too overdressed by wearing a fur coat to go to the movies.

Notable Quotables

So, I was going through the past issues of the printed version of Slap & Tickle and found these gems. These were some of my favorites. They still make me laugh. I’m thinking if I ever do the “café press” thing and make T-shirts, these are going to be on them… especially the first one!


“Those Jews are about to ride up my ass!”
—Jill P. noting the ‘Jews for Jesus’ van moving up quickly behind her.

“I was definitely the fattest person in France.”
—Scotty M., describing the very thin French

“4:30am is when you are supposed to be getting home from partying, not getting up in the morning.”
—Debbie W. (my former boss) lamenting on how her parents get up too early in the morning.

“Now if they could just make it chocolate flavored we’d all be set.”
—Cav commenting on an article “Hormones in Semen Shown to Make Women Feel Good

“At this point, if my life were to be depicted in a movie, I would have been played by Paul Giamatti.”
—Maia Y., former PhD student and now faculty at another university, describing her “miserable life.”

“She’s a Chinese Asian…”
—Scotty M., describing Margaret Cho.

“You know what my favorite part of erosion is?”
—Che (yes, his name is Che) discussing… well, discussing his favorite part of erosion. My response: “I don’t have a favorite part of erosion, but please tell me what yours is.” To my immediate regret, he told.

“I just changed my underwear… and now I’m exhausted.”
—Pam, celebrating the fun of camping and changing clothes in a tiny tent.

If I had a cool logo to put on the shirt, I'd be printing T-shirts right and left...

Mmmmm… Koolaid!

Apparently, I’m in a mood to post today…

Moviegeek has a link (The Best TomKat Piece Yet) to Slate and a piece by Rebecca Traister on the increasingly scripted Katie Holmes. It’s all about the cover story in W and it’s so deliciously creepy about the Tom-Katie-Scientology-thing, and how she’s become a pseudo Stepford Wife.

The whole situation is very odd, but the best line ever is in this article: “It's profoundly sad that Holmes seems not just to have drunk the Kool-Aid, but to be wearing the pitcher it was stirred in over her head.”

There is an ad that you have to go through to read it, but it’s so worth it.

QUOTE OF THE MONTH:

A favorite of mine in the printed version of Slap & Tickle was the Quote of the Month. Usually, it was some stupid thing I overheard or a soon-to-be-former friend would have the unfortunate timing to say in front of me. I found the quote below in what was the last--and unpublished--version of S&T. Enjoy it... and weep for the future...

“I got fired because I was late all the time. Dude, you know I’ve never been good with punctuation.”

--Overheard from a kid discussing his many employment terminations to his friends.

WRITE DAMNIT!
I got this spam the other day from a group called Pen-2-Paper. The idea of this site is to… well, let’s let them sell you on their “service”:

“Our international team will provide clear, understandable and precise communication, using only handwriting skills. The team will provide a discreet and confidential handwriting service with the utmost professionalism and care. Our aim is to bring back the beauty and unused power of handwriting asone of the best and most powerful ways of communicating a person's desires, expectations, feelings, and needs.”

Yes, you lazy sacks of crap, these guys will actually handwrite a letter for you. However, you have to write the letter—then email it to them. WTF? You pay them to handwrite a letter? Wasn’t it just a few years ago that you could hire someone to type a letter from something you hand wrote? Have we forgotten the great art of writing by hand? Yes, we are so advanced, we no longer can write by hand…

What does that say about us as a society when we can’t sit down and write a letter? It’s the damn video games—that’s what it is. I have no evidence to support this, in fact, all reason points away from it, but if FOX can get away with it, then who am I to go against the machine?

After much complaining (who me?) I have given this service some serious consideration. There are so many possibilities of notes I could write, all of them seem to be only to freak out Pen-2-Paper’s “scribes.” My only fear is that they would report me to the authorities—and I’m on too many government lists as it is.

Here are my favorite ideas:
Confession to the Lindbergh baby kidnapping
“I borrowed your toothbrush… to clean the mildew out of my shower”
‘To Do’ List, including items like “buy heroin” and “kill a kitten”
“Hey, I’ve got the clap! (and you do too)”
“I’m stalking you…”
“I’ve embezzled your life savings—I’d tell you in person, but I’m in the Cayman Islands”
“I know I falsely accused you of rape, but it would be too embarrassing for me to tell the authorities the truth, and prison seems to agree with you…”
“Fuck you, Dubya”

(The last one might get me a visit from the Secret Service, but—as Paris Hilton would say, “they’re hot”.)

So, how much does this wonderful service cost? Ten hard-earned bucks. AND that includes postage! Wow! They write a letter for you and throw in a whole .37 cents! Such generosity is not heard of in these days of typewritten work.

Now if only I could get them to write my daily blog and not bother me with details like subject matter and actual sentence structure, I’d be set…

London Calling

I got an email from someone (no anonymous postings, but, apparently, an idiot can send me an email) asking me how could I be so callous and ignore the tragic circumstances in London last week.

Let me make this clear people: I write meaningless ramblings that make little sense, with poor grammar and even pooerer(er) spelling. For me to say something in this time of sorrow would only be embarrassing.

That said, my heart goes out to Londoners. We stand with you, we mourn with you and we’ll fight with you.

Now can I talk about meaningless stuff again?

Fantastic Four? Try Fantastic One!

I saw Fantastic Four this weekend... not so fantastic. I enjoyed the movie, but not because of the thinly veiled plot, the pedestrian writing, or the "acting." No, I enjoyed it strictly for one piece of eye candy: Chris Evans. My gawd... what an amazing hottie.


I loved him in Not Another Teen movie... why? Because he wore nothing but whipped cream in a scene.


He was brilliant in Cellular... why? Because he spent the first 5 minutes of the film (actually, 3 minutes and 26 seconds) without a shirt.



He's been in 9 other films, but I haven't seen them (or heard of them), probably because he kept his shirt on the whole time.

And now a brief word to lovely Mr. Evans:
Chris, Chris, Chris... you need to keep that shirt OFF. Shirt OFF = good. Shirt on = wha...?

Thus endeth the lessson.

Insanity Television

While it is often reported as of late that the Reality TV craze is dying off, I still believe that there is still some life left in this craze. I should also note that I firmly believe that nothing on TV is ever real, and these reality shows have gone so far off the charts, that they are simply insane. I’m talking bat-shit insane, people. Anna Nicole Smith insane. That’s really, really crazy.

Here are some of the current reality shows that I’ve stumbled across and my assessment of their watchability:

Stripsearch
Premise: Looking for seven hot guys to be in a strip show in Vegas.
Reasons to watch: There’s a reason I started with Stripsearch, it’s the hot bods! Man these guys have hot bods… Even the “fat guy” is pretty damn cute.
Real Reason to watch: To see these guys act like a bunch of teenage girls, gossiping about each other, stabbing each other in the back, and—of course—crying like little girls when they get called names (like “fat”) or are evicted.
Watchability: Only in small doses. Bravo has highlights during every other show, so you can watch one episode, miss four and as long as you see the promos, you’re caught up.

The Ultimate Fighter
Premise: A group of guys get a shot to become the next UFC champion
Reasons to watch: Great fighting and drama between the fighters.
Real reason to watch: The guys are amazingly hot and in shape—unlike Stripsearch, they are athletes, not gym-bods. But the real reason to watch is the drama. Oh, the drama.
Watchability: Absolutely! The fights are so intense. Just meat-grinding bloodfests. However, they are all slightly messed up, so if someone calls them a name, they get emotional. Look for reruns and another season on SpikeTV.

Big Brother 6
Premise: Same as the last five: stick a bunch of people in a house for three months with no outside contact and watch them feed on each other.
Reasons to watch: To see how people really react to one another
Real reason to watch: To see if they sleep together.
Watchability: It started last night, but already I’m somewhat hooked—well, I was yelling at my television, does that count? Sadly, this season does not have enough cute guys, but the bitch-content among the girls is quite high…

Being Bobby Brown
Premise: Watch Bobby Brown’s daily life
Reasons to watch: To see Whitney
Real reason to watch: To watch Bobby and Whitney self-destruct. Good Lord, these people are NUTS! Just freakin’ bonkers. These two are a train wreck on its way to happen.
Watchability: Mostly unwatchable. Yet, if you happen upon it, you can’t look away.

Chaotic
Premise: Britany Spears and Kevin Whatshisname show us badly shot videos of their life together.
Reasons to watch: None that I can think of…
Real reason to watch: Seriously, there’s no reason to watch this crap.
Watchability: Completely unwatchable. It’s in reruns on Spike or F/X or some such channel… just awful. Apparently, they are too stupid to figure out that one doesn’t need to have the camera set to zoom at all times… oh, and there is such a thing as “auto focus.” I’d suggest they read the owner’s manual, but that would require these two idiots learn to read.

Blow Out
Premise: Watch snooty and straight (?!) hair dresser Jonathan Bitchandwhinealot run around LA acting like hair styling is important.
Reasons to watch: Jonathan trying to prove he’s not gay (he so clearly is)
Real reason to watch: The bitching amongst the staff is what makes this show worth watching. They are a bunch of shit disturbers and that’s just plain fun to watch.
Watchability: Jonathan is an asshole of the highest order. Funniest thing was when he went to see his “girlfriend.” He kept calling her “my girl” and he brought her flowers. That was the first and last time we’ve seen her on the show. Don’t most people want to spend time around their S.O.? If you can TiVo it, then do that—and only watch the staff, avoiding Jonathan and his massive ego as much as possible.

The Biggest Loser
Premise: Watch fat people get into shape.
Reasons to watch: You can laugh at fat people as they sweat and avoid donuts.
Real reason to watch: See how fat people can be just as mean and cruel as the beautiful people on shows like Big Brother and Real World.
Watchability: If there’s nothing else on, why not? Of course, if I want to see a fat person cry I just have to look in the mirror. Maybe I’ll shoot for getting on the show next year…

Nanny 911/Supernanny
Premise: A family with monster children brings in a British Nanny who solves all their problems in an hour.
Reasons to watch: To learn valuable skills in how to handle unruly little monsters.
Real reason to watch: To watch indulgent parenting at its worst. You’ll feel much better about yourself if you are a parent, and/or about your parent’s parenting skills.
Watchability: Oh, yes. What amazes me about these families is that the children are still alive and unbeaten. My answer to most of these kids is to spank them hard. They’d fall into line real quick. Seriously, I worry about the next generation, these parents suck so bad…

Surreal Life
Premise: D-List celebrities are thrown in a house together in a desperate attempt to revitalize their careers.
Reasons to watch: To watch these has-beens take one last grab at celebrity.
Real reasons to watch: To watch these has-beens drive around naked on a scooter, crash into the corner and piss in the hallway.
Watchability: YESS!!! You see the track, both trains and full on view of the trains colliding. Just brilliant.

Real World
Premise: You MUST know this by now: what happens to seven strangers put in a house together, when they stop being nice and start being themselves (i.e. assholes).
Reasons to watch: the “drama” of seven beautiful people living rent free in a dream house for twentysomethings.
Real reasons to watch: To watch them get naked and throw out every last scruple they arrive with.
Watchability: Surprisingly, it’s still quite watchable. I have a previous post on this show (below).
SurvivorPremise: If you don’t know, you’re living under a rock. Let’s just say that the last Survivor (with the winner hottie-fireman Tom) picked up the wreckage from the previous season. The problem with this show is that it can go horrible wrong (read: boring) very fast. Last season didn’t suffer this problem, but the season before was unwatchable. It’s hit and miss with this show, so be careful out there, folks.

Survivor
Premise: If you don’t know, you’re living under a rock. Let’s just say that the last Survivor (with the winner hottie-fireman Tom) picked up the wreckage from the previous season. The problem with this show is that it can go horrible wrong (read: boring) very fast. Last season didn’t suffer this problem, but the season before was unwatchable. It’s hit and miss with this show, so be careful out there, folks.

Amazing Race
Premise: A race around the world
Reasons to watch: Usually cute “nice” couples vs. “nasty” couples.
Real reason to watch: Comeuppance—with the brilliant editing, you see the nasty, nasty couples (a la Ugly American) pull nasty tricks on other couples, only to have it bite them in the ass. Watchability: TiVo this sucker. It’s damn fun to watch. Plus, the race always seems to come down to the last second—again, through brilliant editing. The season finale had my sister and I screaming at the TV (not too unusual, but we got really loud).

I’m sure there are more out there—feel free to let me know and I’ll add them to my TiVo ‘to do list.’

Great Article

This is article is great--read it all... the payoff at the very end (under "Symptoms") makes it all worthwhile.

Many thanks to Moviegeek for finding this and suggesting it on his brilliant blog.

Site of the Day

I've not done one of these before and probably won't again, but this just cracks me up:

http://www.tomcruiseisnuts.com/home.php

I guess it goes with the picture:

I stole... er, borrowed this information from Pink is the New Blog.