Slap & Tickle

Insanity Television

While it is often reported as of late that the Reality TV craze is dying off, I still believe that there is still some life left in this craze. I should also note that I firmly believe that nothing on TV is ever real, and these reality shows have gone so far off the charts, that they are simply insane. I’m talking bat-shit insane, people. Anna Nicole Smith insane. That’s really, really crazy.

Here are some of the current reality shows that I’ve stumbled across and my assessment of their watchability:

Stripsearch
Premise: Looking for seven hot guys to be in a strip show in Vegas.
Reasons to watch: There’s a reason I started with Stripsearch, it’s the hot bods! Man these guys have hot bods… Even the “fat guy” is pretty damn cute.
Real Reason to watch: To see these guys act like a bunch of teenage girls, gossiping about each other, stabbing each other in the back, and—of course—crying like little girls when they get called names (like “fat”) or are evicted.
Watchability: Only in small doses. Bravo has highlights during every other show, so you can watch one episode, miss four and as long as you see the promos, you’re caught up.

The Ultimate Fighter
Premise: A group of guys get a shot to become the next UFC champion
Reasons to watch: Great fighting and drama between the fighters.
Real reason to watch: The guys are amazingly hot and in shape—unlike Stripsearch, they are athletes, not gym-bods. But the real reason to watch is the drama. Oh, the drama.
Watchability: Absolutely! The fights are so intense. Just meat-grinding bloodfests. However, they are all slightly messed up, so if someone calls them a name, they get emotional. Look for reruns and another season on SpikeTV.

Big Brother 6
Premise: Same as the last five: stick a bunch of people in a house for three months with no outside contact and watch them feed on each other.
Reasons to watch: To see how people really react to one another
Real reason to watch: To see if they sleep together.
Watchability: It started last night, but already I’m somewhat hooked—well, I was yelling at my television, does that count? Sadly, this season does not have enough cute guys, but the bitch-content among the girls is quite high…

Being Bobby Brown
Premise: Watch Bobby Brown’s daily life
Reasons to watch: To see Whitney
Real reason to watch: To watch Bobby and Whitney self-destruct. Good Lord, these people are NUTS! Just freakin’ bonkers. These two are a train wreck on its way to happen.
Watchability: Mostly unwatchable. Yet, if you happen upon it, you can’t look away.

Chaotic
Premise: Britany Spears and Kevin Whatshisname show us badly shot videos of their life together.
Reasons to watch: None that I can think of…
Real reason to watch: Seriously, there’s no reason to watch this crap.
Watchability: Completely unwatchable. It’s in reruns on Spike or F/X or some such channel… just awful. Apparently, they are too stupid to figure out that one doesn’t need to have the camera set to zoom at all times… oh, and there is such a thing as “auto focus.” I’d suggest they read the owner’s manual, but that would require these two idiots learn to read.

Blow Out
Premise: Watch snooty and straight (?!) hair dresser Jonathan Bitchandwhinealot run around LA acting like hair styling is important.
Reasons to watch: Jonathan trying to prove he’s not gay (he so clearly is)
Real reason to watch: The bitching amongst the staff is what makes this show worth watching. They are a bunch of shit disturbers and that’s just plain fun to watch.
Watchability: Jonathan is an asshole of the highest order. Funniest thing was when he went to see his “girlfriend.” He kept calling her “my girl” and he brought her flowers. That was the first and last time we’ve seen her on the show. Don’t most people want to spend time around their S.O.? If you can TiVo it, then do that—and only watch the staff, avoiding Jonathan and his massive ego as much as possible.

The Biggest Loser
Premise: Watch fat people get into shape.
Reasons to watch: You can laugh at fat people as they sweat and avoid donuts.
Real reason to watch: See how fat people can be just as mean and cruel as the beautiful people on shows like Big Brother and Real World.
Watchability: If there’s nothing else on, why not? Of course, if I want to see a fat person cry I just have to look in the mirror. Maybe I’ll shoot for getting on the show next year…

Nanny 911/Supernanny
Premise: A family with monster children brings in a British Nanny who solves all their problems in an hour.
Reasons to watch: To learn valuable skills in how to handle unruly little monsters.
Real reason to watch: To watch indulgent parenting at its worst. You’ll feel much better about yourself if you are a parent, and/or about your parent’s parenting skills.
Watchability: Oh, yes. What amazes me about these families is that the children are still alive and unbeaten. My answer to most of these kids is to spank them hard. They’d fall into line real quick. Seriously, I worry about the next generation, these parents suck so bad…

Surreal Life
Premise: D-List celebrities are thrown in a house together in a desperate attempt to revitalize their careers.
Reasons to watch: To watch these has-beens take one last grab at celebrity.
Real reasons to watch: To watch these has-beens drive around naked on a scooter, crash into the corner and piss in the hallway.
Watchability: YESS!!! You see the track, both trains and full on view of the trains colliding. Just brilliant.

Real World
Premise: You MUST know this by now: what happens to seven strangers put in a house together, when they stop being nice and start being themselves (i.e. assholes).
Reasons to watch: the “drama” of seven beautiful people living rent free in a dream house for twentysomethings.
Real reasons to watch: To watch them get naked and throw out every last scruple they arrive with.
Watchability: Surprisingly, it’s still quite watchable. I have a previous post on this show (below).
SurvivorPremise: If you don’t know, you’re living under a rock. Let’s just say that the last Survivor (with the winner hottie-fireman Tom) picked up the wreckage from the previous season. The problem with this show is that it can go horrible wrong (read: boring) very fast. Last season didn’t suffer this problem, but the season before was unwatchable. It’s hit and miss with this show, so be careful out there, folks.

Survivor
Premise: If you don’t know, you’re living under a rock. Let’s just say that the last Survivor (with the winner hottie-fireman Tom) picked up the wreckage from the previous season. The problem with this show is that it can go horrible wrong (read: boring) very fast. Last season didn’t suffer this problem, but the season before was unwatchable. It’s hit and miss with this show, so be careful out there, folks.

Amazing Race
Premise: A race around the world
Reasons to watch: Usually cute “nice” couples vs. “nasty” couples.
Real reason to watch: Comeuppance—with the brilliant editing, you see the nasty, nasty couples (a la Ugly American) pull nasty tricks on other couples, only to have it bite them in the ass. Watchability: TiVo this sucker. It’s damn fun to watch. Plus, the race always seems to come down to the last second—again, through brilliant editing. The season finale had my sister and I screaming at the TV (not too unusual, but we got really loud).

I’m sure there are more out there—feel free to let me know and I’ll add them to my TiVo ‘to do list.’